trying not to commit #1
first of all i need to smoke so bad. today was not a good day. ive started feeling bad again lately im having urges but im trying to ignore it all. today was especially bad but luckily i wasnt alone at home so i couldnt get too lost in my thoughts. i have to go to a concert tomorrow night, i bought a ticket months ago and im going with my friend. i really dont want to go but i dont want to disappoint my friend. also i know i'll regret it in the future if i dont go so i'll force myself and get through it. i went out with my mom today. i treated her kinda bad because i was feeling drained from all the thoughts in my brain so i got mad at her a few times. but i think she understood im not doing well so she won't think much of it. i hate myself for treating her bad when i cant handle living. the only reason im trying to get better is her. i dont want her to cry for me after im gone. she doesnt deserve to have a dead daughter.
i had a friend who i often talked to when things got bad but i guess he doesnt want to listen anymore. i dont blame him i understand its not something everyone can always be comfortable with. it just made me feel a little bit worse but still i understand that its not his fault.
i hope tomorrow i will feel better
i know no one will see this so i feel comfortable. if anyone accidentally does sorry you had to read this shit lol. and sorry for my bad english. i just want to get better and i hope this will help me.