die to the ego nature

tthis is b,my jourmal ... diarey im 21 name is nez this is a side blog to a completely unrelated account lol i shouldve made this a totally separate thing

[chartnumber3]

i been having vivid dreams of me just telling people (family members) off for being annoying and that im not a person like they are and they keep asking me what i mean and then i just turn into an indescribable creature and attack them

[chartnumber3]

so i realized why i like makeup/ looking nice in general.. its because i inherently feel dirty, nonhuman, ugly, different, etc. (moreso my mind/ nature, not really actual physical looks) and the dressing up is another layer to the whole facade i give to people to further distance myself from them knowing what i really am .

i dont feel connected to being a girl or human or anything , so portraying myself as what i feel the least like is the perfect schizoid vulnerability barrier.

yes im totallly whatever you see me as. yes sure

it even fools me sometimes

thats why i get so jittery in some interactions. its out of suspicion that my dead eyes and particularly off demeanor is giving myself away and it makes me anxious. dont see me without my costume on.

[chartnumber3]

listening to songs of people being very emotional about an ex/ ex friend and the lyrics are about abandonment or lack of emotional intimacy/closeness or something etc., how the ex was evil and how much "it hurts" and i just cant help to picture myself in the shoes of the "evil ex".

being schizoid, you abandon people, you cant handle or cant understand deeper emotional intimacy. you have limited tolerance for closeness. youre hollow and lack passion. you despise friendships, relationships and sexuality. you dont miss people. i dont know, it makes me feel strange.

[faintlyhauntedsanctuary]

Why does nobody ever talk about the worst part of SzPD. How you can be incapable of doing even the things you want to do the most because you can't want to do anything. Even the most important things in your life have zero importance to you. Nothing can make you motivated. I fucking hate anhedonia and avolition. It is ruining my life.

[chartnumber3]

not to mention that when you do somehow manage to finally get up and do what you been wanting to do, there is little, if any, resulting happiness or satisfaction or accomplishment felt.

its simply: you conquer the impossible task of actually getting up and doing anything, which is monumentally agonizing, and when youre done theres no reward for it anyway aside from some thin, shallow entertainment and/or contentment if that.

makes me feel stupid for even trying to have some kind of real joy or entertainment from something

[cluster-a-culture]

cluster a culture is having a very complicated relationship with religion/s

[chartnumber3]

religious media literally causes me to feel the worst dread and fear than anything in the world, having even a bible present near me makes me want to get hit by a train. i probably hate religion more than is reasonable but i dont care, i hope it all withers away and dies painfully. such an insult to god. shameless, evil

(mostly talking about western christian and christian-adjacent religions..)

[chartnumber3]

i was talking to my partner while happening to be around his mom at the same time and when i was done, she kept asking what i said and i didnt answer (lol) . she then said that she thought i was talking about moving out in a somewhat shocked but lighthearted tone , saying something like "pleeease dont leave us, please dont move"

is she trying to sabotage me or something? what i was talking about wasnt even related to moving. she probably knows how i am, i dont understand why shed want me to stay here. and how inconsiderate, to use emotion like that to keep me in a place my nature cant handle. what if i want to move? what then? she knows. she must know. she mustve known that im like this and wants to keep me suffering. i dont even know these people, and can i not have my own life away from any "family" if i wanted? also, why eavesdrop into my conversation like that, what is wrong with you. when i talk, it is exceptionally rare and i only somewhat enjoy talking to my entrusted partner, and you just listen in. i dont care if we were talking about the most mundane thing ever.

i hate when people try to use emotional appeal to get me to stay with them or keep interacting or maintain a relationship , one of the worst things to do to me. ill instantly drop you.

[chartnumber3]

i go in these waves of "schizoid-esque but i can still do some things i like and mask well when needed and such" and theres this other phase i go through where i just cannot care about anything to a point where the fabric of reality is very thin for me and nothing helps me feel like a person whatsoever. devoid of passion, motivation or anything and so so bored, even more than before. its like im a ghost, but even then ghosts can be depicted to feel things, more or less. disassociation also spikes when this happens. i try to make myself feel anything but its as if i never had the ability to feel any emotion at all.

im currently in this completely emotionless state right now. i dont know what happened . i can describe my lack of feeling as identical to a psychopath's lack of feeling when in this state. i feel sterile of spirit and like cardboard

[chartnumber3]

there must be more to existence than this. im hanging onto my undying belief in some sort of afterlife, in which any ailment- mental and physical, is purified and the contradictory heavy hollowness of mine is miraculously finally absent. the meaning is apparent and there will be beautiful things any mind contained within this dimension could not comprehend and ill be free playing with them. there will just be joy and ease in everything

i could say that that sort of heaven is awaiting us in this life as well, that we could choose love and peace and the animals would stop eating eachother and us ourselves would feed on pure energy and we could learn to do the "impossible" things that saints and monks have done but youd call me schizophrenic (which im obviously not but of course any schizospec person trying to speak about anything spiritual adjacent is instantly seen as nonsensical babble and we're categorized as insane). regardless it is coming

[chartnumber3]

its so relieving to know that im not a person

[chartnumber3]

