rain

i don't wanna die sometimes wish i'd never been born at all

[rainsrecords]

He's soooo cute

[rainsrecords]

you're telling me there's only 12 episodes😭???? And i have to wait a whole week until i find out what he does after he finds out??absolute torture i was not built for this

[rainsrecords]

How could I ever confide all of me and all of you in the little moon?

[rainsrecords]

"do you know why people have different faces?"

"so they can live different lives." "live the life you wish to live, ha-eun. thats my dream"

[rainsrecords]

"Tell me I'm your favorite person. Please"

"I have realized favorite people don't change. You were my favorite person. And no matter what happened. You're still my favorite person. I don't think that will ever change. So, just never leave me okay? It isn't a great thing to be strangers with your favorite person. Okay?"

Exactly a month later-we became strangers. I become surer everyday that you have forgotten this conversation even existed. And that is fine. I hope I will one day too.

[rainsrecords]

as i sat by the table facing the blank walls, it had been 5 hours already.

5 hours since id forced myself to wake up and live another day, yet again.

i sometimes gaze across the room searching for her face, and its never her looking at me.

i have realized nothing about this world is permanent. / locked behind my own heart, is a real smile that will never show itself to the world ever again.

i always thought happiness wasn’t for me. Growing up, it slowly changed into what i now believe a dark cloud that follows me everywhere. becoming a part of who i am, is my grief. its my sorrow. its my inability to do what i know is right.

my entire life, i haven’t had permanence with anyone. whenever i become friends with someone, they never last. it’s a never-ending cycle of me realizing happiness isn’t for me.

when i first became friends with sreeja, I thought i had found the one person who would break my laws about permanence.

it was so different this time on, but you soon realize, you were right all along.

i know I’ll be fine without her, but all i do is write about her. How did i lose a friend i never had?

so to my ex best friend,

i really hoped you’d stay till the end.

i have realized happiness wasn’t our story.

i have also realized we were both right. every person we call “best friend” is never ours. tragedy has left to us being left out of each other’s lives.

i go hell and beyond these days wondering if you remember me, and the nights we spent on my terrace writing songs together. it was just us. with the world. for the first time, the world was ours.

in the end, you realize again, happiness was never meant for you. it would always come to you for a short period, linger around because it felt bad, and leave again.

happiness was never meant for you. there are certain words that wait the arrival of other words, to have meaning. like for every “why” awaits a “because”. whenever i am struck with the word “belonging” i long a feeling of home i will never get.

i remain waiting for trains that will never come.

i like being specific.

i wish i could remember specific details about every day. Specification means i have clarity. it means i am certain i will go down, but i am okay. i’ll be okay.

i think about how i describe my heart. heavy. holding me down. holding me so down I might be in hell. i don’t think i’m capable or fighting it, as uncertainty always carves up my future.

[rainsrecords]

"ill be the only dream you see"

[beatricethexv]

a letter to my ex-best friend

to my ex-best friend

not a lover

yet knew me more than anyone else could

sharer of secrets and spells

catcher of laughter and heartbreak

I was honored to have grown with you

from little children on the playground

to women finding their paths

I wish we didn’t break each other’s hearts

I wish we still talked

I wish for more than seeing your life in photographs

yet this is all I have

memories of the past

photographs of the present

& unknowns of the future

someone who would’ve been my bridesmaid

now

I’m not even invited to your wedding

fuck.

I know how to move on when a boy breaks my heart

but how do you move on when a soulmate does?

who do I turn to for advice and love?

who must I turn to when no one else in the world understands 

& you somehow always understood?

we do not speak any longer

childish games we played 

at twenty

when our hearts were too fragile to know what we were playing for

too naïve to know what we were about to lose

I am now the folklore of your past

a story passed down to your future children when they ask you about your first love

& your first heartbreak

when they wonder about the girl in the photographs you placed so delicately in your scrapbooks

when you were surrounded by soccer moms in PTA meetings

the blonde haired woman you somehow couldn’t write in the byline of your tales

yet

you learned so much from me

as I you

now we venture off into the world with no one to call home

no one to call

no one

but plastic suburban women you will be surrounded by 

as you fit right into the cookie cutter 

so perfectly 

because I wasn’t there to dare you to dream of more than what your mom was

& I will live my gypsy life

plating flowers on the paths I create

becoming the hurricane I always knew I would be 

out of control

because you weren’t there to dare me to be anything more stable than the home I grew up in

