sicc alien

Loser.

[raeesascache]

I’ll never shut up about how much the little things mean to me. Oh did you just tuck my hair beneath my ear because it was falling on my face? Cute. You held my hand while crossing the street? Cute. You sent me a song because you thought that I would like it? Cute. You sent me a picture of a pup you found down the street? Cute. You went on a walk with me? Cute cute cute!

[raeesascache]

Balancing on burning bridges/ Anecdoche at a crowded hotel room/ Second thoughts about smoking that cigarette because I fear losing the sweetness from my tongue/ Escaping parties in the middle of the evening/ Listening to San Luis on my dad’s old radio/ Stolen kisses and peppermint breath/ Sticking up that polaroid of us on the wall/ How I’d have killed for you, if you wanted me to.

[raeesascache]

All this while I felt like an adult

Trapped inside a child’s body.

A child with dreams,

And thoughts of her own.

With mountains on my lean shoulders

And circles underneath my eyes,

I allowed every soul into my life.

Never expected them to understand me

Because I was supposed to be the one who understands.

Now at 18, I know that we’re all flawed

And that I am no exception.

We’re losing too much all at once.

When I look next to me,

I no longer see the shoulders that I cried on.

I don’t see the same faces

That I have always wanted to, anymore

But I don’t blame anybody for that.

Birthdays don’t excite me anymore.

I don’t blame myself for that either.

Hate to admit it but I am secretly wishing

For a million things to happen

Just like a naive kid would.

I still want my birthday to excite me.

Because after all this while

I have become this child

Who is trapped inside an adult’s body.

[raeesascache]

Isn’t it?

[raeesascache]

I knelt down beside your grave,

Late in the evening

Even after they warned me

Not to walk around the graveyard alone

But I knew that if you were around

Nothing could hurt me

The cold winds kept bothering me

Like the cold memories

Which find a way back to me every night

I regret not hugging you tight

The last time that I saw you

When you were busy taking heavy breaths

And convincing me that you would make it

To another sunrise, another sunset, another day

You tried

I tell myself everyday,

I wish it was me and not you

Struggling on that hospital bed

Now I wake up alone in an empty room

And I think to myself

How nature has it’s own ugly way

Of snatching away all the good things from me

I just cried while eating a bowl of cereals

Because they keep on telling me that “life goes on”

And I know, I can never be convinced

[raeesascache]

But I guess that’s the way to life. You meet someone and suddenly they become a part of your life. They aren’t aware of everything that you’ve been through and neither are you but there you are, exchanging bits of your lives in the most biased and oversimplified ways.

[raeesascache]

No wonder why I keep circling back to that part of the story where I wake up alone in an empty room and everything is quiet. The story, where I’m supposed to be the protagonist but I end up being the side character because I’ve pretty much made up my life about somebody else. I am scared to fall asleep again; because I know the good dreams make me cry. So I lay there staring at the void until all the question marks on my character make me throw myself against me. I turn my head towards the darker side when the murmurs from the living room start to get a little louder. “Are you okay?” Asks my mom. I reply to her with nothing but a muffled smile. (I hope I do not make her cry again)

[raeesascache]

In the dream that I don’t tell anybody, you put your head on my lap.

You are trying your best to hold back your tears/ And I am trying my best to pretend as if I didn’t just feel that drop of tear fall on my thigh/ Still holding back the urge to kiss you on your lips and tell you that it’s going to be alright/ Something has been causing you an eerie/ But I do not want to interrupt your grand soliloquy and ruin it all/ We are stuck in this endless circle of waiting for one of us to say something/Just lay your head on me;I promise nothing will hurt you/You keep quiet/ And I sit through your silence/ Which I would, a hundred times more, without a second thought.

[raeesascache]

It’s another afternoon when I’m sitting by the window while it’s all dark and gloomy outside. Isn’t this, what we called our favourite weather? I tried making my coffee like you used to; added the right bit of sugar and a lot of coffee beans, but it still fails your coffee. I generally like my coffee dark, but the sweetness somehow reminds me of that one time when we went to your favourite cafe and I complained about how the coffee was too sweet. And you agreed on having expressos with me for the rest of our visits. I hope you are not caught up with a lot of things today. I hope you are staying in and watching it rain like I am. You would never miss a chance to talk about the sky whenever it’s all engulfed by the dark clouds. I hope the wind touches your face and kisses it, as gently as I would. For once, I hope it sucks all the sadness out of you. Don’t get too engrossed, you might forget to drink your coffee again. I know you don’t like it cold. It has almost started to drizzle now, the raindrops are slowly fading away, are you thinking about me yet?

[imakeartwheniwanttodie]

[2morosis]

[raeesascache]

Listening to Hypochondriac by Sasha Sloan. And she goes like “If I die I’ll never get you back”. Thinking about how somebody is willing to live for that one person because they’re too scared to lose them. DAMN.