It's amazing how the people you love can disappoint you, make you feel inadequate and make you feel so alone in a short span of time.
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@rainydaysandsunsets
It's amazing how the people you love can disappoint you, make you feel inadequate and make you feel so alone in a short span of time.
the creation
I keep telling people that working in this job made me want to create.
It started small. It started with cakes and pastries, making life sweeter every day. Then it was painting, and that one stayed for a while. Some days were good--watercolor landscapes in bright hues, things I could understand and put a name to. Other days were frustrating, and I only had irregular swirls of color making no sense.
After the painting came the redecorating. Suddenly, everything was a project. DIY shelves for knicknacks. Repainting a shoe closet interior. Upcycling clothes. Moving furniture. Looking for accent pieces and fixtures. Eventually it came to a point where I spent more time adding to my inspiration board than actually making anything.
It was easy to get suckered into the colors. It was easy to want to make something new, to shop for supplies and figure out how to put something together.
I keep telling people that working in this job made me want to create.Â
I lied.Â
The truth is, had the urge to create when I realized I couldn't love you anymore. The truth is, I spent time (more time than I'd care to admit) creating our future in my mind. In my mind, this was the best thing I'd ever made--the most vibrant, the most perfect, the most everything, until reality pointed out to me the biggest flaw in my work: it wasn't real. Or maybe some of it was. Just not the important parts.
And you made me feel like those incoherent watercolor paintings. You made me feel like those unfinished projects. There were no concrete steps to make that picture in my head materialize. I finally realized that for the life of me, I didn't know how to put you and me together.
So now I make things I can hold and see. Tangible things that tell me this exists, this is going somewhere, that I am not wasting my love. When I create now, I know that there is going to be a result and it makes me feel safe. I fill my life with paint and projects and things to share, but this time there's the hope that I get better and better at creating so that I get better and better at knowing what is real--when the time comes.
(You can't lose something you never had. So why miss the memory of something that didn't exist?)
Life Lessons: Let the world break your heart.
It's that time of the year when Facebook is once again full of Finallys and We Made It's. Every other person on my feed has changed their profile picture to their graduation photo. Half of them are graduating in a few days' time. Half of them are remembering.
 It may be so strange for others to watch us mark the passing of time by looking back on a photo that is supposed to sum up our entire college experience. When I look at my own made-up face and careful smile, I always wonder--what was I thinking then? Why do I even want to remember? Why do we all want to remember?
 But we can't help it. It's as if life is sayingâremember that time you finally decided to become an adult?
 Because we didn't decide, not really. You never really decide to become an adult. You just realize one day that you are one.
 When you're at this stage, at the cusp of graduation, when everything seems so full of promise and wonder, you won't understand what I mean by this. The world is reeling you in with rose-tinted glasses. Everything is new and fresh and this recent victory propels you forward, and this is a wonderful time so savor it while it's there.
 It's only been three years since I left the hallowed halls of my alma mater, but the three years may as well be the Grand Canyon for all the distance it has put between March 28, 2011 me and March 28, 2014 me. A lot has happened in this time, and that doesn't really matter because that is a story for another day and this is what I want to say:
 Whatever you do, let the real world break your heart. Because (trust me on this one) it really will. Whether it's by way of a job you thought you loved but grew to hate, an unfortunate circumstance which made you rethink the path you needed to take to get to your dreams, or just a personal problem that seems too much to bear. Let the world break your heart because itâs only then that you put on the big-girl pants and learn the hardest lessons they canât teach you by way of a quiz.
 If itâs akin to a relationship, there are times when holding on is the stupidest thing to do because it will just trap you in a vicious cycle of hoping and sacrificing without solving anything. So when life breaks your heart, break down and cry, but remember to get up and move on because there are always better things ahead. You accept the love you think you deserve. Itâs hard to walk away from something youâve invested so much in, but remember that sometimes you deserve better, and itâs not where you currently are. Itâs okay to change. And itâs okay to realize that you want different things. When you walk away, you see things differently and youâll be glad for the perspective.
