words about my life

Rae. 21. F. welcome to my temporary journal to spew words onto.

[raemots]

2 December 2021

Well Well Well. Much like Shady, guess who’s back again? God damn a lot has changed since the last time I journaled here, so let me just briefly chat about why I’m on here again and then we’ll get into what 2020 and 2021 turned into.

I started going to actual therapy earlier this year! It’s been great, unpacked a lot of insecurities and doing pretty good now. I missed an appointment 2 weeks ago and just wrote down what I was feeling at the time to bring up later. Then flash forward to our actually therapy, it was good to read through those feelings bc I was like crazy removed from them 3 weeks later. I ended up mentioning that I used to journal on here and she said it might be a good thing to continue so HERE WE ARE! So yes I’m back but it’s not because I’m depressed at all, but more so bc I used to enjoy this! So here we are, putting my feelings into the ether of the internet.

So, just one month after my last journal entry, things got so bad with the Coronavirus that the entire country went into lockdown and I didn’t see anyone for quite a while. Like 3 months a while. And spent a majority of 2020 alone in my apartment with Miss Bean, my cat. However, not all is lost. We now have a vaccine and can safely travel, but we still have to wear masks in airports/public transit etc.

One good thing that came out of the pandemic, I started doing zoom happy hours with Brodie and his DC friends, got really close with them (a little /closer/ with one of them, but he’s just a friend again and all is well) so after (safely) visiting a few times in 2020, I decided to move to DC. From reading the last journal entry, it is CLEAR that I wasn’t satisfied in syracuse but I just did not know how to change it. So January of 2021, I packed up Bean and all my shit and moved down to DC. Was it just two days after neo-nazis stormed and broke into the capitol? Yes it was. It’s an odd thing to have national guard stationed a block away from your apartment for your first 3 weeks of living in a new city.

But, I’ve been here 11 months now and am really happy. I’m living with Brodie again, have a lot of friends and fun, and still get to see my Syracuse people. This was just a little intro, so I’ll get into real journal stuff tomorrow. We’re back baby!!!

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.

[raemots]

14-19 April 2015

ugh these week has EXHAUSTED me. the 14th i ended up not having to go to work, because there was nothing left for me to prepare so i actually got to catch up on everything thats been on my to do list for so long. it was a quiet day, but it was good. then that night i went to trivia with jen and the swim guys and had a really fun time!! i was talking to this really cute guy sam most of the night and apparently he was diggin me too which is cool! he’s a freshman, but has his brother’s ID and they look very similar. 

wednesday was super dull, i had my afternoon class and then i got ready and left to go to the tax day dinner with my internship firm. it was SO much fun and so delicious. we went to a brazilian steakhouse and ate so much good food, but then i had to say goodbye to everyone which was super weird. i wasnt really expecting to get so emotional, but i really learned so much from them and it was a wonderful experience.  Thursday I skipped my 8:30 (again... i gotta stop that) and went to lunch at dinosaur with mike cause he moved back home today. it was so nice and we just got to chat about where we were and how we were doing. im very happy for him, he’s getting his life back on track. it makes me happy to see. then that night i had to do homework for my accounting class and it was TERRIBLE i hate that class so much and i went to the bar after that but it was really crowded and younger so i went home

Friday i drove all the way to geneva, which was exhausting cause i had already driven to rochester on wednesday and thursday, but i got to see my parents speak at a preservation conference. it was super fun to see them do their thing and then we got dinner as well. then that night jen and i just settled ien and made food and hung out. 

Saturday was BEAUTIFUL outside!! i did some homework and then walked around town outside. we also had honor court which was a hot damn mess, but everything worked out. then we had the typical honor court party that night and had a super fun time!

today was very quiet and i went to breakfast with ashleigh and then saw mtc show with lauren and it was... alright. not their best show. 

ive felt very lonely lately. everyone has been so busy lately and i just have nothing to do. i feel very separated and sad, nobody has time for me. it sucks. im just bummed out lately.

