A quick word before the main post. I will colloquially use the term hoarding for my personal experience. However hoarding is a genuine issue that deserves both real support and kindness. If you are experiencing hoarding or hoarding tendencies and are concerned or struggling - please reach out for support. I promise you don't have to face this alone.
I am going to divide this week's post up into two parts. I could do them as separate posts – but I feel that they are so closely linked that they deserve to sit together.
Part one: Loss of control.
A lot of internet culture today, mainly influencers, is focused on the haul (and then the unhaul). Buying massive amounts of products at one time for goodness knows how much (or being gifted massive amounts of products).
But this type of purchasing can also occur for other reasons.
I have talked a little in the past about my struggle with loss of control over my life since becoming disabled. So much was ripped away from me. Sometimes fast, sometimes slower. But when it went, it was gone for good.
The control over my life, my future, my destiny if you want to get cringy - was gone.
And I tried to fill that hole - in my case with purchases. I was so desperate to prove that I still had control over something that I would spend money on things I didn’t need, and eventually didn’t even want.
If I am being honest here, it really shames me to admit this. But I think it is important so that you know you aren’t alone.
But, I think it is that second part which actually saved me, I think.
Because I found myself holding two audiobook CDs (bought second hand, so not that expensive) - and I realised: I don't actually care about either of them.
I bought them because I was afraid of missing out on the chance to have them. I brought them because I wanted to feel in control of my life. The actual CDs didn't matter. The purchase mattered.
And with that realisation I was able to start paying more attention to the urge to spend.
Unsurprisingly I found pretty quickly that the urge hit when I felt stressed or out of control.
This new understanding has allowed me to spot when I am spiralling, and try and redirect into a non-spending action (which admittedly sometimes includes stress eating).
But I am slowly learning to see it for what it is – a desire to have some control over my life – and take what action I can that is both safe and healthier.
Does it always work? No. But I will keep trying.
FOMO - especially when collecting either items that have gone (or are less) in fashion, or second-hand items which are harder to find...well there is some validity in it.
Because if you are collecting older books, or CDs, or whatever second hand - you might not find it again. At least for quite some time.
Same with manga actually. Because if they go out of print it might not come back as a physical print copy again.
So - the FOMO - is real. And it can be valid.
Sometimes, FOMO can strike alongside the control urge in part one.
This happened to me a few days ago.
I was starting to browse around for Christmas presents (ok so this was admittedly written around Sept last year, but still it is worth mentioning - I promise I am not doing Christmas shopping in May unless there is a specific sale on).
And I came across an unabridged copy of The Hogfather by Terry Pratchett.
Which, for any who try to collect the unabridged CDs know, is like finding hens’ teeth. That is - really freaking hard.
(I know I can get it from Audible - but that didn't pop into my head right then).
I had to get it. I might never find another copy - at least not one under £30!
The urge was starting to climb up my chest and I could feel the thrum of "Get it. You will regret missing it. It might never come back like this..."
Fortunately, the logical side of my brain managed to break through the urge (it took a hot minute, but it got there).
And I was able to ask myself some questions:
Would I actually listen to it?
Have I ever wanted to listen to it before?
And the answers came back:
Because I was afraid of missing out (fomo)
Honestly, probably not. I hadn't read the book, although I do enjoy the TV adaptation
No - I can always get an unabridged version from audible (see, I did remember eventually!)
With those answers clear in my head (and yes, said out loud), I was able to take a step back from the control urge and fomo, and leave my money well alone.
Now obviously, it isn't always this easy, and I don't say any of this to judge.
I also want to add that you will never be perfect. I know I'm not.
(As an extra tip if you live with trusted family or friends - send your cards on "holiday" - aka give them to a trusted person - so that you can't spend money impulsively when that urge for control comes).
Instead, I wanted to talk about it this week to reassure you that if you struggle with this urge - both as a collector of second hand/rarer items, or someone struggling for a sense of control – you are not alone in struggling with this.
Importantly though - if the urge to buy stuff is either putting you in financial difficulties, or is resulting in potential health hazards at home - please don't be ashamed. This can happen to anyone, and there are so many people who can help.
If you are struggling, please do reach out for help.
