current interests: etherane games, omori, milgram. i might occasionally post some analysis posts myself, but this will be mainly a szpd blog
dni: any support for violance and discrimination. don't be a weirdo
dfi: minors
fyi: english isn't my first language
upd. february 2026: initially, i wanted to make this blog about "what it's like to be a covert schizoid," but i realized that there isn't much difference between covert and overt szpd. after all, the internal experience remains largely the same. nevertheless, i will continue posting
old intro, autumn 2025 (keeping this as memory):
i've been a lurker in the szpd subreddit and szpd tumblr for the past 5 years and wanted to create a personal blog in order to share my experience of being a covert schizoid for about the same amount of time. however, the fear of being found out by anyone i know irl, being seen or acknowledged always held me back. that's why i'm not sure if i will be able to post here regularly, but i will try to
there was one person whose posts really saved me back in time when i wasn't sure what was "wrong" with me, if anything even was "wrong" at all (to be honest, i still think that it is the world around me that is abnormal). they don't update their page anymore, which is a shame, i miss their posts terribly. they were one of a few people who posted anything about what it is like to be a covert schizoid. i'm not as informed in this topic as that person was, neither am i a therapist, but i think i still can share my personal experience. and if anyone finds it relatable, i will be happy
as far as i know, szpd doesn't dull your emotions neurologically but makes it so that you find it difficult to distinguish between and notice them. in my case, my guardians never taught me what i might be feeling at the moment, so i had to guess and learn it myself through books or by imitating others. adding the fact that as a child, i often felt scared for my and my close ones' lives, positive emotions weren't a frequent occasion. so maybe that's why it's so difficult to understand whether i feel happiness or anxiety now – it's like trying to learn a language when you barely spoke any till you were a teenager
haven't been to my favourite bakery in three weeks, because the lady working there started calling me "honey" and guessing what i want to buy. i hope she forgets my face in a few months or quits
my primary way of communicating with people is trying to understand their feelings and thought process. it's not so much about any particular person but other perspectives in general. every time i find out that someone sees and experiences the world in a completely different way than me, i am fascinated and want to learn more about their life, feelings, and worldview
however, the more i talk to different people, the more i realize that almost no one (literally no one in my life, but i don't want to sound categorical) seems to express the same level of interest in other people's experience. i get that it may be more interesting to talk about yourself, after all, deep inside most people want to be heard and understood. what confuses me is the idea that other people aren't surprised by the way how different we seem to be from each other. aren't they as shocked as i am? don't they want to search for the reasons behind these differences between us, potentially opening whole new experiences and perspectives for themselves? they often tell me, "well, i don't know want to say, i'm not as straightforward or thoughtful as you." but from my point of view, curiosity is what raises my questions, and its lack in others dumbfounds me and makes me hopeless
i'm not sure whether this is considered magical thinking or not, but after finishing a book that had an impact on me, sometimes i start believing that some of the characters from it actually exist in our or a parallel world, and the author somehow knew about them either from their dreams or was taught by some powerful entity or interstellar traveler
on the one hand, i understand that this way of thinking isn't particularly healthy? at least isn't evidence-based or realistic. but it doesn't hurt anyone, and at most it helps me get through a boring day by offering some slightly entertaining daydreaming, so it should be fine
i suppose i realized rather late that i don’t write/draw/create anything not because i can’t, but because i don’t enjoy it. even if i were to learn to do these things to some extent, unless i was forced to, i wouldn’t do them of my own accord. for some reason i thought that my fantasies about enjoying my hobbies could be turned into reality and were somehow different from fantasies about close relationships or starting a family. why would I think that, though? is it because a lack of interest is not as widely discussed in relation to szpd as relationships are?
it is very difficult to accept that certain things won’t bring you joy, no matter how much you try to ‘change yourself’. i must accept this reality, but i also want to have a hobby and enjoy doing something like other people do, because they look very passionate about it and, idk, just enjoying their life? i envy them
i'll be saying "i don't dissociate as much as other people with dpdr do, and i definitely don't have any amnesia"
while also saying:
>"i like this thing, but only sometimes under certain conditions i'm not really aware of"
>"i'm not sure whether i did it, but i trust myself and i know i'd do it, so i must have done it"
>"i don't know why i've just said that, please pretend i didn't, because that's not what i believe"
>"sometimes i'm confident in what i'm doing, and sometimes i have zero clue. it depends on my mood ig"
>"i feel like several different people, but it doesn't scare me, only frustrates. i wish i could be 'one,' because my preferences and values seem to constantly shift, and i have to make myself stick to something in order not to 'offend or upset myself' in a different mood"
>"i don't want to do this thing, but a part of me wants to, so i guess i have to. at least somebody will be happy and satisfied, even if i don't feel it"
I think one thing people don't understand when it comes to SzPD (and avolition more broadly) is that just because someone is doing something doesn't mean they actually want to do that thing.
