will byers stan first human second
#extradirty
DEAR READER
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Andulka
Origami Around
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Today's Document
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Janaina Medeiros
hello vonnie
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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Cosimo Galluzzi
taylor price
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@qttimewithsandr
Thoughts
I will be doing my QTs in my journal, because my team leader recommended we all start a journal for STSM.
But let me leave these quotes...
Romans 7:18 “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
Romans 7:25 “...So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”
So sorry God.
#Uganda2k15
Let’s begin.
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Romans 1
Verses 4-6: “Jesus Christ our Lord, through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ” Through Jesus Christ, we have received grace and apostleship so that we can bring about the obedience of faith; evangelism. His name will be carried among all the nations, to bring about believers to Him.
Verses 12-13: “that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that I have often intended to come to you (but thus far have been prevented), in order that I may reap some harvest among you as well as among the rest of the Gentiles.” Mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. On STSM, I want to be an encouragement for someone else on my team. I also want to encourage the people we will be sharing our faith to, and also I want to be encouraged by the people there. PD was right, we are going to STSM so that our lives may be changed. I know why God is sending me to Uganda. And I think it is very fitting for me. Kindness.
Verse 17: “For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.” The righteousness of God is revealed by OUR faiths FOR faiths. And that same righteousness is also within us, when we live by faith. Therefore, by living faithfully, we will be righteous alongside God. God’s justice is shown by our faith for other people’s faiths.
Verses 24-25: “Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.” So this is what we have to not let happen. By showing them God’s righteousness and therefore allowing for them to gain it by giving them faith, their hearts will be clean and they will know the truth of our Creator.
Hmm I’m getting extremely tired.
Can’t believe I’m going to Uganda this summer. It still hasn’t hit me.
1:28AM. too tired last night, sorry God...
can’t believe it’s been 365 days since he left. time goes by so fast, yet also I think time took a while to reach 365. it took a long time for a year to go by. A lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, a lot of tears, a lot of struggles slowed down these past 365 days. yet my mother makes it through the falling rain everyday.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 2 Corinthians 6
“...but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise.” -Verses 4-8. It’s that time of year again. I don’t know why, but I’ve unknowingly slipped into a bit of depression. I can tell by my habits; missing school for a whole week, shopping obsessively, insomnia, watching my favorite kpop star. It’s just emptiness. I don’t know, but nothing gives me complete pleasure except distracting myself. Not even talking to people is as thrilling as it once was. And I know, it’s cause Jesus is not the center of my life. It’s cause right now, I am struggling with the house of God, and I desperately want to seek a new church. It’s because I am selfish, and I am not satisfied with the conditions He has given me right now. I am very sleepless these days. I can’t concentrate at all on anything. I have finals in 3 days, but I have yet to study at all. This emptiness, it has come at a bad time. I don’t know why I have it right now. But I do. I am afflicted.
“...as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.” -Verse 10. We have this verse on our kitchen wall, and it’s our own every-korean-family’s bible verse in a frame on the wall. I always read it, and I always thought, “man, a better verse fitting our family wouldn’t be found than this” and I told my mom that. And she agreed, and she told me she loved this verse. And that it really symbolized our family. And I agree. Everything this verse says is pretty much true. Our family is ragged with hardships. Ragged with suffering. It never ends. Yet we rejoice. Yet we enrich others lives. Yet we have everything.
I have so many idols right now. I am a temple of the living God, yet there are other idols inside of me. But right now, I don’t know what to do. I am struggling a lot. There’s just one thing I want to do, and it’s to run away. I want to go on missions to help people, but I also need a break from this world. It’s just too hard. Or I’m depressed.
3.14.15
until another 365 days. Wait for me.
2:14AM. Last night, I did my devotional in my journal because my mom told me some comet was flying by Earth and I had to turn off all my electronics from 12AM-3:30AM...yeah...
I really loved last night’s devotional though. One of my favorite verses, verse 7, was also in last night’s reading. It was really blessingful*.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 2 Corinthians 5
“For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” -Verse 1. “He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.” -Verse 5. “So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.” -Verses 6-7. I think these are a good few verses for me to reflect on for this weekend. These are really beautiful, calming, reassuring, reflective verses. I love 2 Corinthians. So blessingful. Although our earth is deteriorating, although our flesh is deteriorating, we have our eternal home by God’s side. And we have the Holy Spirit inside of us as a kind of ticket. I want to remember these verses. This Saturday is my father’s first year anniversary. I know that he is waiting to be risen up with Christ. To go to our heavenly dwelling. I can see him forever, once I go to heaven. And he will be without pain. I will be without pain.
“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” -Verse 14-15. Amen. The gospel. Lord, help me to realize the depths of Jesus’ death and resurrection for us. Too many times I just ignore that fact, and I just accept it as a common truth, not needing any reevaluation or reflection. Help me to love you, and so I may love those who you have also died for.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away behold, the new has come.” -Verse 17. Amen! We are a new creation. Why do we still act like those who don’t know God’s love? Why are we no different? We should be transformed.
