Queer Films

Reviews of Queer films throughout history. Currently watching and reviewing every GLBT Film at Scarecrow Video in Seattle, Washington.

[queerfilms]

Training Rules

Training Rules Directors: Dee Mosbacher, Fawn Yacker (2009)

I was very emotionally moved by this film. It takes on the world of homophobia in sports, specifically in women's basketball at Penn State. 

We all heard about the creepy sex abuse scandal at Penn State a few years ago that all the powers that be covered up. On the sidelines of that, a woman named Rene Portland was being a total fucking creepy bigoted bitch of a women's basketball coach for 27 years. She cut anyone from the team who was suspected of being a lesbian or talking to lesbians or being a lesbian sympathizer. What a crazy horrible monster. Then after they were cut from the team, the players would lose their scholarships and not be able to play basketball anywhere else because Rene Portland would fuck with their school and health records. WHAT THE FUCK?

Training Rules made me want to literally find Rene Portland and punch her in the face after I mailed her a bunch of hella mean letters that were like, you're a horrible bitch. I don’t use the word Bitch very often, but I really feel it it accurate in describing this person and their actions. 

This film is pretty great. Check it out if you want to light a fire under your ass. 

Also, like look at Rene Portland. She’s a fucking lesbian for sure! 

[queerfilms]

Girl King

Girl King Director and Writer: Ileana Pietrobruno (2002)

Let me start by saying, this trailer does not do the movie justice. This trailer makes this film look not very good, when actually, it’s kinda good. It’s got a hint of Guy Maddin in it, which is not unexpected because Girl King is a Canadian Film from the early 00′s. Now whether Guy Maddin has defined Canadian Cinema or Canadian Cinema has defined Guy Maddin, that is its own question. 

Girl King uses found footage, clips from a classic Pirates film and modern actors who are attractive people. You know how sometimes you watch an independent movie, and the people are just like, not well filmed so they don’t look hot. Like, they could be really hot in real life, but it doesn’t come across in the movie. This is not the case in Girl King. These are some handsome babe pirates. I don’t want to sound shallow. It’s just fact. 

Here are some questions I have: 

1. Where did they get access to a massive pirate ship that actually sails upon the ocean?

2. The Film Board of Canada paid for this!?

3. Why does the USA suck so bad in comparison to Canada? I mean, the government and peoples taxes paid for part of this homosexual queer pirate film. 

4. Where did they get those giant leather dildos? Did the Film Board of Canada have those in a props drawer?

If you are interested in independent Queer Experimental Contemporary Cinema, this is a great film to watch. Whether they know it or not, the filmmakers channeled a little bit of Barbara Hammer for Girl King. 

See also: Malaqueerche, the Olympia, Washington Punk version of this film. 

[queerfilms]

Trained in the Ways of Men

Trained in the Ways of Men Director: Michelle Prévost (2007)

This movie is real fucking bummer. It’s about the murder of a Trans woman in California and it focuses on the trial and the laws around Trans Murder. Like I said, it’s a real fucking bummer. I think if you are studying law, you should watch this film. 

[queerfilms]

Drool

Drool Director: Nancy Kissam Writer: Nancy Kissam (2006)

Drool stars Laura Harring from Mulholland Drive. The acting in this film is pretty excellent and for the most part I think they did a great job making this film, but unfortunately they decided to use the N word in the dialogue to show that the dad and the kid are super racist. I was hoping that the director and writer were people of color and that that particular part of the script was coming from a place where people of color are in charge, but unfortunately it’s not the case and as much as I want to enjoy and recommend this film, that choice to perpetuate white people’s use of the N word fucking bummed me out. It felt really unnecessary. Like, yeah I get it, the dad is a piece of shit and he taught his song to be a piece of shit too. So yeah, Fucking Bad Choice in my opinion. 

[queerfilms]

The Owls

The Owls Director: Cheryl Dunye Writers: Cheryl Dunye, Sarah Schulman (2010)

This movie is LA Lesbian Bed Death meets Aging Rockers, The Butchies, at a dinner party. If anyone but Cheryl Dunye had directed this, it would have been fucking awful. But it was weird and experimental and pretty cool. 

The SoCal lesbian world has such a strong vibe to it. There is nothing else in the world that looks anything like it. In case you don’t know, OWLs stands for Older Wiser Lesbians. 

I really like Cheryl Dunye’s work. I hope someday I can meet her and say “thank you for being groundbreaking filmmaker.”

[queerfilms]

A Marine Story

A Marine Story Director: Ned Farr Writer: Ned Farr (2010)

This film is a real weird film. It’s a document of an era of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in the military, which I am sure caused problems for many individuals who are gay and like to be in the military. 