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

10-13 April 2015

friday was pretty busy i had to get my cap & gown and then go to my professors office hours for the test i had that day. it went TERRIBLY so i ended up going to kelly’s with weith for a little bit, but then i went home and chilled out on the couch cause i had not had time to chill. I made plans with erin at 7, so i just laid on the couch and watched clueless on netflix, then went to this theater performance at the rivera at 7 with erin. it was a collection of writings from an irish writer, it was really cool. then we went back to erin’s place adnd ecided we wanted to see cinderella, so we went to the movies and it was SO GOOD!!!!! i loved it so much and erin and i ended up dancing to a dream is a wish your heart makes alone during the credits. i love that girl so much

saturday morning i woke up to jen asking me if i wanted to get dunkin which i OBVIOUSLY did so we did that and then chilled all day. then i went to rochester to meet up with my parents for dinner and then went to see tracy grammer, our favorite folk artist, at a church show. it was so nice to see them and have drinks and hang out. and i loved the concert, seeing tracy is always so nice. Then when i got back i went to the idle cause jen was working. i didnt mean to go hard, but akpsi bros ended up turning out so i had a lot of fun, except weith kept talking my ear off about where we were with the thing we had going and it was so fucking annoying omg. but i ended up going to paul’s to get food and then went home with jen once she closed the bar

sunday jen and i went to gfr for bfast with emily ashleigh and steve (her bf) and had a lot of fun, but weith ended up randomly showing up unnanounced and asked steve if he could sit with us and steve lied saying branden was on his way. it was so weird he was getting so attached so i ended up texting him to break things off and he understood so that is a hUGE weight off my back. then jen and i hung out outside cause it was SO NICE outside. when i was at a group meeting later matt texted me saying he was in geneseo with mike and if i wanted to chill, so i said yes! jen and i met up with them at kellys and then went to club 41 to get food and some drinks. after that the 3 of us minus jen went over to zahars for drinks and some cigars and fun.  i had so much fun! it was really chill until i drank too much and brodie drove me home.  apparently jen walked in on me naked in kitchen trying to pour myself water and then i showered, which i have no recollection of. i also apparently threw up and missed a LOT and threw up on my carpet :( 

so i woke up at like 3:30 am (cause i fell asleep at like 10) and i had no memeory of what happened, i had a rug burn on my arm, and matt was on my couch. i chugged water and then threw it all up like 30 minutes later. i cleaned everything up a bit and tried to fall back asleep but couldnt. ended up throwing up again around 6 and matt came in and helped me a lil bit. then i managed to fall asleep on the other couch before going to breakfast with mike and matt, and i threw up again in the bathroom there cause  i couldnt even handle toast and water. after throwing up tums and water later i went to the health center and they gave me nausea medicine and i felt a lot better. 

ugh that was a lot to type

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

6-9 April 2015

ugh this whole alex thing has exhausted me this week. so monday afternoon we got coffee and straightened out a few things and agreed to try and keep it casual and what not and he offered to fool around in the afternoon but i said no. however, as a flip flopping girl, i texted him later to come to kellys and then he ended up coming over again and we had sex again... it was fun and then i drove him home cause i had work early the next morning.

then tuesday was exhausting, work wasnt great and i was just tired but i managed to go to trivia with jen and the swim guys and for some reason i invited alex again.... so weird i know. so it wasnt awkward but only because we were drunk i think. i invited him so sleepover but not do anything cause i was so tired.

the night was AWFUL and i sent jen this text the next morning:  Weith is never JUST sleeping over again. I didn't get any sleep last night because he kept fucking waking me up to try and fool around like BRO I AM TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP RIGHT NOW

so thats pretty much what happened. he apologized for waking me up so much and i was so tired and deprived of alone time i skipped both of my midday classes on wednesday the 8th. I texted him and told him it was feeling way too serious and that we should just stick to sex when we want it and not force it. 

also tuesday night brodie came by and we ended up talking about the whole hickey /dinner with mike thing and i found out that he slept with yulia the weekend after we broke up and honestly im not at all surprised or upset.  I assumed that was what he was going to do and its kind of nice to have it confirmed then to have my brain wandering and thinking about it.  apparently he also mentioned my hickey to brodie and said he was happy i was moving on and that when he slept with yulia it didnt make him feel better because “now rachel isnt the last person i slept with”... idk its weird. i feel good about sleeping with weith though. it was fun and little strange but it was good. 

today was sucky, i woke up EXHAUSTED for class which i had a quiz in then had work which i was so so tired during but i got a lot done. then tonight i had a sub from wegmans and ive been studying for my accounting seminar test.

