cassie the genderqueer cactus

A diary of my life up until now, and my journey through transitioning on HRT

[queeropuntia-blog]

Feeling comfortable in my body

Sitting outside, enjoying the evening, I had the weirdest feeling/realization, I was comfortable in my body. I looked down, felt right and kinda teared up. It’s something I don’t think I’ve felt before.

Before I go on more, a history of how I’ve experienced my body up until recently.

As a kid, I was always overweight and insecure about my body. My grandmother instilled into me this weird shame/embarrassment about genitals and my body, so that made things even worse.

As a tangent, I remember this fucked up dream from my childhood. It’s rare to remember them, but this was just something. I was under 10 in the dream, and I have this birthday party to go to. The party is in my own house, so it shouldn’t be an issue to get ready, but all I have on is a plain, white T-shirt that was too tight and nothing else. Here’s the part where it gets weird, my genitals are missing, and instead I have these red flat bars across my crotch keeping my legs together. I could somehow walk, which doesn’t make sense. My Grandmother comes in upset that I wasn’t ready and just shuffled me out the door. I’m super embarrassed in the dream, but still go along. She ends up pushing me into a room full of my classmates and I wake up. Weird shit, right?

Anyways, I took more after my mom than the rest of my family, so I never felt the bond of feeling like I look like my family. My mother was also always spoken of negatively, and I had major separation issues from her leaving, so the association of my body with her made me more uncomfortable with my body.

Growing up I hated looking at myself in the mirror, it made me uncomfortable and made me want to stop looking. This trait lasted up until recently, actually.

As far back as I can remember, I had bad habits of chewing/picking at my nails to the point of bleeding. My grandmother would just scold me for doing it, which made me feel worse about it. As I grew older, I started picking at my big toe nails to the point of ripping them out completely. It was never felt like I was hurting my body, it was just something I did.

*sidenote* I have gotten much better about my nails this year and only have picked my nails as a nervous subconscious thing.

My legs are a great example of how I interact with my body. Since I was a teen, I had hearty calves from my grandfather’s side. I’ve always enjoyed the utility of them since I could push stuff around and what not. They always felt out of place though, like they were too muscle-y. I just ignored the feeling and got used to it.

Having utility and being surprisingly resilient is the best I could describe my body for the longest time. But tonight it wasn’t just a body, it was my body and it was super comfy. Fuck yea.

[queeropuntia-blog]

My first real life gay experience

I couldn’t think of a good topic to ramble on about, but I was thinking about dick, so let’s talk about that lol.

I need to make another post about my early sexual influences and stuff, but a quick rundown up to this point. I was in my 20′s, confused about pretty much everything sexually and enjoying drinking a bit too much.

Sidenote - as a clarification, when drinking, everything I did was consensual and there is no feelings of being used or manipulated. Shit was fun, no reason to regret it.

So there was this coworkers, who we all were pretty sure he was gay, but he was adamant he wasn’t. Spoiler alert, super gay. It was a small gathering of coworkers getting together at his place and we were watching Star Trek or something nerdy. He had the videos on a flash drive, and when he left the room, we rummaged through the video list. We found some gay porn and put it on as a “joke”. The host got embarrassed, tried to downplay it but I made some comment or indication it was no big deal. This was probably the impetus.

 So sometime later, it’s just him and I hanging out as everyone else was too awkward to come over lol. We are watching videos, I think Battle Star Galactica, and he apologized again for the video last time. I said it wasn’t a big deal, and that I was fine with it. He asked if we wanted to watch it again, and I pretended to be curious but shy. I was honestly curious and had wanted to play around with another guy, so I played into the “scoring a straight dude” angle of it.

We had more drinks, watched some of the video and he started rubbing himself through under his waste band. It was honestly really hot, but I kept playing innocent about it all. He said it was OK if I played with myself, and asked it was OK to take his pants off. I of course said yes, and was damn impressed at what he was packing.

Like, it was honestly majestic. Well maintained hair, smooth skin and like a rock hard baby arm. I kept making side glances to it, and eventually started jerking him off. 

I kept stroking it to his orders, and eventually he came all over my hand and himself. I was too nervous to personally get hard and stay aroused, but damn I enjoyed that cock.

We hooked up a few more times, and I swallowed twice. I wasn’t attracted to him physically, but that dick was something to be admired.

[queeropuntia-blog]

Non-Stealth Transfemme and the Service Industry

Like so many people, I work in a customer facing service industry and sometimes have to interact with customers. I’m normally one of the people in the back, but I go up into the light to help when needed.

So yesterday, this older woman comes in for help and I get her issue resolved. She was with her son, and I noticed her looking over the counter at my skirt and kinda looking me up and down. She seemed curious, so I just kept assisting them with their issues.

After they left, one of my manager came over to let me know the woman was asking if “the person who was helping me” was transgender, and other questions. I’m out to this manager, so it worked out pretty well. I gave her some simple answers to give people if they ask about me and that I’d be happy to talk with coworkers if they had questions. Seeing others out and open about it helped me come out, so I should try and pay it forward.