[rainsrecords]

 I like waking up and having a good day, and I think I’ve learned to be used to the days that aren’t good too. I like certain songs people are sick of hearing. I think it describes who I am. People getting bored of a song doesn’t decrease it value, it shouldn’t. I sit for hours among my peers, just silent. Its not that I am good at paying attention and not getting in trouble. I just don’t have things I can talk about with anyone. Once in a while someone will ask me if I’m okay, I’ve learned to say “yes” to everything my whole life. How could I possibly be not okay? I cry on my way back home every night. I don’t know why. I don’t see kindness in these walls anymore. I had dreams as a child. I don’t dream. Dreaming is out of reach for a person that doesn’t know how long they are going to be living. I put excuses when it comes to bonding with my classmates. I stand up against the basketball ring pole at the end gate of my school, and look at the trees. Life feels calm, for some time. The air seems to play with the orange leaves. The roads I walk on across from old schools, often abandoned ones, I like the way I sigh looking at them. Another thing ruined by mankind. I have lost touch with everyone. I see her wanting to talk to me, but I don’t go up to her, I don’t know why. I just don’t. Life is so confusing.

[rainsrecords]

it was 5.10 p.m. on a wednesday evening. It was normal for me be listening to music that time of the day, because well music drowns out everything in my life away from me. And I thought, of people who ive had to lose to continue living this way. It was my ex bestfriend’s birthday. As my coffee got colder, I thought if I should text her.

“hey-” “happy birthday !”

The cursor had been blinking for a while now. I kept staring into the empty void that filled my thoughts whenever I thought of her. my whole image of her, it was a blur. We had been best friends for 3 years. I still- still cant tell if she hates me or not. I cant tell if she actually listened to the songs I sent her. if she hated my presence, nothing. Her eyes were introverted too, it seemed.

10.40 pm. I did it. I sent the message. I texted her. I went on to scroll through old texts. It is so hard for me to cut off people.

‘it was hard for me. I has been for a while now’.

[rainsrecords]

cause im still waiting for us~

[jimmysea]

Antoine de Saint Exupéry, The Little Prince

Soon Woo Hyung as KANG SEO JOON & Kim Kang Min as HAN JI WOO TO MY STAR 2: OUR UNTOLD STORIES (2022) dir. Hwang Da Seul

[rainsrecords]

For years.

My scars lie dormant. The one on my back.

The one that crawls back to the only person who ever showed kindness to me.

I lost him.

Been called a demon all my life.

The one who killed his brother.

I rest at a place I had scars engraved on my skin.

I forget the color of my bedroom walls.

I hate everyone in this world but you.

We slow dance in the kitchen,

Come home late from parties.

I haven’t been this alive in a long time.

I don’t care if the world falls apart

As long as I have you.

Coming home to you.

Every day.

Knowing I will be at peace at last gets me through it.

You touched my scars.

Showed kindness.

Something I haven’t seen in people’s eyes.

For years.

All I wish for is you. How did time go by so fast?

My beloved, I hate everyone in this world but you.

I forgive the world everyday because it has you.

I have so much to say to you.

But all I say is “Sleep well.” “Take care”

“Eat well.”

I am pleased with life just the way it is.

I wouldn’t change a bit.

And I know, I could never trade a 1000 lives for the one I have with you.

God, who knew I would find comfort in the color of your dreamy brown eyes.

[rainsrecords]

I’ve been listening to your favorite song a lot today

Its worse now.

I try to find pieces of you left in it.

The only touch I have with you now is the picture of us from 3 years ago.

I was laughing like an idiot. There was a spark in your eyes.

You’ve got something I miss these nights.

I took an oath. About 6 months ago never to listen to your favorite song ever again.

I don’t miss you. I just pass by you in halls hoping I can have one word with you.

 Maybe tell you how your hair suits you, or the way you tuck your sweaters, or your handwriting, the way you paint, the way you look at life.

I wish I could forget the parts of youth I wasted on you.

I spend all my days trying to forget your face.

The air likes to play with your hair as you wave goodbye to your friends at the school gate.

Friends.

I wait for you in line as if I will talk to you.

