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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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Keni
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@pwtsfankarenalyse
it's a whole month later so... let's post! this is my boss's interpretation of a theater because it HAS to be mystery science theater. EG is the best. I'm literally so glad this is in my notebook: 12/10 because EG brings extra amazingness to everything. 💚
Here's the deal, my dudes: For years I have put on a fake face. I have faked happiness. But I can't anymore. It takes too much effort and is so unfulfilling. Putting on a smile and acting like everything is okay when it isn't, is not something I want to do or even can do anymore. ... I have gone through so much crap over the past few years (especially this year). I have tried to "fake it til I make it" and guess what? It's not possible to do that. Not in this aspect and not for me. ... I wish I could be the happy girl everyone thinks I am. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could still keep my fake face on so none of you have to see this facet of me, but I can't. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. It's exhausting and one way that I've been lying to people for years. ... I don't know how to be truly happy. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to stop the tears from coming. I wish I knew how to stop the hurt and the pain. I wish I could truly be happy, but it isn't a realistic thing for me at this point in my life and I'm coming to accept that. ... I understand some of you might want to give me advice or tell me that "things will get better" and while I'm sure you mean well and are probably right, I'd really rather not hear that right now. I can't even think about happiness without pain. I physically feel pain when I think about being happy because I don't have that. And I cry. A lot. ... I don't know how to stop this. I laugh when I don't mean it. I smile when I don't mean it. It's so much a part of me that I've lost sight of who I actually am--or maybe I never even knew me. ... But, I can tell you, I just want to find me. I need to find out who I am. Because I don't think I know myself well enough to truly be happy. Until I figure out who I am, I will be lost and hurting and my soul will be the thing taking all of those hits. So if you see me smiling or laughing, chances are likely that it's not real. I can't lie to myself or y'all anymore. I can't. I am not happy. And I don't know when I will be...if I ever will be. ... #fakehappy #afterlaughter #paramore #storyofmylife
I wish today had been better and that I hadn't randomly felt like crying, but the plus side: I get to listen to musicals and they always make me feel loads better. I just want today to be done with.
I'm that weirdo who started listening to Christmas music and watched a Christmas movie on September 19th. 💚 I just wish it was acceptable to wear Christmas clothes already. #christmasinseptember? #ilovechristmas #itsmyfavorite
Many of us know the feeling of a heartbreak and if you don't, I hope you never do. I was in something that people call an "almost relationship" This is the type of relationship where you are past the flirtationship stage, but haven't decided to actually be in a relationship. It. Is. Painful. It. Is. Hard. I'm still not 100% sure why it even ended. I don't understand why. But either way it did and because I was in love with him, I ended up with a broken heart. It hurts to think about it, to talk about it, but the problem is, it is always there. He was the person I went to for most everything and the fact that I can't anymore hurts. Maybe if I had met him earlier or later in life. Maybe whatever. There are always maybes. You can't dwell on the maybes--I sure as heck can't. It would be so unhealthy for me. But I do know that someday I'll be okay, maybe not right now, but someday. And I hope it will come sooner than later because I'm not sure how much longer I can fight this pain in my heart.