 This kind of pain is part of growing up and it demands to be felt. If you choose to pretend it doesn't exist, you learn nothing. If you complain about pain and still do nothing about it, you still learn nothing. You will get where you need to be. Maybe not at the same pace as everyone else, but not if you donât allow yourself the courage to tryâand this courage entails some pretty hard decisions to make at times.
 I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer though. Of course life is going to be full of wonderful surprises. There's so much color in this world, so much to experience, and the universe has this funny way of nudging you where you should go. So remember to listen.
 But it will be like this each year, a reminder of the one giant leap forward by way of toga and diploma, but then after that, it's baby steps in finding our place in the world.
 Perhaps thatâs why I want to remember. Perspective. Because 19-year old me didnât know what failure meant, what real risks and sacrifice meant. But I do know now, and I believe Iâm a much better person for it.
 To Batch 2014, Happy Graduation! Please donât enter the workforce immediately. To my batchmates, Happy Anniversary. How's the real world been treating you?
Making memories
I've been a pretty bad blogger these past couple of months, if you don't count Twitter, Instagram or Facebook. My backlog is bursting, yet one thing seems to keep happening after the other that I can't get to working on it right away--if we've had a conversation in the past couple of months, you'd know why.
Truth is, I want to get 2013 over and done with. To be fair, it started out well, albeit a few minor hiccups here and there. Then July came around and it all started to go downhill from there. I don't know. A friend of mine once said that life has a way of steering you to where you're supposed to go. It won't come to you instantly; rather, it'll be a series of things that will make you realize that what makes you happy and what is right one year may not necessarily be the same for the next year.
In 2013, I had to let go of, among other things, a job I loved very much, working with a team I love very much, to make room and make time for my family. I don't need to go into details, but this year, life taught me that when you're at your absolute lowest point, you feel unloved, and you feel like there can't be anything more that would go wrong, there will always be someone who will be there for you to guide you and make you smile and regain your sanity. If you're lucky, like I am, you'll have a whole bunch of these people.
It's safe to say we lost quite a bit this year, but if we're talking about things of value, then in 2013, I found out I have some of the most priceless relationships in the world. :)
In an effort to keep things positive, closing the book on this year, and only carrying the good over to the next. All I will think of are good things and great memories, the top three being:
My Birthday- This goes without saying. Just thinking about it makes me smile. :) This was the day I realized that I am absolutely lucky to be loved. Maybe by not a lot of people, but certainly the right ones. :)
Cebu trip with Issa- This was my first trip without my family or any parental supervision (yet we still managed to act like lolas). Those four days with Issa were amazing, and travelling teaches you so much--resourcefulness, spontaneity, and the need to keep your phone down, lie on the beach, drink in the sun and just live.
Tali- It was a lot of things: the company of great friends, good food, but what sticks out was lying on the couch that evening, listening to the crickets chirping outside, Mean Girls playing inside, and thinking about my life in that moment of half-sleepiness. It truly felt like a dream, and I don't recall any other time being ever so content with the world.
There are certainly much much more to mention, many of them just random dates and moments with friends and family, and I think it's a mark of maturity that I don't need much to have a great time, that I can appreciate simple moments as those. It's a good feeling to be reminded of what's really important.
People talk about choosing words that they would like to keep to heart for the year ahead. I'm hard-pressed just choosing one word, so I'm choosing three: faith, goal, and time. I think my faith has been tested and made stronger in 2013 and will only do so in the coming year. In 2014, I would like to finally, finally set goals and seriously make a timeframe to meet them. And time--well, I want to take more moments to breathe. Life isn't a rat race. When I'm older, I won't want to remember all the time I spent at my desk, I'll want to remember all the times I spent making memories that matter, with people who matter. :)
So, 2013, thanks for everything, but it's time to move forward. Cheers everyone! Hope you have an awesome New Year.
(Image c/o Reuters)
ââââââââââââââââ-
Disasters reveal both the best and the worst in people. And no disaster has brought out both sides more than Typhoon Haiyan.