And this movie has character that is a troubled teen and she gets busted for stealing and her options are go to jail or go to the army. It’s pretty raw. Like, WTF? 

But really what it comes down to for me is, WHY THE FUCK WOULD A GAY PERSON WANT TO BE IN THE USA MILITARY?  

So i had some bias when I watched this film. That said, the main character is smoking hot, totally ripped and a babeathon. But the military shit is weird. 

[queerfilms]

Big Eden

Big Eden Director: Thomas Bezucha Writer: Thomas Bezucha (2000)

The star of this film is Arye Gross. He is a famous actor who was in Ellen, Gone in 60 Seconds and Minority Report (god just typing Minority Report makes me want to watch that movie right now, it was not even that good, there is just something about it, right?). 

He plays a NYC big city famous painter. He makes some pretty gnarly paintings in this film, so at least they got that super realistic bad art going on. 

The person who wrote this film is defiantly a fan of Tom Spanbaur’s writing. This is basically a watered down Tom Spanbaur book. I thought it was pretty enjoyable for a super mainstream kind of RomCom. This is a good film to watch with your parents. Some Northern Exposure meets Ellen vibes. 

It’s on netflix right now, so feel free to just press play. 

[queerfilms]

Raising Heroes

Raising Heroes Director: Douglas Langway 1996

The director Douglas Langway is to blame for all of the Bear City films. God those movies are really bad. But Raising Heroes is cool. It’s shot on film, which I'm a big fan of. I rented this movie because the tagline was, THIS TIME, THE GAYS HAVE THE GUNS. It also called itself, THE FIRST GAY ACTION FILM. I was skeptical, but it actually turned out to be a pretty dynamic, experimental film. There are gangsters and guns and weird out of town motels with hot tubs. 

I found myself pleased as punch when indeed the gay did have the guns and turned the tables on the straight people trying to fuck with them.  This movie is not good enough to forgive the sins of Bear City 1, 2, and 3. But it’s a start. If only Douglas Langway could get back to his experimental roots and give the community The World’s Second Gay Action Film. 

[queerfilms]

Defying Gravity

Defying Gravity Director: John Keitel Writer: John Keitel (1997)

There are certainly worse college gay films.  Watch this movie if you want to see your basic frat guy scenarios, a gay bashing and some vaguely hot white dudes make out. It’s a real 90′s film. And that can be good or bad. 

Remember this guy from Legally Blonde? He's one of the main stars of this film and it was the first film he is credited in. Really jumpstarted his career. The other main guy, he did nothing after it.  

[queerfilms]

Butch Jamie 2007

Director: Michelle Ehlen Writer: Michelle Ehlen Stars: Michelle Ehlen

That should say it all. This fucking movie. God I wanted this movie to rule. But holy fuck. the late 2000′s were a ROUGH TIME for film. Like, you are thinking, were here, we made it past Y2K. And now this! 

This alternate cover is pretty amazing. They should have gone with this one. Just really let the freak flag fly. There is some serious lesbian cat time in this film. The cat is an actor in the commercials and has it’s own Hollywood Cat Reel. So much talking to a cat. I had heavy flashbacks to the time i dated someone and I knew it was time to break up when she talked to the cat, in that high pitched voice people talk to babies with, more than she talked to me. 

The director also made several more films with the character Butch Jamie. The film I'm looking forward to the most is called HETEROSEXUAL JILL.  And her film S & M Sally is supposed to be out in 2015. Looking forward to really getting to understand the character. 

[queerfilms]

Tan Lines Director and Writer: Ed Aldridge  (2007)

I love this movie. There is a dance party scene where everyone is wearing their own walkman and listening to their own music while dancing with each other! I want to have that party. Surfers, shirtless dudes, shitty parents, Australian accents. This movie is punk and cool. The soundtrack was made by some defect band called Mares and I wish i could get this soundtrack on cd. I won't give away too much of this film. Check it out today. 

[queerfilms]

Concussion Director: Stacie Passon Writer: Stacie Passon (2013)

This movie is about Lesbian Bed Death, a very serious condition in the community. It’s about how having children ruins your life. And it’s about being married to a lawyer. Then, one day, your kid hits you in the face with a ball and you realize your life FUCKING SUCKS and that couples dinner parties are fucking boring and then you say you need air, that you can’t breathe in this house. 

So you get this place in the city, away from your wife and kids and you become a sex worker. You are an older lesbian fucking college students who feel unwanted. You fuck other moms from the PTA. You fuck and you fuck. Until one day your fridged wife finds out, and remains fridged. But together you decide to build a wrap around porch on your house. 

