Rate my Jesus

This blog rates Jesuses.

[ratemyjesus]

Set of 24 plaques, after Albrecht Dürer’s woodcut series entitled The Small Passion from 1511 (ca. 1570-1625)

Held at the Wallace Collection, London, accession number C596

- Historical accuracy: look, he’s blond, OK, but he’s also bleeding rather profusely somehow under the loincloth? I don’t really know. However, it looks like there’s only 3 nails, a (hidden up at the top) INRI, a crown of thorns, and a wound, what a wound, also their clothes are so clearly medieval (4/10)

- Physical appearance: he is so white and grey, but other than that he is very buff, or at least bits of him are, his upper arms need a bit of work (6/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: as we all know, blue enamel is amazing, need I say more? Fine, it’s missing a bit of that red that would really make it pop, you know? It all looks a little muted (7/10)

- Accessories: 3 nails, crown of thorns, INRI, a loincloth that is somehow not being stained with blood (5/10)

- Cross: it exists, which is enough, I guess. It does look like wood, if that helps (3/10)

- Emotional appearance: JC is dead, and Mary doesn’t look particularly perturbed, but Mary Magdalene is inconsolable, lamenting (kissing?) JC’s lily-white feet (see this is where the red would have worked, right, because she’s traditionally depicted in red and also the symbolism of JC’s blood and all that…), I think John is really what makes this though, with his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care (I lied, he cares a lot), the other women are crying/wiping their faces, while the soldiers look on with unconcealed boredom (7/10)

Bonuses: the stars +2

Total rating: 5.9/10

[ratemyjesus]

Les Granges, Talloires, France (date unknown)

- Historical accuracy: flowy non-descript dress/colobium with long sleeves thing going, and honestly, it’s not the most anachronistic thing I’ve seen today, so I’ll let it slide, however, they are both extremely white, medium notwithstanding, so I can’t give them too much credit (4/10)

- Physical accuracy: well JC does look like a baby, so there’s that, and Mama C’s breasts are in the right place (you would be surprised at how many artists think that breasts are just below the collarbone), so all in all, this is successful (8/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: one of my parents has told me that they want something like this to own, I keep searching for one, but they are surprisingly thin on the ground, they’ve said that they would keep it in their office because the other parent is unlikely to approve of it as living room décor, but you never know… Maybe I should ask the owner of the house on which this piece of art was hg for tips? (9/10)

- Accessories: look at those nimbuses (nimbi? Apparently it’s either), and what nice columns and arches and that plant pot below them wow so nice, also dolphins? (6/10)

- Mother and child: I’m not quite sure how JC is standing like that, but Mama C does have a protective arm curled around him, so it’s probably alright (5/10)

No bonuses

Total rating: 7.0/10

[ratemyjesus]

Priory Church of the Order of St. John, London (date unknown)

- Historical accuracy: 3 nails, wound, no INRI, white JC, crown of thorns (2/10)

- Physical appearance: very thin but the brass really makes it look quite good (5/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: as I said, I really like the brass in this representation, the tarnishing and shinier bits really help create the illusion of shadows (9/10)

- Accessories: crown of thorns, 3 nails, nicely made loincloth, no INRI (7/10)

- Cross: it’s simple mostly, but the finials are what really bring it out of the depths, those three little cherub faces are just too cute (7/10)

- Emotional appearance: he is sad and tired and I think dead, so pretty realistic, all things considered (6/10)

Bonuses: cross nimbus, cherubs +4

Total rating: 6.8/10

[ratemyjesus]

Altar Cross – Andrea and Giovan Battista Boucheron, Turin (ca. 1760-1770)

Held at the Victoria and Albert Museum, London

- Historical accuracy: 4 nails, forked beard, INRI, well he’s not explicitly white, but still (4/10)

- Physical appearance: he looks healthy and very much like a human (8/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: it’s gold and shiny with beautifully overworked finials and stand, as should be expected from an altar cross from Italy (7/10)

- Accessories: He’s got the sun nimbus (probably a reference to Apollo?), INRI, 4 nails, no crown, fashionable loincloth (7/10)

- Cross: gold (7/10)

- Emotional appearance: he looks like that one pose by Britney Spears against the wall (is it her? I may be mistaken) and not particularly sad or in pain (3/10)

Bonuses: cross rays (it’s like a nimbus for the cross! Get yours today for only 9.99!) +2

Total rating: 6.6/10

[ratemyjesus]

Pembroke College Chapel, Cambridge (date unknown)