It is Day Seven of the national governmentâs response, and we see that distribution of much-needed aid has finally started to move forward in the last day or two. The centres of attention: Leyte and Samar provinces in eastern Visayas. Tacloban City, considered to be the typhoonâs âGround Zeroâ, is in the former.
It is already Day Seven of the national governmentâs response, and despite relief already trickling in, many are still hungry, tired and desperate. On November 13, a press conference was called, and in it, Secretary to the Cabinet Rene Almendras announced the creation of an action plan for wide-scale relief operations. That was two days ago. Survivors have gone hungry for five days since Haiyan struck. Many survivors had already resorted to looting.
This is why so many are outraged: When government, which should have been the first responders, inspiration and initiator in operations like this, has to be prodded, pressured, even nagged by international media and the citizens it has pledged to serve. When certain government officials, which the people expect to act with a sense of urgency, resort to spin tactics. When these same officials show their lack of coordination in the inconsistencies of their statements.
But this outrage is also what has polarised the Filipino people. It has divided us into those that âsupportâ, and those that âoppose.â Two opposite ends of the spectrum creating a huge, jagged tear in the fabric of bayanihan and pagkakaisa that we pride ourselves in.Â
The question is how can we meet in the middle and mend the rift?
First, we state the facts. Thereâs no denying them: The country just weathered one of the worst storms in recorded history. Everyone was caught unawares as to the extent of Typhoon Haiyan. EVERYONE. We were blindsided by nature, and when the storm passed, nearly all of the Visayas region was off the grid: no communications, no power, no access.
Even Interior Sec. Roxas and Defence Sec. Gazmin, who were transported to Eastern Visayas to monitor the storm, were temporarily off the grid as cellphone reception was totally knocked out. Even the mayors of Tacloban, Guiuan, Hernani and God knows where else became victims, themselves. Reports say many towns were 90 to 100 percent destroyed; the death toll still escalating; the number of missing, including some local officials, still rising.Â
In short, the government was indeed, at that moment, paralysed.
What one end of the spectrum says is that we need to cut them some slack after having been incapacitated for a time. Now, government is moving. It is acting. And it is stretched thin.
They are correct. National government is acting. In all fairness, they have done what they can in the time and with the manpower and resources they have. To give credit where it is due: Social Welfare Sec. Dinky Soliman has remained in Tacloban since Nov. 11, coordinating efforts on the ground. Secs. Gazmin and Roxas were there since Nov. 8. Around a thousand troops and police were deployed to Ground Zero to secure the city amid reports of civil disorder. The Department of Health sent out personnel to take care of the injured. The Metro Manila Development Authority sent 200 volunteers to help in clean up and rescue operations. Even the president must be commended for addressing the nation on the evening of November 7 to prepare. Not to mention the thousands of volunteers DSWD has mobilized. There is also no doubt relief supplies have been prepositioned even before Haiyan hit: that is protocol.
The United Nations and British NGO Oxfam lauded the government for its efforts in disaster response. And a CNN report admits that like the Philippines, the US might not be able to withstand a storm this large.
That is why this side is outraged: When people do not think of the hardships each member of government has been enduring for the past seven days. When all they see are complaints when the government is working as fast as they can and on limited manpower. Â The nation, they say, cannot afford negativity at a time like this because it doesnât help.
The opposite end of the spectrum, however, says government is not doing enough or itâs not doing anything. It is slow. It is uncoordinated. It is unprepared. It tries to spin facts. It hides truths. Itâs more concerned with image and PR than real service.
They also have a point:Â
Since Day Three (Nov. 11), international media reports on the situation of the typhoon victims and the pace of disaster response: Â Their whole reportage was based on observations of the environment and interviews of people on the ground: government officials and survivors alike.
