Passion vs Job
This has been my longest struggle and juggles to balance between passion and my job, as I don't know what I need in both these areas.
I started working in my first company and complained that it was legacy, technologies are not up to the market. But I was recognized well and appreciated well.
I started with second where technology was relevant but I lost interest and motivation to move on. Because I knew no matter how much I do, I would never feel accomplished. I am too ambitious to do hard work and then not see any results after that. I kept on debating whether to start a task or not. This became a habbit. Procrastination started taking over my entire productivity. I was no longer afraid to fail, always had reasons to cover that up. This is a pathetic state I am currently in.
I am trying to figure out to be more passionate. My mind says to come out of whole IT things and start a new journey. That is to write GATE and do MTech in KREC, be a professor. This sounds too good to be true.And again ambitious goal to achieve with current job and having a baby at home etc.
Work vs Job
Whats your work? [ ICU - by Wes Moore]
Identify: Your work is not someone else’s work. This is something which fulfills the need of environment and your passion.
Calcify: Solve issue of your life, Goal should be to end this not start.
Unify: Involve the people for whom you are working
Procrastination
So when you have this passion and dream to achieve bigger, You tend to get so involved in future that you are no more able to do tasks, you can't do small tasks. It seems so pointless to you, this kills self-motivation.
I am going through similar phase past couple of months, I think this place is very familiar to me. Whenever there was no deadline I ended up here. but these days things became so worse that I don't care for the outcome. As I know it never matters how much I put in, my equations with supervisors who keeps changing in my case is never smooth. Just to add to this my hubby is so self-motivated and like a key performer of the company, when we involve in office talk, I see him blaming ppl for not being efficient and not putting their 100%. I feel the guilt deep inside being the simialr person who is no more good. This kills whatever hope I have as the expectations are too high to reach out for.I am not sure how to focus on a task at hand come out clean.
I tried seeing motivational speeches, books they all talk about being successful etc, I feel I am not even close to this. The matter is accepting this fact that I cannot perform and then try improving should be much better approach than putting expectations that you want to be successful, do this that etc.
Accept Failure:
I feel I need to come to terms with my capabilities here,
1. Expecting to work after going home, doing overnight miracles just does not happen.
2. Trying to learn from youtube and ending up with blogs and other ppl's video does not help much.
3. Thinking about weight loss and exercise, a full day even after doing it and eating good does not help. It's a long term goal and takes time, spending so much time on this is worthless.
4. No, multitasking is woman's weapon, but not every woman's. Definitely not mine.
5. Procrastinating till 11 in the morning and waiting to go for a tea break, then come back and wait for lunch, Browse during lunch time which goes till 3:30. Now you are ready for tea. Come back at 5 and only 1 hour left, I feel I will do all this work at night, let me get some motivation and peep other great ppl's life.
6. Does watching successful ppl make you successful? Whom should we refer to?
7. whom should I refer, whom should I seek for help. where to look for what? who will help me here?
Look Inside:
The solution is to look within and come to terms with where you started, what was your capacity to complete a task at hand. What was your aspiration when you were growing up. What you are hungry for.
1. Place and Zone to build focus: I could sit inside the kodke, with a lamp in hand and sit there reading the most boring subject, till it starts becoming interesting and till I am confident with this. This is how I studied in my school. First thing here was being able to isolate from rest of the world and create a zone for focus.
2. competency: I would always see and follow toppers at school and try to be very competitive with scores and marks. Just so that I don't take things easy, so that I know when I am relaxing in front of TV or day dreaming, there are others who are studying and trying to be better.
3. Time: I could put a time table, which was extremely un doable mad still try to stick to it so that I end up doing most of it.
4. Food: Lunch, tea breaks were like a deadline to finish particular things, never the things I wanted to come. No, I can procrastinate from lunch t snack without any productive thing happening in between.
5. Inspirations: My parents were my biggest inspiration and my grand ma. I was a star kid for her, that is what motivated me enough to move on and be one.So that she and family had something to be proud.
Now I need to seek for similar things here, I may not get ppl noticing me here though, I should be able to live with this.
Hard Work, Dedication:
Even a genius person is good at his job, just because of his interest in the subject. Einstein was a genius but he spent his entire life for that. No one achieved any success without giving part of their life to do so.
In theory, i know all these, but from where to start all, how to fix problems that already exist. How to be a proactive person and how to make best of your opportunities or rather create your own path of opportunity. How to take control of things that happen around. How to be aware of what needs to be done and what not.
Enough of all thinking, how to start acting out.
Reality:
Unable to start the task, stick to the task. All these explanations which I give saying no rewards etc are bullshit. You should seek for self-motivation and intrinsic reward system.
Commitment :
Persistence:
Rewards:
Coming to terms with reality. what is a reward for me?. I was expecting to be a leader and denied by promotion. Which I don't see coming next year as well. So here is what it is the fact.
Stop cribbing about this and move on, intrinsic rewards is what you need to seek for to achieve the best of you. Accept the reality and failure. Don't run away you need time to do things and better start now.
I hate myself, for not being able to focus and for being vulnerable.