DICTION

A conversation with self

[raynabell]

This skin

This skin I wear is new. It's been a year and I've yet too fully fit into it. A year filled with many trials. A year of cleaning and fixing the cracks an bruises. Knocking down old walls to build new stronger ones. A year filled with tears and clarity. Filled with creation and prayer. A year filled with forgiveness and love of self. Now I walk into this newly remodeled skin trying to understand my bearing. Patiently growing until it fits snugg.

[raynabell]

That's Where I Keep You

I've had memories of our past, that's where I keep you. In a past life I would need you to say all those words. Apologies and loving things. But words don't hold a lasting imppression unless it's a verb followed through with action. Somedays I act out the memories with ink on a blank canvas. Hoping I can manifest us into a happily ever after. l sow seeds into the earth that once was us transforming every bloom. But I keep you there. Like the moon, My memories glowing bright in my mind. I wish I can only take the good, Yet that would be dishonest to the truth. What you gave to me was balanced with love and hate combine. And although I miss thee heavily. That is where I keep you in the past because we were just the blind leading the blind.

#love #memories #transformation #reflection #poetry

[raynabell]

Nothing but the Audacity

Men egos are too big, it swollows there body whole until there is nothing left but the Audacity. To fill their cups they interrupt your peace in a power play to keep themselves in ur mind. When you spent time healing and making way for new grooves. That's when they make a move, one that's come to damn late. Nothing, no grace, no respect, no pride but the audacity they whole a plethora. Dear sir don't like my multiple pics on my social media to be seen. Don't text me at odd nightly hours saying hope all is well. I am not here to pump ur ego, to be kept on a string. So take you likes and hopes and kick rocks.

[raynabell]

Patience with Love

I'm learning to be patient with love.

Take it easy and enjoy the ride.

I won't stress if you don't like me ill let you go easily.

I'm learning to fal deep in love

With the deepest parts of me

Focused on my needs that lead to happy and peace.

Although I'm patient I'm excited an anticipating love when ever it may come from another.

[raynabell]

To Many

To Many memories here

I fear if I stay they will swollow

Me whole, yet if I leave they will follow.

Too many tears creating rivers in my garden

I grow with each lesson even if I've fallen

My hands touch both the earth and the sky holding myself between the line

Not too many, just enough to know I am divine.

[raynabell]

If you knew

If you knew how much I love you, you would think I'm insane when the love for yourself is to hard to wrap around your brain.

If you knew how much I love you, you wouldn't be able to observe it because it shines so bright even the stars at night aren't as lit.

If you knew how much I love you, I wonder if you would believe. The last time I tried to show you, you quickly had to leave.

So instead I keep my love at bay, hoping one day I will gravitate to someone who will love me in the same way.

[raynabell]

Flight

She flies over the clouds. Cutting through the moon. Merging with the sun. She settles upon the universe. Living along side the gods. She becomes one. Her body travels back to the land of earth. Her steps creates quakes. A new she has transformed.

[raynabell]

I am a fucking Warrior

I'm a fucking Warrior, don't call me a victim.

I was not conquered, I did not break

You raped me tried to control my body, violated me spirit toyed with my emotions in attempt to kill me. But all you left was scares, remains of the war you started. You will be annihilated! wishing begging you didn't fuck with me.

Too many times have I seen the tears in people's eyes who have experience your destruction. Forms trying to appear kind, like a victim for sympathy, other times you are simple ruthless. You are a molestar, rapist, a fucked up individual.

You caught me first when I was too young to understand, the next time you caught me when I was too naive to know how to choose a man. I have practiced my jabs, sharpened my knives and loaded my guns. Ready or not I'm coming for your ass. You thought I was sweet, and I am. I walk in love, I value life. But you pushed the right buttons to turn my sweetness into fire that will burn every essence of you out this world, this universe. I will destroy every particle of you to the fucking atom. No bitch, I am not an atom I am a fucking Warrior.

[raynabell]

My first time to LA was a spiritual voyage, all I wanted to do was see the ocean. It had been ten yrs since the last time I had seen her. Once I step on Santa Monica beach my soul danced. I did a ritual in the salt water letting mother ocean wash away the lingering pains holding me back. After my cleansing I felt so much lighter. Like I was high yet I didn't smoke anything but life. My breath was full, my mind began to clear. This trip was much needed and I am glad I did it alone.