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

30 march - 5 April 2015

i am so terrible at this

Monday the 30th I had my accountng 270 midterm which was awful but I made it through, then I had to do a bunch of errands. Honestly it was a pretty boring week until Thursday when brodie’s friend andrew from home came to visit. I met up with andrew once i got back from work and we hung out and then the two of us and brodie got dinner at gfr then I had to go to an extra credit thing. Then later that night a bunch of us all went out to the idle for drinks and it was a LOT of fun! I saw meagan weith jz and adel there too weith and i flirted a bit and stuff but i mostly hung out with brodie lauren andrew jessi zahar and jack. it was fun.

Friday was pretty boring, I hung out and had class in the afternoon. That night was fun as erin brodie andrew lauren and i went out to applebees for dinner and i got to give erin her special present. then later andrew brodie and i watched netflix and drank at my place and later meagan joined us and we played pool and played with meagan’s dog who was visiting for the weekend with her parents. Saturday was a very quiet day, i honestly dont remember too much what happened. but that night we had the toga party and it was a LOT of fun! jen bailed and people showed up a bit late, but we had so much fun. we went out to the abrs and then weith and jack and i ended up coming back here and ordering uhots and watched tv, then weith came back to my room and jack slept on the couch.

SOOO weith and i ended up having sex. it was AWESOME! it was so much fun and we were really honest with each other. it was really hot as well.... its been a long time since i did something like that. he slept over and we even fooled around this morning. he went home and i slept in. today was very quiet, especially becuase it was easter but i ended up going to dinner at applebees (fuckin again) with brodie andrew and mike of all people which was a lot of fun but awkward because i had a hickey from weith.

PLUS it was awkward at dinner because mike ended up asking how weith was doing after his break up and i was like “OH HE’S DOING GOOD YEAH TOUGH BREAK UP HE’S GOOD THO I DONT KNOW FOR SURE THOUGH”

so THAT happened

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

22-29 March 2015

son of a bitch i fell off the wagon again. coming back to school has been crazy so yeah...

So last week is a bit of a blur so I’ll give the highlights.  Monday the 23rd I met with Dr. Howe to ask him about CPA stuff, which was very nice and I met with Wes to talk about some study abroad stuff.  I ended up briefly bringing up Mike and got very upset all of a sudden.  it was very out of blue and upset me a lot.  Luckily Wes was really nice about it, but it’s always awkward crying out of nowhere to a professor, however close we might be.  Then that night was big/little reveal so i have another grand little renee who is AMAZING and so cute and nice.

Tuesday the 24th I met with Mike coffee. It was very nice. we had good talks about where we at and how we were doing both with the break up and personally etc.  I mentioned how I’d gotten upset with Wes and it was kinda setting in again which was hard. Like this feeling of finally realizing “oh this is real” and he got that. we talked about comics and the flash and fun other stuff.  Then we decided to say fuck it to normalcy and he came over and we watched the flash together, which was fun.  Then we grabbed food and went and met up with brodie keenan maddy Johannah jack and others for drinks at trivia. It was really nice, I got a bit drunker than planned. Jen and meagan were also there which was fun. Jack didn’t realize we had broken up but whatever. Johannah told me that she had had an abortion which was crazy but I tried to be supportive. Luckily with my sister telling me about hers I am a bit familiar with it. But so now I feel a bit closer with her.

Wednesday was busy I had class and took a long nap in the afternoon then had to study for my finance test, but luckily now I have old tests for that class so I did well. brodie was being an asshole to mike about Tuesday night and saying we were making him and others uncomfortable with how good we were with each other. mike and i basically told him to go fuck himself because we’d deal with our break up how we like and he can figure it out. ends up it was a miscommunication but it still pissed me off.  Thursday was same old: class then work and chilled that night around the house.

