et cetera, et cetera

qin, 33 // here i am for every unspooling

[litteraeignotae]

anyone else up late and insane over all the things we can't talk about

[qinhara]

yeah. yes. right now. extremely relatable

[qinhara]

things that make me sad in life #13665447543643:

why is it so hard to find shoes, especially pretty shoes, in narrow sizes

[sweatermuppet]

at times when hope is too big of a thing to have, curiosity (even clinical or small) is a very good placeholder

[sweatermuppet]

asking myself "why continue" & finding the answer is always, in some form, "i want to know what happens next", even if that want is tired or detached or outright morbid

[qinhara]

yeah. i can’t let go of that curiosity either. but it’s more like a *need to know* that is urgent and desperate — a need to be so very myself — or some sense of self at all — in the world, even though my sense of “self” is always so ruptured too. but to not have that inferiority? to not *think* or *know*? it’s unbearable. i want various people to finally give a shit, but i have to be around to know it.

it doesn’t feel like a very good reason to live, and yet here we are

[sporesgalaxy]

they should invent a my brain that isnt. so scared

[qinhara]

so relatable, and yet… if my brain wasn’t so scared would i also be able to inhabit the liminal spaces quite so viscerally? to be afraid is to fall into the in-between again and again, to keep trying to make it all fit and make sense, and to have to keep sitting in the mess, in the dialectical impossibility of it all

i guess that’s why, despite everything, i wouldn’t actually trade my ocd

idk. it’s exhausting and i don’t want to be so scared all the time, too

[qinhara]

i feel so alone so alone so alone. i’m never going to meet someone who knows me like z, who *could* know me like z, so what’s the point anyway

i can’t stand it, this slow dissolution of you and me

please don’t dwindle away. please remember hope

[qinhara]

i wish i had more friends, especially close by

especially people who i could just be my crazy self with

i also wish i had lovers —

it’s so exhausting still being like this

i am so sick of the constant “i have clear boundaries and communicate great” and other healthy relationship bullshit (and tenderqueer bullshit) that people put on their dating profiles. i mean i could make a very long list. but it’s just exhausting. i mean… people… you’re just not as ~self-actualized~ as you project, and that’s actually ok?! i would rather have the real, messy you anyway

(and i wish you’d rather have the real, messy me)

[emo-communism]

is anyone else just like. constantly filled with rage about their position under late capitalism and how we are expected to just keep playing this game that we know will literally kill us, is already killing people all over the world, and yet everyone around us is somehow fine with going about business as usual, with pretending we are free by being able to choose between different ways of being exploited. there is nothing more dehumanising than being forced to partake in a system that is actively detrimental to our survival as human beings, that is so physically, psychologically and spiritually destructive, and i don’t know how to deal with this anger anymore

[qinhara]

yeah. i think it’s just an endless sense of grief / devastation / disillusionment. rage just simmering & also submerged.

i’ve known about the horrors of capitalism all my life. i was raised by marxists. but of course the shelter of privilege. still, i think i thought that somehow i could be beautiful and brilliant and create and dream and hope anyway. i was encouraged to, still am encouraged to. but at some point, what’s left? depression and fatigue and despair and overwhelm and dissociation seem like the only realities.

[qinhara]

i often feel like i just don’t really know how to connect / make (and especially sustain) friends anymore. i mean i’ve always struggled with this. but the way things have been for so long now? i’m in such a hole & it’s so mundane how there’s no way out. nothing so exciting and grand. just no way out.

no way to ever be beautiful or good enough

[unremarkablegod]

When Georges Bataille said, "no greater desire exists than a wounded person's need for another wound," and Oscar Wilde said, "a burnt child loves the fire," and Margaret Atwood said, "you long to be bandaged before you have been cut."

[qinhara]

yes!

[proustiansleep]

“The body is both the persistent site of self-recognition and the thing that always betrays us. It dreams of redemption but it knows better than that too. It loves and dreads the encounters that make it. It latches onto a borrowed intimacy or a plan of some sort. Layers of invented life form around the body’s dreamy surges like tendons or fat.”

— Kathleen Stewart, Ordinary Affects

[qinhara]

sometimes i miss t. like i’m submerged & sometimes i don’t know whether i miss them or the feeling of being human more often.

i don’t think they miss me at all

[qinhara]

i’ve spent so much time just trying not to be too much, closing myself off from so much of the world / people / everything. just stuck in my misery, which is so much z’s misery, only being the bright sticker queen as escape.

to come into contact again always sets me inescapably limerent again. i don’t really know how to solve this, i am trying not to have to, but then again…

[qinhara]

oh,

so here i am again.

like i wrote in a sort of poem recently, i don't want to be so deferred