The first half was almost intolerable to me. Eww marriage, Ewww children, Eww hetero lesbians. But it almost redeems itself in the second half with a ton of fucking. And some of it is hot. The women are babes in this film. And, it co-stars Josh’s assistant from West Wing! Ladies, am I right? Janel Moloney, she was great in West Wing and I like her in this lesbian bed death homage. 

[queerfilms]

Breaking the Surface Director: Steven Hilliard Stern (1997) TV Movie

God Damn, this is like the best episode ever of Saved By the Bell. Mario Lopez is so so hot. He’s gay right? Oh yeah, I forgot that he was the Grand Marshall of the Miami Gay Pride when I went there in 2015. He’s totally got to be gay. He is also so hot. OMG. BUT, online it says he’s married to a broadway dancer named Courtney Mazza. Whatever, he is so hot. 

OK, well, I met Greg Louganis at the Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film festival in 2014 when his new documentary premiered. I learned quite a bit about him from that doc, and now when I watch this great made for TV film, I really am amazed at how much info they shared in 1997. Greg wrote the film, so it’s accurate, which is cool. They cut to old actual footage of his dives when they show them in Breaking the Surface, so Mario Lopez doesn't have to learn fancy cool shit. He just gets to look pretty and strut around in a speedo. 

This film is great, just rent it. I cried during it.  You have been warned. 

[queerfilms]

Vickie Shaw: You can take the girl outta Texas Director: Andrea Meyerson (2008)

Well, it is fun to watch someone that is not Kate Clinton do lesbian Stand-up comedy.  I know that doing comedy is really a challenging art form. But I just can’t help but feel that Vickie Shaw was underprepared for this show. And she kept saying, I’m gonna tell you the truth... I think she says that when she is trying to come up with the next joke or remember the puchline. 

She seems cool though and if you close your eyes she sounds like Roseanne Bar which I thought was kind of impressive. But I didn’t laugh my ass off. I sort of laughed, once in a while. 

The video above is not related to the film I watched, but I thought it was a good representation of what Vicki is into. 

Here is a Real Change salesman told me in Pioneer Square last night: 

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken. 

Ba Dum, Chhhh. 

[queerfilms]

The Deadbeat Club Israel Luna (2004)

The Deadbeat Club needs a fucking editor. That’s a major downfall of this film. Tweens might like this film is they get treated like shit in high school or have to go to church with their parents and have people try to pray the gay away. 

There are a few really really cool things about this film. There is a lot of diversity represented in bodies. A deaf character, a person in a wheelchair and an assortment of folks with other challenges. They are all major player in the film, and I believe that they are actually deaf, actually in a wheelchair etc. So as far as representation, it is a win for indie films. They made good decisions when casting. The music really feels like the early 2000′s. Emotional, soft contemporary rock. 

The Deadbeat Club talks a lot about god and jesus and everyone has an opinion about faith. It’s a rather long film. It feels long. I’m curious to watch the directors other films, including Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives. I’ll let you know how that goes....

[queerfilms]

Pick up the Mic Director: Alex Hinton (2006)

Pick up the Mic is a solid documentary about the growing movement of Homohop (aka queer rap) in America in the 2000′s. It features many great interviews with homosexuals from all over the land including the Deep Dickollective (Deep Dick Collective) from Oakland founded by Juba Kalamka, Katastrophe (Baby Queer Rocco, he’s so tiny in this movie) and Scream Club from Olympia. Those are the performers I was familiar with before I watched the film. 

I can’t believe I didn’t see this movie sooner. I thought I knew a lot about homohop, but I learned about at least 20 new performers I had not heard of before. I want to do a Where are they now type of search on them.... 

One of the best aspects of this film is that through rap and hip-hop the artists discuss many facets of queer identity, from trans passing, outings, bisexuality, or being a white rapper vs being a black rapper and credibility. Intersections of identity are explored in this film about a vibrant community of artists. Highly recommended and I am so glad the document exists. In the beginning of the film, Juba talks about when a person dies, how there is the possibility of being pink washed, or in other terms, it being denied that they were a homosexual. He speaks to the desire for there to be documentation of a queer history. I love that. 

[queerfilms]

Looking for Langston Director: Isaac Julien (1989)

Looking for Langston is a beautiful experimental film. I highly recommend this film to anyone who ever considers making an experimental film. It should be a requirement to watch it before you are ever allowed to use found footage in any manner or make films with poetic voice overs. Issac Julien did it and he did it right. It’s so beautiful. 

He also directed Derek, the film about the late artist Derek Jarman. This director has some fucking class. Rent Looking for Langston today.