In Tacloban Airport, CNNâs Anderson Cooper reported boxes of relief goods remain stacked one on top of the other. On Yahoo! News, another reporter lamented the absence of coordination and urgency in the capital, where one would expect the base of operations to be: âWe went to what we were told was a major relief staging area at the National Resource Operations Center. No one was there.â
Day Four (Nov. 12), the president skirts a legitimate concern raised by CNNâs Christiane Amanpour: That his administrationâs response to the disaster may very well be his legacy. He harps on over what he said was a grossly disproportionate death toll and divides responsibility between the national and local government, the latter having already been rendered incapacitated. On Day Five (Nov. 13), Sec. Almendras says they have just finalized an action planâŚFive days after Haiyan hit. On international TV, Sec. Mar Roxas fails to dodge a question posed to him by CNNâs Andrew Stevens: âItâs not the same dead body.â Roxas struggled to find words as he tried to spin his way out of the web.
On Day Six (Nov. 14), the Palace admits huge lapses and announces PNoy will personally take over the reins of the operation amid growing criticism. On November 15, Roxas admits the backlog in distribution was due to impassable roads, essentially refuting what MalacaĂąang said on November 10 that âroads [to Tacloban] are passable.â
All throughout, local media have also been reporting on the dire situation of survivors: on how aid, until recently, was just a trickle. On how the body count continues to rise. Local media have tried to analyse and make sense of the pace of relief response from multiple angles. Again, the reportage is based on interviews of people on the ground.
In Roxas City, Capiz, away from media attention, a top local government official has resorted to contacting a private citizen, an acquaintance, because little or no help is coming to the city. This from a friend who shall remain anonymous. This same friend is helping out in relief operations for the city.
To say, therefore, that this other side of the spectrum does nothing but spread negativity is a generalisation. They have asked the hard questions and have not received straight answers. They can, like those who âsupportâ, still sympathise with the survivors. To say that this side does nothing but complain is unfair, because they are helping in any way they can, and they are wary of the pace and outcome of their sacrifice. They are just tired of the spin and excuses.
But the danger for both ends of the spectrum is tunnel vision. âSupportâ could lead to a culture of complacency, mediocrity and blind submission. People who âopposeâ could end up cynical, disenchanted and indifferent.Â
The biggest hazard for both, though, is the development of resentment towards people of opposing views. Already, I have seen posts on social media (I have also written a couple, Iâm sorry), calling people out for their supposed negative and critical views or their alleged blind acceptance of what the government shows them. Political biases are showing. Some calling others out: âIf you think you can do a better job, take it.â As if diminishing the otherâs role as a citizen. âIf you donât like it, then leave.â As if judging the otherâs heart for the nation. And still some calling the media overly critical, as if they understand the role of a journalist. Itâs as if we donât live in a democracy, where the right to free speech and press is inherent.
So, how do we mend the rift? We recognise the roles we play, not just in disaster response, but in democracy: To help our countrymen stand, in whatever way we know how. To uplift and rebuild them by offering our time, talents and services. To not grow tired of doing good. To safeguard that which we are working so hard to restore. To thresh out the truth from speculation by asking  the hard questions. To verify information and challenge premises. To be balanced, but firm like watchdogs, on what government is doing or not doing. To not blame or point fingers, but to take governmentâs hand and walk with them. To expose coverups and inefficiencies, but also to give credit where it is due. To not settle for excuses or mediocrity. To be in faith and to act, as well. To trust, but also to put pressure on government, when needed, in order to help them run more efficiently. And it is their duty as well to heed the call of the people because that is their contract with us.Â
Now, some of you may not agree with me, and thatâs okay. We may have our own political biases, but we would end up like the politicians we so despise if we let that get in the way of helping those in need.
It is the end of Day Seven. After being pressured, the government is finally getting its act together. Itâs time for us to do the same. This issue is polarising, and unless we mend this rift, it will tear the nation apart on a day our countrymen in the Visayas need us the most.
This is the thing. In the end, nationalism can either divide us or unite us. And given every single thing that is happening and not happening in the past week, all we really need to urgently do is help our countrymen rise from this tragedy. Help in ways we can, help in ways that make an impact, and help in ways that will be for the greater good.Â
In a matter of hours on Friday, Typhoon Haiyan completely devastated parts of the central Philippines. It was one of the strongest storms ever recorded. The death toll is estimated up to 10,000 with hundreds of thousands more displaced. The country has declared a âstate of calamity.â
To all our...