Anyways, when my room mate coworker got home, I got a fun story about another customer I assisted. They went to the other counter, and said “That thing over there” in reference to me. I was pretty feminine looking in my outfit, and was super happy with how I looked. The employee stood up for me, which is super amazing, and the customer left afterwards.

Like, it’s such a grossly bigoted thing to say about a person, that I wasn’t even mad. I was just impressed at how shitty of a person they were, after I did my best to assist them. It’s like that Dave Chappelle skit where he talks about something so racist, you weren’t even mad. I was chuckling about it through most of the night and this morning as I got even cuter tops and a pink bow hair clip.

It’s wild I got both ends of the spectrum for responses on the same day. I must be doing something right if people are wanting to know more AND are trying to dehumanize me. Good times lol

[queeropuntia-blog]

Happy memories from childhood 01 - Silver King

When I was growing up, my Grandfather owned and operated a fishing resort out in the local wood boonies. My dad, not having gotten himself a real job or anything by then, was living in a 5th wheel on said resort.

As a kid, I would spend weekends out there and enjoyed the beach, the campers who all knew me since I was little and just being out in a wooded area. It was a pretty good size resort, so in the summers there would be a ton of old timers. I would go wandering around in the camp grounds with my dad sometimes, but I don’t really remember that.

There was this really old, bent over tree I used to sit on too. I could watch the waves going in and out, and take a break while scurrying about playing. I would play around in the tall brush on the beach, kicking up rocks to startle sand flees and just be a little menace.

There was this little General Store where my grandfather would sleep and I would hang out to watch TV as a little kid. I used to get free candy and snacks from the store, which was pretty cool for a kid.

Behind the shop was a creek and hills with trees. I would spend good amounts of time just climbing and exploring back there, always making clothes that were clean an absolute mess in the process lol.

My grandfather had some old black dogs, but I was mostly interested in the shop cats that would hang out. I think they were my dads cats, but who knows anymore.

The fishing resort has long been shut down and sold to some private owners, but that’s for another time.

[queeropuntia-blog]

That time I shot a semi-automatic rifle and buried a dog...kinda

Back when I was a pre-pubescent youth, my aunt had an old black lab die, so my uncle was tasked with giving it a respectful burial. I got asked if I wanted to go, and I had nothing better to do, so I went.

My uncle drove around the block and got into his back shed by going in the back gate. I thought it weird, but waited in the truck. He came back with a long styrofoam case, for later he indicated.

So we go up in the woods and find a spot to dig. And be we, I mean I got given the shovel. After a few minutes of digging, I got tired and stopped. My uncle figured the ditch a few feet over was as good as digging a hole, so he chucked the black garbage bag with the dog in the ditch.

At this point, he brought out the black rifle and we shot rounds while he had some beers. It was cool to try something new, but it quickly got old, so we wrapped up.

I had grabbed a single casing as a souvenir, but forgot it in my clothes. Later my grandmother did my laundry and found it. She was not amused in the slightest about my retelling of the story.

[queeropuntia-blog]

“and you can hold my purse” - turns out it’s way funnier to say to my nesting partner than I was expecting.

[amber-sweets]

The Most Comprehensive NSFW Ask Around

Simply pick a category and a number to ask that question. For example, message “masturbation 3 and 5.” On that note, enjoy 500 NSFW asks.

About You

What is the size of your penis/breasts?

Does your penis have a curve?

Are you circumsized?

Have you ever had an STD?

Have you ever been pregnant/gotten someone pregnant?

What type of underwear are you wearing?

What is your favorite type of underwear?

When was your last erection/arousal?

Have you ever had an erection which someone noticed?

Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself?

Explain your ultimate fantasy.

What are your turn-ons?

What are your turn-offs?

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever been turned on by?

Have you sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr (Anonymously or Not)?

Have you sent a nude photo or video to someone?

Did it include sexual acts?

Have you ever posted a picture of image of you in the nude on a website?

Did it include sexual acts?

Have you ever anonymously sent/posted a picture or video of yourself in the nude?

Did it include sexual acts?

If someone you knew asked for a nude image, would you do it? What about a tumblr follower?

What was your latest sex dream about?

Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone?

Was it about anyone other than your lover?

What was the last fantasy about?

Have you ever fantasized about someone older/younger than you? How much older/younger?

Have you ever told any of these people that you fantasize about them?

Do you have a favorite person or few people to fantasize about?

How often do you fantasize about other people?

Have you ever showered with someone?

Have you ever confessed you were aroused by someone?

Are you open about your sex-life and sexuality?

Do you orgasm easily?

Have you ever played “7 minutes in heaven”? Explain the experience.

Have you ever played “spin the bottle”? Explain the experience.

Have you ever played “Truth or dare”? Explain the experience.

Have you ever played strip poker/strip beer pong/etc?

Do you shave your pubic hair?

Have you ever had your pubic hair shaved?

Do you prefer clean shaven or unkept?

What is your favorite type of underwear for the opposite sex?

Do you own any lingerie?

How much lingerie do you own?

Whats your favorite lingerie outfit?

Do you like the way your genitals look?

