Feeling those tiny cat paws press on her chest made the woman tense a bit, but as she felt the claws dig in encouraging her to stay she let her muscles relax. The gentle breeze felt nice, everything about this situation felt nice except THIS topic. Why did it have to be this topic, it was complicated and messy. Soi Fon let her back and shoulders press against the ground which let her overworked body pop in a satisfying way. When was the last time she had taken a break?
The former student listened intently, her inner walls crashing down all around them. A softer expression made its way onto her face and she looked akin to a scolded child once more. Had they ever really just sat and talked before? Soi Fon couldn’t remember, except maybe those nights where they trained so many years ago. Life was much different then, her feelings were different then.
“I have a fine relationship with Suzumebachi.”, there was a pause as she thought about it, “Well our personalities kind of clash, but I wouldn’t go as far and say I don’t need her.” There was always part of her that felt like Suzumebachi didn’t fit her, but part of her also loved and cared for her zanpakuto deeply. They belonged together, just like any shinigami and zanpakuto.
She hummed a bit in thought before hearing Yoruichi ask if she saw this part of herself as UGLY, she couldn’t help except laugh at the idea. It was a soft genuine laugh, nobody had ever asked Soi Fon if she felt ugly pretty or indifferent. She was a warrior, not a lady.
“Ugly huh? That’s a new one Lady Yoruichi, I don’t really think about aesthetics very often.”, she calmed her laughter before looking up at that serious gaze, “Oh. You’re being serious.” Silver eyes shifted to the sky past the feline and beyond, she let her head relax in the grass taking a deep breath.
“I had five older brothers growing up, I was the youngest of six. The only thing I’ve ever known is well…the militia. It has been in my blood since I was born, I remember the first time I ever thought something was truly beautiful is when I saw you. You were as bright as the sun and as radiant as the moon, a goddess to a child like me. I worshipped you for so long, then…”
Her voice got caught in her throat but she took a breath and kept going.
“After you left, I hated you. I cursed you, I wanted to surpass you. The things I did to surpass you, to push myself to the limits and beyond. To keep the honor I had vowed my life to from birth, the pride I had abandoned my birth name for. Soi Fon was my great-grandmother, I took her code name and I swore to myself then and then again when you left that I’d never let myself disappoint or tarnish that vow again. If you abandoned everything, then I would step up and take all your responsibility. It’s what I was born for.”
It was a pride thing, it had always been a pride thing. An honor bound in blood and scrubbed into her brain since before she was even born. Where Yoruichi had chosen her freedom, Soi Fon had chosen the chains. Her Bankai was a disgrace to her honor, to her name, to everything she had worked her whole life for.
Ah, she supposed the change of topic had been inevitable. Feet tuck under small body as she lays upon chest, ears twitching against the breeze which played against glossy fur. This had been coming, and whilst Yoruichi did not yet see the connection all roads seem to lead here for Soi Fon. It would be a disgrace to them both to dismiss it, wounding Soi Fon deeply and doing her a grave disservice. Instead she listens as long as once student wishes to speak, quiet against the truths she is being offered.
Quiet, at least, until Soi Fon stopped.
“I did not abandon ‘everything’. You were a child, one who knew so little of life and it would have been cruel of me to take you with me no matter my own feelings or yours.” Yoruichi knows well it had been devastating to Soi Fon, but to say goodbye would have meant to be followed and Yoruichi could not permit Soi Fon to destroy her life also. Perhaps it should have been younger’s choice to make, but Shihoin would stand by her choice unwavering. It had been the right thing to do, even if it had hurt.
“You misunderstand what I did and why. I did my duty, though it appears even now others do not see it as such.” Heavy sigh escapes feline form, tail swishing back and forth against woman under her. “However what I did and did not do is not the question here, I cannot change my actions and nor would I.”
Perhaps it is here that Yoruichi sees clearly what she had always known; had watched in the way young child had fawned over her, lost lamb looking for a light to cling to. “If that is all you were born for then you must learn to be more and live for yourself. Live to be happy. We are all born for a purpose, however that purpose should never define who we choose to be. We are not unfeeling machines.” No matter what this system they lived in had tried to tell them.