Different, but the same.
And because it's been a while.Â
On Seasons and the Impermanence of things.
If there's anything I have learned these past few months it's that nothing is permanent.
What made me happy a year ago may not necessarily make me happy tomorrow. There are very few constants in life (the most important ones being faith, family and friends) but the point of life is meaningful impermanence; that is you must learn to let go of things that do not fit to make room for better things. And that when you realize that nothing is permanent, you have an easier time moving on without a heavy heart to other things that also matter.Â
(I don't know why I came here.) The past month and a half has been full of change and underlying sadness. The sadness lasted for a while and it still hits me sometimes, but what turned it all around was the assurance that I made the right decisions.
The way I see it--relating to the impermanence of things and all--life or the universe or God (whichever you believe in, really) has this way of gently guiding you to a better direction. Decisions we make a year ago were right at the time, but times change. These small earthquakes are tiny wake-up calls, asking you to just try to hand over control to a higher power and let it steer you where you will be happy. Or happier.
Anyway, I went through this. And, well, here I am finally understanding the point of it all. It's true what they say--the phases of life, they are seasons. Each of us has our own set of seasons, not similar to anyone else's because that's how life is. We complete a season to move on to the next, and for every priority in life, there is a set season that will let us give it enough time. We can't compare ourselves to anyone else because we don't know what they are going through, but we trust that we will have the seasons we need for all that we need to do.
And it's just... such a light feeling knowing that I took a chance I wasn't sure of but I can look back on everything and know that I was right to close a chapter when I did. It doesn't mean it won't ever be revisited, but more importantly I am going forward and I am writing my story more easily, more freely now.
This is probably the most vague entry I have ever written (for a reason) but I feel compelled to write all of this down. For myself, for closure, for future use, or for someone who might need the same kind of clarity. Lord knows it took another person's insight to make me see that I didn't need to be sad anymore. :) It's amazing how instrumental the people in your life can be.
The subjectivity of touch
The subjectivity of touch is an amazing thing. When a stranger presses up against you in a crowded train, it's a feeling of slight discomfort.
When a masseuse presses her fingers firmly in long strokes on your bare back, you melt in drowsy comfort
When a friend wraps their arms around you, it's the feeling of familiarity and safety. But when he brushes your fingers with his, accidentally, even absently, it's electric. It's terrifying.Â
What Happened
The thing about having a way with words is that there is no shortage of things to write about. Whether it's a basic description of what you had for lunch today, or an insightful opinion piece about national corruption, writing comes naturally as long as you feel your topic and know your direction.Â
Which is why it is weird for me to say that I have been fumbling with this piece in my mind for the past couple of days. I have so many half-written blogs about days out and movies and food in my drafts folder, but this is more important than all those now. This is about family.Â
As a rule, I never write publicly about family. There are a variety of reasons, the major ones being I never know how they might react if they read it, and subsequently, if I did justice to them. It's too personal. They are, after all, what I had before I had anything.Â
But What Happened happened. And you don't emerge from that experience without writing about it.Â
counting
First, you count days.
You count down, from days to hours to minutes. Then it happensâit blissfully happensâand it seems cruel that time should be so fleeting but in an instant, it is over. Then you count up.
You count days. Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. Before you know it, a whole year has passed. Youâre sure that so much has happened in between but all you can remember is the blissful, fleeting moment, so clear as if it happened yesterday.Â
In milestone-ing the milestone, you hold on even though itâs high time for you to let go.Â
God, I missed your laugh. (It's the best sound I have ever heard.)
Adventures: Dumplings in Binondo
Iâll come right out and say it: I love dumplings.
It isnât normal, and Iâm not certain how the obsession started, but ask anyone who knows me and theyâll tell you that 10% of my waking life is spent thinking about these things.
So when Edz invited me out of the blue to go to Binondo for a dumpling run, I was so excited.