Friday I ended up getting breakfast at gfr with jen which was nice then we did some errands and got gifts at Walmart for out grand littles for midcourt which was Saturday. Then that night I went to the Amerks hockey game with brodie for my internship company. it was a TON of fun, we had some beer and free food and got to chat about rocky horror and what he meant with his rude texts and it was just nice. then we went out that night and drank and went down the statesman actually! paige was there it was her 21st birthday and it was fun seeing her, even if she was a bitch to brodie. whatever. also i saw TWO GIRLS DOING FUCKING COKE IN THE BATHROOM LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK i felt so old omg

Woke up at 7am Saturday for midcourt shenanigans which was SO MUCH FUN. it was a long day, but it was fun hanging out with all the brothers. Jen and I went to orchesis that night and saw both our grandlittles perform and they were AMAZING! Renee is on knightline and is so talented. Then that night we had some brothers over and were drinking. Weith was there and I hadn’t seen him since his break up with his girlfriend so we started chatting about it. Turns out that our break ups were very similar, especially because they were both our first times. There was this weird tension between us and I was a little attracted to him.  It could be because we’re both emotionally vulnerable, but I think if anything happened we’d both get where the other one was at.  

One thing that bothered was that I joked up about when we almost had a foursome last year and then I was like “yeah and you got sick” and he was like “actually no, we just didn’t want to do it with your boyfriend. we just wanted you” and it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. not that they wanted me, but it’s just another thing of people not liking mike. It makes me feel terrible when people tell me these things.

but anyways, weith and i sat next to each other most of the night and went out to the bars with ashleigh and jen. rob, an alpha was visiting and weith and i chatted with him for a while which was awesome. we were very flirty but then after a while he left to go to center st so nothing happened. but after he left ashleigh told me that he said to her “i really wanna fuck rachel” so OMG THAT HAPPENED

so all day today i couldnt stop thinking about it. I texted him last night as i was going bed because i asked if he was still at center but he didnt get back to me in time for me to head over there. I kinda wish something had happened. because  now i cant stop thinking about it. fucking alex weith of all people. crazy. Today was a lazy day.

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

17-21 March 2015

I so lost track of time. Being home does that. 

On the 17th I got a haircut! It was so nice to feel so refreshed  and new. Then I went up to SU to pick up lex from class and we went to get lunch downtown together.  While waiting for her at starbucks i ended up running into Lis, a girl who lex and I played soccer with and who was good friends with lex. It was nice seeing her! she seemed genuinely interested in getting a drink sometimes.  It’s interesting how the people who you were never close with are the ones you end up wanting to sit down and talk with years later.  Quite the opposite with other friends of mine from high school. i have no interest in hanging out with liz, hannah and the old gang but i wierdly feel left out when i they hang out without me. a wierd kind of “i want you to need me but i dont need you”

but lunch was really nice. we caught up on our lives and what was going on, i told her about mike and got to vent a little. For someone I see so little and who I’ve drifted apart from a bit, alexis just gets me. I’ve known her my entire life and she just gets me. and I get her. The rest of the day was very dull.

Wednesday was pretty quiet, i did a few errands and then that night I went to see the broadway tour of chicago with my parents!! I was really excited, but it wasn’t as great as I expected it to be. still enjoyable though.  Thursday I went to work per usual, but I drove back home to Syracuse afterwards and went to see ‘kingsman: the secret service” with my parents and HOLY TITS IT WAS SO GOOD OMG. colin firth was amazing and it was just so much fun. I called brodie as soon as i got out and we both gushed about it to each other.  We ended up talking for a whole hour! we chatted about what tv shows we were on, the fever dream of us road tripping down to orlando to see erin while she’s working there.  It was super nice. 

