Life

i'm just trying to get by, but aren’t we all.

[cowboyemojis]

[neckkiss]

Stranger Things

[r3cklessfool]

Can you see this?

How have you been?

Hopefully life has been treating you well.

Always wished nothing but happiness for you and I do hope you got that.

It’s been 5 years and loads happened since but I guess that’s life right?

Well, I hope you’re well.

[neckkiss]

via weheartit

[understands]

[r3cklessfool]

At the end of the day,

I myself am not sure of what will come out of this.

I talk, and I preach saying wise words,

when at the end of day, it kills me.

It’s been a long time coming,

and I’m not sure if I’m making the right decisions.

But what we know, is that this has to happen.

We pray and hope things didn’t turn out this way,

but low and behold, it went this way.

If it helps you to think it’s a competition,

then so be it.

But I’ll let you win any day,

in this game of being once again okay.

[r3cklessfool]

She was paralyzed.

Laying in bed, alone with her thoughts,

She was paralyzed.

Not knowing what else to do,

She laid there taking it all.

What can she do?

Who can help?

She knew nothing.

She got nothing.

She has no one.

And so there she laid, paralyzed.

[r3cklessfool]

I’m just so fucking sad all the time.

All I can ask myself is,

Why wasn’t I good enough?

Why couldn’t I be someone they tried just a little harder for?

Why couldn’t the people older than be make better decisions?

Why do I have to be the one carrying everyone’s burden and stress?

Why does everyone’s incapability fall on me?

Why am I always, always feeling pain?

I have been trying everything to wake up with an open and bright view for each day.

Constantly being thankful to be able to wake up in the first place.

I try everyday not to think so hard, not to beat myself up so hard after everything that has happened and to accept what is and what I cannot control.

But everyday I can’t seem to get away from the constant sadness, crying, and loss of hope in myself.

I constantly get asked, what are you doing each day to get yourself distracted or to cope with what’s going on.

And I give them a list of every possible good thing that they expect which holds a truth in it.

I draw, I write, I ride, I read, I watch, I have my alone time, I think, I sleep.

Everything they could have imagine, I have done.

But we all wonder, why isn’t that enough.

Maybe it’s just patience. I need more patience.

Time will pass and eventually feelings will go along with it.

However right now, everything hurts, nothing works.

I’m just so fucking sad all the time.

[r3cklessfool]

Thought Journal:

This place has now become my official burner account because absolutely no one I know will see what’s on here.

I’m so scared of my anxiety that just by thinking about watching a show that I know will have a lot of angst in it is triggering. Theres shows I want to watch but can’t seem to start because I know the drama in it will cause nothing but anxiety. I really hate feeling like my chest is being torn and set on fire inside out.

Everyday I think of leaving & where & how I’ll go about it. I’ve already warned my friends so that atleast some people know but I’m ready to leave as soon as the borders open. A new life, a place where no one knows me, new surroundings.

Will I ever finish school? Had to to put a hold on it since things came up. But I wonder when will I be able to finish it. Will I get a job? There’s no guarantee especially in these trying times.

[r3cklessfool]

I miss my best friend.

[r3cklessfool]

And I hope the day, in the near future,

where I decide to pack up and leave everyone,

that they don’t take it personally.

Without a goodbye or a notice of my absence,

I hope they understand that I had to do this,

I had to do this for me.

[r3cklessfool]

Holy fuck I’m so hurt.

[r3cklessfool]

At the end of each day I think to myself,

thank you for getting through today,

thank you for living,

thank you for not giving up on yourself,

thank you for fighting everyday,

thank you for finding the will.

Celebrate the small wins in yourself,

celebrate being able to do things no matter how small or big they may be,

because sometimes, there are others who aren’t able to.

[r3cklessfool]

One afternoon

She was 4 or 5, just like any other kid at the time.

She played and ran with the kid up the hill, having no problems in life.

Laughter filled the air, it was contagious.

Then suddenly, he appeared; the kids big brother.

He said, “come with me let’s play, I’ll show you something better”

The kid she was, she said okay.

He showed her toys and tricks leaving her other friend behind.

He then brought her closer,

she knows nothing, not having anything in mind.

The brother dragged her in his room,

blocking the door.

Pushing her down on the bed, with nothing but a boom.

With a toddler not knowing better,

She let him.

She knew nothing, what was happening?

Every blink she took, she pondered, if what was happening was normal.

A simple cloth, prevented full entry,

He then began to try and pull it aside gently.

She screamed silently, arms were restricted.

Tears rolled down her eyes, the word no held no meaning.

Just before things got much worse, her friend intervened.

The brother panicked, and she was suddenly freed.

More tears ran down her face, she ran with speed.

Back to her family, still, she screamed silently.

Her silent plea unheard,

and she continued crying violently.

Her family knew nothing of what happened that day.

She’s now 22, it’s 2020, and it’s the 3rd of May.

[melisica]

So tired.

[r3cklessfool]

I’m just so....very.....exhausted with my life... I’m just so...very....tired.

[poetrybysesa]