die to the ego nature

tthis is b,my jourmal ... diarey im 21 name is nez this is a side blog to a completely unrelated account lol i shouldve made this a totally separate thing

[chartnumber3]

list of schizoid/scrupulosity music that has personally changed my life , one of the the few things that have ever resonated in me and i feel like others (other schizoids) might benefit... rock/ metal, post rock, instrumental, and other weird stuff i cant categorize into a genre:

skin horse - the melvins* (favorite song of all time) there is also a pitched down version of the ending (as you expire and your brain is trying to make sense of death)

eye flys - the melvins* (next favorite, incredibly pulverizing i adore)

chart #3 - godspeed you! black emperor (... transcends "favorites", i know it word for word )

not in particular order:

rites of spring reverb - set fire to flames (ship sinking)

this gentle hearts like shot birds fallen - a silver mt. zion

13 angels standing guard 'round the side of your bed - a silver mt. zion

magic pig detective - the melvins*

john hughes (she dreamt she was a bulldozer) - godspeed you! black emperor (please listen)

did you see me? - ween

c'mon COME ON (loose and endless longing) - a silver mt. zion*

soft return - labradford (so comforting)

the cowboy w/ extended outro (2002-04-03) - godspeed you! black emperor

squelch the weasel - ween

ill do a part 2, theres so many i know

how can i could have forgotten ... honorable mention, cant believe it: annum - the melvins...

*= volume/ harshness/ noise warning

[chartnumber3]

i have insane vocal range but i cant really control it lol... like when im around other girls i develop my male voice (yes it is indistinguishable from a man's voice) to i guess, be the male one in the group...????? but if a guy is present my voice feminizes especially depending on how intimidating they may be. i dont know ok

when im alone or very calm and confident and positive feeling though i can control it but my baseline voice is very very male . the more happy/calm i am it seems the more male my voice is. what does that mean? i do not wanna get into that lol

[chartnumber3]

i think i have avpd and szpd co occuring. i do not avoid interaction out of fear, just out of disinterest (SZPD)... i do not feel too scared when in a social situation however i feel so deeply and horrifically inadequate and pathetic doing so (AVPD). i do not "deeply crave relationships" except ONLY with a single hypothetical perfect partner person (both?) . i also think i have a high need to belong (AVPD) but i am fine either way. theres a lot of things. ill have to research and tally up with what symptoms i relate to from each disorder .

im like, histrionic in some ways as well but ive heard that can be one of the vast psyche defenses that schizoids (in particular) use in social settings.

[chartnumber3]

id desperately want someone, just one cool person, to understand me and to even just slightly find me fun and enjoyable to be around. just one person for me... to love me and to have fun with alone ... *in theory* but i think if it actually happens ill be so drained and suffocated and boxed in and ill want to run away i love being this way guys

[chartnumber3]

schizoids are some of the most beautiful, intelligent, deep thinking, ever suffering, detached minds that could possibly exist. it is such a poetic stupid strange intriguing misunderstood thing to be so different and incompatible with existing in this way.

i love it and i despise it . gods hideously beautiful curse

[chartnumber3]

i dont use instagram "reels" but today i decided to just try seeing what the algorithm will show me. 3 hours in and its already showing me what people call "schizogram" . this keeps happening every time i decide to use reels which is like every few years lol. i kind of have to actively fight it in order for my "feed" to be normal. literally in the past the second i touch anyone else phone and scroll through their reels it instantly starts showing "schizogram" reels lol and then it goes back to normal when they get their phone back

even with like other platforms i feel like i am energetically emitting schizo vibes or something because i get shown stuff that can be seen as schizoposts as well. like all the time. i feel like i attract it. but ive been ignoring it for years... i dont know what this means

[chartnumber3]

when going out, for some reason my brain loves to prioritize ONE person to find and then... try to impress? like some sort of courting bird.

if someone seems cool or interesting or my type i try my best to manipulate my outward appearance and "personality" in order to catch their eye. and it is thrilling. probably why i love going out lol. its been a thing since childhood of me doing this and i dont know where it came from. i dont think i want anything from it though

i assume its similar to the schizoid experience of finding someone cool and stalking them silently and fantasizing about disecting them or something which i do strongly experience as well lol. i dont know, i just really love doing that.

some few humans are kind of cool.

[chartnumber3]

being schizoid but extremely outgoing is such a strange experience because you cant quite relate to other schizoids about a good chunk of stuff but youre still not quite human enough to be normal. i love going out, even at the cost of being around others. i am so emotionally and cognitively numb that yes, the experience is worse in many ways due to other people being there but i kind of dissociate from that part. im doing my own thing. in the end though i find that i dont quite feel anything from going out and doing stuff but it is some mild entertainment.

[chartnumber3]

i really find a lot of similarities between my experience with szpd (or szpd in general) and aspd. i sympathize with a lot of aspd experiences . im starting to question if i have some aspd traits

[chartnumber3]

what do other schizoids do when they cant be alone do you cry because i cry

sometimes

[une-croquette]

i could never be on a jury bc i would think everyone is innocent and misunderstood

[road0flife]

[chartnumber3]

id go with my brother to his plans with his friends usually because our parent tells him to take me (out of pity) and then when we all hang out its either terribly awkward and stunted because im there and i have zero social skills and im boring or they exclude me and i end up third wheeling like a moron. i feel like a child whose cooler normal older sibling is forced to babysit them all the time and they hate it . i am 21 and hes 19 so his friends are all like high school kids by the way its embarrassing

[chartnumber3]

they should make a medicine that makes you temporarily normal and have empathy/ social skills and youre okay to be around without the exhaustion and strain of masking and then when you get back home youre back to being a schizoid husk but you wouldnt be completely dead from the days previous social events

[chartnumber3]

i feel like anyone can do limitless things for me and buy me things and show me that they love me and i matter but i dont think ill ever ever believe it. it will never be enough and i should never inflict that onto others and make their day worse. i always find a way to self sabotage any little enjoyment i can possibly feel. i just feel intrinsically like i wasnt meant to exist and im wasting everyones time. like a deformed rotting little animal that has to be brought around everywhere only simply because its a pet

[chartnumber3]

went to sleep so early because i was literally disintegrating yesterday when i woke up at 5 am i thought it was 5 pm and the day was over and everyone already has done everything they wanted to without me. and i wasnt surprised

i dont know, its not that i care about being around people particularly? maybe a tiny bit but its just in society you care by bringing people with you. so in my head thats how humans show love so if im not shown that even in an understandable or mild way, i believe i am not loved. not in a clingy way, just in an "why not love me? what is wrong with me then? you just wasted my time and made me vulnerable" way

[chartnumber3]

the "rehabilitation" part of recovering from starving and dehydrating yourself is the worst and i feel like ive never been out of it at any point in my life. perpetual malnourishment. ive never had a secure and strong connection with food. now that i kind of have it more abundantly, i paradoxically eat less. i feel like my stomach is severly atrophied from this. i used to be on track to reach 5'3, now ive shrunk to 4'10.

any help is appreciated?

i never believed i have an eating disorder atleast in the conventional sense. its primarily from severe poison paranoia, poverty or effects from szpd (i heard schizoids tend to not enjoy eating)