- Historical accuracy: 3 nails, INRI, the clothes leave much to be desired honestly, and again JC is just so white and blonde/ginger, when will they learn?? (3/10)

- Physical appearance: SO PALE (3/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: it’s very fancy, with those columns and that arch and the wreaths and cherubs, it actually is a bit too much (6/10)

- Accessories: cruciform nimbus for the win, 3 nails, INRI, no crown as far as I can tell, loincloth blends in so well with JC’s skin that I thought he didn’t have one, which would have gotten points for historical accuracy, but as it stands, it’s a mediocre loincloth at best (5/10)

- Cross: it’s simple, yet effective, the stained glass really looks like real wood, which is just amazing (8/10)

- Emotional appearance: Mary/Harlequin doesn’t look all that sad to be quite honest, while fancy bishop looks equally unfazed, they must know something we don’t? (2/10)

Bonuses: cherubs are cute +2

Total rating: 4.8/10

[ratemyjesus]

St. Agnes Church, Reading (date unknown)

- Historical accuracy: crown of thorns, three nails, no wound even though he’s clearly dead, suppedaneum, scroll but no INRI, white white white (3/10)

- Physical appearance: he’s kind of normal looking, I guess? Like nothing special, though he does have a very fancy runway pose (6/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: it’s simple, with a nice contrast between the paleness of JC (he shouldn’t be this pale, but we’ll let it slide) and the dark wood of the cross (7/10)

- Accessories: crown of thorns, 3 nails, suppedaneum, no INRI, kind of racy loincloth, if I’m honest (6/10)

- Cross: it is simple, a nice colour, what more could you want from a cross really (7/10)

- Emotional appearance: he’s dead, but not horribly so? I don’t know (4/10)

No bonuses

Total rating: 5.7/10

Note: this poor crucifix was collecting dust on top of a cupboard in the storage room, and they kindly got it down for me so I could get a picture.

[ratemyjesus]

The Virgin and Child with Saints - Duccio (ca. 1315)

Held at the National Gallery, London, accession number NG566

- Historical accuracy: long flowing habit? Check. Ambiguous historicity? Also check. Paleness that rivals some of the death depictions of JC? Check check check. But really, he just shouldn’t be ginger, I’m sorry, it’s just wrong (3/10)

- Physical accuracy: JC must have been a very premature baby, in which case he probably would have died quite quickly, if his size is anything to go on? Also his proportions are just all wrong, like really, his head should probably be about a fourth of his body length, but here it’s like an adult body with a tiny body? (2/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: I guess that blue and the gold go well together, but there’s just so much gold, you can barely see the nimbuses (nimbi?), which is a shame because they are actually embossed (5/10)

- Accessories: Mama C’s head covering is quite elaborate, they both have nimbuses, as do all the angels/important people, that’s saint Dominic on the left and saint Aurea on the left, who was martyred by drowning, while above them are King David and the Old Testament prophets holding their prophecies about the Virgin birth (7/10)

- Mother and child: Mama C looks fairly nurturing I guess, though she clearly doesn’t know how to hold a baby, especially if it’s so young, but I do think it’s a nice touch that JC is clutching at her veil (6/10)

Bonuses: Aurea looks cool +2

Total rating: 4.6/10

Note: St Aurea is from Spain during Moorish occupation, and was known for her visions and miracles. Her feast day was just a few weeks ago, on the 11th of March.

[ratemyjesus]

WW1 memorial, Little St. Mary’s Church, Cambridge (20th c)

The left-hand column names are: Frank Bailey, Maurice Cooper, John Clarke, Harry Darkins, George Gates, George Gould, Anthony Gray, Leonard Hall, Bertie Harris, Gerard Harrison, Charles Macgregor, George Merrill, George Miller, Sidney Mills, Conway Morgan.

The right-hand column names are: John Newman, Geoffrey Palmer, Thomas Peatman, Arthur Penton, Cecil Pleasance, Frederick Potter, William Potter, Herbert Pull, Frederic Ryder, George Shaw, William Shaw, William Smith, Harry Vinson, Hubert Wootten, George Wright.

