Your Daily Trump Dump

A Trump Joke Every Day Till Inaguation Day 2021.

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

[dicknurse]

my mom is a court reporter and she tells me shit like this daily

[my-name-is-eleven-deactivated20]

LMFAOOOOOOOO

[randomusername4411]

"You have to respect Trump, he's the president!" Say the same Republicans who spent eight years claiming that Obama was a foreign Muslim trying to destroy America.

... If we ever invent Skynet we should upload their personalities into it, to stop it from ever becoming self-aware

[randomusername4411]

Good grief, Donald Trump's Twitter looks like it's bloody written by Gollum.

 "Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don't always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views."

"Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn't these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly."

"No, precious, we likes the nice people, we likes them."

"No, they're stinky, and they say mean things about uses"

[randomusername4411]

Trump Joke 2 of 1,534

People had to buy their drinks at Trump's victory party? If they had to do that at the Democrat party they'd have paid off the national debt by now.

[randomusername4411]

Trump Joke(s) 1 of 1,534

So, just to be clear Mr Trump, the election was still rigged, wasn't it? Cos, if so, I'm all for another one, since I'm fairly certain most of America wouldn't mind a do-over.

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I think the real winner tonight is the liquor store

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"The Canadian immigration website just crashed!"

Fools don't flee north, flee south. There'll be a wall between him and you!

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And now, to finish this night, a short mockery of Trump's victory speech:

“I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all of Americans*”

*Offer not valid for women, LGBT people, people of colour, disabled people, the poor, or the transgendered. Terms and conditions apply, see your doctor if you're not a rich cis white male for information on how to flee the country.

“For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people, I'm reaching out to you for your guidance”

And as one of those people, I will happily guide you through the Oval Office and into the burning trash heap where you belong.

“It is a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds and beliefs, who want and expect our government to serve the people, and serve the people it will.”

The same way Taco Bell serves food that is in theory edible, but is in practice the greatest bowel cleanser known to man.

“At the same time we will get along with all other nations, willing to get along with us. We will be. We will have great relationships. We expect to have great, great relationships.”

The same sort of relationship where its hit a rocky patch and you're not quite ready to break up because they have all your stuff, but at the same time those other countries are looking mighty tempting with all their fair trade deals and proper economic sense.

[sassyelf-mage-deactivated201701]

Just gonna leave this here👏👏

[perks-of-being-a-kuya]

Your Pokemon egg is about to hatch!

Everyone who REBLOGS this will get a Pokemon in their SUBMIT BOX

I PRMOISE I will send a Pokemon to EVERYONE who reblogs this

A randomizer will determine what Pokemon you get.

[randomusername4411]

Wow I can't wait to download Pokemon Go and then send a child to run around the city getting Pokemon for me, because if there's one thing Pokemon taught me it's to get children to do all the leg work

[randomusername4411]

Okay, so do all Hogwarts students get a living room's worth of letters, or is it just a one-off because Dumbledore was bored that week? Cos it'd seem hella inconvenient to have a novel sent to you page by page when one owl on steroids would do.

What was in all those letters anyway, liability papers to protect Hogwarts from the inevitable lawsuits?

[mordecai-put-your-phone-away]

Do not let Tumblr make you think:

That doing drugs makes you cool.

That being rude to your parents is okay

That being straight means you aren't a person

That being controversial all the time is cool and will get you friends

That being blatantly rude to people to get your point across is okay

That being white makes you by default evil

That having a mental illness is cool

That cutting yourself is okay

That being a male means you are a rapist

That all men are evil, misogynistic monsters

That misandry is okay

That doxxing people’s personal information is okay if they said something you don’t like

That tumblr should be your vital source for controversial issues

That school doesn’t matter

That being narcissistic is cute

That making a minor mistake on a post will make the world hate you

That the world is a horrible place

[sarah531-deactivated20180901]

I just realised where Kylo got his name from:

Ky = sKYwalker

Lo = soLO

Ren = literally just his birth name with an R

which means that when he was choosing his super scary Dark Lord name, he just mashed up the surnames of the most positive figures in his life. poor sod can’t even evil right

[taiey]

literally a ‘what is your star wars name’ meme

[paxbe]

2nd two letters of your mother’s last name Last two letters of your father’s last name

1st three letters of your name but with an R

[randomusername4411]

Actually the Ren part comes from Kylo being part of the Knights of Ren, similar to how the Darth in Darth Vader comes from him being a Sith

[saberhand]

this is the 14th fucking day of 2016, and look what has already happened

so, look. the capital city of my country just got kamikaze bombed today. jakarta, indonesia. i live a few hours from there. you know what got bombed? a mall. but the terrorists didn’t just target the entire mall, they specifically targeted American shops. McDonalds, KFC, Starbucks. right after, the terrorists started shooting the police and citizens. The officials speculated that it was ISIS. but you know what?