Are you comfortable naked?

Masturbation

Do you masturbate?

How old were you when you first masturbated?

How often do you masturbate?

When is the last time you masturbated?

Do you masturbate to any stimulus?

What do you think about?

What is the last thing you thought of or masturbated to?

Have you walked in on or caught someone masturbating?

Have someone ever walked in on or caught you masturbating?

Have you ever had cyber sex?

Have you ever had phone sex?

Have you ever had a wet dream?

What is your method of masturbation? (i.e. Hands/Toys/Lotion/etc.)

Are you loud or quiet when you masturbate?

Has anyone ever watched you masturbate live online?

Has anyone ever watched you masturbate in person?

Have you ever masturbated with someone? (Mutual masturbation)

Have you ever watched someone masturbate live online?

Have you ever watched someone masturbate in person?

Have you ever masturbated to someone?

Who do you like to think about when you masturbate?

Have you ever told them you think about them while you masturbate?

Whats your most embarrassing masturbation story?

Whats your funniest masturbation story?

Have you ever used something unique or strange to masturbate?

Is it easy for you to orgasm or do you have to work for it?

Whats the easiest way for you to get off?

Is there only one way you can get off? (i.e. Vaginal/Clitoral/Toy Use)

Does anyone know you masturbate? How did they find out?

Have you masturbated because your partner wasn’t around to help? Where were they?

Have you ever masturbated to a fictional character?

Are you able to achieve orgasm through only non-conventional or indirect methods? (Breast Play/Hands-Free/Anal)

What is the strangest object you’ve used to masturbate vaginally or anally?

Do you ever double penetrate while you masturbate?

Do you ever suck on a dildo while you masturbate?

Do you edge when you masturbate? (Get to the point of orgasm and stop repeatedly to enhance the experience)

What position do you typically masturbate in?

Describe a typical masturbation session.

How often do you usually last?

Whats the quickest you’ve ever been brought to orgasm?

What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had?

What’s the most amount of times you’ve cum in a day?

Relationships

Are you straight/bi/gay/etc?

How many relationships have you been in?

What has been your longest relationship?

How old were you when you had your first relationship?

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?

Have you ever used an online dating site?

What do you look for in a partner?

What do you look for in a hookup?

Have you ever had a one-night-stand?

Have you ever been a booty call?

Have you ever had a booty call?

Who was it?

Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits?

Who was it?

Have you ever cheated on a partner? Explain.

Have you ever been cheated on? Explain.

Would you ever be in an open relationship? Have you?

Porn & Sex Industry

Do you watch porn?

How often do you watch porn?

What is your favorite category?

When is the last time you watched porn and what was it?

How do you feel about hentai (Anime Porn)?

How do you feel about gang-bang porn?

How do you feel about cumshot porn?

How do you feel about lesbian porn?

How do you feel about amateur porn?

How do you feel about cuckold/cuckqueen/swinging porn?

How do you feel about threesome porn?

How do you feel about teen porn?

How do you feel about Japanese/Asian porn?

How do you feel about mature porn?

How do you feel about ebony porn?

How do you feel about bondage porn?

How do you feel about masturbation/solo porn?

How do you feel about rough/violent/humiliating porn?

How do you feel about BBW porn?

How do you feel about orgy/party porn?

How do you feel about trans/shemale porn?

How do you feel about POV porn?

How do you feel about blowjob porn?

How do you feel about bukkake?

How do you feel about extreme porn?

Have you ever tried to recreate a scene?

Have you ever used porn to show a partner what you like/want?

Has a partner ever used porn to show you what they like/want?

Who is your favorite pornstar(s)?

Have you considered getting into porn?

Have you considered being a webcam performer?

Have you watched cam girls?

Do you have a favorite cam girl?

Have you ever watched porn with a partner? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever watched a cam-show with a partner? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever performed in a cam-show with a partner? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever been to a strip club?

Do you frequent strip clubs?

Do you have a favorite strip club?

Do you have a favorite stripper/dancer?

Do you get lap dances or just watch the performances?

Whats your best strip club experience?

Most embarrassing strip club experience?

Funniest strip club experience?

Have you ever orgasmed from a lap dance? Describe the experience(s).

Sex

Are you a virgin?

How old were you when you lost your virginity?

If you haven’t, when would you like to?

Explain your first time in detail.

How many sexual partners have you had?

Who was your best sex partner?

Did you tell someone after you lost your virginity? Who?

Do you give oral sex?

Have you received oral sex?

Do you prefer to give or receive oral sex?

Have you had anal sex? How was your first experience?

Do you have any friends you would hookup with?

Have you wanted to have sex with someone, but couldn’t? Why couldn’t you?

Do you like dirty talking?

Do you like being called names?

Do you like being called obscene names? (Bitch/Slut/Whore/Sissy/etc)

Are you loud or quiet in bed?

Whats your favorite position?

Have you ever invented a position?

Whats the strangest position you’ve tried?

Have you ever been caught or walked in on while fucking?

When is the last time you had sex? Describe the experience(s).

