A Cocktail Of Thoughts

Environmental Biology | Learning to be a better me | Mental Health Recovery

[cassie-lmao]

-why are you doing this?

-because i hate myself so much that i sabotage my own happiness

-so you want to do this?

-no

-but are you aware of what you're doing?

-thats the neat part. i am.

[radicaled0402]

I lost myself looking for you

[radicaled0402]

[radicaled0402]

My sweet girl you paint the prettiest sunrises and sunsets.

[radicaled0402]

[radicaled0402]

Each and everyday you drive me further and further away. So why do I still long for your conversation, for an ounce of your attention? You make me feel crazy. The things you do make me feel crazy. Why did I ever have to meet you. Why did you show me kindness. You walked into my life and stole every piece of me and walked away like it was nothing. You’re the worst type of person and I hate that I love you. Fuck you. Fuck every girl you messaged. Fuck every time you showed me a glimpse of reassurance only to strip it away from me. You left me with nothing. Absolutely nothing but a broken heart and a big gaping hole in my life that you used to fill. You knew me. You knew my past. You knew everything, and it didn’t even matter to you. It didn’t matter at all. I never mattered. You used me as a form of self harm while I was trying to heal us both. Fuck you.

[sk-lumen]

If you're not treated right, your first response should not be "let me prove how valuable I actually am, they just don't see it yet". That mindset is toxic and you're going about it the wrong way. Instead, your response should be "they don't see my value, that's on them. Clearly, we don't resonate. I have nothing to prove. Time to replace them with something/someone who does". Your response should be walking away from anything that is not nourishing your spirit.

[healing-is-cool]

I hope it gets easier for you to live in the now. To remember that you're here, in the present moment, that you're safe, even if your mind is thinking of the worst case scenario. You will overcome every obstacle when they arrive, but right now, you can rest.

[iambrillyant]

“there is nothing more powerful than realizing that your wholeness is not defined by anything but you. people may add onto the beautiful pieces that already exist within you, but nothing they do could ever complete you. the keys to your acceptance have always belonged to you.”

— iambrillyant

[creatingnikki]

There is no sincerity in your words. And it makes me sick. Because there was a time when I used to eat up your words like they were a home-cooked meal my mom made with pure love and extra ghee. But now that I finally see it pains me so deeply. Your words? They are just tools to serve you and to get you what you need out of me. There is not one drop of sincerity in them. Your words are like processed food that has been expired but the label is misleading and says that it’s organic and fresh. No wonder I feel sick. I don’t want to throw up all over you, I have that much decency so for now the best thing I can do is keep my distance. Once my body has detoxed and I am sipping on green juice with citrus fruits and lemon I may be able to look you in the eye and call you on your bullshit. But for now I need to sit through this shock of finally seeing your words for what they are. And I need to sit through this anxiety of how well you turn the tables when convenient. And I need to hold on to the little drops of rage I am finally feeling - may they guide me to make the decisions where I look out for me. Because how dare you? How dare you treat me like a fool? When I was filterless with you, it was because I thought your heart was similar to mine. I was not handing over to you my weaknesses and secrets so that you could strategize my sanity’s demise. How dare you. 

[radicaled0402]

12.6.22

[radicaled0402]

I don’t want to miss you anymore. I don’t want to care. You show me time and time again I’m not as important to you as you are to me. And yet I still keep holding on, hoping for a future. I don’t know how to break this habit. I don’t want to have to beg for love. I deserve more than that. Don’t I?

[radicaled0402]

[radicaled0402]