QT Talk

Welcome to QT Talk, a queer and trans feminist newsletter made for and by queer and trans people. Click here to sign up for your monthly QT Talk Newsletter About QT Talk // The QTs // Submit Your Work  

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We published our first newsletter! Read it in full right here, by clicking above. If you didn’t receive our newsletter, it’s probably because you did not subscribe with your email. You can of course, see our content on this page, but with the email subscription you will get it all at once, directly to you! Click here to subscribe. 

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Interrupting Oppression Tip of the Month (January)

With the inauguration coming up, we can all expect a lot of pushback against our identities as queer and trans people. Right now is a time where you should find ways to speak up within positions of privilege that you may hold. This is the time to continue putting yourself out there and demanding that others listen. Help other queers by putting in the emotional labor if you can, so they don’t have to. 

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Visionary Feminism by Margaret L.

I think most of us can agree that 2016 was A LOT...a lot of good, a lot of bad, a lot of conversations, a lot of emotions, a lot of changes, a lot of memes, and a lot more. As 2k17 begins, there’s a lot of “New Year! New *insert cheesy motivational alternative reality here*!”. As if the change of the calendar will spark a change of reality. I’m sure by now you’re thinking something along the lines of, “Wow..what a downer”....... or maybe I’m just projecting. Anywhooo, I’m actually meaning to say quite the opposite. Just because we don’t automatically change with the tick of the clock, doesn’t mean we can’t continue to grow and learn and change in 2k17.

So. Visionary Feminism. Ever heard of it?

“To be truly visionary we have to root our imagination in our concrete reality while simultaneously imagining possibilities beyond that reality.”

         -bell hooks (Feminism is for Everybody)

I figured bell hooks could describe it better than I ever could; so there ya go. I would encourage you all (myself included) to read more of bell hooks’ words if you haven’t already and if you can! I was first introduced to bell hooks in a Women’s Studies 101 class with Feminism is for Everybody being one of the books assigned. When reflecting on the reading as a class, the person offering the course, Sally, described Visionary Feminism in her own words as, “Rather than focusing on liberation from _____, focus on liberation for ____.”  

I know. Right?

What do I even know? I know that I know a lot. I just don’t know it in the same way anymore. Which I think might mean I learned something? I can’t tell what Sally’s goal was; to confuse me or to bring clarity. Maybe both. Anywhooo, these tangents have a point, I promise.

Visionary Feminism. 2017. “New Year! New Possibilities!”

It’s a new year, and it has a lot of possibilities, and it’s informed by the old year/s (ya know, all of that stuff that has happened even if we wish it hadn’t...aka 2016), and there’s a lot of work to do. Visionary Feminism is acknowledging the past, recognizing where we are at right now, and envisioning and practicing what the future can be. It’s more than just accepting the way things are; it’s going beyond that to empower ourselves and others as individuals, communities, and loved ones through activism and practicing our visionary feminism.

Liberation for me.

Liberation for you.

Liberation for us.

Liberation for _________

This article was written by Margaret L. Margaret is a queer cat luvr. She uses she/her/hers pronouns and is currently studying Social Sciences and American Sign Language/ Deaf Studies. Her thumb is green and her future unknown.

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Queer Influence: Brows and Books by Angelica Paz Ortiz

Even when I had long hair and wore short skirts, I was never fully femme. I was never read as the pretty girl. We might also consider that my self perception has always been and continues to be (although I am vehemently working to change this) tainted by societal standards of beauty and gender conformity that are centered in whiteness. All of which I do not meet. I never got as much attention from boys and men as my friends, cousins, tias did; which as I grew older I became very grateful for. Even in my femme days, I liked to shop in the Men’s section.In a family of predominantly women who grew up in San Francisco during the twists and turns of chola fashion, my shopping in the men’s section made a lot of sense. Yeah Mija, I like those little squares, my grandma would say as I brought home my first few starched flannels from the men’s sections of American Eagle and Kohls. In terms of gender performance, it is obvious to me that my grandma influenced me tremendously. Every day she wears the same look- red lipstick, light mascara, and long dark brown brows freshly penciled. She wears shades and puffed black vests over plaid long sleeve shirts. She is straight but her gender presentation, I have found, is not only queer in its embrace of masculinity (despite her role of housewife) but queer in its full bodied acceptance of her big Brown self. She’s a tough lady and she doesn’t have time for Eurocentric beauty standards and expectations of gender conformity.

