How to Enforce Your Boundaries
I see a lot of posts on Tumblr that talk about the importance of enforcing your boundaries - I’ve given that advice out myself, many times - but I haven’t seen a lot of discussion about what that actually looks like. I’ve been getting a lot of asks lately from people who want to enforce boundaries, but aren’t quite sure what they need to say or how firm they actually need to be. So without further ado, here’s a quick guide to doing just that:
Let’s say that you don’t want to talk about your ex - for the sake of example, that’s the boundary we’re going to set. Your reasons for not wanting to talk about your ex are deeply personal, and you don’t feel like explaining them; you just know that talking about the relationship or your ex is something that always sends you spiraling into very negative thoughts, and tends to ruin your entire day. So how do you go about enforcing that boundary?
Define your boundary as much as you can. Are there any people that you do feel comfortable talking about your ex with, or is this a blanket policy that applies to everyone? Are you okay with people mentioning them in passing, or no mentions at all? If someone in your life is dealing with an unhealthy or abusive relationship of their own, are you comfortable with them coming to you about it, or is that something you feel uncomfortable with? Finding the edges of your boundaries can be a complex task, and you won’t always know for sure what you’re okay with until you’ve actually encountered it. That’s okay. Do your best to be as specific as you can, and keep in mind that these things may change in the future.
Communicate your boundaries. Your loved ones will not be able to respect your boundaries properly if they are never told what those boundaries are. Even things that might seem like “common sense” to you (like not mentioning someone’s abusive ex to them) may not be common sense at all - your loved ones may have had very different experiences, such as having a friend or family member that found it helpful to vent about their ex. Be as clear and concise as you can. In this case, you might want to reach out to friends in advance to let them know that you just don’t want your ex mentioned around you, or you can deputize one of your closest friends to pass that message on to other people in your social circle.
Try to be as consistent in your boundaries as possible. I know that your moods and needs may change from day to day, but it can be very confusing for other people in your life if your boundaries seem to change rapidly, and it creates the idea that your boundaries are not “set in stone”. If you have a good mental health day and bring up your ex in conversation, your friends may get the impression that your old boundaries no longer apply, and that they can now bring this topic up in casual conversation. Presenting your boundaries as inconsistent and rapidly-shifting also leads to something called “boundary creep” - this is where people start pushing your boundaries in small ways, because they see your boundaries as flexible and subject to change if they just persist long enough. To avoid hurt feelings and uncomfortable situations, it’s best not to relax your boundaries until and unless you are ready for that boundary to permanently change.
For small violations of your boundaries, start with “soft enforcement”. In cases where the boundary violation is probably a one-time slip-up or mistake, the best way to deal with it may be just to firmly change the subject or re-direct the conversation without necessarily drawing attention to the boundary violation. For minor, thoughtless errors, actually calling out the mistake may be more emotionally taxing for you than the impact of the mistake itself. If you and a friend are discussing a particular TV show, and your friend slips and says “Oh, I remember that Taylor, Sam and [ex] were so obsessed with it”, this may be an instance where a soft boundary encforcement may be applicable - perhaps mention a new show that you are watching and firmly steer the conversation in that direction. If the violation was a mistake that was not meant with malice, this is often all it takes for someone to realize that they’ve screwed up and be more careful going forward.
For more serious boundary violations or repeated small violations, use more direct enforcement. Say you’re having coffee with a friend and they directly mention that they spoke to your ex lately and start filling you in on how your ex is doing. Or perhaps your friend who accidentally mentioned your ex in passing has now made several similar errors, and doesn’t seem to take the hint when you redirect the conversation. This is situation where you need to be firmer with enforcing your boundaries. This does not have to be a huge confrontation - simply re-state your boundary and firmly redirect the conversation. “I’m actually not comfortable talking about my ex and I want to talk about something else - did you go see that movie last weekend?” Don’t use soft language here, like saying that you’d “prefer” not to talk about your ex or that you’d “rather” discuss something else - state your needs clearly, and move straight into a new topic of conversation. This does not have to be a confrontational or emotional conversation, but it does need to be very firm so that there is no possibility of misunderstanding.
For serious or repeat boundary violations, a “hard enforcement” is necessary. If someone goes out of their way to tell you that they don’t think your boundary is reasonable, that they have a right to challenge your boundary, or if they simply continue to violate your boundaries over and over again despite direct and clear reminders, this is the time for a more serious confrontation. Sit your friend or family member down and let them know that what they are doing is not welcomed, not acceptable, and that you do not want it to continue. If applicable, point out past instances where they were directly warned about your boundaries, and explain how their violations make you feel. Make it clear that this is not up for debate or discussion; your boundaries are what they are, and if the other person is unwilling or unable to abide by them, the relationship cannot move forward. Explain that you value the relationship and want it to move forward, but that this cannot continue to happen. This does not have to be a long conversation - it should actually be a short one, so that there is minimal opportunity for the other person to try to debate you - but it does need to happen. This kind of conversation leaves absolutely no ambiguities; the person has been directly told that they are harming you and given instructions on how to avoid harming you.
If a person makes it clear that they are just not willing or able to abide by your boundaries, it is probably time to end the relationship. If you have clearly explained to something that their actions are harming you, and they do not change their actions, you can take that as a clear sign that they are okay with harming you and act accordingly. You do not benefit from having a continued relationship with someone who does not respect you enough to avoid hurting you. There is no need for an extended confrontation here - you have already given the person an opportunity to salvage the relationship and they chose not to take it. If you want to let the person know why you are stepping away from the relationship, that’s up to you, but if you’d prefer to just keep your distance from that person, that’s fine too. If this is a person in your life that you are unable to avoid, like a coworker, keep your distance as much as possible moving forward and avoid unnecessary personal interaction. Respecting boundaries is a minimal requirement in a relationship, and bending over backwards to accommodate someone who is not willing to do that doesn’t benefit anyone.
It’s important to remember that you are not being unreasonable or demanding for having boundaries. Most of the boundaries that people set in relationships - avoiding traumatic topics of conversation, asking people to respect your sleep schedule, not wanting to be pressured to drink, not loaning out money, etc, etc - are fair, reasonable, and take fairly minimal effort to respect. Even more complex boundaries and needs are easy to respect if they have been laid out in clear, unambigious terms. There is no excuse for a person to continue to trample over your boundaries when they have been made explicitly aware of their existence, and you are not the bad guy for wanting to be treated with basic courtesy and consideration.
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