The plaque below reads: “To the glory of God and in memory of the men of this parish, who laid down their lives in the war. 1914-1918”

- Historical accuracy: no crown, 3 nails, INRI, suppedaneum, classic Jesus forked Jesus beard (5/10)

- Physical appearance: he is fit, look at him (7/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: really rather beautiful in its simplicity, JC is surrounded by flowery motifs and flanked by the names of the dead (9/10)

- Accessories: 3 nails, suppedaneum, INRI, no crown, cruciform nimbus (6/10)

- Cross: simple, almost blending into the background (6/10)

- Emotional appearance: JC looks very peaceful (8/10)

No bonuses

Total rating: 7.6/10

[ratemyjesus]

Basilica di Santa Anastasia, Verona (date unknown)

Submitted by Susie

- Historical accuracy: dark brown hair (for once!), wound, INRI, 4 nails, crown of thorns (7/10)

- Physical appearance: he looks fairly healthy actually, which is super good (8/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: while on the simpler side, this JC is rather striking in comparison with some of the richer church furnishings visible in the same picture, while the dramatic lighting really heightens the majesty (7/10)

- Accessories: INRI, crown of thorns, wound, 4 nails, no suppedaneum but you can’t win them all, quite a skimpy loincloth (8/10)

- Cross: plain but functional (5/10)

- Emotional appearance: he is dead and sad, but mostly dead (4/10)

No bonuses

Total rating: 6.9/10

[ratemyjesus]

Church of Saint Botolph, Cambridge (ca. 1890)

In case anyone wondered, above Mary (left), it says “Sta. [sancta] Maria mater dolorosa”, meaning “St. Mary the grieving mother”, while above St. John (right), it says “Stus [sanctus] Johannes discipulus”, meaning “St. John the disciple”. Below the ‘pelican’ feeding its young with its own blood (an allegory for Christ), it reads “Jhesus Pellicanus noster”, meaning “Jesus our pelican”. On either side of the pelican, it reads, in English, “We adore Thee O Christ we bless Thee” and “for by thy Cross & passion thou hast redeemed the world”. Below this, also in English, it reads “Deliver us from our enemies O our God”, “By the power of thy Cross”, and “In honour of Christ crucified to the memory of Stephen Parkinsen D.D. late Fellow and Tutor of St. John’s College, Cambridge, who died Ian. [January] 2nd 1889. Elizabeth L[?], his widow dedicates this window 1890”. Above everything, two angels hold scrolls which both read “Tu es Rex Gloria”, meaning “You are the king of glory”.

- Historical accuracy: his hair is so blond, it’s almost green, 3 nails, INRI, can I reiterate how white he is?? Also he has a wound but his eyes are open so that makes no sense (2/10)

- Physical appearance: once you get past the blinding whiteness, you can see that JC is very muscular, though I think the artist was trying to go for some kind of perspective on the arms, which falls somewhat flat (4/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: it’s a bit over-the-top in the best way, I guess, all those Gothic architectural elements in the background, as well as Cambridge rooftops behind JC’s lower legs (6/10)

- Accessories: 3 nails, INRI, cruciform nimbus, crown of thorns, floating green loincloth (7/10)

- Cross: the cross itself is fairly plain and not given much consideration, but there also appears to be a frame of some kind behind JC’s upper three quarters (7/10)

- Emotional appearance: John looks really angry, like why Jesus, why must you upstage me every time, but Mary doesn’t really look that concerned either, so maybe they know something we don’t? (3/10)

Bonuses: Pelican mother and pelican babies +4

Total rating: 5.4/10

Note: people used to think that pelicans did actually pierce their breasts so that their babies could drink their blood (hardcore, right?), and this story is likened to JC dying to save us all, so that’s why pelicans are an attribute of Christ

[ratemyjesus]

Processional Cross, Hungary (ca. 1330)

Held at the British Museum, accession number PE 1923.1205.10

- Historical accuracy: crown of thorns, 3 nails, white? (3/10)

- Physical appearance: he's very skinny (5/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: enamel is amazing (7/10)

- Accessories: crown of thorns, sexy loincloth, 3 nails, the JC behind the main JC has a nimbus so I guess that counts? (4/10)

- Cross: listen, silver is hard to work, ok? And look at that craftsmanship, the enamel-work is sublime, basically, it’s nice (7/10)

- Emotional appearance: poor tired, slumped JC, he has given everything (6/10)

Bonuses: look at that pose, JC is a star and he knows he runs the catwalk +2

Total rating: 5.7/10

[ratemyjesus]

Hello, Rate My Jesus enthusiasts!

My sincerest apologies for the lack of posts recently, circumstances conspired against me.

However, I am back now and I have a surprise! Check back on Monday to find out what it is!

