Witty Commentary For Your God-Awful Traps

Hi, Ray Ting Here.

[shittysawtraps]

What if I started a blog rating how plausible submitted traps are (I have never seen a single saw movie and I don’t plan to)

That sounds hilarious, please let us know if you do it

- mod charlotte

[misterbrick42]

And that’s all the confirmation I need BRB

[rating-shittysawtraps]

Aaaaand done let’s do this crap

[rating-shittysawtraps]

Hey if there’s a specific trap you want me to rate, also, just send me a link to it in my asks. Okay thanks back to your ironic suffering

[rating-shittysawtraps]

Trying out a new gimmick.

There Was An Attempt: Traps that were meant as actual legitimate saw traps but they just fucked up the execution

Actually Shitty: Like the above, but the initial idea also sucked.

Mickey’s Dick Smasher: I can’t put this into words, you just sorta get a sense for it.

Venting, Personal: Self-explanatory

Venting, Praxis: I’m definitely not using that word right but you’ll understand what I mean.

[shittysawtraps]

genuinely love how you've just started posting random bullshit that MIGHT be vaguely saw related /gen

everything in life is a saw trap, if you think about it. but don’t think too hard about it, or you’ll realize that nothing in life is a saw trap.

[rating-shittysawtraps]

true!

[quinngefail]

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN WHAT IS THIS 🥀

[shittysawtraps]

you survive your saw trap and this thing starts hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal’ing at you, what do you do?

[shittysawtraps]

A saw trap where you have to correctly name the breed of three cats and not by colour and cor each one you get wrong a finger is removed by pulling it off until you get them all right

unrelated: john kramer has taken up a side gig as a cat show judge and the power is kind of going to his head

[rating-shittysawtraps]

He’s doing WHAT!? He BETTER not be rating them cats on an out of 10 scale!

[shittysawtraps]

I had a dream that my fiance didn't have legs and we were fondly reminiscing about the time we were in a saw trap and he had cut them off to save me from being impaled and we barely escaped with our lives. I was like, "aww it was so sweet of you ♡" and he was blushing like, "oh stop, anyone would've done the same"

you briefly clipped into your saw trap au meetcute, and in doing so gained new appreciation for your lives. omnidimensional jigsaw is very pleased.

[rating-shittysawtraps]

a classic

[shittysawtraps]

what is the most bare-bones saw trap you can make? like if it’s just a saw and a tape saying, “we’ll kill your wife if you don’t saw your leg off,” does that count? is it about how elaborate the recorded message is? or does there need to be a contraption involved. like where is the line between a threat and a saw trap. is the difference just a bachelor’s in theater?

[shittysawtraps]

post it note attached to the tape recorder because jigsaw forgot but didn’t want to re-record the message: this is because you’re cheating on your wife btw. also for diagnosing that guy john kramer with cancer. fuck you for that.

[rating-shittysawtraps]

If they don’t fully believe that you’re gonna kill their wife it’s not a saw trap

[gr8writingtips]

writing tip #4201:

hello gr8writingtips reader. would you like to play a game? in front of you are all your favourite bits of writing, known as your 'darlings'. if you do not kill them the huge metal spike dangling above you will kill you instead. so what's it to be? you or your darlings? live or die. make your choice. btw it's me jigsaw from the saw franchise if you didn't know already

[rating-shittysawtraps]

5.5 out of 10 this is a pretty typical, some would say generic type of jigsaw trap. points docked for randomly stating the obvious.

[shittysawtraps]

you’re taking an “am i gay” quiz but the questions start to become super specific to your personal life and you click to the last one and it just has a timer on the screen and says “in one hour your crush’s stove will flick on and ignite the gas that is slowly filling their house. good luck.” so you haul ass over to their house and find them cuffed to the wall so you can’t get them out of the house and there’s no key but there is a hammer and scalpel on the table with a note that says “your heart’s in the right place” and you call the cops and they don’t believe you because nothing has happened yet and your crush is begging you to tell them what is going on but there’s no time because you’ve already wasted thirty minutes and so you ask them to take off their shirt apologizing the whole time because god, not like this, and sure enough there’s an incision down their sternum and you take a deep breath and reopen it as your crush screams and cries and says that they don’t understand and you’re crying too as you open up their chest knocking already-broken ribs out of the way and breaking the intact ones, desperately feeling your way around for anything, and you’re so sorry and you’re telling them please don’t hate me for this and the smell of gas is getting stronger and stronger and their eyes are flittering shut as they lose blood and you tell them i love you, i’ve loved you for a long time and you can hate me as much as you want for this just please stay awake and they kind of smile dreamily but you don’t know whether they even know what’s going on right now and you can hear the stove flicking to light itself when your hand brushes up against a trigger and you flip it and you hear the stove click off while you have your hands still buried inside of them and then hours later you trudge through your front door and there’s still blood crusted under your nails even though you’ve scrubbed your hands five times and your crush is in surgery and the hospital promised to call you and tell you how they’re doing and it’s been an hour but you’re too tired to feel worried and you feel like shit about that and you find your computer and see that the timer on the am i gay quiz has run out, redirecting you to a screen that has a picture of billy the puppet with a pride flag background and the text “congrats on coming out!”