Dressing in a way that I am read as queer or preferably, hella gay, has definitely helped me to really embrace and truly love and be grateful for my queerness. Since a lot of famous woman loving women are white I never really connected to a ton of openly gay, woman icons. However, upon my first year of college I found feminist theory, which is pretty often, queer as hell. Of my feminist library the book that rocked my gay world is without a doubt, Chicana Lesbians: The Girls Your Mothers Warned You About edited by Carla Trujillo. I had never even heard the words Chicana and lesbian together before this book. My ideas around Brown queerness before this book were mostly questions that I felt like I had no one to ask. Chicana Lesbians: The Girls Your Mothers Warned You About is full of stunning and warm poems and short stories written by queer Brown women. This book truly introduced me to loving my coarse and abundant dark hair, Brown skin, and big ass. I felt immense agency while reading poems about the histories, bodies, minds, and spirits of queer women I could actually relate to. Today, I am so grateful to be a big ol’ Brown queer. As always, with the help of incredible womxn of color and moving literature, I have begun to truly begin the journey of dismantling white supremacy by learning to love myself and my community.

This piece was written by Angelica Paz Ortiz. Angelica is a nerdy Brown queer  who loves food and feminism. They are Nicaragüense, Costa Rican and Chicanx. They love to teach, write, and eat eclectic varieties of cheese! They’re really into feminist research, feminist activism, & iced tea. 

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This is Why Queers Protest by Grace Piper

I am sitting in the Cinebar in West Salem watching a $6.50 matinee of “Rogue One” on the day that Carrie Fisher died and I am feeling heavy, I am holding back tears throughout most of the movie, not just for Carrie, but for me too. I remember being young and my whole family gathering on the couch in piles and we would stuff the VHS  in and watch in awe with a dialogue to follow. This is still common practice for us when we get together. Growing up, this made my first hero the bad ass herself, Leia Organa, who literally killed fascists, was a well trained activist and strategist, and really carried the rebellion (in my opinion more than Luke, but that’s a different article). As each new movie set comes out, we are presented with a femme doing the emotional labor of the movement (seriously though, Padme), as well as making the strides and helping us move on to restoring balance to the force (Thanks Jyn and probably Rey). I was inspired by their bravery, their tenacity, and most importantly, by their action. My youth connected me to Star Wars and to my activism. In watching “Rogue One,” I couldn’t help but cry because I could feel it, the way the film shows the growing fascist regime, the work they are doing to build the Death Star with the sole intent of destroying entire planets and wiping out entire groups of people-aliens-what have you. And I can’t help but feel like we are headed therein some way too. 

This cold year has housed a number of protests, particularly in Portland as well as nationally, and worldwide. State sanctioned violence against marginalized people is still rising (Huffington post reported that over 250 black people have been killed by police officers in 2016), world wide, transgender people are being murdered (click here to read about it), basic rights like if you can use a bathroom are still in question, the DAPL (Dakota Access Pipeline) is being unlawfully built despite being condemned by the Obama Administration late last year. And this is just what we can see. We know that people are being crushed by a violent system of oppression, that people are dying because they don’t have access to resources to survive. In the past couple of years, I have personally participated in various protests. At one point in time I had on a date where we went to a #DisarmPSU protest and debriefed afterwards over chai in a dirty coffee shop. I am not at every protest, but I believe in the change that they can create and I am cautious to criticize the ways in which marginalized people deal with their anger. Following the election, following the deaths of innocent people, following the massacre in Orlando, so many of us have found one another and called for action by taking action. In doing so, I have personally been asked “what does protesting even actually do?” “but why do they have to be violent?” or simply “protesting never works.” I am personally exhausted with this (by that I mean tired of being tokenized as a vocal QTPoC), but putting it in writing, sorting it through analysis, is how I can bring it to light, the reasons why queers protest.