“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” -Verses 18-21. I wish I could just memorize and remember all of 2 Corinthians. This is so much. This is why we should go on missions. To spread the message of reconciliation with God. There are people out there who are empty, devoid, lifeless. They need a message of hope. They need God’s love and a purpose for their meaningless lives. And as believers who have accepted that message and believe, it is our duty to spread God’s love, and in that we must spread the message that God has connected with us once again, by sending His son to be the sacrifice for our wrongdoings. Amen!
Prayer Requests: to stop idolizing things. i have so many idols right now. To use God’s love as a meaning and purpose for my life. To study for finals.
3.12.15
1:20AM. I'm so sorry for missing again. I guess I just feel too comfortable. Wow, I'm not even disciplined in devotionals.
My mom's going to North Korea soon. I need to pray for her.
I talked to Amy today and I felt a lot better. Can't wait to see her this weekend. This weekend is also my father's 1st anniversary.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 2 Corinthians 3
"...our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit." -Verses 5-6 God is so gracious that He gives us enough godly wisdom so that we may be ministers of His word. That is so weird to me. I've been thinking that I was lacking these days... as a small group leader. Possibly. Maybe. God is trying to tell me that I should be in a way evangelizing to my kids? Not sure. Possibly. Maybe they aren't full hearted believers?
...okay I switched from reading the Bible online to using my Bible because my mom told me the word of God is powerful and should be read literally. And also because I wanted to encourage my roommate next to me to read the Bible. But I'm reading 2 Corinthians 2 and its sounds totally different from what I wrote about two days ago. Okay, I don't know, but I'll be reading from the Bible from now on.
This next part is such a beautiful passage. It is Paul talking about God's glory and about our hopefulness of when Jesus Christ comes and lifts us up to a higher glory. A lot of these verses are put into songs "...and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." -Verse 17, "...with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord..." -Verse 18. The second one being in one of my most favorite Christian songs, Soon. Through Christ, our veils are lifted. Right now, I am in a veil. I can't see God's glory that well, because I have not been humble. I run away from God's arms because I seek to rely on myself. I am selfish and I love my flesh, so I refuse His word. That is me right now. Clearly. Because I don't do my devotionals everyday. I don't pray everyday. But that needs to change. Because we are "being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." -Verse 18. Such a beautiful verse. Does my life look like I am being transformed like Christ?
Prayer Requests: to study. I am not studying. I don't feel the urgency. I have a serious problem. Am I going to fail college? Possibly. I really suck.
3.10.15
1:06AM. Today, I was angry at church.
When I shared about my feelings of just my overall emotions of uncomfortableness at church, I got rebuked by both Christian and Pastor Jae. I was intensely frustrated. I remained silent for the rest of staff meeting cause I was so pissed off. But I think Satan was subtly planting seeds of bitterness inside of me. I just wanted to be understood. I just wanted to be comforted. I just wanted to be prayed for. Especially these days, when those kinds of relationships are just so lacking. I just don't have a close person to do that with. It sucks. But I'm trying to get close to these people here at SB.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 2
"I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power." -Verses 3-5. I think these are good words to take mind of and be acted upon. We should humble ourselves as we head out to the mission field. I think it's good just as Paul says, to clear our minds to be filled only of Jesus, so that when we minister and evangelize it would be Christ-centered and God-breathed.
I want to see and experience what God has prepared for me.
"What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us....“Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ." -Verse 12, 16. Only the Spirit of God can understand what God is thinking and what He has prepared, and the depths of His love for us. However, Christ dwells in us and our body is where the Holy Spirit dwells. Therefore, we can discern and understand God's love for us, although we can never fathom the depths, the extent, and the future planned out for us. "God open our eyes towards a greater glimpse." We yearn as Christians to see God and to understand more of His love for us.
Prayer Requests: church, still. I just don't feel comfortable to share anymore in staff meeting either. I feel like I am being judged, or not welcomed, or something, it's just not comfortable. I'm not that excited about going on senior trip. It's just whatever for me right now. Hopefully, it gets better. I don't really care anymore honestly. If I love God, He will bless me. If I love my fellow believers, God will bless me. And that's all.
3.8.15
3:20 AM. Why is it 3:20AM...
I dislike this! It feels way too early to be this late...
I watched 3 episodes of my favorite KPOP star in his new drama~
wahhhh, it's so amazing, and such a good drama!!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Devotional/Thoughts on 2 Corinthians 1
"...the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." -Verses 3-4. Yes. We find comfort in God. He is our ultimate source of comfort. What does that mean? We should rest in God despite our struggles. I need to do this. I need to rely on God. I need to love Him. So that I may love others. Loving others also means being able to comfort them due to me loving God. Due to me being comforted by God.
"Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." -Verses 9-10. He gives us trials so that we may depend on Him. I want to depend on you God. Church for me is so difficult. This is your house. But I do not feel comfortable there. Help me to go to church to love you. Help me to see church as a place for your will to be done. As a place where I will follow your commandments and love you; in result loving others.
"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." -Verse 20. Amen! Amen! Let your will be done, God!
Even my devotionals are getting shorter and shorter. To be honest, my spiritually life is kind of becoming a standstill. I don't really feel myself growing that much anymore. I think it is largely due to the fact that I am simply not growing at church. I have no small group leader that keeps me accountable or prays for me or shows me God's love at church. I have no small group that I can share my testimony with, have fellowship with, and have prayer requests with at church. I have no EM Pastor that is interested in my life and interested in taking care of me and praying for me. Yet I find myself not relying on God for all this. So I will diligently pray from now on, for the revival of Canaan church, and if it is in His will, for me to do something about it. Make a change or something. Because I know that I am going through this tribulation right now for a reason. And I know it is by God's will because I am standing strong in my faith and seeking a better situation for Canaan. Canaan is supposed to be the promised land, yet I do not feel welcome here. I will wait until the end of this church school year. If the situation does not change by August/September (when the grades go up one and seniors graduate), I will make a change. I will take it as a sign from God, because I will hopefully have diligently prayed until then.
SoW was also difficult today. I think I have been too nice. These kids are not the same as when I was in SoW. There is just too much lack of respect for me, and any other teacher when we teach. There's too much talking, and I understand now why Esther teacher is always burnt out by the end of practice. For the first time, I actually got mad today at the kids. I even told Brandon to stop distracting the kids. I felt bad, but what could be done? They were not listening. Esther jundo told me one time that leadership really makes or breaks the group. We are still trying to figure out how to make the kids' perspectives change. They are just seeing the importance of practice and they don't have the right attitude. I think next week, I am just going to have to give them a pep talk, and be mean if I have to, although I really don't want to.
3.7.15
12:53 AM. Wow, I'm so sorry God for missing yesterday night. I was just so tired that I kind of fainted...
I've been really slacking off...sorry...with Finals coming up, I should be more reliant on God but I'm finding myself to be relying on myself more...
Wow, I didn't even realize that I was doing that. God speaks to me a lot. These devotionals are so pivotal and crucial. Wow. I didn't even realize that I wasn't relying on God. Wow God. You are so amazing.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 16
Wow, last chapter!!! Cheers to my first ever book that I did devotionals on every chapter on!!! Christianity just gets better and better!!!
"Let all that you do be done in love." -Verse 14. I'm trying God, I'm trying... T_T That passage on the way of love (1 Corinthians 13) really impacted me. I've been really trying to love God and love others more these days. Although I get hurt easily and I haven't really been finding rest these days...I just realize that I should find rest in God. I've been trying way too hard these days. It's really not in my power to do everything. I have forgotten to pray. But now, I need to really pray for the things I struggle with, and even the simple things that I want done and need to do. However, if everything I do must be in love, then I must be loving God. Help me to love you, Father.
"If anyone has no love for the Lord, let him be accursed. Our Lord, come!" -Verse 22. Love! 1 Corinthians talks about love so much. Love is indeed very important. I need more of it. I really don't love others. But these days, I've been really trying hard not to boast, and to really love others. Although it's been a struggle, especially because I am a sinner and I forget to do these things, it can be done through God's grace.
This was a goodbye kind of chapter so there was not much that I can grasp from, but nonetheless it was a good chapter and ending to 1 Corinthians. On to 2 Corinthians! Yay my other favorite book!
Prayer Requests: Church is still difficult to me. Although these may be wrong motives, I just don't feel a community there anymore. I just don't feel like I am welcome there? I don't know. That's just the vibe I get, whether I am imagining it or not. It feels like I'm not really necessary there, which kind of hurts. But I've been trying so hard to love everyone. Despite my struggles, I want to love them. I know God will bless me through my efforts.
3.6.15
1:28 AM. I'm pretty tired so I'll be doing my devotional while lying down today.
Today was not productive at all...I am so lazy. Ugh. what is wrong with me.
I'm really sleepy so I'll just get on with the devotional.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 15
"For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain." -Verses 9-10. It's amazing how humble Paul can be, how he talks about he is the least of all the apostles and acknowledges his sin of once having persecute the church. But even the Bible says the first shall be last and the last shall be church. Although Paul deems himself as the least of all the apostles, it is Paul who plants many churches and writes almost all of the New Testament.
...dangit I fell asleep. Okay I'll just continue where I left off from last night. 2:06AM. I have to write an essay but I'll do this first.
If Christ had not been resurrected, that means he would have not have had conquered death, and our faiths and lives would be meaningless because we would be teaching and believing false truths. Yet, the fact that Christ indeed resurrected from the dead is what justifies our faith. And also, God has put everything beneath Him.
"Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame." -Verse 34. We need to really get our acts straight. I know for sure I dawdle too much and waste so much time. Paul is right. There are millions of people out there who don't know who God is at all.
ahhh I'm so tired...
God sows each one of us with a different body. But "What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable." -Verse 42. "Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven." -Verse 49. Think of how wonderful heaven is.
"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law." -Verse 56.
"...be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." -Verse 58.
Good night, I will write my essay now.
3.4.15
1:36 AM. Today was okay. I definitely wasted too much time.
I went to Prayer Rock with KCM instead of EPIC Bible Study today. It was definitely a good time. I really enjoy praying, especially if it's in front of a beautiful beach and such a beautiful sky. But today, Joey saw a prophetic image while praying over me, and he told me he saw a flower with spikes on its petals. And then he talked about how I must have had some kind of hurt in the past and that's why my defense is so high. And then he said he saw a knife coming down and taking the spikes off one by one. Then he told me that God will help me take this wall of defense down; it's easy for God to do so. And I was so shocked and blessed by this.
I came over a lot of revelations while praying today. One of them was about yesterday's devotional; love. It's been so hard for me to love others, and I realized it was because I don't love God enough. I don't prioritize Him over stupid things like video games, and I don't really focus on Him purely when it comes to ministry. Especially church; I realized that I have not been focusing on God at church. I need to love God first and foremost so that His love will work in me all the amazing things that love does. Another revelation I had today was about leadership. This past Sunday, Esther teacher was talking about a dance group called V3, who were originally a singing group. The singing group branched off a dance group, but only the dance group thrived because the leader named Eddie took a lot of care of the group. That did't impact me as much until I was praying today. I realized the reason that CYG is so stagnant is that us Staff aren't really doing anything helpful for the group. Honestly, I've recently started praying for my small group kids. I haven't even started praying for youth group yet. I am such a bad example as a leader. I realize that Esther teacher is right, the leadership is what brings up a group. I really need to step it up and start making a change in this church. I need to bring this up in staff meeting.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 14
Wow, I just talked about prophecy and the devotional talks about prophecy...
"Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy." -Verse 1. I decided at Prayer Rock to devote myself to loving God and through that loving others!
"So with yourselves, since you are eager for manifestations of the Spirit, strive to excel in building up the church." -Verse 12. Yes, we have to build up the church! With our spiritual gifts, we should be building up the church.
"I will pray with my spirit, but I will pray with my mind also; I will sing praise with my spirit, but I will sing with my mind also." -Verse 15. That is so right. Sometimes, we just go through the emotions. I'll be honest, I just went through the motions so much when I was singing along to Pastor Timothy. It was just not engaging for me at all. And prayer too; many times I've just prayed because it was necessary. We should be praising God with all our heart, mind, and soul because we love Him in that way too.
Paul says that prophecy can competently evangelize to nonbelievers.
I wonder how I can prophesy? I don't have any idea; nor am I that educated in prophesying. We should earnestly ask God for manifestations of the Spirit; including prophesy and all the other gifts.
Short today because there's not much to really write!
3.2.15
1:04 AM. Hmm...
Well, Roy. I meant only the first part of the notes to be notes to you I guess? Honestly, if you look at my diary, I actually write like this... haha! Even in my diary, I write as if I'm talking to someone. I don't know, isn't that the right thing to do? Like you're talking to your diary?
To tell you my true feelings Roy, I honestly don't know anymore. I'm sorry that I'm putting you in such a bad situation. I really am. But this blog, I'd be really sad if you deleted it. It's been such a good place to place my thoughts! I'm sorry if that's being selfish though~
themelios is greek for foundation! I am getting grounded in the gospel right now. With these devotionals, I am building a foundation for myself. I can only build myself up from this foundation of daily bible readings. It's from here that I just keep on glorifying God and serving Him more on top of the basics of reading the Bible.
It's hard for me, I'm just a bit worse than others. I feel very uncomfortable seeing you, I'll be honest haha. But no, I never considered leaving church. Maybe in the distant future, but not now. Do you want me to leave? I am a new small group leader and I just became in charge of Praise Team. It's just too much to leave behind. Even if I feel uncomfortable right now, the Christian walk was never meant to be for the fainthearted. It builds you up and makes you stronger, and stronger. This is disciplining myself.
Today I was so ridiculously busy! All three ministries I'm involved in in one day: Canaan, SoW, KCM! Wow! The 1st Sunday of each month is going to be so hard for me...