When is the last time you received oral? Describe the experience(s).

When is the last time you gave oral? Describe the experience(s).

When is the last time you had anal sex? Describe the experience(s).

Which celebrities would you want to have sex with?

Any fictional characters you want to hookup with?

Have you ever had shower sex? How was it?

What is your favorite position(s)?

Where is the strangest or wildest place you’ve had sex/oral?

Have you ever broken up with someone because they couldn’t satisfy you?

Have you used anything to improve sexual performance? (Penis Extenders/Tingling Lube/Cock Rings)

Whats your most embarrassing sexual experience?

Whats your funniest sex experience?

Have you ever had any performance issues? What were they?

Are you on birth control?

Do you use condoms?

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Describe the experience(s).

Can other people get you off?

Is there only one way you can cum? (i.e. Clitoral Stimulation Only/Anal Only/Toy/Specific Position)

Have you ever been rejected? Have you ever rejected someone?

Have you ever been stopped mid-sex? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex outdoors? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex in public? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex in front of others? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex in a car? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever given or received road head? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex/oral/manual sex in a movie theater? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex in a fitting room? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex in a plane? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had sex at work? Describe the experience(s).

Explain your best sex experience in detail.

Which non-genital parts of your body do you like being touched or stimulated?

Do you ever take pictures or videos when you have sex? Explain the experience(s).

Have you ever given a strip tease to a partner?

Have you ever given a lap dance to a partner?

Have you ever received a strip tease from a partner?

Have you ever received a lap dance from a partner?

Have you ever “titty-fucked” before?

Has someone ever “titty-fucked” your breasts?

Do you prefer your partner to be vocal/moan loudly?

Do you enjoy having your nipples played with?

Do you ever role-play?

What situations or themes have you role-played?

What would you like to role-play?

Do you role play with costumes?

Do prefer lingerie in the bedroom?

Do you enjoy rough sex?

What would you like to improve about your sex life?

Have you ever gone into public with hickeys? Did you know they were there?

Have you ever had a threesome? Describe the experience.

Would you like to have a threesome?

Who would you like to have a threesome with?

Would your partner be okay with a threesome?

Would you like to be with two men at the same time?

Would you like to be with to girls at the same time?

Would you like to be with more than two girls at the same time?

Would you like to be with more than two guys at the same time?

Have you ever been double penetrated? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had every hole filled or been involved with filling each hole? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever tried ’69’? Explain the experience.

Do you like cum or is it gross?

Have you ever tasted cum? Do you like it?

Where is your favorite place to cum or receive cum?

Have you ever had sex while on a period/with someone on a period?

Do you listen to music while you have sex? What kind?

Have you ever used a buttplug while having sex?

Have you used any form of sex furniture? What kind?

Have you ever brought toys into the bedroom with a partner? What kind? Describe the experience(s).

Do you eat ass?

Do you like to have your ass eaten?

Have you ever anally fingered your partner?

Do you like prostate play?

Is it gay for a man to enjoy anal stimulation from a woman?

Have you ever experienced a prostate orgasm?

Have you ever double penetrated/been double penetrated with the assistance of a toy?

Have you ever experimented with the same sex? Describe the experience(s).

Do you prefer sex with a man or with a woman?

Have you ever had sex with another couple(s) monogamously? (Not touching the other couple(s))

Have you ever watched another couple have sex?

Have you ever gotten cum in your eye?

Has anyone ever cum inside you on accident? How did you feel about that?

Have you ever cum inside someone on accident? How did they respond?

Have you ever cum in your pants? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever sexted?

Do you like to play with balls/have your balls played with?

Are hand jobs boring or are they underrated?

Describe your average orgasm.

Describe your average cumshot.

Whats the quickest you’ve ever been brought to orgasm?

Whats the quickest you’ve ever brought someone else to orgasm?

How long are you usually able to last?

What’s the most times you’ve had sex (or sexual contact with a partner) in a day?

Whats your longest sex session?

Toys

Have you ever bought a sex toy?

What is the last sex toy you bought?

What sex toy do you currently want?

Would you let someone buy you a sex toy?

How many toys do you own?

What kind of toys do you own?

What is your favorite toy?

Have you ever used a washer/dryer as a sex toy?

Have you ever used a shower head as a sex toy?

Have you ever used a pocket pussy or Fleshlight?

Have you ever improvised a sex toy? (Cucumber/Banana/Etc.)

What is the strangest sex toy you’ve ever used?

What is the strangest improvised sex toy you’ve ever used?

Do you prefer sex toys or the real thing?

Do you own any buttplugs?

Do you ever wear a buttplug in public?

Do you have any vibrating panties?

Do you ever wear vibrating panties in public?

Do you like nipple clamps?

Fetishes

What fetishes do you have?

What is your favorite fetish?

Have you indulged in all your fetishes?

What fetishes are you yet to experience?

Are there any fetishes you don’t have yet, but may be interested in?

Have you experienced BDSM? Do you practice it?

Are you a top/dominant a bottom/submissive or a switch?

What is it about BDSM that you like?

