Self Introspection and my Life

The sum of myself.

[radiantviolet]

Don't belong.

I can't help but feel like my family  is done with me. (adoptive, to know which specifically I'm referring to) Which makes me really sad. Idk I just get the impression that they feel they did their part but it's not real. I know my mom is busy, but damn- In the past three years I've been moved out I've had to do like 99% of the calling, otherwise I won't hear from her. NO one else aside from my sister (who was also adopted) has even bothered with anything as if I was wiped from their mind. (which to some degree is understandable, it was my parent's decision to adopt me) I've always felt connected by a thread on the fringes of their family. This feeling just sucks. It's like the only part of me that matters, despite being adopted, was the childhood before I left... and then when I came back as a teenager which a completely different personality and experiences that have left an impact on me, I was just filling in for "her". Heather (The biological daughter of my adopted mom so my sister) wouldn't even let me near her kids at some point because she assumed that I would be a bad influence or something (Seriously?????? Even if I'm in a bad mood at home, I wouldn't act poorly around a child. There was one time when I was venting upstairs and I didn't know they were over but it was not intentional.) As far as the material qualifications of a family goes yes there is that (given gifts and being invited to certain things) but as far as a feeling of belonging no matter what I just don't have that certainty.

[radiantviolet]

Especially because I have found on occasion some people quickly jumping to aspergers when there are several key aspergers traits that I lack, and therefore felt a bit off. This addresses how introversion, though does share some same traits does not necessarily mean the same thing, and honestly I feel is more of an accurate and befitting term. I in particular, do not have a difficulty with external sensory overload, (I have no problem concentrating with background noise, in fact I actually isolate from it, but perhaps that is because my mind is wired on an automatic "process and concentrate only on the most relevant imput at a time") and do not have a problem with empathy or the ability to understand other people's emotions. I do pick up on social cues, as well... in fact, I am very good at reading body language and interpreting it. However, often I do not agree with certain social protocol for personal ethical and logic- related reasons. I still try to be sensitive to other people's needs and comfort levels though. Also, I do base my actions on an analytical call of judgement, sometimes I do not react a certain way because I am trying to feel someone out on something or see where it is heading. At times, I am so absorbed in my observation and analytical thought processes, my outward speaking can be a bit branching out and "jumpy" as I am verbalizing the actual order of thoughts in my head. My response can be kind of described as this: Topic and response to statement... line of thought, go back to addressing next relevant statement even if the previous response trailed off a little into something else. I have no problem doing this (or responding to another doing this) because my brain is constantly processing these thoughts at the same time, in their own separate bubble, that can be called forth in which order it comes. This can be a problem, though... when the average person does not have a mind that works in the same way. Does it mean either of us have a "Way" that is incorrect, certainly not, even if I find my own method and tendency to be preferable. I could understand why the other would prefer such as themselves, and as a majority people often have the mistake of thinking "this is how it should be as a standard." I disagree with this, though I may have preferences I do not think different personality types are "wrong" as I am not prone to having a standard, or idol that I set humans by in regards to superficial things.

[radiantviolet]

Spotlight on a personality trait aspect- Perfectionism

I often find the impulsive desire to always improve upon. Whether in my own artistic works or tasks, or in situations. The only time this does not extend is in situations where I do not forsee any improvement without a complete overhaul. (such as the state of a shared living quarters). Though sometimes when I can't stand it anymore I do it anyways but especially in cases where I see the other person making little or no effort I try not to be enabling. I am very meticulous, with increments and assigning, and I do enjoy organizing, assorting, and managing when I have the proper opportunity. For example, when I cook food, I watch it and carefully do everything in a thorough manner. My toast must be a perfect golden brown as well as my marshmellows, all fat and imperfections removed from chicken breasts, and my seasonings must be done in such a way with everything proportionately covered. I do not reach the threshold of controlling, because I do consider others right to their own opinion and try my best to make sure that I am at least fair in tackling decision making with another. The positive side is that my results are more finely tuned with such great care, but the negative is that with such thoroughness things take longer. Also it bothers me when things don't go the way I know they could be improved so it lingers in the back of my mind. So I criticize myself for not speaking with the best word choice, etc. In that, I am my own biggest critic,and am not often satisfied until I have thoroughly tackled whatever needs improving. Essentially dissatisfied with "half-assing" anything that I know should be done a certain way. Leading to constant tweaking and revisiting of previous works. I manage not to take too long at my work place, despite the fact that if something looks to be really sloppy I can't just leave it like it is.

I'm growing tired so I'll leave it at that for now.

[radiantviolet]

Chapter one- My childhood, and blood family:

The first prominant figure in my life, as with most, was my mother. She had a lot of kids (7) and 2 of those were my full blooded siblings. My 2 little full brothers and my oldest half-brother lived together. At one point I lived above a bar.   My mother is something special. She's pretty cooky. We were very close, the closest bond I've ever had despite the not as long as I'd prefer duration. She treated me lovingly, that is something very prominant. She never kept information from me, and spoke to me as a person rather than a simple child, contrary to how some people objectify and look down on their kids. She was also very affectionate, often holding me and stroking my head.   My brother Jason was a pretty decent brother. I watched Sailor Moon with him and he played this game where he'd be under a blanket like a bit blanket slug and grab my feet and pull me under making slurping noises. It was fun.   My memory of my early childhood is crystal clear. I remember baths in the sink, and when I was 3 my mother tried to get me off of the bottle. I protested and chanted "I want food" as I slammed my glass bottle on the table over and over again. It shattered in my hand, and I have white scars from it. I remember a conversation with my mother pushing me in the stroller. I asked her why I had to have the hood up and she explained to me that my skin was fair which means that my skin would burn if the sun was on me too long. When I would ask the typical "Why" she would always do her best to try to explain things to me.   My father wasn't in the picture really, he'd visit for like 15 minutes once a month he'd stand me on a chair and give me a kiss ( I hated it because it was prickly from his beard. ) and I'd close the door on his butt when he left. Once he drove around in circles on the yard on his motorcycle. And he took me to another house (I assume the mother of my siblings' house) where he had some guinea pigs and a bird. The guinea pigs looked huge to me, like the size of how I'd see a small dog now.   I learned to live without a father though in general, and I don't really understand that dynamic, nor feel the need for such a role. Though it would have been nice for my mother's sake if he helped out, because she had a hard time doing it on her own and had to also deal with depression. Apparently she may have had a bit of an alcohol problem at the time but I never witnessed it.   Overall I would say I was pretty happy. I do feel that I have gained some things that I would not have as easily obtained if I had stayed there but I also lost a lot. I'll go into that later. So that was how my life started out when I was a little more than a toddler.

[radiantviolet]

In my mind:

I find some quirks that I am inclined to feel are not so usual. One confusion I have is that, I feel I approach things first-hand logically. However, I find the ethics of considering others and trying to understand them to be the most sensible thing. I do things for others more often because I mentally know it is good to do so, than from an emotion. This is not to say that I do not have the feeling of caring for others, but often with strangers I do not feel an emotional response. I do it because I would want to be treated the same, and so it is just.

[radiantviolet]

An intro for this whole thing:

This is me, putting to words all of the self introspection that goes on in my head. These are just small fragments, for a mind that constantly looks at myself and the world around me.