I am so fucked up it genuinely makes me crazy. I have both parents and both of them are „present” in my life but I go from cycles of accepting them to hating them. When I was a child they were never there only for me, I had nannys, I played alone, I learned to provide for myself but whenever I failed doing everything they were supposed to do they yelled. I was abused by someone when I was 11, my parents don’t know anything about it even tho they forced me into therapy. I wasn’t ready to talk about it bc I knew my therapist will tell them and they would blame it on me. I struggled with sh after that and that was the only thing I told the therapist, I faked getting better so I stopped going there. At school I became an outcast since I stopped talking and gained a lot of weight from binging. Than I started highschool, I never felt like I belong, and I tried to change myself to get friends. I starved myself until I lost 20kg and then MIA came after MIA there was BED agin, it is a never ending cycle. I tell people I got better I eat in front of them but than MIA hits me so I throw up. I feel angry and annoyed all the time. I seek validation bc I never got it as a child. I oversexualize myself to get attention. And yet everyone things it’s fine. I have i boyfriend that isn’t the best but I struggle so hard I feel like I need him. I get mad at him so easily, I feel disgusted and disappointed but at the same time I feel like I love him. I am numb towards him but the emotions I fake make me believe maybe I do care. I am stuck in a loop, everything going well and then another episode comes and it all comes crushing down.
