BAD BOY BLUES

puck . 17. single. don't look too hard, you might hurt yourself. i'm known to give the color red the blues.

[quckerman-blog1]

hey guys! sorry for the lack of activity. my work week has been hectic as hell. regularly scheduled posting will be back after tomorrow afternoon (5/11) thanks for being patient!

[quckerman-blog1]

iMESSAGE 📲 AUCK

PUCK: wut would u rate this?

PUCK: askin 4 a friend

PUCK: -- Attached is a nude photo taken in Puck's bathroom mirror. A life size sock monkey is propped up on the counter beside him, one of its hands resting casually upon Puck's flaccid dick.

AUD: hot 10/10

AUD: leave Mr. Jangles out of this dude

AUD: the dick is hot enough

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beauspearce:

PRIVATE:

Oh my god. Well, what the actual fuck? What kind of Freaky Friday bullshit is this? Also, Jacob, really? I mean, good guess I guess. Seven out of ten on an attempt. I’ll give you that at least.

Does that mean that Audrey is you?

PRIVATE:

I don’t know man. I was playing Doritos Basketball in bed like I always do before I go to sleep, and when I woke up I was wearing a skimpy tank and on boob alert. Hey, Jacob is a common name -- just as stupid as Elliot, dude.

Honestly, bro, I don’t even know. I’ve just been hittin on chicks and spending all of Aud’s money. I’m pretty much out now and I’m locked out of her bank account for trying to guess her pin too many times. I’ve just been spelling words out in numbers. I tried L-E-Z-Z, B-O-O-B, and C-L-I-T. I’m all out of ideas. I don’t want to leave ‘cos I might not be able to find my way back.

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thebestweston:

I keep a rigorous schedule on purpose, you should try it sometime. It’s actually great for your body to keep it as busy as I do, especially at this age. It will help me when I’m middle-aged. I highly recommend it, Audrey. 

That’s rude. I’m asking a simple question, if you don’t know that’s fine. However, there was no need for the rude comment. If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it at all. 

You’re gonna have weak knees and a weak spine, and you already remind me of a forty year old woman, so points for that I guess. It’s Aud. Like the car.

I was being serious, bean sprout. Textbooks belong in the dumpster anyway.

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beauspearce:

PRIVATE:

You mean Elliot? This is so fucking bizarre and isn’t a good joke, Aud. Fine, I’ll play. Whatever. If you really are Puck, then what’s the last thing that we talked about?

PRIVATE:

Yeah! The one with the dude’s name. I was gonna say Jacob or some shit. It ain’t a joke man!

Okay, okay. The last thing we talked about how was if Kirby can really suck anything up into him and turn into that thing, if he sucked a dick, would he turn into a cock ‘n’ balls or the person of said cock ‘n’ balls.

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thebestweston:

Happy Monday! Starting a new week is always exciting for me. However, I would like to clear up a little misunderstanding. Being me is exhausting. I’m in six clubs, I don’t know how I do it. I have to take such great care of my vocal chords. I participate in all of my classes. Yet today I woke up tired. Me? Tired? There must be something off but I cannot quite put my finger on it. I’m so tired I don’t even know where my locker is. If anyone is my locker neighbor, I’d be quite thankful if you’d let me know where my locker is. 

I got tired just reading this. All my lady-juices just dried up like the Sahara and my brain cells just died thinking about not only going to school but trying to go to 6 clubs too.

I think maybe your locker is in the dumpster, Gremlin. I hear people talk about wanting to put you in there all of the time anyway.

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beauspearce:

PRIVATE:

Uh, WHAT? Did you smoke some high grade weed or WHAT, Aud?

PRIVATE: 

No man, I friggin’ wish though. Aud has this girl who’s all butthurt about me wanting my nips twisted and shit and she gives me a major headache and weirdly enough, a lady boner. It’s really me, man. Ask me a question only Puckzilla would know.

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beauspearce:

Get more inventive with it and maybe then it wouldn’t be so lame. I’d be more impressed with something imaginative, report back to me when you come up with something better and I can judge whether or not it’s lame. Scrunchies? That trend is back? Gross. It’d be a lot more fun if you did it on your lower back, but that’s just me. You’re the one who wants the Lesbian message to reach all those you can touch, who are female that is.

Uh, okay? What’s going on?

Lesbians have been around for ages, man. The lines are all dried up -- just like me if I have to think about doing it with a dude. I don’t know; I can’t even put it in a pony tail without his stupid ass bump thing on top, so scrunchies are out and bandanas are back in, baby.

It’s me, Beau-little. It’s Puck. Puckeronni. Puckster. Puckmeister. I’ve got tits and a vag now.