"you dont care about anyone else, you dont desire being around them and you hate just even interacting? wow, you must only care about yourself then, you must be very selfish atleast a little if no one is good enough for you!!"

no i actually dont care about myself either lol

[chartnumber3]

i wonder what percentage of schizoids have absolutely 0 friends like myself . strictly absolutely no one at all. not even friendly acquintences. from what i know its quite rare?

ive had zero friends since id say, middle school. like true real friends but even then i dont know if those friends were "real" like that. or more like, i dont know if i was a real friend to *them* like that.

i really of course dont care being a complete incel loser lol but i am wondering who else is in a similar situation socially, itd be interesting to know

[genderindifferent]

Schizoid & dissociative amnesia culture is I forget each positive moment I have had, doesn't matter if yesterday or several months / years ago. My memories do not exist or are dull. Maybe other people would get concerned or sad over it, but I don't care.

[chartnumber3]

i love watching the same things over and over and eating the same things and doing the same things and listening to the same songs. anything "adventurous" i instantly dislike just by it being unfamiliar. i dont care if "i might like it"

it kind of causes tension with the people i live with (because of course it would... i cant do anything with people around without it being abhorrently wrong).

if i lived alone id have the floor as a bed, maybe a tv and the same 5 things forever and nothing else. no one to nag me about it

[schizoidpolls]

Are you misanthropic?

yes, I am

I was before

I wouldn't say I am, but I agree with views

no, I am not

other/nuance

not schizoid button (see results)

Remaining time: 1 day 17 hours

Misanthropy is the general hatred, dislike, or distrust of the human species, human behavior, or human nature.

(this poll is inclusive of those who are self-diagnosed or questioning! reblog for sample size!)

[chartnumber3]

i was really horrible with misanthropy. to a point where i had really awful thoughts and im ashamed of it. i think what saved me was spirituality, which, despite going against my schizoid nature in every way, i cognitively acknowledge that being so hateful wont do anything for any problems in the world, and it was making me an awful person with awful thoughts.

i understand schizoids who are misanthropic still though, its just, for me personally, i cant go back to that for risk of my own morality (that i really value a lot) .

i still hate HATE most things about humans and what they do and im still a massive hater but, hopefully not in disproportionately blind, harmful ways like before

[chartnumber3]

for some reason i kind of like responding to people online. when i receive a comment or an ask or whatever, i really dont mind to respond. i like to give my input/experience on stuff too. its kind of fun honestly. well... for about 2 mins before i want to delete my account and leave modern life behind lol.

i really find it so hard to respond especially when its a personal message or any longer than 2 replies though. im completely out after that goodbye

[chartnumber3]

why is the description of szpd so much more human than i am. like szpd is the "not feeling human disorder" and i still feel like im less than that. i am worse, i am schizoid but in such a cartoonishly exaggerated, pitiful way where i dont even know if i have it at times. i feel like an outcast even amongst the outcasts of outcasts.

"schizoids have a secret desire for connection, but fear of rejection and abandonment keeps them from truely connecting with anyone"

"they feel deep inside, and seek love"

"they have two parts. one carries the 'schizoid side', and the other carries the "real personality", where the emotions, aspirations, and personality traits reside. the schizoid side protects, while the real personality waits for a safe outlet to express itself"

i have no desire, i dont think i have a personality. im just some husk with little if any emotion and i think its getting worse. like the schizoid side but without anything else. i dont push away people out of fear or protection i do so out of simple lack of care and i dont want to and i just hate it and i just cant be a person . i dont want to be involved

[hazedxg0]

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that schizoid and avoidant personality disorders didn't used to be considered separate conditions. A lot of older writings on SzPD seem to reference things that would actually be classed as AvPD under modern labels, and I think that influences the way some people talk about schizoid experiences.

While I do believe they are separate conditions, they can have some similarities and they do co-occur sometimes. I think a lot of people in online schizoid communities probably have some avoidant traits, or potentially even comorbid AvPD.

Regardless, SzPD does exist on a spectrum of severity like any other condition. From what I've seen, the "secretly wants connection and has feelings" presentation is often classed as the lower end, and the "entirely schizoid husk" presentation is seen as the more severe end. That lower end of the spectrum can start to cross into AvPD territory as well.

I think that "severity" specifically has to do with the salience of the schizophrenia-spectrum traits involved, as opposed to "severity" of the psychological suffering per se. Some schizoids have very prominent anhedonia, avolition and asociality, whereas others only have them moderately. Avoidants have a similar personality style but are missing those schizospec traits.

Therefore, moderate severity SzPD or SzPD with comorbid AvPD/avoidant traits can look quite different from more overtly schizospec presentations of SzPD.

Or something, I don't know.

[chartnumber3]

really, really great insight, thank you.

that would make sense if avpd was confused for szpd for a while. i just wish there was more research about both pd's so that there arent people like me thinking they have something else because the data on our issues hasnt been updated for decades. probably one of the most forgotten and underresearched disorders ever lol. we got to work with what we have i guess.

it is honestly super interesting to learn about the differences between these two

[cluster-a-culture]

szpd culture is being asocial as can be, but also a people pleaser when forced to interact with people, even if people-pleasing sends me into a mental health crisis every time because it makes me feel engulfed