Our first stop was Dong Bei, a rather unremarkable place at the end of Yuchengco St. At first glance, it may seem like a passable carinderia in some back alley in China (monobloc furniture and all), but their food is something else entirely.
Dong Beiâs menu is pretty basic. Edz had their xiao long bao (Php 90/ 6 pieces) and I had their pork and kutchay dumplings with shrimp (Php 100/ 10 pieces). One bite, and I was floored.
Dong Beiâs dumplings are so freshâin fact, there will probably be ladies at the next table making them as you eat. Their filling doesn't taste like mystery meat, and itâs so flavorful that you wonât really need any dipping sauces.
After Dong Bei, we headed to Wai Ying on Benavidez St. Wai Ying is possibly one of the more popular Chinese restaurants in the area. How else can you explain having three branches along one street?
It was either Andrew Zimmern or Anthony Bourdain who said that if you are in an unfamiliar place and want to know where all the good food is at, look for the most crowded restaurant.
Wai Ying absolutely deserves this. Edz and I had two orders of amazing hakaw, and a plate of asado/soy chicken rice to share. It was enough for me to declare that I would return and eat properly, once diet and swimsuit season is over.
We also ordered their HK milk tea (for Edz) and the cold coffee (for me). At Php 50 a pop, it was the sort of no-fuss drink that could easily rival the elaborate concoctions of famous coffee shops a few streets over.
Ultimately, that is the kind of food we crave forâcheap, fresh, consistent, satisfying. What I would normally spend for one dish at a certain Chinese restaurant in QC bought us dumplings to our heartsâ content in Binondo.
It seems cruel that one would have to go all the way to Binondo to enjoy this kind of food. Then again, the journey makes half the experience.
Still, I was ecstatic to discover that a branch of Wai Ying recently opened two blocks from where I live. I havenât been there to try it yet, but the knowledge that a basket of the best hakaw this side of the city is now a mere 10 minutes away warms my heart. So. Freaking. Much.
Adventures: Cafe de Seoul
It's no secret how much I love coffee.Â
I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I started loving (then slowly got addicted) to coffee, but I do remember that for the first few years of my addiction, I was basically a Starbucks fiend.Â
Now, however, I enjoy going to other coffee shops (read: those that are not chains) and trying out something new. I'm often left pleasantly surprised.
I've been spending a lot of free afternoons at a new cafe that opened at a condominium across the street from where I live. I wasn't impressed with Cafe de Seoul at first, mainly because my other experience with Korean cafes was Noriter. And I didn't much like the coffee at Noriter--the only thing it had going for it was it's cuteness.
Now, I know this sounds cliche, but when I decided to try something new and thus stepped into the airconditioned comfort of Cafe De Seoul, I ended up taking back my hasty judgement.Â
The first thing that strikes you about this place is how modern and hip it looks. You actually feel like you've stepped into modern Korea. It's not cutesy at all. Everything is light and spacey, from the color of the walls to the blonde wood flooring to the lighting fixtures around the cafe. In a word, I would describe it as refreshing--definitely a welcome change from the dark but cozy atmosphere that tends to be the norm at your nearest chain coffee shop.Â
I know it's kinda late, but Happy Birthday
It is a wonder that Iâm tackling this after a month and a half, exactly.
See, I still canât imagine how it was possible for me to experience the worst day(s) of my life and the happiest night of my life in the exact span of five days.
Well then again, nothing in my life has ever been completely normal, and I guess I better get used to the surprising way things happen to me.
Birthday Wishlist
As Maui reminded me, I have not posted this yet. THE IMPOSSIBLE:
Joe Jonas.Â
Beach weekend with friends who are not tied down by weird schedules.
THE POSSIBLE:
MAC Russian Red LipstickÂ
This baseball shirt from Cotton On (either the dark blue, gray or the purple one), size LÂ
Mint green platform shoes from SM Parisian (Size 9)
Set of Sharpies-- preferably the ones with the double-tip; the purple/green set.Â
Staedtler 24s
This, this, this from Accessorize.Â
Dates with friends