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i feel really alone these days when i think about my abortion and idk why. i know i made the right decision, i cannot be a parent nor would i be a good one right now, maybe ever. and that's probably mostly my own fault because people heal from a lot worse n have beautiful lives n children but i am just tired / running out of steam i think. i feel wrong and worthless kinda. like i should have been aborted, too.

i also don't get why josh .... let things happen like that if he cared about me. as a friend or person, but definitely if it was romantic. i am trying to imagine things from his POV but i don't get it. i don't understand anything. what were we doing? why? when did things change or were they always what they were? were we always what we are? because right now it feels like we are two parallel lines that just somehow got fucked up and tangled in the middle but weren't meant to.

and then jared. it felt so serendipitous but that doesn't feel real or like it lasts or i don't know what to be or who i am or if it's even real. what am i doing? am i a bad person also because he's younger than me or did he have choice and agency? i don't fucking know and i'm spiralling and i wish i felt like my family gave a fuck about me. i think it's my own fault for being an impermanent person but i didn't mean to i just don't know how to stay or be or feel and i don't remember when i last felt like i was right where i was meant to be or wanted. is that because i've been home?

why is the inclination to sell the home rather than to fix the broken things? why do things get more broken with no attempts at fixing despite my pleas and attempts at resourcing myself and others? what did i do wrong? am i wrong? like as a person? is my body and mind wrong?

#not poetry but a ramble post cptsd spiral i guess #me being a piece of shit strikes again i guess. i am so tired. of me n my life.

i say i’m over you but here i am, a year and a half later. still thinking about you. writing about you. i’ve started seeing someone new but he doesn’t inspire those feelings in me.

i want to feel the way you made me feel. i’m here. and i’m ready.

maybe all that’s missing is you

i don’t miss you. or... i don’t think i do, at least.

but i do miss the idea of you. i miss the way you made me feel. i miss the person you used to be. the person i thought you were.

i miss the boy who looked at me, eyes full of wonder. i miss the boy who read to me, who followed me wherever i went, who had my back. i miss the boy who took me to bookstores, who let me roam, only to find him in the language aisle. nose deep in a book. to say, when he looked up to meet my eyes, in broken hindi, ‘main tum-ah-se pyaaah-ahr karTa hoon’. who smiled when he kew i understood, even if it was broken. i miss the boy who took me out, i miss the shy boy, in awe of holding my hand. i miss you showing me off. i miss being his love. i miss being his friend. i miss the sound of you in the kitchen, i miss you coming to check on me during cooking breaks. to kiss my forehead, to touch my shoulders. to hold me. i miss the boy who called your dogs our dogs. i miss the boy who made me imagine a future. who made me want that future. i miss the boy i loved. who loved me.

but he doesn’t exist anymore. maybe he never did.

#i dont even know if i really have feelings for u anymore. is this fake?#i just listened to agar tum saath ho and im having feelings.#if this isnt the corniest shittiest thing ever ... idk #maybe he will know one day #not that he'd care but... idk #anyways. its all true #or it was #i miss you x #lxv

“we were supposed to be that couple. Happy, Tucking our grandkids in.. but every time I think about that i remember how you broke my heart. shattered Ms. No rhyme, no reason.. I never ever felt that type of pain. It wasn’t just you, it was everything but I was in almost constant panic attacks. I couldn’t control myself, I was involuntarily urinating, shaking, swearing. I couldn’t eat without smoking, it took me hours to get out of bed and shower. Anyways. It was far from just you but I will always, *always*, associate that time of my life with you. I wish you felt my pain... my heartbreak. but you never could. you never will.”

“........I just think.. I don’t know what to say.”

“Of course not. You never did.”

“okay, fine. we might have both hurt each other but you hurt me in a way i never hurt you.”

“oh yeah okay, pulling the break up card again, nice. grow up, get over it.” he scoffed. she stiffened.

“no.. but that, too, i guess. obviously it sucked for me, i still don’t really... whatever that’s beside the point. yes, it was awful but it worked out in the end. if we’d been together longer my year would have been ruined.”

“what the fuck? what kind of accusation is that?”

“no like.. not because of you. well, kind of... i mean, because of us. if we’d been together i may not have gone for WTC at all. you told me a centre was stealing me from you... and for some stupid fucking reason I really considered not doing anything. we would have grown to resent each other if we’d stayed together..”

he rolled his eyes.

“well, i guess that’s already happened then anyways. but it would’ve been worse if you hadn’t left.”

“why do you talk like that? you’re the one who left before we got to talk..”

“YES. yes because i waited all summer to talk. during a pandemic. i stayed here for months just to get nothing from you. you only brought up talking when you heard i may finally go home. and i, like an idiot, considered staying but thank god i didn’t because if i had i’d be here, stuck, mourning, and we probably still wouldn’t have talked.”

“you considered staying?”

“what?”

“you said you considered staying..”

“huh? yeah for a second before everyone talked me out of it. or really, slapped some sense into me. we’ve had ages and you still haven’t even tried to talk to me, ship’s sailed, bud.” they stood in silence. “okay, anyways, i should head out.”

“leaving, again.”

“oh fuck off.” she slammed the door behind her.

