To my first love,
I sometimes find myself wondering how you’re doing, what you’re doing, where you are now, etc. I stumbled upon some old messages we sent each other; the last messages you and I sent to each other before we stopped speaking six almost seven years ago. Where has the time gone? Even after all these years, I sometimes wish I would coincidently run into you somewhere and we would recognize each other and maybe catch up over some coffee.. or something along those lines. I’ve had dreams with you in it before, and I wonder if it’s because I yearn to close off our chapter properly. Maybe because of the regrets I hold, you manifest into my unconscious. I know I will never see you again, I know I will never talk to you again. I’m so certain that you don’t even remember me. I don’t even know why I’m writing this out. I’ve just built this up for years, and finally just writing out my thoughts in hopes that I can give myself the closure I’ve sought for for so long.
How could I have known eleven years ago I would fall so hard for a stupid boy who would impact me harder than me falling for him? While I was going through my heartbreak period with you, I wished everyday that I never met you; I would curse out loud to some higher being as to why they would hate me so much by having you come into my life. As the years have gone by, I’ve come to realize you were a lesson that I had to learn; a lesson about love, a lesson about patience, a lesson about grieve, and a lesson about trust. You are the reason why I’ve learned to be careful with who I trust, you’re the reason why I now know what I want and do not want in a relationship, and maybe you’re the reason why I’m such a goddamn hopeless romantic. I’ve come to be thankful for the times I had with you and now look back fondly at our memories.
I’ve always made you out to be the bad guy, but I wasn’t an angel either. I’m sorry for trying to get over you with other people, I’m sorry for looking like I moved on too fast, and I’m sorry for always pushing you away and saying things I never meant. I never loved in my relationship after you, in fact being with him was miserable and made me realize how much I loved you still. I wish I told you the torment I was going through the last time we talked. I wish I wasn’t blinded on trying to protect his feelings when he never cared about mine. I wish I told you that I never wanted him to touch my body even though I said no, and always cried after the matter because I so desperately wished it was you caring for my body because you would have never made me feel the way he so disgustingly made me feel. I should have told you that I never stopped loving you when you told me you still loved me. I wish I told you that I would have been willing to give it another ago again. I wish I told you that if you were mine again that I would have never let you go. If I didn’t hold back, where would we be today? Maybe the same place that we are now? I don’t know… Even if we did end up at the same place where we are now, I don’t think I would have any regrets. At least I would have told you my true feelings.
I remember you telling me once that if it felt like the whole world was against me to reach out to you to let me know I wasn’t alone. There were so many times I wanted to do that, so so so so many times. When I found out one of my exes cheated on me and almost drove me to unalive myself, I so desperately just wanted to have you tell me that it would be okay. When I felt so disgusting after having another man touch me in a way I didn’t like I wanted you to tell me that it would all be okay. But I never did. Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t reach out to you. Maybe to me if I did it would be some kind of weakness in my eyes. I don’t know.
I find myself searching for you in places where I know you would never be, or at least at the same time as me. I know you don’t think about me, let alone even remember me. But I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re achieving your dreams. I hope you’re happy and with someone that loves you for you. I still love you…not in a romantic way where I wish to be with you anymore, but in the sense that you are someone that I hold dear to my heart. In that sense, I will always love you and be thankful for you. I’ll always remember that spring day in middle school where I first met you, and I’ll remember all the summers where we would talk for hours and say sweet nothings to each other. Thank you for letting me write this out to help me internalize my feelings and let go of my regrets. Thank you for teaching me about love all those years ago.
-An open letter to my first love