Have you experienced being tied up or restrained? Describe the experience.

Have you experienced rope play? Describe the experience.

Do you enjoy long, extended teasing/edging sessions?

What is the longest you’ve been teased/edged?

Do you enjoy tease and denial?

Do you like to be denied?

Do you have a panty fetish?

Have you ever purchased panties from a woman online?

Have you ever used panties to masturbate? (Stuffing/Wrapping/Etc.)

Do you have a hosiery fetish?

Do you like pain?

Do you like spanking/being spanked?

What do you prefer to use to spank? (Paddles/Hands/Whips/Etc)

Do you like to hit or be hit? How hard?

Do you enjoy choking or being choked? How hard?

Do you like to bite or be bit?

Do you like to slap or be slapped?

Do you like pulling or having your hair pulled?

What is your safe-word?

Have you ever done a cum-walk? (Walking in public with cum on your face/clothes/etc)

Would you do a cum-walk?

Are you an exhibitionist?

What was your best exhibitionism experience?

Are you a cuckold?

Are you a cuckqueen?

Are you a hotwife?

Are you a bull?

Would you like to watch your partner have sex with another person?

Would you like to have your partner watch you with another person?

Have you ever been cuckolded? Describe the experience

Explain your best cuckold experience

What is it about cuckolding that you like?

Do you like to be humiliated?

Do you like to humiliate your partner?

Do you like to be humiliated while cuckolding or do you prefer a friendly environment.

Do you like to be forced into crossdressing?

Do you like to be forced into feminization?

Do you like to be forced into sissification?

Have you ever fisted? Explain the experience.

Do you like extreme insertion? Have you ever experienced it?

Are you a swinger?

Do you soft-swap or hard-swap?

Have you ever been to a swingers club (with a partner)?

Would you ever go to a swingers club (with a partner)?

Explain your best swinging experience.

Would you ever participate in an orgy? (4 or more people)

Would you ever participate in a gang bang? (4 or more people)

Have you ever pegged/been pegged? Describe the experience.

Do you peg often?

What is it about pegging that you like?

Describe your best pegging experience.

Do you enjoy large strap on dildos or smaller?

Do you enjoy sucking or having your strap on sucked?

Do you like incest?

Have you ever experienced incest?

Do you like face-sitting/smothering?

Do you have experience in face-sitting/smothering?

Do you like weapon play?

Do you like forced cum eating?

Do you like rape play?

Have you experienced rape play?

Do you like to be dominated?

Have you ever been dominated online?

Whats the most humiliating thing you’ve been forced to do?

Do you enjoy pet-play?

Do you like daddy dom/little play? Describe the experience(s).

Do you like to be worshiped?

Do you like to worship?

Do you like to be spit on or spit on your partner?

Do you like to keep the slave play in the bedroom or carry it over to real life?

Have you ever been suspended while having sex?

Do you like ball-busting/CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)?

Do you like to be told what to do?

Do you enjoy giving/receiving JOIs? (Jerk Off Instructions)

Describe your best JOI experience.

Have you ever given or received a foot job?

Would you ever swap cum with your partner?

Have you ever tried fetching? (Sucking cum from a partners anus or vagina after finishing)

Do you like watersports?

Do you like sounding?

Would you participate in a bukkake?

Do you enjoy brat play?

Have you ever participated in chastity?

What is the longest you’ve been locked up or forced a partner to be locked up?

Have you ever cum while in chastity?

Have you ever experienced a full friction/lap dance?

Have you ever cum or made someone cum from a full friction lap dance/grinding?

Do you enjoy outercourse/hotdogging/pussyjobs?

Do you enjoy cumming or watching someone cum over strange objects?

What is the strangest way anyone has made you cum?

What is the strangest way you’ve made anyone cum?

Do you enjoy forced cum eating?

Do you enjoy premature ejactulation?

Have you ever experienced a ruined orgasm? Describe the experience(s).

Have you ever had your prostate milked or milked a prostate?