Friday i worked again but came back to geneseo afterwards and settled in.  That night was the 2 hour glee series finale. And it was actually utterly PERFECT.  It was so beautiful.  And I wasn’t super emotional for most of it.... I didn’t cry until Rachel sung her final solo, the song darren criss wrote for the finale, and it was just so spot on and emotional i started sobbing. The show was a big part of me for 6 whole years and now it’s over, but I’m so thankful for all it taught me and all it showed me about life.  I had the house to myself which was nice as well.  If you had told me 4 years ago that the how i met your mother series finale was complete shit, but the glee series finale would be perfect I would’ve laughed in your face.

Today I showed up to give a tour but luckily didn’t have to, had some breakfast peacefully by myself at GFR and then spent the rest of the day watching reign on the couch until JEN CAME HOME!!! then i spent the rest of the night having dinner and watching disney movies on abc family with her:)

now I have some cookies and tea. It’s a nice night.

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

16 March 2015

today was alright. A little tough, but pretty alright.

I woke up and vegged out most of the morning. Watched more of the unbreakable kimmy schmidt over breakfast and lunch before doing some errands and then going to the mall and shopping a bit. I was looking for a graduation dress, but didn’t find anything. All I ended up buying was a small gift for erin as a congrats present on her acceptance to the disney college program. I’m so proud of her and at the moment her and jen and amanda are the people who are holding me together. especially erin, i just care for her so much. she’s one of those people who have so much love and faith in the world and in people, way more than I think one should. but she makes me better and I keep her safe and we protect each other.

but anyways, i got her a little stuffed nemo plushie from the disney store to kind of symbolize her adventure she’s going on. nemo will keep a good watch over her during her adventure as I cannot be there:) it’s a little dorky but the two of us are nothing if not dorks first.

After that I got a delicious salad at panera, then went home and ended up finishing the unbreakable kimmy schmidt and getting a hold on what shows I’m caught up with/currently watching/need to catch up with

my parents came home with mexican take out, but my mom said something that kind of upset me. Whenever the last time that mike was visiting in Syracuse, he met a handful of our family friends and my mom informed me that the two daughters (who are a bit older than me, we all went to the same high school) had told their mom (my moms friend) that they thought I could do so much better than mike because I’m such a pretty girl and whatever and my mom was like “if that makes you feel any better” and i HATE when people say that because it does the opposite!

jenny said the same thing. bella said the same thing. hell people said the same thing even when we were fucking TOGETHER! and it irked me then too, and I told mike but he never really minded it because he kind of agreed with them. It makes me so uncomfortable. how would you feel if people were constantly telling you that your boyfriend/now ex is lesser than you? He’s still a person I deeply care about and always will. He was my first love and I really hate how lately people have CONSTANTLY been demeaning that. And Amanda tried to make me feel better about it earlier and saying how people dont mean it maliciously and that theyre just trying to help and that it’s hard cause I know him so intimately but it still makes me feel bad! like why would you tell someone who you KNOW still cares for this person that you think they’re better than them?

idk.... it makes me feel like some little kid who people think can’t make her own decisions. 

and the toughest part is that nobody seems to understand. hell even MIKE didn’t understand, and he was in the relationship with me. I think what I need in my next relationship isn’t someone who’s going to put me on a pedestal. someone who I feel equal to. I don’t want to be a special fucking snowflake I want to be someone’s partner their EQUAL. I’m not your moon and fucking stars I’m your girlfriend.

idk this has been a tirade of me being tired of other people’s fucking bullshit.

And all this really made me miss him more. I was okay for a few days, but I’ve been starting to miss him again.  I thought being home would be easier because there would be less traces of him, but he’s still floating around in my head. His memories are all over this place too and I can’t shrug them off, but then again I don’t think I really want to anyways

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

12-15 March 2015

So Thursday the 12th I had work which was the usual and after coming home I went to brodie’s to drop some stuff off to him.  It was Mike’s birthday and I had texted him a bit the night before, just wishing him a happy birthday hoping he was doing fun stuff, so I knew he was coing to go out with brodie. I was there around 8 and brodie said mike wouldnt get there until 9 but OF COURSE mike waltzed in early so it was a littler awkward but we were fine. it was pretty funny actually but i just wished him a happy birthday and we hugged and I left.