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." -Verse 1. If I had love, I think that I wouldn't boast as much as I do. Ugh! This tongue business is so hard. It's so hard to watch what I say. I am such a not-thinking, spit out the words hurriedly kind of person. But I really don't want to stumble others. And I really want to demonstrate God's love through my words. And I want God's power to be shown through my words.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." -Verse 4-7. Man, I just got owned. This passage makes me feel like I am a loveless piece of orange. I am NOT patient, I am somewhat kind I guess (I hope), I ENVY and I BOAST a LOT. I am ARROGANT and pretty RUDE. I am STUBBORN. I am IRRITABLE. I do rejoice at truth though :) I am so love less...why can't I love others? It's so hard. But it's the best feeling in the world! But it's so hard. But it's the most important commandment! But it's so hard.
"Love never ends." -Verse 8. Paul talks about how we are all incomplete. Yet love is what is eternal; and that love is Jesus's death and resurrection for us; it is God's promise of eternal life for us; it is God's love for us. God's love for us is the only thing that lasts. This reminds me of what Grace, Elijah's mother shared with us today. She was talking about how the rain ruined her garage and a lot of her children's trophies and photo albums. Then she talked about a passage in the Bible that gave her piece; the one where it talks of our treasures stored up in heaven, and that all our earthly items will rot away. I thought that was so significant. We really don't need much on this earth. We need treasures stored up in heaven. We need to outdo each other in honoring God. We need to be the servants of all.
There are just so many bible passages that are really affecting me these days. Today I had a thought; I hope the Bible never ends. Because I am becoming sanctified every single day. I never want to lose this feeling.
It's almost finals week. Let's work hard.
3.1.15
Hey Selah, I can't really study cause this is on my mind right now. I just want to ask you what is the point of writing those notes before your devo's? If I didn't read these, it would seem like you are writing a note about your day to yourself. Which is kind of insane. LOL. And I've been realizing that when you do your devo's it still seems like you are writing them to me. Stop that. I'm actually thinking about just deleting this blog. What do you think? If I am to do that, I would of course give you time to copy and paste all of the devo's you have done. Or maybe I should just not read it? But you can just create your own blog for that, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean this blog was for you and me, but it's just yours now so the title of the blog would be a lie! So I think a new blog is in order.
I'm sorry for your current situation with church. I'm sorry you feel that way. But maybe, if you spent as much time with the kids or staff as much as you do with SOW you wouldn't feel that way? I don't know. But IMO you spend much more time with them than church people. Maybe it's because it's awkward with this whole situation with you and me. But I think you don't give them a chance to show that they want the best for you, too, not just me. And I certainly want what's best for you! I've come to accept that you and I are most likely finished Selah. I can't expect anything. It's been nearly a month and you still can't look at me. I can't live with that Selah. Holding onto that little faith that maybe, just maybe, you will be my girlfriend again, while you can't even look at me. While you won't even talk to me. You ask me to be patient, but I think since you were the one that broke up with me, it should have been you being patient with me. But I'm okay now. So what are you doing? I'm pretty frustrated. But, whatever. I'm not going away, sorry to say! I remember you said that if you were too friendly with me than people would be like what da frak!? They just broke up!! What is that?! Something along those lines(not really lol). Ye I'll be honest, today I ignored you a little. I just don't see the point if my friendliness isn't going to reciprocated. But that was a bad attitude so I'm sorry! And if you didn't notice, you didn't read anything!!!~~~~ Anyways, I'm gonna be selfish for once and say stop caring about what people think and please talk to me! Or when I talk to you don't give me a blunt answer and not try to continue the conversation :) I think I've said this like 5 times already lol. I will keep saying it until you tell me to shut up!
It seems like you are considering leaving Canaan(I don't know just a feeling). If that happens, I'll be happy for you! You are making the decision yourself! But happy just cause of that! Not cause you are leaving. If that is something that God is convicting you of and you think it'll benefit you, than I encourage you to do that! Of course, after talking with the pastors.
I don't know what I'm really writing. I guess this is my weekly communication to you cause obviously we can't be seen talking in public! :O
Unrelated: I GOT DMG ON CS. BADGE RANK WOOOO. I wanted to tell you at church, but I thought how the convo would be like and I decided not to Me: Dude, Selah, I got badge on cs! You: Oh cool....*walks away* ~~~awkward~~~
You have been giving me prayer requests, but I haven't. I don't want to give them to you on here. So...yeah. Regardless, I will continue to pray for you. If you're okay with this blog being deleted, I hope you can give me your prayer requests some other way. If not, I understand. Alright Selah! Rant over! You don't have to answer to this. Errrrr. maybe answer the blog part though lol. Oh answer this too. What's that tag you keep using? #themelios? Alrighty, buh-bye!
12:02 AM. Ugh...I'm so sorry God...
I skipped two nights because the first one I was dying my friend Michelle's hair and had to come to my room at 2AM to do my HW, which I couldn't do cause I was so tired so I took a nap and woke up at 6AM to do it. Then I couldn't do Friday night because I took min and sara to LA after church and we stayed out till 3:30AM...I fainted as soon as I got home.
But today is a new day! God's grace still saves me.