We are not represented in the dominant paradigm. There are less than 10 out queer or trans (like every single possible LGBTQIA+ identity) representatives in congress. There are 535 total representative in the House and the Senate and there are seriously less than 10 queer and trans reps. I applaud the bravery it takes to be there and I applaud the bravery it takes to be outed and remain a minority in government work. Even though I feel for these people and I have so much tenderness for our little bit of representation, how can this handful of people possibly put our needs out there and get it through? How can those few people get ⅔ of the congress to believe us? In terms of statistics, it is really not probable. (Special shout out to these trans women who ran for office this year, y’all are amazing.) When traditional forms of change don’t work, we have to make our own means of change. This is why we protest.

Protests are a place in which the work of femmes can be recognized. In the academy, in government, in traditional forms of change or creations of knowledge, masculinity and men are celebrated. In protests, women and femmes carry us (kind of like how I mention that stuff about Star Wars), and particularly trans femmes and women of color. Marsha P. Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, Miss Major, Storme DeLarverie, the women leading the Women’s March following inauguration day, Molala, literally any of these women, I could go on. This kind of representation does not happen in traditional forms of change because money can’t be made unless someone is exploited, because white supremacist patriarchy is not powerful unless someone is suppressed, even when femmes do the work, men are often finding ways to masquerade it as their own. Femmes carry our world’s emotional labor and then still are not allowed in public domain, but in protesting, it is their domain.

Protest are on the cutting edge of a radical and progressive politic and that pushes the mainstream movement. They spread the word to the crevices of your town, of your country. To clarify, when I am discussing radicals, I do not mean TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists), I mean, as Angela Davis says “grasping things at the root.” Radicals are think deeper and search for the source of problems and of oppression. Liberals and often mainstream democrats are searching for the bandaid fix for the problem (like how do we make more people profit from capitalism, rather than how do we find a system that does not exploit people to create profit). What I mean is that radicals are so indepth and thorough in the think and activism, that they pave the way for new knowledge. Even when that new way of thinking does not catch on right away, it does eventually, it get’s adopted and employed in general progressive thought over time. Radical ideas pull us forward immediately and eventually.

#FunFact protests and rallies work. Here is a casual list of 7 protests that worked that I thought of off the top of my head in less than 2 minutes. In all of these, marginalized people unified, organized, planned an action (rally, civil disobedience, protest), and it accomplished one of their goals. The thing about protests is that a goal can be to completely overthrow a system, it can be to create a policy change, and it can also be to spread a message. These people were loud and someone listened. I want to add that I include violent protests/riots in this list because they have been effective forms of activism. Like I said earlier, I am cautious to critique the ways in which marginalized people chose to voice their anger, such as through destruction of property, when mass amounts of people are being overtly and covertly murdered in a dominant paradigm of normalized violence and state sanctioned violence (like Banana Republic probably made it just fine with a cracked window, y’all).

There are people in our country and worldwide who feel completely isolated, invisible, or unheard. There are people who do not have a wealth of community to lean back on. There are people who rely on the internet or the news to find any source of support. If you were not aware, since the election of Donald Trump, calls and texts on all major suicide hotlines have reached all time highs, particularly for queer and trans people. As queer and trans people, we often feel scared, and it is recent events (also such as HB2), that are affecting our safety in a multidimensional way. I do not know everything about what is going on for these people, but I do know that having community and support can make a person feel safer. When I do not know what to do, I reach out for community, and the creation of rallies and protests can create a community among the people who are there, but I can’t help but hope there is someone who needed it sees it too on the news or online somewhere. I can’t help but hope that the rural queers, that the black and brown kids, that the children of immigrants, that anyone who is afraid can see that there are thousands of people there for them, that are rooting for them, that are fighting for them, that hear them. That is why I protest. I am scared, but I am still there, for me and for them.

Following watching “Rogue One,” my family went home and put in “A New Hope” and began playing card games. “A New Hope” is pretty immediate after “Rogue One” and leads us into the bravery and strength of taking down the Empire’s oppressive government system in the “Star Wars” universe. As I watched the badass Leia herself take Luke’s blaster following his terrible rescue, she shoots open the vent to the garbage chute, and says to Han, “somebody’s got to save our skins,” I got a text from a friend that said “be like Leia in 2017. Fight on the front lines. Strangle fascists with the chains they would have you wear. Be a motherfuckin’ general.”

Next month keep an eye out for a follow up to this article as I head out to Washington DC to participate in the Women’s March on Washington following the inauguration of Donald Trump.