Jen was working later so I went to the idle later and mike had texted asking if we were okay and saying he might see me at the idle and if that was okay and i said it was. so fast forward and mike brodie and I are sitting at the bar hanging out and drinking like old times.  brodie was kind of annoyed/in awe of how okay mike and I were. Mike and I got to talk about how we both had been doing and taking it and how everything had been. It was really really comforting to know that we are and are going to be okay.  It was a little hard though at time because I kept wanting to hug him or lean in to him and almost calling him darling and honey and stuff.  That was hard and it’s tough knowing I can’t have that physical relationship with him.

Friday morning I had my counseling appointment with my lady at the health center and that was really nice to talk to someone about everything and sort it out. She really understood where I was coming from and I think it was really beneficial to say it all out loud again, because that will help me remember that it happened and not pretend like everythings okay. 

Later friday I had dinner with Jackie and Connor and a bunch of their friends who I did know, but who were very nice. we had basically an orphans dinner with the people who were left on campus and then we went to some girls house and played a fun game fibbage and smoked a bit. Then Saturday I got up, got my stuff together, gave a tour at 1 and then drove home! It was a nice chill night with my parents.

Then today I went to see the local high school’s production of rent with my friend Rebecca who I’ve known since we were 4. for someone who knows the show inside and out, it was very good! it was nice to have lunch and catch up with rebecca. she’s my one friend who we always come back together like no time has passed. it was nice. Then I came home, and my parents and I had dinner and I got them to start watching the unbreakable kimmy schmidt with me! I’d been wanting to watch it and nothing was on tv and so we threw it on and my mom and I REALLY enjoyed it! It’s so hilarious. we’re almost half way through. hopefully we can finish it before i go back.

more tomorrow!!

xxx

[raemots]

10-11 March 2015

Monday (the 9th) was overall a very nice day, but I got really upset and anxious about classes and stuff and it just kinda spiraled so that’s why I was so dramatic from the last journal entry.

I haven’t been doing well in my classes, but I’ve been trying to focus on improving my grades for the past few days. I had an accounting quiz today AND a midterm and have been talking to my professors about how I’m doing and how I can improve so it’s been a lot better. 

The weather has been ABSOLUTELY AMAZING LATELY! we even got to open the windows today and turn off the heat. It’s really lifting the funk I’ve been in. I’ve been starting to feel better with the break up. I’ve been connecting so much with my girlfriends and the other people in my life, I’m starting to see the silver lining to all this. I’m doing a lot better than I thought.

Mike and I even casually tweeted each other today. HIs birthday is tomorrow and so as it’s his last day of being 22 I tweeted a taylor swift joke at him. He tweeted back, it was nice.  I think by the time break is over, we’ll be able to have coffee. I’m sad he’s gonna be going back home (downstate home) in april. I wish we could’ve had more time to be friends around these parts, but it’s tough.

I had tea and girl scout cookies tonight, it was nice. 

Life has been calm but a lot of fun. going outside, having coffee with friends, going out for drinks and what not at random times. It’s been good. I’ve been good. I’m gonna be okay.

[raemots]

9 March 2015

this feels like detox

[raemots]

6-8 March 2015

it's been a tough few days. and my apologies for the very drunk journal entry from the other day. Friday the 6th morning Jen and I drove to buffalo and got Matt and made sure to lunch at Duff's before coming back. Once we got home, I got to talk to matt a bit about me and mike and I cried on his shoulder for a bit, which was much needed. we just kinda hung around the house all day and then went to see jen at the idle cause she was working. it was really weird and i was exhausted so we just went home. 