Today was a great day. All week I was looking forward to SoW and I had a good time. I love SoW. I can't wait until Saturday again.
Esther teacher bought me Gu-iya! It was the first time that I have ever ate with just her.
God is so gracious; He allows me to be used for His kingdom in a means that gives me so much joy.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 12
"...but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good." -Verses 6-7 Today while Esther teacher and I were eating at Gu-iya, she asked me if I ever took any dance lessons when I was young, to which I replied no. And she said that yeah, although I'm good now, I would be so much better if I took lessons when I was young. I agreed with her, and expressed my desire for my parents to have put me in dancing lessons when I was young. But she told me somethings along the lines of this: God will anoint you if He wants to use your talents for His kingdom. And I was so encouraged by this. A part of me has been like, "I hope what I'm doing right now is right; that I am prioritizing SoW and serving there on top of all my other responsibilities." But I feel like what she said kind of answers my doubt. I'm teaching at SoW and I get to go to SoW every week cause God wants to use me there. I've been feeling so at home at SoW these past few weeks. It's sad to think this way, but I think I feel more comfortable at SoW than at church. It's really hard at church. I talk to the people at SoW way more than I talk to church people. At church I feel like I'm forcing myself to be intentional with everyone; to try and get to know these people that I've known for such a long time on a deeper level. I just feel like I've lost a lot of my joy that I have had at church. It's just not the same anymore. I'm worried. Because I shouldn't be having this mindset. But honestly, I don't feel like I'm in what should be a family-like community when I come to Canaan. I forgot what I was talking about.
We are of one body: Jesus Christ. Hmm...what should I do. I just don't feel that way at church. I don't think our body is functioning at all...haha. Yeah, maybe I screwed up somewhere. I should have been taking care of people. I have like no relationship whatsoever with the kids. I've been too selfish. But when I think about it right now, I get immensely tired. I feel like church is a battleground for me right now. David is making me extremely miserable. Whenever he gives me his attitude (so all the time now), I just want to pack my bags and go home. It's unbearable because he treats so many people like normal and then there's me, and I guess Phoebe and Megan who get treated like trash...No. I need to stop this. I'm being selfish again. I need to be patient with David. I'm not going to ignore him like the others. I'm his small group leader for Christ's sake. I need to be patient and just take it. But then... church is still a battleground. i guess being a staff is hard. it's pretty lonely. It's pretty annoying. But if it's for the glory of God, I will do it. And hopefully God will change my mindset. God, please toughen me up. Please give me discipline.
This is just a thought, but the tongue is indeed the most dangerous weapon in the world. It has the power to build or destroy. I've realized this week that I've been bragging so much about stupid things. Unknowingly, I just subtly brag a lot. And it shocked me this week. I really need to be careful about the things I say. It can really stumble people. I'm disgusted at my own sin. It's really disgusting. And shameful. Cleanse me, O God.
Prayer Requests: Discipline, David, Academics, Willingness, Patience, Intentionality.
2.28.15
1:39 AM. I got a little bit of studying done today!!! ...but I spent 3 hours dying my friend's hair... -_-
But Progress is Progress! Pilgrim's Progress!
I can't wait till I graduate college. I've been thinking about the future lately, and I've decided that in Communication I want to specialize in PR and human resources. I also want to specialize in International Relations and Entertainment and Media industry. I've also signed up for the Dance Major audition this September. Esther teacher made me the official Assistant Choreographer of SoW (she is the main), and she's told me her vision for the group. Eventually, she wants to make branches, and the first will be in LA. But if that happens, I'll probably either be sent there or take charge of La Habra and have to up my game because SoW will be pretty widely known. Either way, she's encouraged me to keep on learning dance and taking dance classes, so my dances will be innovative and so that I can get better and better as well. Dancing is timeless; dance is innovative. It can only get better and better. There is always something to improve, and always something to invent. And I've always aspired to me something like an underground dancer. A back dancer of Beyonce. Or a choreographer on freelance. Either way, when I become successful in the future I want to own my own dance studio. Back to the point, with a double major in Communication and Dance, I want to help my sister begin her brand and I want to work alongside her, because I love fashion and I love the high profile/entertainment/fashion industry. And as her brand develops, I will probably be one of the people on top, and then make some money and provide for my mother. Then when we become comfortable, I want to open a dance studio. I would choreograph for freelance alongside doing SoW. I want to be committed to SoW while I do my fashion work. And then when I'm really successful, I also want to open a diner called Benny's Diner. When I was young, I really wanted to be chef so I put on an apron and made a simple menu on a small clipboard and took orders from my family. I'd cook for them and stuff. And I called it Benny's Diner for some odd reason. One day in the future, I got a gift doll, and coincidentally it was called Benny. I still have it in my room, and one day I'm going to own a very cute diner and name it Benny's Diner. And it will become my favorite restaurant because right now Denny's is my favorite restaurant. I hope I can make my mom happy. I wonder if I'll still be at Canaan.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 11
It's so weird how Paul talks about head coverings, but he does so to demonstrate the relationship between man and woman. The man is the head of the woman, Christ is the head of the man, and God is the head of Christ. So we are all interconnected. But it's also interesting how Paul says it's disgraceful for wives to have no head covering; to be bald. And it is also improper for wives to have short hair. Well, good thing I'm not a wife! But I always imagined myself as a mother with long, black hair. Looks like I have to stop dying my hair! Anyways, Paul says that our hair is given to us so we should use it as a covering. We meaning girls. But I think Paul is implying something deeper. He says that even nature tells men that having long hair is improper. And he encourages women to have long hair. I think he is reinforcing the roles of the genders. For he also says that woman was made for man. And that woman was made from man, but men are now born from women. By talking about head coverings, he is also implying that women should be married to men and vice versa. And by talking about men not having long hair, he is reinforcing that men should be manly, and not like females. Manly also implying that they should marry women.