This piece was written by Grace Piper, a QTPoC Portlander with an interest in cheese and education.

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poems for my lovers

126 pages with&through unrequited love, lust, falling in love, heartbreak air, fire, water, earth

Looking to read a book by a local queer poet and artist? Leo Ariel recently published this collection of writing called “Poems for My Lovers.” You can purchase their book by clicking the link above. QT Talk also had a chance to chat with Leo about their work. Read the full interview by clicking here. 

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“Poems for My Lovers” an interview with Leo Ariel by Carly

Carly: Hi Leo, thank you for taking the time to interview with me! While reading your new book poems for my lovers, I was so impressed by your authenticity and emotional vulnerability throughout your collection of poems. poems for my lovers explores, in your words, “with and through elements (of) unrequited love, lust, falling in love, and heartbreak.” What inspired you to write this book?

Leo: Yeah dude, thank you so much, I’m honored.

The elements/parts of the book inspired me to write it. The delusion of unrequited love, burning lust for fucking, the fluidity and softness of falling in love, and the grounding that comes with having your heart broken. They are poems for my loverS because this book has to do with multiple people, people I know and love, people I have not yet met. There is a constant battle between being vulnerable and hard; this book/my feelings wade in that spectrum strait.

Carly: How did organizing the sections of your book into the elements come about?

Leo: Unrequited love literally means love that isn’t reciprocated or known about by the beloved. Until realizing it is unrequited love, you dwell in the delusion that they know of this love, that they reciprocate this love. Take the element of air: it is neither here nor there, here one minute, gone the next. It does not last, breezes are but illusions (delusions) on sweltering days, in the desert. In the middle stages of finalizing the book, it dawned on me that drawing a line through ‘unrequited love’ and renaming it delusions was the perfect way to convey my feelings on the subject-- overall and on an individual level.

Passion is fire. Sex is passion. Where would we be without lustful burnings for someone? Yes, some folks do not feel this, but I do. And I know other folks do, too. Lust is fleeting; as is the fire. The fire cannot always be raging, neither is lust. Fire is raw, and it burns, like good sex. I am fire. It is my element. I am passionate. I am vulgar and intense and fucking dirty when I fuck. The fire is hot, it leaves marks and burns and the ashes leave you liminally stained when you interact with it. Need I say more?

There’s a line in the lust section: “I love… fluid as the waters…” Love is fluid, as is water. Love is everywhere, it is nurturing. Love comes in waves but always has a current. It has highs and lows. It is tender, is it tangibly intangible. You can only contain it for so long, after that it’s either spilled or drunk up.

What is more grounding than getting your heart broken? After riding this wave of love, you either fall off or get off, come into contact with the earth. You hit the ground, you’re there: whether you like it or not. Once you’re there, you have to get reacquainted with the ground. You must ground yourself. You must come out of the water for a break every once in awhile, if not your fingers get pruny, and you may even start to drown if the waters are not still.

Carly: When are you at your most creative as a writer?

Leo: In pain. In joy. In dark. In light. There is no inspiration. There is no looking for inspiration. There is only creation. It is all around you. You do not need to seek or find inspiration, it is always there. It’s up to you whether to grab it or not. We all house the potential for creation. Some folks have it repressed or blocked up, they’re afraid. There is creation in fear, but so many dare not go there. But like, go there. Fucking go there.

Carly: What other forms of art do you create and how has this played into the making of poems for my lovers?

Leo: Collage is a medium I’ve been working with my whole life. Installation and performance pieces are also beloveds. When I read my work, it is a performance, I’m not just standing there reading. I pour all of myself into my poems, how can I not convey those sentiments when I’m reading them aloud? I am a leo after all. Drama for drama’s sake.

Carly: What did you learn from publishing your first book?

Leo: Patience. Programs aren’t that hard to figure out. It feels good to share my work with those who are open to it. I’m really bad at marketing and all that jazz, so I guess learn to appeal to capitalism more if I actually want to “make more of a profit” or reach out to a larger audience. Haha.

Carly: Who is your queer art influence?

Leo: Queer folx around me, queer artists around me, my queer community, artists who aren’t afraid to queer their work or themselves.

Carly: How does your queerness influence your artistry?

