read the url

ugggh

[rantinginanger]

I just turned 31.

I thought about how I had some weird panic attack I guess in high school and thought I would die around my late 20s. My mother told me to pray. I did. Maybe I thought my prayer pushed it back to my 30s. I probably prayed against that outcome too.

But now I'm in my early 30s with known but unconfirmed Rona.

Why do I imagine the worst? Why should I? Why shouldn't I?

I'm having too many thoughts right now and I'm itching.

[rantinginanger]

My mother revealed her scheme to me of how what I thought was a child's kind-hearted tradition of spreading candy on the holidays was actually a ploy she supported as a way of buying friends through candy.

I've been aware of how my mother, with varying success, has bought plants in attempts to placate me or alter my mood. Even when I've specifically asked her not to. Context, me being the default plant caretaker is a given.

A few years back I asked her not to buy me clothes for Christmas because I had too many. That year she obliged but twas a promise forgotten ever year thereafter. I think it's more so a thing of, I was going to buy clothes to get a discount regardless, let me spread them out amongst the children.

[rantinginanger]

I will never forget how I didn't want a new bed, i was quite comfortable with the one I had. But my mother was supposedly uncomfortable with it, with how it must have been hurting my back, so she was going to get me a new bed and that was not up for debate.

I said fine, can it be a twin. She said the bed was coming the next day. She'd already ordered (what she thought were two queen but ended up being) two full size beds. Why did she get two of that size? Initially it was mainly for spreading out but also it mainly for additional sleeping space for when people came over.

So on a day's notice, I had to clean her side of the room and assemble two full/queen size beds by myself. Frames as well. Because my mother routinely and severely overestimates space.

[rantinginanger]

Why am I on Tumblr now? On this account? I wonder.

[rantinginanger]

No one can stand to live with me and I can't wait to be alone in a living space by myself. Not alone in life. Not super alone in region either.

[rantinginanger]

My mother revealed her scheme to me of how what I thought was a child's kind-hearted tradition of spreading candy on the holidays was actually a ploy she supported as a way of buying friends through candy.

I've been aware of how my mother, with varying success, has bought plants in attempts to placate me or alter my mood. Even when I've specifically asked her not to. Context, me being the default plant caretaker is a given.

A few years back I asked her not to buy me clothes for Christmas because I had too many. That year she obliged but twas a promise forgotten ever year thereafter. I think it's more so a thing of, I was going to buy clothes to get a discount regardless, let me spread them out amongst the children.

[rantinginanger]

I would love that it's only that it feels like this and that it's not an objective truth, but i can't verify that because my reality is a subjective one.

Point is, why does my mother's reaction to my complaining about pain or physical discomfort seen to always be accompanied by a large and screaming undertone of disbelief.

And then there's my feeling that that would not be the case with my other sisters.

But again, is this a giant projection from current rona things to everything else retroactively or is it what is and has been?

How much of it is a wishful denial so that worry about possible serious things can be diverted?

Because it's easier to fuss about more minor issues? But are any health issues minor?

I can't sleep because my nasal cavity hurts when I lay down.

[rantinginanger]

When I was younger and tried to establish spaces for myself, soon enough my space was taken over and it was back to shared space.

Then people are eager for me to be super independent. Then people are annoyed I'm still around.

And I don't know how much of it is because I'm the eldest or not, but I'm ready to be alone.

And i want to get married, but I think I will need a very defined space regardless.

[rantinginanger]

But then I know what will happen (unless o set up definitive distance, and even then) because it's already happened in different ways.

One, I will curate a lovely space and be ousted under some random pretext.

And/or two, I will isolate and be pressured to socialize and interact with family in an overly giving fashion.

[rantinginanger]

When I was younger and tried to establish spaces for myself, soon enough my space was taken over and it was back to shared space.

Then people are eager for me to be super independent. Then people are annoyed I'm still around.

And I don't know how much of it is because I'm the eldest or not, but I'm ready to be alone.

And i want to get married, but I think I will need a very defined space regardless.

[rantinginanger]

After asking generally about my health, I'm talking with my mother about my doctors. Why am I telling my mother that everytime I complain to her about the doctor she sides with the doctor, she then proceeds to do exactly that? And it's not even sides with them because I'm complaining about their manner. But, whatever.

But then she's like "you as a medical professional..."

And it's just like, exactly?!

[themasterpupil]

“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.”

— Douglas Pagels  (via wordsnquotes)

[sunflower-queen-13]

New life goal:

I will become grandma energy. Imma take up needlepoint, crochet, and knitting; have a ridiculous amount of paper back books; I will be baking somethin scrumptious every day bro. My house will eternally smell like cookies. Imma have that grandma lace decor all over my home. I must become..

✨ultimate grandma✨

[rantinginanger]

Waiting for the day when I will be able to live apart and alone with my thoughts. In my best habitation.

[rantinginanger]

Oh, I'm a pain to go shopping with? A pain to live with? Then we all wait for the day when I can live as strictly, as cheaply, as lazily as I want to be in my own space.

Why does everything cost money?

[rantinginanger]

Waiting for the day when I will be able to live apart and alone with my thoughts. In my best habitation.

[rantinginanger]

It's wild how people had plans for my life and career and then turn around and be disappointed when I say "I don't want to do that. I don't want to use my degree that way."

So then apparently my degree was a giant waste of time and useless apparently. Apparently I had no interest in my major then.

Completely ignoring the fact or not even considering the possibility that the image they had in mind for how I was going to use that degree was never how I saw myself with that degree.

Ignoring the severe anxiety and depression that are still tied to that degree. I'm just supposed to suck it up. Or at least I should have because I didn't and have passed expiration date and have disappointed.

Ah well. Life goes on.

[curseworm]

[rantinginanger]

you can’t, having been a proponent of antisocialism for so long, rebuke me when I announce my intent to or expectation of withdraw in the future from proximity to family.

it doesn’t add up.

and once i get money it’s coming.

like not all the way away, just quite far.

[rantinginanger]

When in a given year 1-3+, possibly all otjer siblings have not been seen for years. Years!

[rantinginanger]

you can’t, having been a proponent of antisocialism for so long, rebuke me when I announce my intent to or expectation of withdraw in the future from proximity to family.

it doesn’t add up.

and once i get money it’s coming.

like not all the way away, just quite far.