Saturday morning was very chill, it was fun to wake up to a full house (as keith, meg's boyfriend was here and so was kelsey's friend from home) and we went out to breakfast at bank street and it was a lot of fun. then i auditioned int he afternoon for rocky horror and i thought i did really well but i didn't end up getting ANYTHING so as much as im bullshitting telling people "oh im glad i just auditioned" im really upset i didnt get ANYTHING. not even the chorus. fucking awesome. #RejectStageCrew 

then i came back, and kels and jen straightened my hair before i went to dinner with matt and my family. came back and DATE PARTY BEGAN!!! i looked super hot, but i was a bit sad because of mike. and my little sent me a text that she saw mike on the bus on her way here so i freaked out and cried in the bathroom as jen pep talked me. but i didnt have to worry about seeing mike because after finding out i didnt get a call back on top of the break up, i had like 10 of jens jello shots and got put to bed by 11 oclock.

today i was crazy hungover, but finally kicked it by about 4 and played a few drinking games with keith meagan kelsey jen boser and mikey. we even invited in a few random students walking by, who came in a enjoyed a beer. then shit got serious when boser decided to drive back to buffalo drunk. we tried everything we could to get him not to go but it didnt work. i still havent heard back.

AND i just texted mike letting him know about rocky, but really just an excuse to talk to him. it was really nice we caught up on where we are and just chatted. we're definitely gonna be okay. it just hurts a lot right now. 

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

2-5 March 2015

monday the 2nd was really busy, had a lot to do at school. went to work tuesday the 3rd and then went to mikes. after dinner and fooling around we started talking about how we both have felt about us lately.

we broke up. 

we realized it hasn't been good betwee us for a while  and this is better in the long run. im devestated though. ive been switching between numbness and sobbing for 2 days. thats all i have for now, as im too upset to typer. tonight i hung out with brodie then drank with jen and ashleight which was exactly what i needed. it was a lot of fun. but i  miss him so much. i miss him with my whole being. he is my best friend in the world and knows me the best. he is a piece of me. so what do you do when there is a part of you missing. 

i feel itchy and uncomfortable in my skin. i want to step out of my skin and my body and escape. im not going to, but this morning it actually crosed my mind that i could UNDERSTAND how someone would want to cut themselves. I would want to do so myself if it wasn't for my great support system. but i want to escape my physical bodu. i feel trapped and itching to get out. i wish i could unzzip my skin and escape.

i miss him. i want him. i want to be close to him. i want him to know how much i love him. i want to feel free.  i have no idea what im doing. im gonna sleep.

im sorry for the lack of content, but i cant even thinks triaght lately let alone type out my feelings. 

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

26 February - 1 March 2015

It's been a few days but I have an excuse! I've been home in Syracuse for the since the 26th so I've been traveling around. Thursday I went to work per usual, it was a pretty typical day, then I drove home and met up with my parents at the open house of one of their projects, a historic office building that's been turned into apartments. It looks BEAUTIFUL inside, I actually got to measure it with one of their coworkers before construction started. Then we came home and ordered take out from DINOSAUR BBQ :D 

Then the morning of friday the 27th I woke up and got ready and went downtown to do some shopping for a few things I needed so I got a cute romper for the baby shower i went to, a cute sun jump suit thingy (for once summer rolls aorund) and a BEAUTIFUL dress for my akpsi date party which is this coming weekend. Then I had a lovely lunch at funk n waffles (had the jive turkey waffle it is INSANELY GOOD!!) then my parents and i hopped in the car and drove to new jersey and stayed with my dad's best friend from growing up, don and his wife newly, They're awesome and i've always called him my uncle don. we had a nice dinner and chat with them before heading out to hoboken on saturday the 28th for my cousin caroline's BABY SHOWER! she's having a baby boy and im so excited for her! the party was at this INSANELY AMAZING 3 floor townhouse that belonged to a friend of caroline's. it has to have been worth well over a million dollars because like holy shit. I got to see my aunt and uncle and my cousin pete too, who's always been like my brother.

This is all my dad's side of the family who I was very close with growing up because i saw them the most and got along really well,but  I never really get to see them anymore so it was very nice. We drove home last night and conked the fuck out.

today was very chill, i slept in late and my mom made me a fried egg sandwhich and we chilled together before going upstairs to get some work done, her actual work work while I had to study for my accounting seminar exam. then i showered and got to SHAVE my LEGS in a TUB!!! and then after that I went downstairs and made peanut butter oatmeal raisin cookies as my dad started to prepare dinner. for dinner we had steak and mashed potatoes which is my FAVORITE so it was a good day. then i got to snuggle with my mum and it was very lovely:)

more tomorrow and HAPPY MARCH!

xxx

[raemots]

19-25 February

straight up forgot to journal almost half of february. it's fine.