Leo: How doesn’t it? I have a poem written about brown boys where I talk about myself as a boi adjacent to a poem about my love for femmes and women. Can it get any queerer? Haha. On a more serious note, we shouldn’t be afraid to queer ourselves or our art. What for? You’re holding yourself back if you don’t. Queerness is a spectrum and a simultaneous breaking of that spectrum. I apply this to my writing. I’m not confining my emotions or my words: they aren’t static. Queerness isn’t static.

Carly: What advice do you have for up and coming queer artists?

Leo: Trust. Believe in yourself. Be queer as fuck. Queer the fuck outta your work because no one else will. Queer it until you sicken yourself, until it is so quintessentially you, so rawfully you, your essence seeps out like grease in a paper bag. Queer folks are fearless, sensual, sappy, and tender. Your work should be a reflection of who you are. Those engaging with your work will find reflections of themselves as well, or maybe they’re trying to find one. Who knows? But your work is with them for a reason.

Leo is a local artist, writer, and hidden femme sad boi. You can find more of their work here. 

Leo recently published their book, “Poems for My Lovers.” which can be purchased by clicking here. Find out information on Polychroma Collective, a group Leo is a part of by clicking here. 

This interview was done by Carly, yr local queer feminist studying Women, Gender, and Sexuality. She takes on too many big questions at once, but in this moment, she is concentrating on taking feminist action with emphasis on community.

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Look at These Protests Throughout History that Worked

The Montgomery Bus Boycott (1955): Rosa Parks, a well respected and very trained activist who served as NAACP secretary starting in 1943, participated in civil disobedience by refusing her seat on a bus to a white man, which caused the Montgomery Bus Boycott for over a year. The supreme court then ruled that segregation on buses would be illegal. The outcome of this protest was the creation of formal support for civil rights.

No DAPL (2016): This is an ongoing protests that began around April of last year. Native tribes from all over the Americas have convened on the Sioux tribe’s land to serve as a human barrier for the completion of the Dakota Access Pipeline that would run through the Sioux tribe’s water source. Originally, this pipeline was routed through a different area of land, but U.S. voters were able to vote for the rerouting of the pipeline, which lead to the current route through Sioux land (yeah, actually putting a pipeline underneath Sioux’s tribe’s Lake Oahe does count as Sioux land boundaries, violating Article 2 of the 1868 Fort Laramie Treaty. I am considering this a successful protest, although it is ongoing, because in a legal sense, it has been won. The Obama Administration called for the end of construction until a new route can be made. However, ETP is still building the pipeline and the only thing stopping them is the human blockade of protesters. The fight is partially won and you can keep water protectors alive by supporting them here.

Stonewall (1969): There is a lot of dispute of how this night went down, but we know that a police raid took place, which was very common in gay bars at this time since homosexuality and the act of being transgender or gender nonconforming was criminalized, there was a lot of violence provoked by police officers, queens, butches, femmes, and gay men were tired of being raped and brutalized by police officers for simply existing, so it is said that potentially Marsha P. Johnson, potentially Silvia Rivera, or potentially Storme DeLarverie were the first to fight back. One one began to fight, a riot broke out. Police officers literally had to hide from rioters until backup came. Riots and demonstrations followed for days where queer and trans people would no longer allow state sanctioned violence and the demolition of the safe havens. The Gay Liberation front was created, which advocated for gay rights and established what we now know as Pride. That’s correct, the first Pride was in fact a riot, and now is a celebration of our queerness. This violent and confrontation protest worked because queers were silenced and dying and took necessary action to create attention and demand safety.

March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom (1963): This was one of the biggest moments in the American Civil Rights movement. This was where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his iconic “I Have a Dream Speech.” Over 200,000 protestors came to march on Washington to call for the passing of the Civil Rights Act through congress. This bill would end segregation in public places, and ban employment discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin. The Civil Rights act did pass in the following year as a direct result of the March on Washington. Now we see this law being extended to gender and sexuality as we reinterpret it. This protest changed our entire country, this protest is potentially one of the most successful protests to happen in U.S. history.

Women’s Suffrage (1919): Alright, so there was hella racism in this movement. Women’s Suffrage was technically just allowing mostly upper class, white women to vote in the U.S. It was not until 1965 with the Voting Rights Act was this right extended to people of color. However, white women like Susan B. Anthony, protested for years, around 1917 up until the 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed in 1919.