Paul is appalled when he hears that at the Lord's supper, people are just eating as if it is their own meal, and they do not care whether the poor go hungry or not. Honestly, that is so true with our church. My mom always tells me this, but our church is very older generation, and most of the people are concerned with their own faiths and there is not much genuine accountability and fellowship. Sure, many of our church members are faithful, but are they really participating in the breaking of bread with each other? I also agree with my mom. i don't think even our head pastor checks in with people, lest his own elders, about how their spiritual lives are. Look at the deacon voting. What kind of church allows its own members to vote for deacons? That is why so many people left. Deacons should be chosen according to faithfulness and commitment to church, and it should be discussed among a few people; such as the elders and the head pastor. What kind of voting by members allows for a fair choosing of deacons? It's just a popularity contest, deemed to make the unpopular leave! Our church is both too proud and rich. Almost every member lives in the rich areas of Fullerton, Cerritos, and the surrounding areas. But are the less wealthy in our church humble enough to say they are, or that they need help? No, Koreans are too prideful. And I'm not being a hypocrite, I'm the most prideful. But that is one of the main reasons are church is not growing. We have too much pride. We need to be seriously humbled.
"Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. -Verse 27. Here Paul is not talking about food. When he talks about the bread or the cup of the Lord, he is talking about God's will. When we partake in serving God, and we do so in an unworthy manner; which can be either pride, greed, laziness, or unwillingness, we are going about in the wrong way and spoiling the rest of the body of Christ. "For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself." -Verse 29. This could be both ways; the person will judge themselves due to their knowledge of them being improper, or the people will judge that person because of their improper ways.
Long post today! Same prayer requests. I hope I get more studying done tomorrow! (not rally cause of class and KCM sigh)
2.25.15
12:48 AM. Let me do my time management chart first.
Yeah this time management chart is pretty depressing. Tomorrow I really need to work my a off and study. I have small group in the middle of the day but other than that I NEED TO STUDY
All of my time management chart is filled with...leisure
Ugh...I really have no patience these days. Is it because I'm gaming too much? Today some guy told us to move towards the back of the bus with attitude so I said out loud behind his back "attitude..." and then he turned around and apologized for being an a hole yet explained why he had to be one. I really have no patience these days! It's so bad! Where is my forgiving side?
Today was the first day I fell solidly off my penny board. I thought I could make a crack but I was too cocky. The penny board went shooting backwards and I fell all the way on the ground; the only thing that didn't touch the ground was my face... I was so shocked that I sat for 2 seconds then jumped off the ground. My body feels like I got beat up right now haha, I have a huge bruise on my knee and the bone is like popping out... O.o not to mention my Hep A shot is making my whole left arm feel bruised... it was fun.
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 10
Agh...the title punches me in the face. "Warning Against Idolatry." But Paul says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." -Verse 13. I hope so. I am so bad right now. I am severely addicted to Sims...COMM 1 is my pre-major course and i NEED it but I'm wasting my time!!! What is wrong with me!!! God, please provide for me the means to escape, I'm falling... Paul says that the disobedience of the Jews under Moses was recorded so that it may remind us not to be like them. I'm on the same level as the Jews who were worshipping the golden calf!
We cannot drink both the Lord's cup and the cup of idolatry. It's interesting that Paul says we are simply trying to provoke God's jealousy, as if we think that we are stronger than Him. I am not stronger than you Lord, I am so weak...that is why I am stumbling...help me...
"Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." -Verse 24. This verse goes hand in hand with the verse from before about stumbling a brother. Paul tells us to go about our ways with a conscience; but not our conscience. He is telling us to live with the Lord's conscience. Knowing what to eat and what not to eat, and which actions will benefit our neighbor which won't.
"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." -Verse 31. I love this verse! I just need to live it out!
Prayer Requests: Same, discipline, discipline, discipline, recognizing my sins, repentance, patience, love.
