current interests: etherane games, omori, milgram. i might occasionally post some analysis posts myself, but this will be mainly a szpd blog
dni: any support for violance and discrimination. don't be a weirdo
dfi: minors
fyi: english isn't my first language
upd. february 2026: initially, i wanted to make this blog about "what it's like to be a covert schizoid," but i realized that there isn't much difference between covert and overt szpd. after all, the internal experience remains largely the same. nevertheless, i will continue posting
old intro, autumn 2025 (keeping this as memory):
i've been a lurker in the szpd subreddit and szpd tumblr for the past 5 years and wanted to create a personal blog in order to share my experience of being a covert schizoid for about the same amount of time. however, the fear of being found out by anyone i know irl, being seen or acknowledged always held me back. that's why i'm not sure if i will be able to post here regularly, but i will try to
there was one person whose posts really saved me back in time when i wasn't sure what was "wrong" with me, if anything even was "wrong" at all (to be honest, i still think that it is the world around me that is abnormal). they don't update their page anymore, which is a shame, i miss their posts terribly. they were one of a few people who posted anything about what it is like to be a covert schizoid. i'm not as informed in this topic as that person was, neither am i a therapist, but i think i still can share my personal experience. and if anyone finds it relatable, i will be happy
I think one thing people don't understand when it comes to SzPD (and avolition more broadly) is that just because someone is doing something doesn't mean they actually want to do that thing.
I've tried to explain to therapists and such that at any given time, I don't want to do anything. I don't have any long term goals, and I don't have the drive to do any of the things normal people tend to centre their lives around (i.e. having a successful career, travelling, starting a family). If I had it my way I would never do anything at all. I wouldn't even exist.
And yet every single time the response I get is "But you're working this job! You're studying this thing! You're doing this hobby!" as if that's some kind of undeniable proof that I actually do have desires and goals. But the real reason is I simply don't have a choice. You can't just not work in the world we live in.
If I were to just not get a job, I would have to deal with not having food or utilities or home, which would force me into more things I don't want to do. And so if I have to have a job, I'll pick whatever I'm best at and is the least mind-numbing. That's not because I'm actually super passionate about that thing, I'm just picking the option that I don't want to do the least.
I don't really feel that strongly about hobbies and such, but unfortunately I am a human being who can't survive off of literally zero stimulation 24/7. I just pick the things that sustain my attention the most, it doesn't mean that I'm passionate about them. Again, I'm just going with whatever I don't want to do the least. And even then I spend most of my free time not engaging with said "hobbies".
By that point they normally just default to "Well, you haven't killed yourself yet, so that must mean something!" but it really, really doesn't. Killing myself is way more effort and discomfort for something that isn't even guaranteed to work.
The only way you could literally do nothing is if you just sat in a room and starved to death, which would be incredibly painful and incredibly boring. It's much easier to just passively go along with the flow, which involves doing things and participating in society. That doesn't mean I actually want to do it. It just means it's the option that takes the least effort.
i may be stupid, but i’ve only just realized why sometimes, during dpdr episodes, i feel like saying "that’s not my voice"/"those aren’t my thoughts"/"those aren’t my actions/words." because whose are they, then? i, the brain, am the one speaking, feeling and acting right now
it turns out the very word "my" in these phrases refers to me not in the moment, but outside of it. a fleeting thought isn’t "mine" in the sense that "i wouldn’t normally think that," rather than "someone else thought it instead of me." in other words, for some reason, i constantly compare myself with certain images of "me" that are perceived as the norm and familiarity, while thoughts/actions/feelings in the given moment are not recognized as a variant of the norm or something familiar
though there's one thing i don't understand. it would make sense if these episodes were somehow connected, but the things that make me confused and dissociated are mostly unrelated to each other and not rooted in any negative emotion (at least none that i'm aware of). for example, i could narrate my opinion and get confused the next second, because it didn't reflect my understanding and feelings on the topic at all and i simply lied? or joked? for some reason. then i'd have to say "sorry, i don't know why i said that, that's what i really think about it" and correct myself. like i can see how i could have said that opinion, but that's not what i wanted to say, so it felt like i was out of control
at the same time, i hate correcting myself. there must be a reason why i wanted to say/think/do a certain thing. if i deny any of "me," it's like i'm trying to silence myself, which seems unfair
i never really understood the schizoid dilemma thing i think im just dumb but
so schizoids *DO* desire human connection? i thought we didnt, like that was one of the major symptoms? i dont feel that desire at all, nor feel lonely or "miss" people. the only "drive" for social connection in me is either boredom or shallow fuel for my schizoid fantasies. do i have something else i dont want to go through trying to find an explanation for my issues again
because otherwise szpd is such a beautiful perfect match for what symptoms i have
personally, i think i desire human connection. otherwise, i wouldn't post anything online or talk to anyone at all. whether i do it out of boredom or not doesn't matter, the constant here is other people i inevitably make contact with. so to me, willingly appearing in places where other people can see me and most likely will interact with me = wanting human connection (naturally, this isn't about going out for groceries or something, i'm talking about leaving comments online, chatting, etc.)