ACT UP (1980s and 1990s): During the AIDs epidemic of the 1980s, gay and bisexual men were suffering at disproportional rates and were being ignored by medical doctors and politicians, primarily because of how stigmatized homosexuality was at the time. In New York, an extremely confrontation group developed, called ACT UP, which spread nationally, to draw attention to the AIDS crisis and demand that someone work to develop treatment and release it immediately. This group’s goal was to be very aggressive and was united in anger, which founding members still will state that confrontational anger and civil disobedience is still the most effective way to make change. This one obviously worked because we now have treatment for HIV/AIDS that can make it almost impossible to transmit and will generously improve their quality of life.

Black Lives Matter (2013-now): I mean there are lot’s of cases in which Black Lives Matter has held successful protests and rallies, have spread their message, and created change. An example that came to mind immediately was when Black Lives Matter protestors stopped the Pride parade in Toronto by marching in it. They made a list of demands to make changes to following Pride parades (such as increasing representation in Pride staff hiring, removal of police presence in all Pride parades and booths, etc), the parade stopped for only 30 minutes to convene over their demands, then they were signed by the director. Time will tell for next year’s Pride, but this victory is there. 

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What is QT Talk?

QT Talk was first thought up a couple of months ago, I had first bought a dyke shirt on the internet, the the crack in the U.S. political system had just completely unhinged, and all of us pals had just been to a queer ladies dance night that left us feeling jazzed and also bummed at the lack of community and space we are finding (or not finding). This idea for a newsletter made for and by queer and trans people materialized shortly after. Honestly, we are just a couple of queer and gender nonconforming nerdy feminist pals who are drawn towards writing, radical thinking, and art. This is our way of taking action, of being direct, and building community and thought. We invite you and the other queer and trans cuties to divulge in what we are putting forward and help us continue to put it forward. This is not just a space for our own thoughts, this is a community; if you have art to share, an analysis piece you wrote, want us to help publicize your book, really whatever, contact us--we want you! This is for us, for you, to take over and to claim what is yours. Education, feminism, politics, the academy, publishing, let’s queer it, right here.

QT Talk is a monthly newsletter created by and for queer and transgender people. We are here to cultivate alternative queer media focusing on the writing, art, and ideas with specific interest in elevating and amplifying topics on feminism, anti-racism, decolonization, and trans liberation. QT Talk works to be current and forward with all of the work published. Everything you say is created by a queer or trans person. This is your way to get monthly news, tips on your practice, learn about local artists, and find community.

This short piece was written by Grace Piper, a QTPoC Portlander with an interest in cheese and education. 

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Welcome to your monthly Resource Roundup where your pals at QT Talk share articles, videos, and cool resources that we have been using the past month. Everything that is underlined is a clickable link! Reblog and add your resources that you have been going back to lately. 

Angela Davis gave a speech at UC Davis in 2006 on how we create change. She talks about envisioning change, how knowledge is made, and how to use knowledge in transformative ways. Seriously, take an hour to watch this speech. In the name of visionary feminism, the new year, and the rise of fascism, please listen to this treasured feminist.

Fundraising and donating are some of the best ways to support a movement, especially when you are not able to participate otherwise, or maybe it would not be appropriate for you to participate otherwise. However, donating money can always be complicated because money is complicated, but here are a few tips on how to make monetary contribution more possible.

Being non-binary, and particularly a non-binary femme, can be a difficult place to be situated because of pervasive misgendering, even in queer and feminist spaces. This article can give you some support, and is great to share with your pals who keep calling it “ladies night” when you in fact are not a lady.

2016 was filled with attention to queer women being killed off on television. So few shows are doing this right and are instead relying on tropes and stereotypes. However, if you are looking for a queer web show that is about queer women of color and has a happy ending, it’s right here.

Every year there are lot’s of people who want to make reading a priority for their New Year’s resolution. If you’re going to commit to that (personally, I am a nerd and will be committing) then start with a list of queer and feminist books. Click here for the list!

I am working hard to consume as much media as I can by women of color, and particularly by queer women of color. Bitch Media, a local feminist media source in Portland, put out an incredible photo essay by a woman of color, who showcases other people of color as they have a dialogue about the complexity of “joy.” Seriously great read. Click here for the article. 

