Signing out for a lil because I be mentally ill as fuck boyyy
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Not today Justin
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@ramblingsofabird
Signing out for a lil because I be mentally ill as fuck boyyy
ādamn, I shouldāve taken some and we couldāve cultured it. Bring your own mold.ā
āmy reaction to learning our ice maker is not in service due to being cleaned as it was full of mold
itās weird. why are we eating dinner at 7? I donāt think weāve had dinner before 9 outside of special occasions in like, 5 years
oh to be a duck
I was struggling with the printer today.
Not actually struggling to print things
But the fucking paper of all things.
It needed more paper.
I had a 15 page lab to print out.
I could not, for the life of me, find the blank paper.
I checked everywhere that was reasonable
After all, thereās only so many places thatās reasonable to store printer paper in an office.
Then I checked the unreasonable places.
And I just felt the frustration grow.
I was so angry.
I canāt find the fucking paper. Out of everything. And I canāt ask for help because Iāll just get another tsk tsk and this is why I canāt ever be on my own
And then
I miss home.
This place isnāt home.
I canāt find anything here.
There?
I knew where everything was.
I knew where the paper was stored.
I knew where the floor creaked
And which doors you had to be extra careful closing at night
I was able to survive under the radar
This place isnāt home.
I am not safe
Woke up looking like I fought god.
Moved my shoulder and it cracked.
Not your typical joint cracking - like a single, loud crack.
And hoo boy does it look off. So pretty sure itās fully dislocated.
But I donāt have time to deal with it.
I am, unfortunately, still with us.
I still hurt. I look like I absolutely fought a demon in my sleep.
I had an incredibly odd, disturbing, and realistic dream of my turtle getting dropped and his shell getting broken. Like, pieces came off broken. It is a large fear of mine, especially since they are such good climbers and escape artists - itās not uncommon for turtles to end up with cracked and broken shells because they managed to climb up and out of their tank only to fall to the floor.
Iām going to go feed him some dried shrimp.
I feel so nice and warm n sleep now mmm
Dan barely keep my eyes open
Thank you. Autocorrect for the most part sleeeeeeepyr
Itās no wonder I enjoy being high so much.
Why, when I had to be out or had to drive, would be waiting for when I could finally get home and get high.
Itās because when Iām āa little to the rightā, as I call it, Iām finally not in pain.
I enjoy it for other reasons as well, but that truly is the main one.
Here I am. Crying on the couch at midnight. Iāve been in pain for 2 days straight. Iām out of what Iāve been using and donāt have the cash nor time to get more. I cannot bend at the waist - this includes sitting down. Pure agony.
Iāve taken a left over tramadol. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Anyway I got drunk last night and that at least took the edge off.
I know thereās a million warnings not to drink with tramadol but. Fuck. Whatever. Anything to take the edge off the pain at this point.
Ig if yall donāt hear from me again im either in a coma or dead (and if im in a coma i better be dead within a day bc ive made it very clear that i never want to be kept like that after i was temp paralyzed and forced to be aware while I couldnāt move)
peace yāall but dw im sure ill see you tomorrow those labels always over dramatic as hell
I donāt like going to therapy.
I voluntarily go. Itās completely free. I can send an email right now to the center, never even talking 1 on 1 with the therapist, and cancel my appointment and never return.
Yet, at the end of every session, I tell the same time next Tuesday works.
And I show up.
I donāt hate going because I dislike therapy as a thing.
I hate going because then, hours or days later, I often have realizations that kinda fuck me up for a bit.
I am still that child with the coloring book, asking for help to open their juice while their sibling is mid meltdown.
I am still that child who learned to play quietly, alone, through the chaos.
I am still that child who was left to their own devices as soon as they became competent as the other child demanded more attention.
I am still the child who just wanted my parents approval.
I donāt understand whatās wrong with me
I scare them all away
The one person to want me at the same time wishes she didnāt.
Has said as much.
ā¦..
ā¦.
ā¦
Itās approximately 20 minutes later. Typing the above led to me starting to cry and kinda rage at myself? bc like āoh wow you really are just worthless and shit and youāre an awful personā and all that crap.
but then I had to go look for the cat. so I had to be ok.
so I got up, dried my eyes off, blew my nose, and took a couple hits
now that me that was upset feels like a million years ago and omg that was so silly lol and Iām eating chicken nuggets bc I have the palette of a child while watching a show that really should be tagged with monsterfucker even though itās basically a knockoff Stargate
Anyway.
I do wonder what is wrong with me.
What the common denominator is.
Maybe itās just me. Entirely me.
I find it so funny that now when I feel like offing myself I just get a lil high and in 10 mins Iāve forgotten about it and am vibing to music while eating pretzels
lol wish Iād turned to drugs sooner my life wouldāve been so much easier š āļø I wasnāt even cool enough to fall in with the loser stoner kids. I was just with the loser loser kids.
and thatās why we are funny š
howās that house that raised you?
Itās so strange watching others go about their day normally.
I went to two stores. Went out for a total of 2 hours. And here I am, in bed, in pain from the waist down.
Itās only gotten worse over time.
You know what isnāt fun? Genuinely wondering if Iāll be able to walk in a few years. Maybe earlier.
And Iām supposed to act like I have it all together. Nothing like struggling to do the basic act of walking but ope! Gotta maintain that GPA!
anyway idk something about having your body slowly crumble while you exist within it just
makes you lose faith in your own self
me, high as hell, fighting back greebles in the corner of my vision while trying to show pictures of snek to father: look how cute!
father, attempting to zoom in and moving out of photo into camera roll: (¬_¬) hmmm
my titty pics chilling a single scroll down: (ć»ć»ļ¼)