Mandy heard the doctor behind them, and Randy’s response that somehow appeased something deep within her. To hear that he was taking hold of the situation and somehow protecting both their rights to see Robert, it was a strength she didn’t have despite her ability to be strong and to be demanding. Randy was doing the majority of the work, consoling the inconsolable wife, all the while standing tall as she were about to do the most horrible task any person ever had to go through. The gratefulness she had for him in that single moment could not really escape her lips for she was slowly feeling herself unravel. And it seemed Randy unconciously knew that for he spoke to her softly, holding onto her tightly and making her feel a sense of security and safety.
Whether she wanted to or not, there was business to be done, and Randy held her hand through it all, allowing her to move forward and head over to the table where the man of her dreams lay. She feared what she would see, feared he would look different, worse, or something she had never seen before. Despite being a nurse and having seen dead bodies before, this was entirely different. It brought back bad memories of when she saw her father in his casket, tried to wake him, tried to tell him that she didn’t want to play games anymore.
Squeezing Randy’s hand, she managed to make her way to the table, her feet barely shuffling along. Anytime she found herself getting closer she wanted to turn away and run as fast as her feet and legs would allow, but Jimmy’s best friend was there to prevent that from happening. How glad she was he was there, so she wasn’t alone. So that they both weren’t.
Mandy felt the cold table near her body, and she understood that the moment she opened her closed eyes, she’d lift the blanket and see him. Biting her lower lip so hard she swore she felt the skin slowly tear open from her teeth, she allowed herself a deep breath before opening her eyes to find the form right in front of her.
"Oh god," she said in a hushed whisper, gripping Randy’s hand so tightly she swore she’d break it. Luckily, the doctor who had been nothing but a disturbance moved over to the table and uncovered the body, the white sheet almost the same color as the familiar man underneath. A gasp caught in her throat as she came face-to-face with Rob and his lifeless body.
As she tried to figure out what to do, how to react, Randy was moving, touching the man, laughing slightly and telling him to wake up. Glancing over at him, she reached a hand out and grabbed the dark haired man’s shoulder and squeezed, tears welling in her eyes to the point where they simply spilled out without care.
"Randy, please, don’t." Her voice slightly found a strength, as to snap him out of it, but as she slowly looked to the dead body, she felt everything inside of her completely fall apart. Even that facade she had tried putting on, that fake strength for everyone in the room, even the man on the table.
A noise finally came out of her mouth, a whimper at first, then slowly growing into a full on yell of pain that only a broken and lost soul could exude. Her hand fell away from Randy and she found herself falling over the body that still felt warm. Her hands gripped his naked left shoulder, her face buried in his chest that smelled familiar, that felt familiar. Only hours ago they were together, laughing, smiling, hugging. They had slept together the night before and she could still smell the detergent from their sheets on his skin.
"Oh, god!" She wailed into his chest, her grip on the deceased man growing stronger and stronger. She couldn’t hear him breathing, hear his heart, but most importantly she could no longer feel the link they had. Her heart shattered then, she swore she could hear it reverberate off the walls.
Her ears rang from the crying, the pain that echoed in the empty and cold room that had a heavy dark cloud hovering over everyone inside. How was it possible this had happened to him? Happened to the best man she ever knew? Why wasn’t this her? Why wasn’t the person on the slab someone else? Why wasn’t it Randy?
Leaning up, she looked down lovingly at Robert’s whitening face, lips that were turning blue. Lifting her left hand, she traced her knuckles down the side of his cheek, feeling the stubble of his beard, tears falling onto his face where hers was so close. “Jimmy," she whispered as if he could hear her. Her eyes traced over every curve and crevice, every pock mark and wrinkle.
Her hands moved along his face and to his hair where she ran her hands through it, a gentle smile forming on her face as a memory sprang up. Averting her eyes to the lids that were closed, she cried, speaking to the body. “Remember the first time you came over to my home when I had the flu?" Her eyes bounced from his face and to the hand that kept petting his hair, the memory being explained.
"You jumped over the couch and teased me by pulling the hoodie over my head." A light laugh escaped her lips for a moment, before her face fell and became wrought with pain at the memory. “I ruffled your hair in response, proclaiming my germs were festering there." Shaking her head she closed her eyes as she balled his hair into a fist unwittingly.
"If I only knew then I would be here now, I would have locked you up in my house, not letting you leave me for work. I would have told you then I loved you because I knew I did. I always knew, somehow." Lowering her lips to his cheek, she kissed him multiple times, moving towards his ear.
"Please, don’t do this to me, please? Wake up. Please? Just wake up. Wake up!" Anger slowly started to take over her body as she stood there, touching him, feeling nothing move underneath her hands and body.
"Rob! Wake up! Please! Open your bloody eyes!" With every shaky breath she took, the more angered she became, the more hysterical and irrational she began acting. “Don’t you do this to me!" She bellowed. “Do not leave me alone with Renly! Do not make me do this alone, god damn it!" Leaning up she began to slap his face, screaming at him until she took out her frustration on the wrong man.
Spinning around, with tears in her eyes, she glared at Randy, reaching over and slapping his face, gripping the jacket she wore tightly against her body, gasping for air as she tried to speak. “How did you let this happen? How could you let this happen?" She asked, clenching her jaw tightly before pushing his chest with weak arms, eyes burning holes into his chest.
"You let him down! You let him down! You let me down! You did not save him! How could you do this?" Reaching her hand back, she almost slapped him again, but thought better, somewhere underneath everything she knew it wasn’t his fault, that he could not do anything for anyone.
"I can’t!" She cried, placing the hand on her chest, panting heavily through her hysterics. “I cannot breathe!" Her chest slowly tightened as her throat began to clench closed. “I can’t breathe!" Mandy cried out loudly as her glossy eyes blurred everything around her where she looked in panic. Without an apology for her actions, she reached out for Randy and grabbed his shirt and pulled herself into him and held onto the man tightly, sobbing into his chest.
"What are we going to do!?"