[raynabell]

Traveling alone

Traveling alone takes another hold of you. You must relinquish the fears of what could happen especially as a woman in this world. Breathe, get rid of what holds you and began to explore all the possibilies in a new place.... You will learn that you can move the world around you.

[raynabell]

Confidently lost

Moved passed the awkward hellos into the get to knows. Spending time with her has been like sipping fine wine. She is silly, fills me with laughter. After snipping of the last bit of pieces from the past she is focused. Noticing me each day she kisses me with her wisdom learned. Earned her strips and occasional she sits in silence memories clouding her way. Slay, she cuts herself out of the sadness and bounces back to her regular flow. Owning her glory and her down falls finding balance. Malice does not sit within that smile or when she announced her love for me I know it's real. Feel it Everytime I stare at her in the mirror. Fear quivers with in my insecurities as I slice them away each day. Stay inside myself for a while getting to know who is I. I am confidently lost in the essence of me.

[raynabell]

Cuff season

I got trust issues, especially around this time. Is that you wanna know my mind or find somewhere to hibernate. It's innate we all want to escape the lonely nights & cold days. Holding on to cushion hoping the warmth will stay. Is it love or lust that offers a release with a hint of lost sanity. Wrapped between my thighs we intertwine making heat rise. You cry, tears of ecstacy with a dash of depression cause the sun has been gone too long. Drawn on the attachments with nearly 8 months of cold as falling leaves turning to snow. You know with a smile rested upon your face soon it will be time to dissipate. When it arrives the white iced fluff begins to melt along with the arms that once kept me warm in the cold. I Fold, realizing I was just a lover in the night cuffed when the season was just right.

[raynabell]

Rage

I feel sick. My throat scratching my head congested. Covered in lies spilled in to my ears. For a year I felt the need to protect you. Yet I was not protected. Ejected into a boiling pot. My blood turns to lava. Simmering undergrown. You will feel this rumble under your feet. Cracks splitting the earth beneath you. Fall into my lair dear. Feel my heat boil. Let my fire burn you. 3degrees of bull shit seeping out of me all at once. I began to bubble up at the repeating memories. I rise along the walls of gravel. I see you peaking down from up top attempting to apologize to the mother. But it's far too late your words got lost in the red. Rising until I erupt, the rage blasted upon you. I don't know how long the smoke will linger, grudges don't go quick for me. I want you to feel my rage. But instead I simply don't speak. This silence will slice you more harmfully.

[raynabell]

Unblocked

I admit I have been quick to block ppl or change their names in my phone especially when I feel jaded. However, some ppl I am starting to realize don't truly deserve that. Because although we fell out and maybe some shitty things happened on both sides doesn't mean they aren't good people. It just makes them human. Just like me......

Don't get me wrong some ppl deserved to be completely deleted from your life but that depends on circumstances. For me that is if that person has harmed me or actively tries to drag me down. But is certain cases we should try to examine the other side of the story as well.

[raynabell]

The harvest

Stepping into the season of harvest. Bring in all the food produced by the summer Suns watered by the springs rain. I bite into the delicacies allow its juices of lesson learned to spill into me. I take in the knowledge gained freeing myself. I don't resist the critics, too much at least, I catch my tongue before it gets twisted in childish beliefs. A time to start the settling, nesting in thoughts observing the past and began the plans for the future.

[raynabell]

Discipline

I want to tell you all the dope shit I'm persuing, I want to hear your voice, let you know I see what your doing. I want to say I'm proud. I want to scream my love for you out loud. But I reframe realizing we are not in that place. I isolate from all the 9's directing calls to your line, to save face. I see you working on yourself, Building up your health. I suppose I should do the same. Since discipline is the new game.

[raynabell]

Maybe its just me possessed by the moon shining blue I feel heavy with heartache. Head clouded I can't seem to shake the hands of retrograde. Taken by unaddressed trauma preparation yet not prepared. Breathe child breathe into your legs treat them with care. Movement will set you free dig out the rabbit hole. Organize your thoughts led by ur pen only God knows. She sweeps the floor cleaning up the grims of your soul. Dance love and love to love yourself whole. What I know vs what I have to re-teach myself.... Music by @liannelahavas #freestyle #powerofmovement #dance #mndance #poetry #heartache #mentalhealth #selfcare #retrograde #journalofselflove