_____________________________

6 MONTHS LATER @ walmart

he’s with a new girl. i’m alone, in pajama pants n two day old hair in a messy bun. and i mean messy, not cute, on purpose, artistically off balance -- just plain messy.

#idk waht to write or where tf this was meant to go. nowhere.

a year ago today i was sending snaps to you, i was acting and being full of love

and you? you were empty. you were empty when it came to me. nothing to give...no one to love despite the fact that i was (and am) still here. you wake up every morning and i mourn for you..

i allow sensation to be my teacher and she says, gently, let go... move on...

but something keeps bringing me back to you. it can’t be your compassion (because of the way you broke my heart), it can’t be your smile (because i have felt warmer fires), and it can’t be you. (because you left me... you began to stop loving me)

so what is it? your presence, your energy? the way you’d clear the hair out of my face and look at me, gently, and tell me i’m important? that you love me?

do i care for you simply because you cared for me? and when it stopped... did i stop to care for myself? you are simply a chapter in my life... a relatively short one when i consider all my life -- so why are you the end and the beginning?

i thought it would be you... be us, forever. but you are simply a memory to me. a promise, a reminder, of what could have been. but it wasn’t.

and now? you are simply a bitter heartache, an aching my heart can’t seem to overcome.

#poetry #poem #radpoetry #writing #words #prose #lets GOO #lets go #love #acceptance #heartbreak #silly #small #after relationship #after a relationship #relationship #memory #in memoriam

the moon is full, and

unlike us, she is magic...

everlasting, love

together, we saw

the moon, and she was gorgeous

full, everlasting

happy

i am happy for you.

so it wasn't us in the end.. and i thought it would be.

i *hoped* that it would be us. you made me feel safe, you made my heart bloom in a way that no one ever has before but we are young. i am young and this will pass... it has to.

yes i know i always say that and it's been almost a year and i'm still hung up on you, i miss your voice, i miss your smell and i fell apart at that picture of us at the christmas market two years ago but... i'm happy.

i can't be happy with you so if you're happy i'm happy, i promise. i'm happy for you.

but it hurts, i hope that this isn't for always... that this will pass but right now? it hurts. it hurts that it's not me. it hurts that someone else can touch you like that, gets to see your laugh, have you breathe against their face at night. to feel your arms wrapped around their waist without flinching. for you two to be so comfortable with each other, for her to meet your family... your dogs. it hurts because that used to be me. i loved when it was me.

...and i don't know what i did wrong but it must have been something because you ripped my heart out without a second thought. no explanation.. a four minute face time where you left it all to the last 30 seconds and for some reason i'm still here, nearly a year later.

trying to make sense of the 1000 pieces that you left behind. but it's not like a puzzle, nothing seems to fit anymore.

and sometimes i wonder if the missing piece.. is you

#poetry #i am ... stupid lfmao

so much happened since i last wrote. chr*s and i stopped being friends very soon after that call... and i used to say / think that not hooking up with our friends was a good rule and i stand by that but god. i hooked up with x's friends. i did... i sucked the dick of his real estate friend / our old dealer and tbf he was like .... go for it but that's because men have no morals or care for anyone outside of themselves and their dicks. i should feel guilty... but i don't. if anything i just feel numb / nothing about x? like we broke up what i thought was a loving relationship with no explanation. i've been torturing myself with my mind because i never got closure and i don't want to anymore but i can't help my dreams. oh well

chr*s called n he was w his boys, p*ter n**r and t* and it was rly lovely calling him even tho n**r had the phone most of the time smh and they kept askin why we broke up lmao :/ and he said he wouldnt say anything but was quietly like she cheated but he didnt seem mad so ??? idk progress ??? we feel like good civil best friend exes tbh, he joked i friend zoned him lmao i did NOT and also n**r kept saying he loved me LMAOOOO n they kept saying he pulled like 10 girls in two days so im rly tryna steer clear haha plus hes younger than me sry i aint abt it he kinda a lil cute tho if he werent #boys w my manz ish then id prob kiss him but das prob it still anyways chr*s was like if u do come and u do end up doing stuff i ll be okay and like tbh i appreciated the gesture ya know but i wouldnt do that to him, i know we arent together but he always said pls dont bang my friends n i think thats a v reasonable rule haha

i love chr*s so much lol i wanna be together fr but without the pressure n gaze of everyone i just want us to commit to each other, i really think id be happy spending the rest of my life with him. everyone else can be exhausting but i never tire of you, i never run out of things to talk about and when we’re tired it’s you i want to rest with. you touch me like no one else, you make me cum in ways that no one else can even come close to, you make me laugh, you make me smile and you make me cry like no one else can. i know i’m young but all i can think is it’s you, it’s you, it’s you. what do i want? you. who do i want to come home to? you. who do i want to figure things out with? you. i want to grow together, i want to grow old together, i want to fight my battles with you at my side, i want to see you continue to thrive, i want to see you conquer the world and your demons and i want to be there with you through everything.

this is complex, you are complex, we are complex but it’s all love, all the time, in every way, in every shape, in every form. it’s love and it’s you.

#im emotional and tired and i miss tf outta him lol #we're in a good place rn tho i think #the thought of being with anyone else though or even talking to other people is so ugh n tiring n just.... not appealing lol #i feel physical attraction to other people sometimes but none of it could hold a candle to what i feel for you what i feel with you

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