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elliotjabrams:

Since I’m the only one who should be “grabbing your tits”. And it’s not… I’m not Kenzie. 

And clearly you’re not Audrey. So who are you?

Well who am I to say no to such confidence.

Hey, shut up man. You’re gonna ruin this for me. I sound just like Porter. Who are you?

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audporter:

Keep it in your hotpants and don’t put yourself down, Foxxxy. I’m resident boob connoisseur round these parts and accordin to my specialty guesstimations, you and and our Lady Prez are rockin at least a D. Maybe doubles on a good day. Maybe triples if you don’t lay off the guac and queso, but you know I love me a fat bottomed bitch. How much did you blow on bean burritos? 

Well, resident boob connoisseur, I’m local Female Body Inspector, and I’m gonna have to revoke your title because your booby radar is definitely off. Ain’t no way these are double d’s -- and there’s definitely nothing wrong with heaping helpings of those avocados. I read online that they’re good for you, and added with some yummy melted cheese and black beans they’re a force to be reckoned with. 

Enough to not have any cash that I could find in my bedroom, purse, or wallet thingy. I bought red bull and gatorade with my last ten. Now I’m kind of regretting it though because I can’t find my smokes.

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beauspearce:

I would think you would have better material than just claiming you don’t know your own cup size, Audrey. That’s just lazy work. I’m disappointed in you. I also would think that the USA might burst into flames, more so than it currently is with our Cheeto sized and colored president, if you became the leader of this country. 

I don’t trust you with my money. You might go buy another DIY perm kit.

What do you want me to go with? I think I might have a lump and I need you to check for me? They’re all lame, John Travolta. Someone has to push this country into the new age of Lesbianese, and it might as well be me. You’re right, I can’t be trusted with your money. I’d buy scrunchies and panties from Rue 21 or some shit. Maybe instead I should get a tattoo of the tongue and scissors emojis over my cleavage line. Think that would get the message across?

B. Listen, bro. I need to tell you something and I need you not to let your dick fall off, okay? Just be chill for a minute.

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elliotjabrams:

No, no. No need for other girls. That’s a definite no-go. Not if I have anything to say about it. No. 

I don’t know if I should be questioning whether or not you’re actually Audrey but for the sake of my jealousy problems I really hope it isn’t. 

...Since when do you get a say in whether or not I let other chicks grab my tits, St. James?

Unless... you want to. In which case, let me put on my Bob Barker voice and just say, “come on doooown!” The reason I’ve always got a stick up my butt is because I don’t get enough action on the regs -- so, duh I’m Aud. Only asshats and my mom call me Audrey.

[quckerman-blog1]

I can’t tell if I’m a B cup or a C -- I need some hot, sexy, smooth lady hands to come and measure them for me. I’m basically a walking Hillary Clinton at this point, so you might as well do my inseam too. I want to make sure my future pantsuits fit correctly.

I know it might be overkill for my hot beach bod to have Chipotle and Taco Bell for the 3rd time today, but if someone could be a dear and drop some off at my place, I’d be happy to repay you in a blowie since I uh... forgot my pin number for my bank account and I’m officially out of cash.

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audporter:

Yo, losers and lezzies. Puck Fuckerman here to letchu know the numero uno (and only) problema with wearing your footie pajamas to bed’s the full body banana hammock in the AM when Cowboy Woody gets his head in the game. So hmu if you need a friend in you. I’m lean, I’m mean, and I own all three Toy Storys on Blu-Ray. 

Well, hot stuff. I’m definitely interested in... whatever all that shit was. Where can I meat you? 

I’m only interested because I happen to know your ‘Cowboy Woody’ is plus-sized. I think you could be the man of my lesbo dreams.

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iMESSAGES 📲 SPENCREY

SPENCER: Wanna know what I love about this warm weather? Shorts. Gotta show off these nice legs, ja feel?

SPENCER: Also, I totally took a bath this morning and now I feel pretty.

SPENCER: I’ve had lots of coffee today, so if I seem a little hyper, that’s probably why. No other reason. Nope.

SPENCER: Also, remember when I said Gabe’s a snack? Goddamn, is he a snack. Snacc? Who cares.

SPENCER: Yup. Gabe’s a hottie. Mhm.

AUD: gross. not the sexy lady legs but the gabe part. not into dudes. i’m only here for that sexy lady vagina

AUD: too much?

AUD: where are you wearing these shorts and getting this yummy coffee? i found a $10 in my jacket pocket and i’m excited to spend money i didn’t earn

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TEXT 📲 AUDRELLIOT ?

AUD: hey babe i think we’re at that point in our relationship where i can safelly ask...

AUD: send nudes?

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- swap au replies start now!