however, while i do desire connection, most of the time it brings me some kind of discomfort. i feel sick (dissociated, engulfed, feverish, nervous, or simply bored and annoyed) before, during and after communicating with people. that's why i try to avoid it and prefer spending time alone
do i want to be understood by other people? yes, because it proves that my experience is real and not made up. does being understood make me feel uncomfortable? also yes, because this attention stresses me out
i also believe that we need to distinguish between long-term connection (e.g. living with someone, building a family, having really close friends) and occasional, shallow one. i wouldn't want the first one, it doesn't sound appealing
i am SO scared of explaining my schizoid tendencies because it just sounds like im one of those cringe edgelord "lone wolf" kids that try to be different and alpha and "i am a craaazy psycho, dont mess with me" trust me i really am like this im not trying to be edgy / cool lol pleasee
once every 5 years or so i find something that sparks my interest. i become obsessed with it for a few weeks, spend hours on thinking about it, maybe even create something of my own related to that thing. then i wake up one morning just to realize that i absolutely don't care about that thing anymore. and i can't even mourn this loss properly, because all that excitement feels like a fake memory now
were those feelings even true, did i really like something that much? constant anhedonia seems too natural, i start second-guessing myself
having an "evil" personality disorder while also having been taught that people like you are morally bad is annoying. like why do i feel guilty for simply not being able to feel something other people do? why do i deem myself a bad person for things i can't even change about myself? i don't believe it with my whole heart, but this thought is always at the back of my head and feeds my passive self-hatred
"i am actually so charismatic and friendly, socializing is easy, i was born for it"
>uses 200% of their brain to formulate a thought and say it without making 3 grammatical and 4 intonational mistakes in their native language
>wishes the other person would continue speaking so they wouldn't need to take the lead in conversation
>anticipates the moment they'll need to answer not because they want to share something but because it'll be their turn to perform a role in constructing a dialogue and they can't fuck it up
>automatically adjusts their tone of voice and character to the most "dangerous" person in the group, mirroring them
>actively controls face muscles and body language to look "natural"
>needs 10-12 hours of sleep after a full day of speaking to people
i can’t really find the words to explain this, but i saw someone say that szpd is the rarest personality disorder, and it made me think about how people used to say autism in girls was rare too, when really it was just diagnosed less often. but being genuinely rare (as in not occuring as frequently) and being underdiagnosed aren’t the same thing. so now i’m wondering whether szpd is actually that uncommon, or if schizoids are just less likely to be diagnosed. a lot of people could probably have it without knowing, since they might not feel much motivation to socialise or seek out a clinical diagnosis in the first place, which kind of lines up with how the disorder works lol.
