My First Love, I Apologize
We were just kids. And I think that is what hurts the most. I didn’t know what I was doing. Those compliments became rude comments because I was angry. I was angry that I was holding back my feelings to satisfy the ones that gave me this life. I was angry because I fell in love with you and I felt like I was suffocating in nothing but disappointment. From everyone, but mostly you. Because you were the one I should have put first.
You fell right into my arms for me to then show you how hurtful and destructive I could be. I was. I was so consumed by fear. You are right. However, I was not embarrassed of us.. I just wasn’t strong enough to withstand the judgment of every mind. The looks and whispers that echoed in every direction. I didn’t like that kind of attention.
After a few months of being in a dark place I had to let you free. I did it in the worst way possible. I remember. You cried and pleaded for something, anything. I gave you nothing. A smile, a single movement, two words that would have solved all of our problems. I’m bisexual. And I’m proud of it.
But instead I hid in fear of judgment. I sat quiet and let you feel alone. I let you go to bed wondering if you were good enough. I let you think that I didn’t love you. I let you think that I didn’t care.. when I cared so much, just not about my own damn future. I did. And I regret it.
My life would have turned out completely different if I had the courage and the belief in myself to say that I loved a girl. A girl that is beautiful, kind, courageous, loyal, humble and resilient. A girl that would do anything to keep the peace, a girl that thinks about everybody else but herself. A girl that sacrificed so much time to deal with a monster like me. A girl that is so incredibly wicked smart but still gave me everything, she still chose to believe in me. A girl whose jokes were too serious but still made me laugh. A girl that stood proud in herself but held back so much just to have me love her half way.
You deserved so much more. You DO deserve so much more.
There was a time when I sang man in the mirror with so much joy. There was a time when stoplights where the highlight of my night. There was a time when movie theaters/drive ins felt magical. There was a time when I looked forward to sending/receiving those long sweet notes. There was a time when I should have made the tough choices because no matter what, I had you at the end of the day. And now all I have are these memories of a time when I was truly happy to be myself.
I guess never live for other people. Never feel that you are indebted to something else. Never be afraid of the endless possibilities of what your insecurities can blossom into. You are UNSTOPPABLE if you let yourself.
To my first love, I apologize. For everything I have caused you. For the emotional distance. For the physical disconnection. For the mental distress. For the pain I have committed. You gave me your heart. Only for me to shut you out and push you away.
To my first love, I let you walk away without ever truly telling you how I feel.