I've tried to explain to therapists and such that at any given time, I don't want to do anything. I don't have any long term goals, and I don't have the drive to do any of the things normal people tend to centre their lives around (i.e. having a successful career, travelling, starting a family). If I had it my way I would never do anything at all. I wouldn't even exist.
And yet every single time the response I get is "But you're working this job! You're studying this thing! You're doing this hobby!" as if that's some kind of undeniable proof that I actually do have desires and goals. But the real reason is I simply don't have a choice. You can't just not work in the world we live in.
If I were to just not get a job, I would have to deal with not having food or utilities or home, which would force me into more things I don't want to do. And so if I have to have a job, I'll pick whatever I'm best at and is the least mind-numbing. That's not because I'm actually super passionate about that thing, I'm just picking the option that I don't want to do the least.
I don't really feel that strongly about hobbies and such, but unfortunately I am a human being who can't survive off of literally zero stimulation 24/7. I just pick the things that sustain my attention the most, it doesn't mean that I'm passionate about them. Again, I'm just going with whatever I don't want to do the least. And even then I spend most of my free time not engaging with said "hobbies".
By that point they normally just default to "Well, you haven't killed yourself yet, so that must mean something!" but it really, really doesn't. Killing myself is way more effort and discomfort for something that isn't even guaranteed to work.
The only way you could literally do nothing is if you just sat in a room and starved to death, which would be incredibly painful and incredibly boring. It's much easier to just passively go along with the flow, which involves doing things and participating in society. That doesn't mean I actually want to do it. It just means it's the option that takes the least effort.
i may be stupid, but i’ve only just realized why sometimes, during dpdr episodes, i feel like saying "that’s not my voice"/"those aren’t my thoughts"/"those aren’t my actions/words." because whose are they, then? i, the brain, am the one speaking, feeling and acting right now
it turns out the very word "my" in these phrases refers to me not in the moment, but outside of it. a fleeting thought isn’t "mine" in the sense that "i wouldn’t normally think that," rather than "someone else thought it instead of me." in other words, for some reason, i constantly compare myself with certain images of "me" that are perceived as the norm and familiarity, while thoughts/actions/feelings in the given moment are not recognized as a variant of the norm or something familiar
though there's one thing i don't understand. it would make sense if these episodes were somehow connected, but the things that make me confused and dissociated are mostly unrelated to each other and not rooted in any negative emotion (at least none that i'm aware of). for example, i could narrate my opinion and get confused the next second, because it didn't reflect my understanding and feelings on the topic at all and i simply lied? or joked? for some reason. then i'd have to say "sorry, i don't know why i said that, that's what i really think about it" and correct myself. like i can see how i could have said that opinion, but that's not what i wanted to say, so it felt like i was out of control
at the same time, i hate correcting myself. there must be a reason why i wanted to say/think/do a certain thing. if i deny any of "me," it's like i'm trying to silence myself, which seems unfair
i never really understood the schizoid dilemma thing i think im just dumb but
so schizoids *DO* desire human connection? i thought we didnt, like that was one of the major symptoms? i dont feel that desire at all, nor feel lonely or "miss" people. the only "drive" for social connection in me is either boredom or shallow fuel for my schizoid fantasies. do i have something else i dont want to go through trying to find an explanation for my issues again
because otherwise szpd is such a beautiful perfect match for what symptoms i have
personally, i think i desire human connection. otherwise, i wouldn't post anything online or talk to anyone at all. whether i do it out of boredom or not doesn't matter, the constant here is other people i inevitably make contact with. so to me, willingly appearing in places where other people can see me and most likely will interact with me = wanting human connection (naturally, this isn't about going out for groceries or something, i'm talking about leaving comments online, chatting, etc.)