This month’s Resource Roundup was compiled by Grace Piper, a QTPoC Portlander with an interest in cheese and education.

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I wanted to reach out to you all To all my women of color To my black and brown and queer and Muslim and immigrant and undocumented and female and trans friends To all of my friends who hold or sit at the intersections of multiple targeted identities I know you're hurting We are mourning together today Let us take time to see each other Let us take time to hear each other Let us take time to hold each other Let us take time to recognize each other in this moment And then let us organize Because for us, revolution is in our DNA Survival is in blood The strength of our ancestors from generations lives in our bones Resilience flows through our veins 500 years of oppression has taught us a lot We have to hold tight to our stories Our culture Each other Because remember, they were so scared of our power They voted for hate They were so scared of our magic They needed force to control us They were so scared of our pure survival skills They didn't realize they were going to need us Hold each other close Remember how magical we are Know how powerful we become united We are here in this moment for a reason Recognize the revolution is upon us Remember you were built for it

“Organize” by Brianna Bragg//submitted to QT Talk PDX

Brianna is a queer, two-spirit, womyn of color and size, you can contact her at [email protected]

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Ghosts in the Spotlight by Jill Maywhether

They’ll try and tell you we weren’t socialized as female; that we didn’t receive the same messages about female bodies, our bodies, and about what they were supposed to look like.

 I did. 

I received every microaggression, every terrible joke, every suggestion in the subtext of the media I consumed. I absorbed all the messages our culture slyly whispers and all the ones blaring from every loudspeaker, and I made them all a part of me. I heard what they say about us behind closed door. I heard the bluster of men, so afraid to understand women for fear they may humanize us that they speak of us as alien creatures or mysterious goddesses or grotesque beasts. That is how I learned what women are. 

I learned that a woman’s worth was in her utility to men, and that an unattractive woman had no utility. I learned how to dominate. I learned how to dehumanize. I learned how to hurt in the most intimate ways by prodding the bruises left by others. I learned the rules, and I made them all a part of me as well. 

It comes as no surprise to me now that, before I knew what kind of girl I would be: before I knew that I would like wearing floral print dresses with combat boots or that I would be kind and compassionate or that I would fill my small world with tears of joy and tears of cathartic sadness; I knew what kind of girl I would never be, could never be. 

I can’t ever be fat. I can’t ever be ugly. I would be better off dead. 

I’d always hated my body. I knew, deep down, that I would never be happy with it; so I threw it away. In denial, I binged on anything I could find that gave me even a short reprieve from the pain of hiding. I ordered the largest thing on the menu and stuffed it all into my body before I could think about it. I drank whole bottles of alcohol; I wouldn’t stop drinking until I no longer existed, if only for a blessed few hours. The next day I’d wake up and hide the damage I’d been doing to my body under baggy t-shirts and pants and I would pretend that this was normal. Patriarchal masculinity will normalize any amount of self-destructive behavior for you, so long as you continue to follow the rules.

On my first day as a girl I weighed 276 pounds. The walls of denial had come crashing down, but they had crashed down on top of me. All the misogyny I’d used to deflect my own girlhood turned inward. I looked in the mirror at the body denial had cultivated and felt physically ill. I was disgusted by myself. My perception of my body twisted up into the expectations and baggage that have tormented and barbed female bodies since long before I was born, and I was only too willing to hate myself for every failure to live up to those expectations. Hating myself was familiar territory. 

So I made that hatred work for me. I hated myself thinner. I worked out and dieted obsessively. I ran like I was running away from my past, and if I was too tired to keep running, I’d look in the mirror and hate what I saw until I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to push harder; running through bitter tears toward an ideal body that I thought would make me feel okay. That would make me feel right. But I only felt awful. The thing about using self-hate as a motivator, is that there’s no real end goal. You never get what you want because it’s never enough. Self-hate becomes an end unto itself. 

It wasn’t until Laverne came into my life and told me that “Trans is beautiful” that I started to claw my way out of the pit that patriarchal values had dug for me. When Janet said, “We are not secrets. We are not shameful. We are worthy of respect, desire, and love,” there was no “if” or “but” at the end of that statement. We are worthy. Period. Full Stop.