I love prayers. ... I know this is super generic right now and that everyone should love prayers, but I know that it isn't like that. ... I haven'ts been praying as much as I probably should have been lately because I got busy, I'm not saying that is an excuse, but it's the reason I tell myself that I haven't been praying (still not good). I really should stop making excuses for myself. ... Last night I prayed for the first time in quite a while. I was literally laying down in bed about to go to sleep when I had the thought to pray so I quickly knelt down and started to offer a prayer with the intention of making it short--it was not short. I believe this prayer counts as the longest prayer I've ever given. ... I was kneeling there praying without running out of things to say for a good 20-30 minutes. I'm not saying you should run out of things to say, but I know that some people feel that when when they draw to the end of a typical like 5 minute prayer and here I was just going away at it for almost 30 minutes. ... Reasons to pray at 2am: 1) it's so peaceful 2) you are less likely to be interrupted 3) your phone is 100% less likely to interrupt you too because who else is gonna be up at 2am? 4) praying at any time is always okay Not to mention, it'll help you feel better as long as you go into it ready and willing to hear whatever is going to be said to you. ... Last night, when I was praying, I hadn't meant to have it turn into such a long prayer, but I just kept thinking of things I needed to say to my Heavenly Father that I hadn't told him yet (this happens when you go rather radio silent for a while). I told him about my life, I had to talk to him about things I wasn't proud of and about the many many worries in my life, I had to tell him about how I had just finished this semester and how I need to find a job and it's one of the things I need the most right now. I told him a lot of normal things and I told him every single one of my worries that involved these topics (and any other topics I included). ... After praying, I knelt there for a while and I was intending to just sit there and pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling afterward,
Missing my little buddy right now. 💚💚 I can't believe he'll be a whole year older the next time I see him! Stop growing, Charlie. It's not fair 💚💚💚😍😍
So I'm settling in here at Rexburg (again) finally and a lot of things in my life that I didn't think would happen or thought would happen later are working out. I'm actually way excited. But I would be remiss to say it had nothing to do with me reading the scriptures everyday and praying as often as I can. I strive my best and my hardest to do what I'm supposed to do. And yeah sometimes I fail and struggle, but for the most part I'm doing pretty dang well. I seriously love how well prayer works. So many things have become understandable and I have been brought so much peace through praying about it. And when I read the scriptures I can't help but love them more than ever. I'm reading the Old Testament so I'm encountering a lot of stories that I'm not super familiar with and yeah some of them are really difficult to read, but they help me understand so many things. Oddly enough quite a lot of them (if not all) have relevance today. Our problems, though pretty different, have only evolved from what they were then. All of a sudden we're adding in technology and other things that are specific to our time, but the sentiment still remains. We still have the same issues. We still need to face those issues. And one way to do that is through being aware of your history. If you don't understand your history and how it happened, how could you possibly think you'll understand your present? Pray about it. Read about it. Please learn about it. 💚💚💚 #prayer #OldTestament #Amnoristheworst #stillstuckonthat
So.... I have a room y'all. And so far I've got good roommates (I only know 2/5 of them...) But heyo! It's been good so far. 😊💚 #byui #theridge #roomies
Idk why, but little things like this make me so happy. You can bet that the second this soundtrack finds it way to my house it will be put on repeat. I adore this movie and the soundtrack. It is so good and if you are opting out of watching it because of a "gay scene" trust me, it isn't any different than what you'd see in a BYU dance class. Please don't boycott this beautiful film. It is worth watching. I promise. #seenitthreetimes #imnotashamed #taleasoldastime
Because snapchat filters are actually some of my fave things. ☺️ And I'm not afraid to admit it. Plus I'm so white 😂 #whitegirlaf
ONLY AT BYU-I This is amazing.
💚💙 The last semester of school was so hard. I was stressed out, I was worried about how I was doing in my classes, and I had some difficulties with the people I was surrounded by all the time. If I had been asked during that semester to state my intent with school, I probably would've said that I don't want to continue at all. But here I am, starting a new semester (two online classes) and already trying to figure out why I have to be stressed out each semester. This time, however, I'm not stressed because of schoolwork. I found out recently that I won't be able to return to my old job and that crushed me. When I was at school, I knew that I would be able to come back and get to work and not worry too much about anything and that helped me get through the semester, but instead I am jobless and now having to worry about how I'm going to pay for school. I'm trying to keep a happy face on, but I can't pretend anymore. I am not happy. I don't know when it happened or why, but I'm not. I wish I could act like it's all sunshine and roses over here, but it's not. Heck, I don't even particularly like sunshine or flowers. I have a hard enough time talking to people about stuff like this and, honestly, I wouldn't even be writing about it if I didn't know what else to do. This is the easiest way to put it out there. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that, but if you know of a job opening or a way to reduce stress in my life, please let me know. . .. . On another note: maybe I should try wearing makeup. I actually like how I look here.
Because this week has been pretty great and I need to document the fact that I need to cut my bangs 😂
dead. 😂😂😂 This is all I see in my Instagram notifications
Spending an evening at the beach was so worth it, even if the water was freezing. And then two days at six flags, best way to spend Thanksgiving. So happy I got to see my cousin, my parents, and my sister this week. It was much needed. 🌊💚🎢
💚💚 @melanieurmston