i have a lot of thoughts

hey lovelies! i mainly use this account to rant/ramble about to different things. //feel free to rant about anything!\\

[ramblingsuggestions]

how can i express the boundlessness of my heart?

you pluck every string in time

i can feel the beating heart of the universe in your smile

your arms wrap around and around again

an armor that i can never shed

no matter what happens

even if your light fades from this world too early

i will never forget being held by you

cemented forever in my soul

[ramblingsuggestions]

each time i bite my tongue

my teeth dig deeper into the fleshy muscle

piercing the skin

blood comes pouring out

seeps in between my teeth

dribbling down my chin

and the cut heals

but never fully

sores grow on my tongue and inner cheeks

filling my mouth with a poisonous sting

and when i do finally decide to open my mouth

a thick sludge fills my throat

until i choke

[ramblingsuggestions]

i screamed until my throat was RAW

and still no one heard a word

[ramblingsuggestions]

i wish people wouldn’t laugh in my face when i share a piece of me

hearing them chuckle at my joys and sorrows and passions and feelings lets me know that i am not taken seriously

i have no depth to them, i am but a player character in the background of their life

they don’t see my breath that fills my lungs with ancient whispers of the oak trees on the shoreline

they can’t understand that tiny atoms explode in my weary limbs, filling my veins with ancient stardust

they can’t see that my anxieties and hopes and triumphs and losses are just as devastating as theirs

that when they look into my eyes they don’t realize that it is but a reflection of themselves

and when they deny me, they deny themselves

[ramblingsuggestions]

I remember that day where you cemented yourself in my heart

The trees glistened a candy like green and lifted us forward with every step

No longer walking but floating through

I had never seen anyone move and speak the way you did

Your smile melted right into me

I was hooked

Everything about you made sense to me

Yes of course you are the person to give every part of myself to

I spilled every detail of my brain onto the floor and you watched with great intent

You words crept their way into my mind and painted beautiful strokes over all the other people in my life

Letters and poems and doodles and strawberry lemonade drowned in vodka

I shared it all with you

Then all of a sudden nothing made sense

You went quiet and his breath stopped

All of a sudden I was a ghost in your life because I was too much

I had the proof that I wasn’t enough

My greatest fears were finally spelled out into the universe

And the cracks began to spread

Everyone I had ever known had grown smaller

An invisible shield surrounded them and their voices became muffled

And the pain never ever left

As much as I hated you, I didn’t

I wanted to delete you from my brain but that was impossible

You are apart of me

And knowing you exist keeps me alive

I see you starting to grow

And owning the damage you caused

I accepted your apologies because I knew they were genuine

But I lied

I will never forgive you

Because even if you try and mend the cracks

They can’t ever fully heal

When I felt the joy crease in my cheeks

Your ears winced at the sound of the sadness pouring out of my mouth

When I felt calm and comfortable in your arms

You felt confused and irritated by my embrace

You showed me I have no control of how others see me

And that destroyed me

[ramblingsuggestions]

the smell of stale incense sinks its teeth into my coffee-stained brain

a dull stabbing pain beats into the brittle bone of my temples

as the sun rises and flushes out another sleepless night.

i bury my head face first into my mattress

and even though the gravity of my exhaustion pulls me further down

my mind stays rooted in this moment

unable to shut out the sunlight that cuts through the blinds

and the dissonant chirps of excited birds ringing in my ears.

i manage to pull myself up onto my elbows but my eyes still droop

wishing that my brain would be quiet and let me fall back into nothing

[ramblingsuggestions]

i remember looking at a picture that my friend took of me and the first thing i noticed was how ugly i looked

but as my friend showed it to me she goes “awww you look so beautiful!”

and i think to myself that she’s just saying that because she’s my friend

then i remember all the times i’ve heard my friends see themselves

and they see a crooked smile

and a big nose

and messy hair

and chubby cheeks

but all i could see

is how their smile curved perfectly into their cheeks

how the happiness carved into the round edges of their face

met wrinkled corners of eyes

like a perfect etching of joy into flesh and bone

and where i saw a large chin

and fat cheeks

and a small smile

and stringy hair

my friend saw a moment of joy

a simple shot of a spirit roaming free

not thinking about looking elegant and perfect

but simply living

i realize all my beautiful friends see themselves the way i see me

but they’re never gonna start seeing themselves the way i see them until i see myself

[ramblingsuggestions]

i am so ugly

so very very ugly

and i don’t mean that i don’t find myself pretty

i think i’m a decently attractive person overall

but there’s this ugliness deep deep down

it lives all the way down in my bones

it seeps out of the spongy marrow and flows into my blood

as its carried to the tips of my fingers and oozes into my brain

i can feel the ugly drip out of my skin and onto the floor

and now it’s everywhere

[ramblingsuggestions]

goodbye to 18

i look up to the stars and they hold me close

as 18 passes away 19 takes her place

all the struggles and confusion and hopelessness fades from light and we start to latch onto the next feeling that comes along

some hope it’s love

or maturity

or openess

or peace

but sometimes it’s a steely hot or suffocating cool

like grief

or jealousy

or aching lonliness

let’s find love

tell them you love them

let’s find maturity

forgive and heal that wound

let’s find openness

let’s choose to let all viewpoints into view and look outside my own heart

let’s find peace

learning to fully embrace and live serenely with every part of me

i am choosing to see not the death of a younger and less broken me

but an upwards growth towards someone younger me craves to be

[ramblingsuggestions]

I am so simple minded I don’t know how to compete with the world

Like I think I’m good at things or I understand or I compete with other people

But I don’t I just don’t

Like I just have no idea what the fuck I’m doing ever

My perception is just so messed

Like sometimes its just brought to my attention just how clueless I am

And I feel like I’m not even in my own body

Maybe I have no depth and complexity

I just don’t understand myself

Maybe my visions don’t add up to anything

Like nothing I think is new or revolutionary

And I’m just irrelevant and unimportant

I guess that’s why the universe has started to comfort me rather than scare me

Like everyone else is just as meaningless and small as I am

So maybe its okay that I don’t have this beautiful complex mind

I’ll find someone to fall in love with my simple shallow self.

[ramblingsuggestions]

a day will come when they will finally all leave. and i really will be alone

[ramblingsuggestions]

i don’t want to go out in a hot bang, i deserve to just fade away, cold and alone

[ramblingsuggestions]

i can feel you fading. i’m reaching out desperately, scrambling to hold on to just a piece of you. but you slip through my fingers like rushing water

[ramblingsuggestions]

my life will never be complete. i’ll always be searching, hungry for more.

[thereecipe-deactivated20181111]

fuck people who ruin others ability to trust again. that shit is evil, and it’s so painful. dont ever do that to anyone

[audreywhovian]

sorry if hating myself is an inconvenience to you, i’ll just keep it to myself

[ramblingsuggestions]

your laugh could melt the hearts of a thousand men