i wanted to reflect a little bit more on my reasons for avoiding interactions with people as a schizoid
i often see that pwszpd argue whether we tend to avoid others out of fear or out of disinterest. naturally, there are arguments in favour of both opinions
personally, i believe that these experiences in some cases may stem from one another. i experience both anxiety&fear in social interactions and a lack of interest in communication at the same time. i will use anxiety and fear as feelings interchangeably, because they seem similar to me
i will cover online communication first. i prefer to be alone and not talk to people, as that is when I feel most calm, at peace, "intact" and connected to myself. when i have the chance to avoid contact with people, i hardly ever feel the urge to message them, and i reply to them only out of a sense of guilt and fear that my silence will cause them to leave me, rather than because interacting with them brings me joy. when replying to them, i feel like a robot, an ai trying to choose the most appropriate response to satisfy the other person’s needs. i noticed that the only time i enjoy interacting with people is when i stop perceiving them as living beings and they become to me some sort of automatically responding programmes or offshoots of my imagination that have somehow made their way into reality from my head. in other words, when i objectify them and strip them of their humanity, spontaneity and ability to react sincerely to my words – that is, when i make them incapable of causing me stress
i find myself reacting to communication in a more complicated way when interacting face-to-face irl. i begin spontaneously masking: becoming very emotional (or so i think; other people say otherwise), joking around, seemingly being interested in the conversation. most importantly, i feel an uncontrollable urge to share something, but as soon as i do, i regret it the very moment i say it, because i realize i’m not getting any satisfaction from the other person’s reaction. it seems that my mechanism for seeking human warmth works, but only at the beginning; halfway through it starts to falter, failing to reward me for my attempt to get closer. interestingly, this mechanism barely activates when i interact with people online. i suppose it has to do something with schizoid splitting and my dissociative tendencies in general, as these personality states (solitary, online and offline ones) don't feel like me when i'm out of them
perhaps during an irl conversation i start to overthink people’s reactions; that very fear of misinterpreting myself or them creeps in. on top of that, in face-to-face interactions i lose the ability to treat the other person as an inanimate object – something i can sometimes do when chatting online, which helps me express my thoughts without anxiety
i was diagnosed with cptsd, and some psychiatrists leaned towards asd rather than szpd, so it’s no wonder that my current therapist is trying to find the root of my struggle in my fear of rejection, judgement and being abandoned. which is true, i won’t deny it. nevertheless, in my opinion, underlying this fear is also the influence of a lack of fundamental interest, which is clearly evident in my first, "natural" state of solitude. in most cases, i’m not interested in what people say to me, and their emotions seem bothersome. i usually don’t want to tell them anything, as their criticism won’t change how i feel about myself or my internal assessment of the situation or problem. of course, i'm afraid of making a mistake, of offending or upsetting someone with my words or reaction, but i’m also afraid of letting on that i don’t care about our conversation. i would much rather prefer to stay silent forever
the third cause of anxiety is the feeling that i am being enmeshed with and deprived of my freedom. for me, sharing my thoughts and experiences means abandoning them and giving another person the power to do with them as they please. one wrong word that slips out by accident, and i am overwhelmed by the feeling of being engulfed. i try to avoid this by controlling what i say, thereby causing myself even more anxiety
so to me, there's never only a lack of interest or only social anxiety – they interwine with each other. my lack of interest can and does exist on its own, but the fear of being found out – apart from other things – becomes a part of the problem because of this very disinterest being present
i was thinking about why it feels so horrible to leave anything of "mine" in this world. i don't like writing, drawing, creating, etc., because i always think about how all of this will eventually be perceived and ruined by other people
i can hide some of these things, but it still doesn't feel safe at all, as if something is watching and judging me
what if it's not only other people's attention i despise but also my own? i'm my own greatest judge, and when there are several states that don't feel like me due to dissociation, there's even more judgement and intrusion
I prepare a whole staged performance every time I talk to anyone about anything even mildly important to me. We can't handle being misunderstood when it matters, it won't leave our mind for weeks. Why is being misunderstood so awful?
I show affection the way I wish to be shown affection. By giving you lots of space and quiet time away from me. By not looking at you. By never asking personal questions and instead subtly hinting at my interest in you. Being as uninvasive and unobtrusive as possible.
do you ever start shaking when other people ask too many personal questions or speak about you? i don't think i've seen other pwszpd mention this
like sometimes when my therapist describes something they theorize about my condition i hear ringing in my ears and feel an incoming panic attack. does anyone else struggle with this or
More because I didn't feel like drawing anything else: obligations aren't all equal either, sometimes it's being expected to always be there for someone in their time of need, sometimes it's being expected to keep up the routine of someone else, sometimes it's literally just being expected to respond.