This or That

Vaginal or Anal

Vaginal or Oral

Oral or Anal

Handjob or Oral

Handjob or Anal

Handjon or Vaginal

What feels better, masturbation or sex

Rough Sex or Intimate Sex

Car Sex or Outdoor Sex

Dominant or Submissive

Spit or Swallow

Facial or Cum on Tits

Facial or Cum in Mouth

Facial or Cum on Ass

Facial or Cum on Belly

Cum on Tits or Cum in Mouth

Cum on tits or Cum on Ass

Cum on Tits or Cum on Belly

Facial or Creampie

Facial or Anal Creampie

Vaginal Creampie or Anal Creampie

Circumcised or Uncircumcised

Boxers or Briefs

Tits or Ass

Ruined or Complete Orgasm

Vaginal or Clitoral Orgasm

Prostate Orgasm or Regular

Cuckolding or Swinging

Pegging or Grinding

Lap Dance or Strip Tease

Grinding Orgasm or Titty-Fucking Orgasm

Be Humiliated or Worshiped

Footjob or Hotdogging

Lace Panties or Cotton Panties

Latex or Leather

Silicone Dildo or Glass Dildo

Dildo or Vibrator

Hitachi or Sybian

Real Cock or Sex Toy Cock

Real Pussy or Fleshlight/Pocket Pussy

Cam Sites or Porn Sites

Strip Clubs or Porn

Dirty Talk or Loud Moaning

Faked Orgasm or Premature Ejaculation

Cum on Clothes or Cum in Hair

Lingerie or Naked

CFNM or Naked

Corset or Bustier

Thongs or Cheekies

Porn or Sex

JOI or Lap Dance

Fishnets or Nylons

Big Dick or Small Dick

9" Dick or 4.5"Dick

Length or Girth

Big Tits or Small Tits

Petite or Chunky

Muscular or Average

Beard or Shaven

Pubic Hair or None

Thigh Gap or Thick Thighs

Twerking or Slow Tease

Prostate Orgasm or Frenulum Orgasm

Anal, Clitoral or G-Spot Orgasm

Big Ass or Tight, Toned Ass

Skinny or big

Nerdy or Preppy

Cheerleader or Nurse

Firefighter or Cop

Sex on the Beach or Sex on a Plane

Sex in Public or Sex in a Car

Vibrating Panties or Butt Plug

Ball Licking or Rimming

Nipple Stimulation or Neck Stimulation

Hair Pulling or Spanking

Choking or Slapping

Big Dildo or Small Dildo

Realistic Dildo or Smooth Dildo

On Top or On Bottom

Long Hair or Short Hair

Giving Head or Receiving Head

Getting Anal or Giving Anal

Pussy and Anal Penetration or Ass and Mouth Penetration

Two Girls or Two Guys

Bukakke or Glory Hole

Reverse Gang Bang or Male Gang Bang

Doggy Style or Missionary

Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl  

Cuckold or Be Cuckolded

Cum On Someone or Be Cummed On

Drunk Sex or High Sex

Slow or Fast

Veiny Dick or Curved Dick

[kitten-not-angel]

🖤 🖤

[queeropuntia-blog]

Gender Norms and Dysphoria (?)

Growing up, I was always raised that Men were supposed to be strong, emotionless, able to just deal with everything and to be stoic rock of stability. It sucked, and honestly, caused so many issues with emotional supression, never really being happy with who I was or who I was trying to be and just miserable.

My grandmother was very weird about me showing emotions or crying. When my grandfather finally passed after 2+ years of throat cancer, I had this weird notion in my head that to cry at his funeral wouldn't be manly, so I used all my childhood energy to not cry at the funeral. A week or two later, I was sad about my grandfather and started crying. My grandmother asked upset "Why are you crying? It's not like you cried for him at his funeral?". And with that, crying and showing emotions was something I just stopped doing for most of my life :/

Up until this year, looking in the mirror was something I just didn't do. As a kid, mirros always made me uneasy, so I would avoid looking in them almost always. I never really had a mental image for myself, I was just a gross unhappy blob of existence. I've never liked how my body looked, and the parts of it that other people liked were parts that just felt like they were there, but not in any way mine really.

Like I have thick, Polish calves from my German grandmother's side and my grandfather's Polish heritage. I have fairly big calf muscles and there are fairly useful, but beyond that they are just there. I would be so much happier with light hair, sleek feminine muscles and smoother skin.

Until I started wearing more feminine clothes at home and playing around with hair removal did I finally be able to look in the mirror and see a face I could be attached to, and not just a blob of a body staring back. Looking in the mirror now is something I can do and be excited for the future, even if my beard stubble is always annoying.

I never really cared about my hair growing up either. It was just a brown head of hair I was expected to maintain and care about. Any of my friends or coworkers can tell you over the years my hair was just awful. Earlier this year, a coworker dyed their hair, meaning I wouldn't be the first to do it and attract too much attention to myself. I dyed my hair a bright green and for the first time, I felt close and personal to my hair, and I wanted to do more with it. I eventually dyed it other colors, and I'm planning on doing an Intense Copper color this weekend. I'm gonna dye my eyebrows too, cause fuck brown hair.

My name, my masculine looks and my hair was always just things that I got from my family, but weren't things that felt like mine. Now that I am out as Genderqueer and transitioning on HRT, it feels like I can finally be myself and not have to fit into any sort of Societal Gender Norms.

Today I also brought my first bra, a 38B. I'd worn a sports bra a few times that was the wrong size, but this feels right on me. Now I can finally wear dresses and feel like they fit properly. Squeeeee!

[queeropuntia-blog]

my first visit to discuss HRT

Just want to get it out of the way, my Doctor is honestly amazing and the first medical professional to make me feel like I was an actual person and not just someone they had to get through to make their rounds. Nothing in here is a dig at them, they are wonderful.

Once I had figured out that HRT was the path I wanted to take, I had to muster up the courage to call my Dr office and schedule an appointment. It took me a good 2+ weeks of internally debating and being anxious at what kinds of questions or comments I would get.

When I had finally called to schedule my appointment, my Dr was a bit over 2 months out -_- so I scheduled it and waited anxiously for the time. I kept thinking of what I would say when asked why I wanted to do it, or scared the doctor would want me to see a counselor or who knows what. Either way, the anxiety was a nightmare until the day of my appointment.

