for the longest time, whenever a celebratory or professional athlete passed away, i would feel nothing, and i was fine that. i mean why shouldn’t i? they didn't know me and i really had no idea who they were. but for whatever reason, the recent announcement of mac miller’s passing is sitting me with differently - this seems to have some weight to it, a presence. and the unfortunate part is that its making some shit feelings and thoughts resurface.
yeah, i, i don't want to die. if anything, i want to live forever, or at least as close to it as I can get. oh and also, this summer, sucked. it was fucking miserable. because this is when it really got bad so i spent april to july trying to convince myself things were good. that i was good. but i’m not, wasn’t then and still am not now. i mean for fuck sake, i’m trying to randomly hold back tears at 2 in the morning. the shit of it all, its not one thing, its not just the thought of death or the prospect an afterlife. no, rather its a wonderful fucked up grab-bag of shit. growing older, self-worth and purpose, friendships that i've lost/ruined, deaths of loved ones - past and future, the unknown and so so much more.
i'm slowly coming to the realization that i need to talk to someone. like a real someone. not just a friend, but like a licensed, practitioner someone - but i’m so overwhelmed and lost in the process that i don't know where to start or which way is up... so, i continue to self-prescribe solutions like working more, sleeping less, or occupying my time with Netflix marathons or video games. i gotta get a wrap on this soon though because its starting to really jack with my day-to-day mood and outlook... oh, and for the record, suicide or serious self harm have not been considered.
origamiaround
gamechangershow
titsay
stormborns
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
romaincrisis