there is no #prayforjakarta trending in twitter. do you know how my people responded right after the bombs and the shootings? the workers continued working. the drivers continued driving. the cooks continued cooking. we know that this is a terrible and sad event, yet we do not want to remain in the past and retaliate against those who did against us. when paris got bombed, they got global support and coverage. all the first-world countries encouraged paris to bomb syria right back. and they did. obviously, i’m not speaking against paris and the people at all, but i’m just saying that indonesia, a muslim country, got terrorized by ISIS, and even without support of acknowledgement, we managed to mourn and move forward. just that. none of us blamed america (since they specifically targeted american-brand shops), nor syria, since we know that ISIS is NOT syria, which many, many people seem to have forgotten. we blame ISIS. we do not want to blame those who did nothing to us. i myself am catholic, and yet i do not hate any of my muslim friends and fellow citizens. 

i just find it odd that when a first-world white city was bombed, everyone freaked out and told them to bomb syria right back, and yet when a muslim country is bombed, nobody seems to care. 

why is #prayforsyria not trending? why is #prayforjakarta not trending? why is it that when ISIS terrorize muslim countries, everyone seems to turn blind?

and hey, i’m not going to apologize for my bad english. 

#kamitidaktakut

[traegern]

#kamitidaktakut

# we are not afraid

[ndzsv]

Why the fcuk doesn’t this have more notes? Tumblr never ceases to disgust me

[hellfucingshitfuck-deactivated2]

people attacking tumblr users for being gullible as if there WASN’T a national panic when “war of the worlds” was presented on the radio in 1938 because people thought that martians were legitimately attacking

tumblr doesn’t make people more gullible people are just fucking gullible and tumblr is a microblogging platform on which information is easily spread and amplified lay off

[randomusername4411]

But there wasn’t a national panic when “War of the Worlds” was presented on the radio in 1938... That’s just an urban myth that gullible people believe. No one legitimately thought the martians were attacking.

So you’ve kinda just spread misinformation anyway and shown how gullible you are by not checking the facts before posting something. Which, if that was the point, I’d happily admit to being the fool that had to spell the joke out to everyone else.

[enoughinthenarrative-remaking-d]

what the fuck is happening on doctor who

[cctinsleybaxter]

Every time I see news on DW I’m just like ‘Glad I got out of that one.’

[thediggles]

#are you shitting me with this aRE YOU SHITTING ME,WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS TO MY ATTENTION, GOD THE NONSENSE AND FUCKERY THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LOOK AWAY, WOW THANKS FOR REMINDING ME WHY I HAVE FORCED SO MUCH EMOTIONAL DISTANCE BETWEEN ME AND THIS SHOW, WHY WOULD THE DOCTOR BE WEDDED TO HIS ICONIC TOOL WHICH IS A DIRECT AND POWERFUL PIECE OF HIS CHARACTERIZATION, OH MY GOD MOFFAT SUNGLASSES???, SUNGLASSES?!?!?!?!?, DID HE SAY ‘SUNGLASSES ARE COOL’ BECAUSE YOU SO DESPERATELY WANT THEM TO BE?, GENUINELY WHAT THE FUCK THIS WOULD BE MORE LAUGHABLE IF IT WEREN’T SO GALLINGLY IDIOTIC,JESUS CHRIST HE USES A SONIC SCREWDRIVER BECAUSE IT ISN’T A WEAPON IT IS A DIRECT AND CLEAR METAPHOR FOR THE DOCTOR, AND HIS NEED TO FIX TO HELP TO ASSIST TO SUBTLY TWEAK FOR THE BETTER, AND YOU TRADED THAT FOR *SUNGLASSES* MOFFAT, FUCKING SUNGLASSES, SONIC YOUR SUNGLASSES RIGHT UP YOUR ASS JESUS, WHEN THEY’RE LODGED IN YOUR ANUS YOU’LL BE WISHING IT WAS A SONIC SCREWDRIVER INSTEAD. (via absentlyabbie)

[randomusername4411]

Even though the Sonic Sunglasses got destroyed in this episode, making the whining somewhat moot... Also Sonic Sunglasses are great for kids who can’t afford the super-expensive toy screwdrivers, but can afford a $5 pair of sunglasses. I mean to those without as much disposable income the Sonic Sunglasses are cool because they can use any old sunglasses to make it happen, giving them a way of connecting to their hero.

I mean yeah, continue you bellyaching all you want, but considering the amount of kids out there who can’t afford a sonic screwdriver but can afford a pair of sunglasses, you’re denying them the right to play around as the Doctor because you’re slavishly devoting yourself to a canon that already destroyed the Sonic Screwdriver back in the 80s anyway...

[randomusername4411]

So if Pokemon Go is gonna give specific countries specific Pokemon, does that mean poor Canada is stuck with Stantlers and Bidoofs?

[randomusername4411]

Holy crap they're making a sequel to Mary Poppins decades after the classic was originally released and adored. ... If it turns out Mary Poppins was secretly racist the entire time there'll be hell to pay

[randomusername4411]

You know, thanks to Pokemon Go, whenever a trainer locks eyes with me and challenges me to a battle I can finally, finally, tell them to just @#$^ off and leave me in peace.