[rating-shittysawtraps]

11/10 it’s like I was really there.

Of course I would never take the quiz in the first place, I know what I like (saw traps)

[shittysawtraps]

trap for a sexist father of young girls where the whole thing is set up like a princess tea party with billy and the victim needs to ingest a whole pot of poisoned tea without getting sick or breaking character or the room is flooded with sparkly pink neurotoxin

[rating-shittysawtraps]

10/10

[mlarayoukai]

life changing tweet

[shittysawtraps]

episode of phineas and ferb where they unwittingly become john kramer’s apprentices

[shittysawtraps]

“you’re using these devices to torture people? that’s not what summer is all about! people appreciate their lives through fun, not through near-death experiences!”

“yes, but you can’t reform the health insurance industry through fun.”

“…say what you want about him, ferb, but the man has his principles.”

[shittysawtraps]

“honestly, perry the platypus, I can’t stand that jigsaw character. always yammering on about ‘moral imperatives’ and ‘changing lives.’ it’s all hooey. to say nothing of the clean up. you wanna know how many hours a day he spends cleaning the traps? seven. i asked him. three of which are spent just on the puppet. i told him to just cover it with a sheet, but he got all mad and told me it would ruin the effect. some people, i swear.”

[rating-shittysawtraps]

Real.

Oh fuck am I Doofenshmirtz

[rating-shittysawtraps]

kept you rating huh

Uh. Uhhh. Rate of the world? Shit I’m fumbling

[contemptible-scoundrel]

[notsoprettylankydetective]

@shittysawtraps

[shittysawtraps]

jigsaw apprentice here! this is actually a common misconception. the blades on the wheel actually cause you to be a better driver, because you’ll be more careful driving if you’re worried about hurting yourself. additionally, you’ll also learn a valuable moral lesson about that thing you did that one time. you know the one. happy driving!

[rating-shittysawtraps]

Hi Ray ting here. Actually, *I’m* the worst thing to use as a steering wheel, judging from personal experience

[shittysawtraps]

saw universe gamergate rant video complaining that jigsaw has gotten too woke because his main apprentice is a woman

[rating-shittysawtraps]

You’d think the response would be a saw trap but that’s just giving them attention. Block* and move** on

(*cinderblock, around their feet)

(** them, into a lake)

[shittysawtraps]

bad saw trap where you have to inject yourself with various mystery solutions (some are acids, some are virus cultures, etc) to find the antidote for the neurotoxin they poisoned you with

if you escape you get knocked out and wake up on a park bench wearing a shirt that says “celebrating 650 years of the bubonic plague!” with a get well soon balloon tied to your wrist and a 20$ bill in your pocket to cover the taxi fare to the hospital

this was funnier in my head

.

[rating-shittysawtraps]

10/10

[shittysawtraps]

[rating-shittysawtraps]

a saw trap is an escape room you are involuntarily put in with risk of death/injury

[shittysawtraps]

failing a saw trap and as the life drains from your body you hear the oompa loompas come out and start singing

[shittysawtraps]

oompa loompa doompity dame

wake up, it’s time to play a game

oompa loompa doompity dife

you don’t value your own life

the device on your head is the reverse bear trap

tears your jaw open with just a snap

find the key before it’s too late

it’s hidden in the stomach of your dead cellmate

(i wonder if he’s really dead)

oompa loompa doompity do

one minute on the clock for you

if you go free you will rejoice

live or die, make your oompa loompa doompity choice!

[shittysawtraps]

man

[rating-shittysawtraps]

disagree. it's okay. /10