It’s been tough living through a time where trans women are more scrutinized, more sensationalized than ever before, but it’s been this turbulent time that has brought forth the vessels of trans-positivity and trans-feminism that have been the nourishment of so many of us. Famous, beautiful trans women telling interviewers that the intimate details of their bodies, of our bodies, are none of their fucking business; telling the world that misgendering trans women is violence and that it’s our choice when, if ever, we decide to disclose our trans status to anyone. 

But trans-positivity, self-worth, and body autonomy don’t sell, and they sure as hell don’t sell if you’re not conventionally attractive. You’re not going to find a fat trans woman loving herself in your media right now. In fact, you’re not going to find a fat trans woman in your media right now. When trans women are portrayed in media we’re lithe and edgy; mysterious and tempting. We’re smoking cigarettes in the background of your gritty city shot. We’re a dramatic reveal played by a thin cis woman to spice up your drama. We’re an inspirational tale of successful assimilation. But we’re always conventionally attractive, because when we are not conventionally attractive, we are not women. Fat trans women in popular media are portrayed as men in dresses, as a source of derision and ridicule and a perfect target for our culture to express just how deeply it hates women, in a way that lets them avoid looking like regressive villains because hey, they’re not *really* women! To call that representation is a spit in the face and gives far more credit than the people creating this media deserve. 

A handful of trans women, fierce and vibrant though they may be, cannot adequately represent us all. They have let us down -- because of course they have. They’re human beings. Every time one of these public figures says or does something that isn’t perfect, it sends ripples through our community because we are scared it could be misconstrued and used against us. We have adopted a culture of scarcity around representation, but representation is not a scarce resource. It’s only as scarce as the people who make decisions in media choose it to be. 

We all deserve better, both the people who have been thrust into the forefront and those of us who can only stand by and watch. It isn’t fair to ask these people to represent us all, but we all deserve to be represented. We need representation so desperately. We need to be humanized in the eyes of those who would see us harmed or neglected. Our young people need to see themselves and know that they are not alone. Until we’re all allowed to love ourselves like Laverne or until we’re all allowed to proclaim we are worthy like Janet, openly and proudly as trans women and girls of all kinds, we are not being represented. We are hyper-visible, but invisible. Ghosts in the spotlight. 

Originally commissioned by a private publication, published here with permission.

Jillian Maywhether is a trans girl with a lot of feelings. You can play the text games she makes at www.crying.online

You can find Jill Maywhether at @jillgamesh on Twitter and play her games at crying.online. You can support her at patreon.com/jillgamesh

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Stay queer all year by subscribing to our newsletter made for and by queer and trans people. Click here to sign up for QT Talk and you’ll receive your newsletter on January 10th. Learn tips on interrupting oppression, start thinking about visionary feminism for 2017, ways to take action, and more. 

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Another snow gay in Portland. Hope all you snow queers are staying warm. Please share this resource of warm shelters for those in need! 

P.S. Make sure you are subscribed to our newsletter coming out on the 10th of every month. There’s going to be writing, art, narratives, and all sorts of good stuff. Click here to learn more. 

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Hey there QT Talk is coming out with our first issue in just under a month. That means you have less than 30 days until you receive an email full of rad queer and trans writing, art, poetry, narratives, books, etc. Click here to sign up!

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It snowed today in Portland. We got to wear 5 different flannels at once (aka extra gay). Also though, the holigays are coming up and things usually get a little funky visiting fam, or not getting to visit fam, or being stuck at work, or not getting to be at work. Either way, our newsletter is coming out just after the holigays, so there is something to look forward to!

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This is your friendly reminder that trans exclusionary radical feminism hurts the movement and contributes to systemic transgender oppression and we are not about that.  😎😎😎😎😎😎

*Editors note: TERF stands for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism. Because we are made for and by queer and trans people, and because we want to end sexist and gendered oppression, we do not condone the exclusion of transgender, gender queer, or gender non-conforming people. If you find that your feminism polices transgender people, particularly trans women, find ways to invest in better feminism like reading some articles from Black Girl Dangerous, Autostraddle, or subscribing to next month’s QT Talk newsletter so you can remove that practice from your feminism and work towards a better liberation. *