Every worry and question I had thought of that I was scared of didn’t happen. Instead, it went super well, but was way more surreal than I could have expected.

As a side note, I really lucked out with my Dr. After scheduling my appointment, I found out their specialty was in LGBTQ+ medicine, so HRT was not an issue. 

Anyways, the first question was “Why do you want to do this?”, and my answer of “it feels right” was super OK! The question is pretty standard to rule out a mental breakdown or other extreme causes. So far, so good.

Then came the questions about Pronouns, Gender, what kind of bottom surgery I wanted, my sexual identity and just a bunch of chit chatting. Again, so far, so good.

I was asked about my preferred pronoun, which I don’t have yet. I’m still going by He/Him just for the sake of convenience. It doesn’t feel right, but it’s less stressful to just stick with what everyone knows. She/Her doesn’t feel right at this point because I’m in no way passable and I try not to draw attention to myself in that regard. They/Them doesn’t feel right to me either, so i’m just in pronoun limbo.

We also discussed my body goals, which I don’t really have set yet. I know I want a more feminine look, and I mean passing would be super cool, but I’m not sure where I want to land yet. I’m gonna just go with it and see where I end up pretty much. There was the funny comment that if I had my testicles removed, I would basically be a menopausal women for my treatment and just do Estradoil or a similar treatment.

We discussed a bit about surgeries, and I learned that you have a limited time for using the scrotum for vaginoplasty or anything like that. My insurance should cover reassignment surgeries like that, but my insurance also sucks, so it has to wait.

We also discussed feminizing surgeries, and I found out that a tracheal shave to remove my Adams apple was pretty much an out patient procedure that heals fairly easily. That would probably be my first real surgery on this journey, as my Adam’s apple has always felt off to have.

Next came the discussion of Sexuality, and learning that I’m at a heightened risk for HIV, and I should consider getting on the HIV PReP. As I understood it, since I was pansexual and leaning heavily towards being a bottom, I have to be careful of all kinds of backwards thinking and awful shit like that. For example, straight men will think that hooking up with someone who has transitioned isn’t gay, and since HIV is a gay disease. What kind of fucked up, backward 80′s thinking is that. But yeah, my shitty school education on sexuality did NOT prepare me for that kind of thinking. 

In the doctor’s defense, she did try to lighten the mood by comparing it to a woman’s birth control. Until I’m in a monogamous relationship with a person I trust, I would need to take it every day like birth control. It got weirdly real at that comment.

After that, she got me squeezed in for labs, called my scripts over as soon as she got the results and thus started my magical journey on FeM&Ms.

[queeropuntia-blog]

balls - can’t live with them, can’t just get them removed :/

So genitals...what a hassle lol. I enjoy my penis, or at least, it doesn’t cause me discomfort. When it’s nice and shaved, I honestly like the look of it. Having a bunch of dark, black hairs all over bothers me, but that can be fixed.

My testicles on the other hand, have always just been there and tended to be more of a nuisance than a boon. I’ve sat on them, bumped them, and all other unpleasant things, and would be happier with them gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve found hilarious uses for them from time to time. I can stretch them out like a predator face, or flap them around for the comedic effect. But they aren’t something I generally enjoy or want to have.

I’ve started dressing in more skirts and feminine cut pants, and tucking has become my new most hated morning ritual. I love wearing skirts and cardigans and feeling cute, but the terror of un-tucking and poking out the front is awful. I’m getting better by using leggings, but still, balls are garbage lol.

When I went to my doctor to first talk about HRT - which will be it’s own post to work through -, She had asked about my plans for bottom surgery and what not. I honestly hadn’t thought it through very far, but I learned something unnerving about testicle removal. Apparently, once the testicles are removed, there is a limited time frame after the surgery to make use of the scrotum before it’s not functional for any other bottom surgeries.

The idea of just having my testicles removed had never really occurred to me, but when it the idea was just floated as not a big thing that can be done, it really felt right to remove them. I’m uncertain about how I want it to be down below, but it meant that I had to have a full game plan before carelessly sacrificing the pawns that are my balls.

Growing up, I had always wondered about having a vagina, what it would be like, if I would be happier and all that. I always thought that it was an either or, like you either had a penis, or you had a vagina. I’d seem pictures of people who had their testicles removed and kept their penis, and it seemed/felt more in line with what I would like. And then I saw a reddit link about someone who had an nonstandard Vaginoplasty, and an entire new world of options opened up.

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/9csb92/i_am_recovering_from_a_nonstandard_vaginoplasty_i/

I don’t know if that is the right option for me, or if I would ever really be in a safe situation to get that kind of surgery, but that really seems like something I could wake up to, look in the mirror and be happy to see in the mirror. 

It feels almost selfish, like that stupid anti-bi rhetoric of “you just want it both ways” or I’m just being indecisive. Trying to ignore outside views and opinions is tough, but hopefully I’ll figure out what will make me happy someday...

