I remember that day where you cemented yourself in my heart
The trees glistened a candy like green and lifted us forward with every step
No longer walking but floating through
I had never seen anyone move and speak the way you did
Your smile melted right into me
Everything about you made sense to me
Yes of course you are the person to give every part of myself to
I spilled every detail of my brain onto the floor and you watched with great intent
You words crept their way into my mind and painted beautiful strokes over all the other people in my life
Letters and poems and doodles and strawberry lemonade drowned in vodka
Then all of a sudden nothing made sense
You went quiet and his breath stopped
All of a sudden I was a ghost in your life because I was too much
I had the proof that I wasn’t enough
My greatest fears were finally spelled out into the universe
And the cracks began to spread
Everyone I had ever known had grown smaller
An invisible shield surrounded them and their voices became muffled
And the pain never ever left
As much as I hated you, I didn’t
I wanted to delete you from my brain but that was impossible
And knowing you exist keeps me alive
I see you starting to grow
And owning the damage you caused
I accepted your apologies because I knew they were genuine
Because even if you try and mend the cracks
They can’t ever fully heal
When I felt the joy crease in my cheeks
Your ears winced at the sound of the sadness pouring out of my mouth
When I felt calm and comfortable in your arms
You felt confused and irritated by my embrace
You showed me I have no control of how others see me