2.24.15
Whenever, I think about my mom in a happy or positive light, I always start tearing up. Maybe it's associated with the fact that my mom suffered most of my life. The moments that my mom was genuinely happy was rare. She went through so many hardships, and she still does.
As I prepared to take a nap today, I began fixing my blanket because the blanket sheet is a little too big for the actual blanket inside. But then I thought about how comfortable this blanket is. Then I was overwhelmed by gratitude for my family. My father was always very careful with spending; he almost never spent money on himself other than food. And food; he only bought the cheapest he could find. He was driven by the desire to allow for the maximum amount of money available to be spent on us, his children. He even was stingy on my mom buying clothes; which my mom always jokes around with me till this day. Even when he bought things he needed, he only bought the most cheap, efficient version he could find. My mom on the other hand has always been sacrificial for my family ever since I could remember. Everything that she thought would be better for us instead of her, she gave it to us; her children. I remember one time she finally sought out to buy some new shoes for herself because she really needed a new pair. However, me, being only like 6th grade at the time, was so greedy, that I wanted these certain shoes. She relented, and I went home that day with a new pair instead of her. I only wore those shoes out once in my life. How greedy have I been... How undeserving, unnoticingly have I grown up. She has always been that mother who refused to eat the good food so we her children could eat all of it. Both my mom and my father were the sort of people who couldn't easily say no; especially when they were stricken with the lifelong wish of being able to give more than what they were limited to, to us. They were always sorry that they couldn't give us more.
If only I could have graduated college and gotten a job and provided everything for my parents. If only I instead was the oldest child, who clearly would have been able to do all that before my father passed. Why oh why, did they not notice this? Why oh why were they so ungrateful? I would have done it God, I would have done it...
Yet they still don't recognize this.
When I meet my father, who will be my brother in Christ in heaven, I will tell him, that the 13 years of my life I spent in that tiny apartment, with my mom, my sister and I in one room, and my brother and my father in the other, those 13 years were the happiest years of my life.
And for now, I will work diligently, so that I can pay my mother back, a thousand times over. That is my dream.
2.24.15
12:14 AM. I wasted so much time today! Ugh! I played so much Sims...man can't help it, the game is just too fun...
but I still got to spend time with people, so it wasn't that bad of a day!
I really have to pray for discipline...
I have to do a Time Management Chart this week. Hopefully it isn't too bad and I'm not too ashamed of myself...
For dinner today I ate 3 small pizza slices, 1 bowl of garlic pasta, 3 slices of apricot...dude I'm so fat. But dang...I was SOO full. I don't like seeing things incomplete so I had to do it!
My friend Michelle is SOO distracting...I was trying to copy my friend's lecture notes but Michelle kept making me dance with her or watch these funny videos...sigh my self-control is lacking
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Devotional/Thoughts on 1 Corinthians 9
Paul talks about basically how apostles are sometimes treated as people with no rights. The hardships of people like monks today, who live off begging. He justifies that apostles should be able to live off their sown seeds. In other words, their living is spreading the gospel and they should be fed by those who have been changed by him. I think that it's a pretty important fact, that goes under appreciated many times. Even for me, this is a pretty good reminder. The greatness of the gospel is that it is powerful yet free. Grace is free. But many apostles; pastors and ministers; they don't really get paid a lot for the greatness of what they do. I would know very well too. My father wasn't even a head pastor of any church; we had to live off a portion of our organization. It really was barely anything; my mom had to be the breadwinner for our family. So it's pretty hard for pastor's families. Now if you are indeed a head pastor of a church, you have many benefits like Timothy's family. But it should be that way because samonims are expected to not work. But for our family, my mother had to suffer...Anyways. Yet those the North Korean children who were fed everyday never paid my father or our contributors back. So where does a pastor get paid? And that's why Paul says, "But I have made no use of any of these rights, nor am I writing these things to secure any such provision. For I would rather die that have anyone deprive me of my ground for boasting." -Verse 15. It's interesting because my small group leader today told us that it is not boasting to share about our talents or our gifts. Because having humility is identifying yourself for who you are.
"For if I preach the gospel, that gives me no ground for boasting. For necessity is laid upon me. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!" -Verse 16. We need to preach the gospel!
Paul explains how he has accommodated himself to the needs/circumstances of others so that he may win their hearts to the Lord. "I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some." -Verse 22. "I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings." -Verse 23. The gospel that urges us to evangelize also gives blessings to those who do; the same gospel gives blessings to the ones who are changed unto the Lord. How wonderful is it to share in the blessings with a seed you have sown? The gospel only gets better.
"But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." -Verse 27. I really need this, I'm such a hypocrite. I encourage others to be more like Christ but I myself stumble them.
Prayer Requests: the same as yesterday. But I really need discipline. I really need to get on top of my academics. Hopefully today (Tuesday) I go to all my classes and get my work done.
2.23.15