[ratemyjesus]

Evangeliary cover, Limoges (ca. 1200-1250)

Held at the Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

- Historical accuracy: 4 nails, suppedaneum, actual real crown? (7/10)

- Physical appearance: look at those pecs, but also his ribs are very prominent and his tummy sticks out and is very cute (8/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: I'm always a sucker for blue enamel, sorry not sorry (8/10)

- Accessories: 4 nails, suppedaneum, crown (6/10)

- Cross: it's very plain, but it's got a bit of twisty vine at the top, so like, good try I guess (4/10)

- Emotional appearance: those eyes stare at me at night when I try to sleep (1/10)

Bonuses: fancy vines around the edge, cool angels (+4)

Total rating: 6.8/10

[ratemyjesus]

Pax, Netherlands (ca. 16th c.)

Held at the Victoria and Albert Museum, accession number 742-1891

A pax was passed around the catholic church during mass and kissed by the congregation to symbolically represent the kiss of peace

- Historical accuracy: 3 nails, INRI, crown of thorns, he's pretty white and I know it's because he's made out of silver but still, also Adam's skull is there (4/10)

- Physical appearance: he's got amazingly muscular thighs, I'm pretty sure JC rode his bike a lot, I can't tell if he has a wound or not? Who knows? (6/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: I'm really digging the composition, with the silver reflecting the gold below, it kind of looks like hell is opening up, which is super cool, also the lapis lazuli at the top is gorgeous (9/10)

- Accessories: INRI, 3 nails, crown of thorns, magical floaty loincloth (5/10)

- Cross: it's very simple and I can't really give it extra points for the silver because all of it is silver, or at least silver-gilt (5/10)

- Emotional appearance: Mary looks to be about 70 years old which is just not realistic, but at least she doesn't look 20 am I right? It might be because of the medium, but none of them look particularly sad, there's even a little face next to John who looks to be smiling (3/10)

Bonuses: floaty loincloth, Adam's skull, Mary looks old (+6)

Total rating: 6.6/10

[ratemyjesus]

Tabernacle, Cologne (ca. 1180)

Probably from the Church of St Pantaleon, held at the Victoria and Albert Museum, accession number 7650-1861

The tabernacle is where they keep the Eucharist (the bread and wine).

- Historical accuracy: 4 nails, pedestal instead of a suppedaneum, no crown, no INRI (4/10)

- Physical appearance: he looks very human good job (7/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: we all know my views on enamel so yeah, but seriously, the ivory bit is really nice (8/10)

- Accessories: 4 nails, suppedaneum, classy loincloth, no INRI (6/10)

- Cross: it has fancy borders (6/10)

- Emotional appearance: JC looks sad, but Mary and John don't seem much affected (4/10)

Bonuses: lots of men sitting around the top of the tabernacle (+2)

Total rating: 6.5/10

[ratemyjesus]

Altar cross, Tuscany (ca. 1300-1325)

Held at the Victoria and Albert Museum, accession number 4845-1901

- Historical accuracy: 3 nails, no crown of thorns, no INRI, no suppedaneum, were they even trying? (2/10)

- Physical appearance: he's pretty skinny but otherwise normally proportioned I guess? Also there is a creepy bird hovering above his head (6/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: the lighting is really dramatic so it looks pretty cool, also enamel! (7/10)

- Accessories: no crown, no nimbus, no INRI, no suppedaneum, 3 nails, not doing very well, but there is a loincloth that looks like a towel, so I guess it's alright? (5/10)

- Cross: very fancy and nice, I feel like if I had to die on a cross, this one would be a good way to go (8/10)

- Emotional appearance: his legs are crossed cockily, JC is on the runway and he knows it (2/10)

Bonuses: menacing bird (+2)

Total rating: 5.0/10

[ratemyjesus]

Mitre, Armenia (ca. 1650-1750)

Held at the Victoria and Albert Museum, accession number 558-1883

- Historical accuracy: 3 nails, a possible suppedaneum, INRI (5/10)

- Physical appearance: he's difficult to see much of, but he looks mostly human (4/10)

- Aesthetic appeal: the overall effect is one of wonder, wonder that anyone could wear this on their head, it looks so heavy (7/10)

- Accessories: INRI, 3 nails, crown of thorns maybe? Short floaty loincloth, possible nimbus (6/10)

- Cross: it's got lots of tiny dots surrounding the edge, but is otherwise fairly simple (5/10)

- Emotional appearance: Mary Magdalene weeps at JC's feet, John and Mary are stoic as ever (4/10)

Bonuses: Adam's skull peeks out from the ground (+2)

Total rating: 5.5/10