I currently have connections who do not care how long I disappear because they understand I need to, or rather I just enjoy solitude. It makes socializing a lot easier. Any connections I don't have contact with over the phone, are all strictly irl and not in a position where I HAVE to interact with them, and if I'm around them I'm not forced to speak. I am lucky to have people who don't gaf
(all of the below is purely my insight and isn't a statement)
when people with szpd or schizoid adaptations say that they don't feel anything towards other people, that they forget about them easily and so on, i don't think they're being harsh or cruel. of course, from the point of view of someone who isn't familiar with this disorder, such statements might sound immoral and arrogant. for a schizoid person, on the other hand, i think these conclusions can be quite comforting
schizoids avoid prying into others' lives, they fear hurting people or being "too much" because that's how they themselves experience this world. they bottle up their emotions to the point when they can't recognize or feel them anymore – their mental just shuts down because of overload. they're also sensitive to external stimuli, like when someone is being judgemental or overbearing, even if they don't notice it themselves, so they try not to attract unwanted attention. being sensitive (or should i say attentive) means being able to escape danger, that's an adaptation, not a bad thing
so imagine this: you face an awkward situation with someone you know. you don't want to hurt them by imposing yourself. you also don't want them to cross your boundaries and make you feel trapped/used/seen/engulfed. it seems like merely speaking to this person or being near them makes you dizzy. what would be the best outcome in this case? if both of you forgot anything had happened or if you stopped speaking to each other altogether
so to a schizoid person, not feeling anything towards others or forgetting them easily doesn't necessarily mean being cold or avoidant. it can also mean being mindful and caring. "i don't want either of us to feel hurt, so let's keep some distance and recover from whatever has happened between us"
(i hope this isn't intrusive, reading what you wrote just brought up a lot of thoughts, just my perspective nothing meant to define or override anyone else's experiences)
Really insightful post, yes nearly no one understands that detachment can be a way to reduce what is seen as terrible harm both ways, i've had friends become offended at me saying that I wouldn't be affected if the friendship would end.
The thing is most people, even those i like, feel so unsafe that i cannot afford to be attached, it's like trying to force yourself to stick your hand in a blender; your very being resists it
I cannot truly believe a friend would miss or feel anything regarding me or would value me missing them or even notice my absence, my internal reality is screaming that missing them or reaching out to them would be an gross intrusion, a burden, something hateable and shameful.
When I write it out like that it seems ridiculous compared to the norm but it feels like absolute truth internally (early experiences where it's made clear by those that attachments should have been secure with, that the care, the needs were too much, that it would break them, that they don't want it, that they need you to put it aside for them and be something else, that only acting cheerful and like nothing was wrong is how you stay safe-ish).
I understand better now that moving on cleanly like it never happened feels like being discarded and left in the cold to most people (especially after uncovering some of the disassociated rage and despair I have around past neglect, the ways I dismiss things because they were dismissed by those outside of me). Most people need emotional containment that is extremely difficult to give if you have never truly had it yourself. I'm trying to stretch out what I'm comfortable expressing but it's a long long road.
If there was education around the schizoid dilemma I truly feel fewer people would be hurt and made to feel unsafe
(would like to add some notes to the post above, it's random rambling and simply my experience with szpd)
>friends becoming offended at me that i wouldn't be affected if the friendship would end
i thought about it and experienced it so often... while i believe i wouldn't be affected emotionally either if someone said similar words to me, i still catch myself feeling sometimes as if i would, in fact, be offended. i wonder why that is. do i actually have a deep emotional connection to these people but don't realize it?
it came to me that maybe my feelings of being hurt would most likely derive from the betrayal of my expectations rather than longing and the desire to hold onto another person. why would you pretend to want to spend so much time with me if you weren't interested in me as much as you showed you were? wouldn't it be better for both of us not to create any misunderstanding and speak rarely, in accordance with our real needs? i know my position, and i thought i knew how you felt (that is, like a healthy person would feel: securely attached), but if after all your attempts at reaching out to me and displaying your interest, you tell me you wouldn't feel anything after our friendship ends, i would think you've been lying to me this whole time. i wouldn't mourn your leave – i would feel disgusted and ashamed for believing you
now, what if i met another schizoid (i haven't had the pleasure of being friends with one yet), who genuinely wouldn't be offended by our separation and wouldn't create any false premises between us, at least not intentionally? would i still be hurt if they said they would be fine without me? somehow also yes, though only for a few moments before i think about it from our mutual (szpd) perspective and remember who they are. maybe that's just how socialization worked on me: though i have unhealthy views on human connection (meaning i believe that deep in their hearts no one wants to do anything with each other), subconsciously i still adapt some common reactions and feel what i was told was natural to feel during a situation of separation. there's a part of me who wants to believe that true connection is possible, so here i would be tricked by my own made-up hopes rather than other person's actions lol
and after these first few moments of confusion, i believe i would feel a strong sense of relief and security with this person: i would feel safe with them knowing that i won't affect them in any way, won't hurt them, intrude upon them, or unintentionally make them depend on me. this type of, some would say, "shallow" relationship sounds absolutely heavenly and ideal to me. i just wish the way of thinking that everyone should and does care about each other, that i was taught growing up, would leave my body someday and i would abandon any hope for "real connection they show in books and movies" and feel completely safe in relationships as described above. unfortunately, right now my learned way of thinking (that all people around me are theoretically capable of being securely attached to me) still uncontrollably comes back from time to time and confuses my szpd brain