I regret meeting you.

[rainsrecords]

when i was younger, she was my everything. even if i never said anything, she meaned the world to me. she still does. i have kept doing unforgivable things ever since i can remember, and she forgived me.

i dont know what it is with me, i can never apologize,, thats my mind playing games with me. what have i ever done for her? nothing worth recognizing, even right now, im just creating an inconvenience for her. all i do is put her through trouble, but she unseemingly goes through it.

why is it that i can never apologize? what is this sense of pride in myself if i cant even hold onto people i care about the most. i always take everyone in my life for granted.

im sorry, even if ur not reading this, becsuse if you were, i probably wouldnt be saying it. im sorry for the way i treat you. you dont deserve it. man, i canr bear to see u always go through the same pain everytime. i wish i didnt exist sometimes, ur life wldnt be that hard if i wasnt here.

everything that you eevr want, these small dreams and hope u have, i feel it inside myself while destroying everything.

maybe ill regret meeting you one day. i still kind of do. i wish i never hurt you like that. and if i could go back to the beginning, id leave you alone. i wish we never met. even if i still remember the time sun shined onto ur eyes. u r the most beautiful.

rainy gloomy days but we would spend it laughing. we were running in the rain, best time of my life, worst time of yours. i wish it wasnt like that, i wish we werent like this.

now we pass through eachother in hallways, like strangers. i still get nervous when u walk into the room, but i act like i dont care because its the best for both of us. and i dont care, i just dont want you to be hurt.

[rainsrecords]

Waking up to the sound of your mom crying isn’t the best feeling ever. I can’t even look at myself anymore. Who have I become? I bury everything inside of me and it’s killing me slowly. I keep awaiting a time I know will never come. And having these irrational dreams keep me alive. When something that will never happen keeps you alive, life becomes your biggest enemy. I keep hearing cries and screams of a miserable girl from the future. My mind makes me think that person is me. March is just like it was since I last remembered it. The same cold, burning and pathetic month it always was. It’s so hard trying to be alive. I can’t even call the place I live in everyday home. My own world crashes down on the same shoulders that built it. I have no place left to call home, to rest my head in peace. I get through every day with a mask on my face that hides my scars. Scars that can’t be seen. But they’re still there. Darkness has become so scary. I don’t even know how long I have to tolerate this desperate insufferable life of mine awaiting it to come to an end. I’m so clueless about the future. I make everyone laugh everyday whilst holding back tears. It’s so hard to control them these days. I wish I never met myself. I hope I don’t get the curse of life ever again. My plans for the future? I’m not even sure if I’ll be alive. It’s getting too much hold in. I want to get out of this despondent hellhole. I can’t take it anymore. No one caring doesn’t make it any better. I can't even look at a mirror and not get absolutely horrified at my reflection. Who have I become? Why do I look like this? People are so different now from what I imagined as a kid. Time moving so fast makes me so terrified of what is to come. I feel like I have no time left to do anything, and I’ll keep being this disappointment I have always been.

[rainsrecords]

I will never understand why every person we are always so close to drifts away from us.

I don’t blame them, or myself.

I sometimes have the sudden thought of them.

I’ll read the old texts.

Eh, most of the conversations were one sided.

I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.

I am slowly forgetting the colour of your eyes.

I still remember sitting on the bench right by the second last window in class.

I was writing a song, as usual.

It was raining.

You were crying.

I remember cursing on her for treating you that way.

I still hate her, and the fact that you still like that son of a bitch.

I was too clueless, my love.

I have a very faded memory of all of it.

I just remember it as I go on with the hell of a life I live.

I was so clueless we would stop talking.

Had a fight in the playground of our school.

I won’t apologize.

I would go back to that day though.

I look at the old paintings we made together.

It makes me so numb looking at it.

My head hurts.

The sky was this specific shade of blue. It looked gloomy.

I love the gloomy days.

What do you do when you want do text them, but you have no courage to do so?

My pride consumes every part of me trying to talk to you.

Life is flying by and you’re no longer a part of it.

 I am slowly forgetting the taste of your favourite food.

You no longer know the colour of my bedroom walls.

I’m sorry. People grow apart, I know.

The only touch I have left with you is your stories and posts.

It’s okay though, I will move on.

And forget this bit of life in a glimpse.