however, while i do desire connection, most of the time it brings me some kind of discomfort. i feel sick (dissociated, engulfed, feverish, nervous, or simply bored and annoyed) before, during and after communicating with people. that's why i try to avoid it and prefer spending time alone
do i want to be understood by other people? yes, because it proves that my experience is real and not made up. does being understood make me feel uncomfortable? also yes, because this attention stresses me out
i also believe that we need to distinguish between long-term connection (e.g. living with someone, building a family, having really close friends) and occasional, shallow one. i wouldn't want the first one, it doesn't sound appealing
i am SO scared of explaining my schizoid tendencies because it just sounds like im one of those cringe edgelord "lone wolf" kids that try to be different and alpha and "i am a craaazy psycho, dont mess with me" trust me i really am like this im not trying to be edgy / cool lol pleasee
once every 5 years or so i find something that sparks my interest. i become obsessed with it for a few weeks, spend hours on thinking about it, maybe even create something of my own related to that thing. then i wake up one morning just to realize that i absolutely don't care about that thing anymore. and i can't even mourn this loss properly, because all that excitement feels like a fake memory now
were those feelings even true, did i really like something that much? constant anhedonia seems too natural, i start second-guessing myself
having an "evil" personality disorder while also having been taught that people like you are morally bad is annoying. like why do i feel guilty for simply not being able to feel something other people do? why do i deem myself a bad person for things i can't even change about myself? i don't believe it with my whole heart, but this thought is always at the back of my head and feeds my passive self-hatred
"i am actually so charismatic and friendly, socializing is easy, i was born for it"
>uses 200% of their brain to formulate a thought and say it without making 3 grammatical and 4 intonational mistakes in their native language
>wishes the other person would continue speaking so they wouldn't need to take the lead in conversation
>anticipates the moment they'll need to answer not because they want to share something but because it'll be their turn to perform a role in constructing a dialogue and they can't fuck it up
>automatically adjusts their tone of voice and character to the most "dangerous" person in the group, mirroring them
>actively controls face muscles and body language to look "natural"
>needs 10-12 hours of sleep after a full day of speaking to people
i can’t really find the words to explain this, but i saw someone say that szpd is the rarest personality disorder, and it made me think about how people used to say autism in girls was rare too, when really it was just diagnosed less often. but being genuinely rare (as in not occuring as frequently) and being underdiagnosed aren’t the same thing. so now i’m wondering whether szpd is actually that uncommon, or if schizoids are just less likely to be diagnosed. a lot of people could probably have it without knowing, since they might not feel much motivation to socialise or seek out a clinical diagnosis in the first place, which kind of lines up with how the disorder works lol.
i wanted to reflect a little bit more on my reasons for avoiding interactions with people as a schizoid
i often see that pwszpd argue whether we tend to avoid others out of fear or out of disinterest. naturally, there are arguments in favour of both opinions
personally, i believe that these experiences in some cases may stem from one another. i experience both anxiety&fear in social interactions and a lack of interest in communication at the same time. i will use anxiety and fear as feelings interchangeably, because they seem similar to me
i will cover online communication first. i prefer to be alone and not talk to people, as that is when I feel most calm, at peace, "intact" and connected to myself. when i have the chance to avoid contact with people, i hardly ever feel the urge to message them, and i reply to them only out of a sense of guilt and fear that my silence will cause them to leave me, rather than because interacting with them brings me joy. when replying to them, i feel like a robot, an ai trying to choose the most appropriate response to satisfy the other person’s needs. i noticed that the only time i enjoy interacting with people is when i stop perceiving them as living beings and they become to me some sort of automatically responding programmes or offshoots of my imagination that have somehow made their way into reality from my head. in other words, when i objectify them and strip them of their humanity, spontaneity and ability to react sincerely to my words – that is, when i make them incapable of causing me stress
i find myself reacting to communication in a more complicated way when interacting face-to-face irl. i begin spontaneously masking: becoming very emotional (or so i think; other people say otherwise), joking around, seemingly being interested in the conversation. most importantly, i feel an uncontrollable urge to share something, but as soon as i do, i regret it the very moment i say it, because i realize i’m not getting any satisfaction from the other person’s reaction. it seems that my mechanism for seeking human warmth works, but only at the beginning; halfway through it starts to falter, failing to reward me for my attempt to get closer. interestingly, this mechanism barely activates when i interact with people online. i suppose it has to do something with schizoid splitting and my dissociative tendencies in general, as these personality states (solitary, online and offline ones) don't feel like me when i'm out of them
perhaps during an irl conversation i start to overthink people’s reactions; that very fear of misinterpreting myself or them creeps in. on top of that, in face-to-face interactions i lose the ability to treat the other person as an inanimate object – something i can sometimes do when chatting online, which helps me express my thoughts without anxiety
i was diagnosed with cptsd, and some psychiatrists leaned towards asd rather than szpd, so it’s no wonder that my current therapist is trying to find the root of my struggle in my fear of rejection, judgement and being abandoned. which is true, i won’t deny it. nevertheless, in my opinion, underlying this fear is also the influence of a lack of fundamental interest, which is clearly evident in my first, "natural" state of solitude. in most cases, i’m not interested in what people say to me, and their emotions seem bothersome. i usually don’t want to tell them anything, as their criticism won’t change how i feel about myself or my internal assessment of the situation or problem. of course, i'm afraid of making a mistake, of offending or upsetting someone with my words or reaction, but i’m also afraid of letting on that i don’t care about our conversation. i would much rather prefer to stay silent forever
the third cause of anxiety is the feeling that i am being enmeshed with and deprived of my freedom. for me, sharing my thoughts and experiences means abandoning them and giving another person the power to do with them as they please. one wrong word that slips out by accident, and i am overwhelmed by the feeling of being engulfed. i try to avoid this by controlling what i say, thereby causing myself even more anxiety
so to me, there's never only a lack of interest or only social anxiety – they interwine with each other. my lack of interest can and does exist on its own, but the fear of being found out – apart from other things – becomes a part of the problem because of this very disinterest being present