I've been okay... the 19th I had a finance test that I THOUGHT I did well on but ended up getting a 67 on so that's good I guess. I also had a normal day at work and came back to geneseo.  Friday I didn't have to work, but Mike did end up coming over and we had a really fun dinner with a BUNCH of old friends. Maddy made dinner for me mike keenan erin and brodie at brodie's place.  I also got to see johannah very briefly. then afterwards a bunch of us went out to the idle for some drinks and it was LOADS of fun. then at the end of the night mike unloaded a bunch on me about being really unhappy where he is and feeling restless and kind of wanting to go back home for awhile before moving maybe out of state. it was a lot for me to take in but it was really nice that he felt safe enough so share how scared he was. it seems that he's really unhappy here in rochester, which I don't blame him for.  I know it's not me and it's not that I don't make him happy.  He's not enjoying life, but the idea that he wants to move out of state scares me shitless.  I really don't want to lose him. We couldn't do long distance like that. I'm just terrified of the idea of living without him. I'm not sure.

BUT Saturday morning was AMAZING because mike and I had a nice old morning delight and had some really great sex.  I cried in the middle of it (happy tears), btu I've been crying a lot randomly as I just started the NuvaRing, so my body is adjusting to the lower hormone dose. 

Mike went home later that day, and I'm pretty sure Jen and I spent the rest of the day on the couch and I went to erin's acapella concert and I made stuffed peppers for dinner!! they were delicious. we also did the same lazy thing on Sunday. Tarzan was on tv on Sunday so I watched that while jen napped and then despicable me was on so jen watched that and I got some work done. Then we watched the oscars! it was a very dull day. 

monday was pretty dull, not gonna lie. tuesday the 24th I actually went to work because I made the ultimate decision to change my schedule to tuesdays and thursdays so now I don't have to skip my friday class. then i stayed the night at mike's and we talked a bit more about where we're at (mostly where he's at) and it was really great, we're on the same page and he's SO happy that I'm so understanding of where he's coming from. We ate dinner that he made and then watched the finale of agent carter which was good! then later I had a craving for ice cream so we went to the gas station and got ben & jerrys and bagel bites. its the simple things :)

I'm actually not feeling super talkative today about the more serious stuff because I had a great meeting at the counseling center at school today with the same lady I spoke to last year.  It was really nice, but I already vented all this to her (through tears I might add) so this is just regurgitation I suppose. 

I'll get better about doing this more often I swear :)

more tomorrow

xxx

[raemots]

16-18 February 2015

it did not feel like 3 days, damn.

Monday the 16th I bought tickets to the ed sheeran show in June and im SO FUCKING EXCITED OMG!!! I'm going with ashleigh and emily and we're on the lawn and im so pumped omg its gonna be amazing. That was pretty much the only exciting thing about monday...

Yesterday I had class, I gave a tour that went really well and then mike came over!! We went grocery shopping and he made me dinner :) he found a recipe for chicken parm on the wegmans app and he made it for me with really nice ingredients and it was SOO delicious! then we went to trivia with brodie and lauren it was a lot of fun i was really happy.

this morning i was supposed to go to class but mike and i wanted to fool around and the "should i shouldnt i" stressed me out so much i started crying from anxiety and ended up not even being able to go to class so mike calmed me down, gave me a back rub, then we fooled around a bit which was nice. sex life is still wobbly but we havent been able to see each other that much recently. After class I made an appointment at the counseling center on campus for next week which should be helpful.  I've started to take a downturn lately emotionally so I really need to talk to someone. Then I actually went to the library and did homework for the rest of the afternoon.

ALSO my mom said i could apply to the cork study abroad!!! so i started that and its a LONG FUCKING application but im super excited and nervous and aaahhh! i just really want to go it would be so much fun

i studied finance for the rest of the night cause i have a test tomorrow, which speaking of i should get to bed!

more tomorrow

xxx