[queeropuntia-blog]

the story of how I helped my parents avoid a possession charge

So I heard this one from my dad. When I was an infant, still in a car seat, my parents needed to score some weed (I think). They went to their place, got it and headed out. Shortly thereafter they got pulled over by the police for coming out of a known dealer house. They played innocent, got searched but nothing was found.

Where did they put their acquisition? Under their infant son in his car seat sleeping.

[queeropuntia-blog]

when “Porky” isn’t insulting enough

Spending time with my dad while he “worked” at his father’s convenience store while I was a child, he would find it funny to make jokes about me to whoever was around. 

When I was a kid, I was really overweight. My grandmother made sure I ate enough and I loved her cooking, so there ya go. I think I was having issues hopping up on a deep chest freezer to hang out like an adult. His reaction was to call me Porky because I was overweight and couldn’t hop up. He did the whole fake stuttering P-P-P-P-Porky thing! He then decided that wasn’t funny enough, so he decided to say I was more like Porky’s girlfriend and switched to calling me Petunia. 

My memory is not organized or really linked to time, so I remember stuff based on my year in school or events that happened. I think that this hilarity would have happened when I was between 4-7. So yeah, Self Esteem was not something I had growing up.

[queeropuntia-blog]

bedtime pranks in dad’s fifth wheel

When I was a younger kid, sleeping with my dad in his fifth wheel on his father’s business, I would sleep in the only real bed up in the “bedroom”. There was forest back behind the fifth wheel. One night, while I was trying to go to sleep, my dad started scratching on the window while he was laying behind me to scare me. He started saying was the bears outside an that they were coming to get me. He tried to be as serious as he could to savor it longer. He eventually starting laughing and told me it was a joke and to go to sleep. 

[queeropuntia-blog]

vague memories of my mother

My mother moved down a state, and lived with some new boyfriend. From what I remember of him, he was a normal dude that was dating my mom. He did have a huge Coca-Cola bottle and can collection in his living room. I don’t remember much about him personally.

His house though, that place was beautiful. Like, down a dirt road through a majestic old forest, up to this giant house with bay windows, overlooking more glorious forest and at the base a river.

It had a huge living room, a kitchen, and a hallway. The living room was the height of 60′s decor. It had a massive sunken couch, with bay windows all around the living room. The view was incredible. I was such a little shit back then that I didn’t appreciate the beauty of it while I could.

She eventually stop communicating and we haven’t spoken since. I never heard why she stopped calling and stuff, I was only 5 or 6 at the time.

[queeropuntia-blog]

time to bitch about my dad

True story, I was gonna make a post about how I feel about clothing, and I wanted to give background on something. After typing a sentence about my father, I realized it was a post onto itself lol.

My mother was barely over 16 and my father was well over 18 when I was born. The “funny” story on my conception was that my parents where addicted to freebasing cocaine, and had to get away from everyone to get sleep. They isolated themselves away and the magic of me was conceived. 

So my parents tried their best, I assume, to raise me. To that end, they got married. I had memories of the wedding and being weird or something about it, so I got a LEGO set to cheer me up? My memory sucks, especially of my childhood. From the stories I’ve heard of the wedding was my dad got really drunk before the wedding. Yup.

After they divorced, I took it super, super poorly as a child. I got severe separation anxiety as a child. From what people said about me when I was first living with my grandmother, I would sit outside the bathroom crying if she closed the door because I was scared she would leave me. 

Anyways, when I would spend time with him, it was more like hanging out with an immature adult trying to be my buddy. Or he would just want to hang out with someone, and I was there, so I would find something to do. I know at one point what he had a suspended license for a DUI, and he was driving around when he was watching me. My grandmother had told me not to ride with him cause he didn’t have his license. So he told me that she had it wrong, he got it back so it was OK for me to go with him. I had no reason to not trust my father so I went with him. My grandmother got upset at me for going with him. I didn’t feel like I should have been at fault for that, but whatever.

We would watch movies, he would talk about stuff while usually being high. He loved comedy movies, action movies, and other random stuff. I remember him describing the movie Philadelphia, and the part he loved. He would describe some protester with a sign about HIV being god’s punishment for gays. He loved that scene. This was not an isolated pattern.

He really, really enforced gender norms of boys do boy things, and nothing even mildly queer. One time I wanted a barbie doll to get the stereo speakers so I could make the robot from Pee-Wee Herman. He got pissed at the idea of his son owning a barbie. He also didn’t believe in expressing emotions, so I never really learned how to be close to him and have him as a positive male role model. This is becomes a pattern in my life as I get older.

I’m tired of typing about him, so that’s it for now. There will be more to ramble on about I’m sure lol 

[queeropuntia-blog]

intro

I’m in my mid thirties, I was born male and identify as Genderqueer. I started a daily dose of100mg Spironolactone and 2mg Estradiol orally on September 14th 2018. I’m come out to some friends and coworkers, and I’m fairly out as far as wearing Skirts, women’s cut coats, pants, shirts and so on.

I don’t really have anyone close to me to ramble on to or both with my random thoughts, so here we go Tumblr.