rayons de lune

[rayonsdelunelove]

Where I stand

This blog completes 4 years today. So many things have changed, I have moved countries, fallen out of love, into it and then out of it again. I almost titled this post, ‘Where we stand’, but that would not be accurate. This is about where I stand, and I stand alone and I am happy. :)

Don’t get me wrong, I still want someone in my life. But I think I have found my way back to my original self, where I am happy with I have and what I have to give to the world. And it has been a lonely journey, but not without help that I have received from my friends. Small meaningful conversations have added to a lot. As the distinct tinge of emotion in my memories have faded, they have become clearer to see what the past was. I feel happy and ready to fall in love again. 

Again, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I am healed, but I ready to give it a shot. To try and pick up the pieces and with some help recover completely.  Its been such a rocky road and I will never say its been rewarding, but it has been not the worst for sure. Things that would have crushed me are just normal part of daily life. I am happy to have done the emotional labor in my life and made out on the other side. 

One of the things that have made me love myself again, has been very surprising. It has made me accept myself as a flawed human being, but still take pride in what I am and what I am doing. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel really good. Like good, deep inside my heart and its a feeling that I want to preserve, even if cheesy or not real. I don’t completely agree that it is not real. It is definitely more disconnected than what is portrayed, but there is a way to bring magic back into our lives. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

On the way forward

Yesterday was the day when a bunch of things happened. I won’t say that they caught me off guard. It was building up to that for the longest time. I killed a part of myself and I freed a part of myself. On both the things I am equally sad and remorseful. I wish there was a better way...

I don’t think she realizes how she hurts me. Knowingly unknowingly... Why do I get hurt? I think its because I feel I don’t matter. And she makes me feel like that all the time. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose. Her heart is in the right place all things considered, but its the fact of matter. 

I said something foolish yesterday. I said, I feel I should stab my heart out and maybe then you will notice me. And then she said, this is not love, this is obsession. And I agree this is not love. But this not even obsession about love. This is obsession about not mattering. The things way are setup in my home now, its like I have reinvent everything. Take out the old and in with the new. Whatever I become it will be shaped by these moments...

I have blocked her everywhere... And a part of her is glad and I know that. A part of her is like happy for the sweet release of the pain from my side. Do I blame her? Am I angry at her? Not really, I don’t blame her. I just wished for a lot of things to have been different. For a lot of things to have been easier. 

I tried. I tried my best to be friends. But I can’t help feeling for her. Is it just because I am horny? I can’t escape that it is a part of it. But truthfully, its about having to learn how to dream again. How to understand that this person won’t be my witness... she won’t be there... and maybe in this life I might not matter at all...

So today I need to decide and move on and stop thinking the what if’s. I told her in the end, if she can’t need me like she needs air, she can never love me and do things for me. I don’t know how true that is. I don’t think love is this extreme, but its not as lukewarm as she makes it either...

The thing that stuck with me is that, she could be lost in a TV series and not wonder whether I am alive or dead. Not even care... I don’t know a lot of things, but this doesn’t seem like love. She cares I agree, but not enough to actually do something about it. I don’t blame her. This is not to blame her. I just feel sad, and lonely. 

I need to be strong and give her time. That’s all I can do. And live my life the best way I know how. Carry myself up and keep walking. Its noble and hopefully it will be happy. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

- Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

[rayonsdelunelove]

Safety Belt

This is a poem that I wrote when out of chance I ended up sitting behind her on a concert that originally we were meant to go together. It put me in a huge dilemma and that was a life changing experience if any. It lead to questions of moving on and what does it mean and when will I actually be able to. Another shout out into the void, with no echoes it seems. I'm fairly happy with how the poem turned out, I would say it is kinda my favorite. What hurt was that she gave her seat to a friend of hers that I don't like. Don't get me wrong, she has every right to. And she seemed happy smiling and giggling. It pained me really to be so close and so far away. As Carrie Fisher said, ' Take a broken heart, make art.' And here I present mine -

Four hundred seats in the room and she gets assigned the one in front of me...

Some will call it fate or meant to be, I rejoice and cry in sadness of things not to be...

She giggles and smiles, and I smile meekishly...

And our eyes meet, they twinkle for her

And moisten for me...

In the darkness

I wish she would turn around a bit more

And twinkle a few more times, before the night dies

But she can't.

The world is looking from a seat that was mine

And she can't...

I'm no one to complain,

Just another soul in the crowd

Waiting for the night to last

And get over at the same time...

The rhythm stops,

The curtains draw to a close...

She smiles away in her little joy...

And I drag myself back to sleep...

In the end,

She asks me...

How was it

And my heart asks...

If it beat hard enough and fast enough

will she hear it,

And as I stay put on my seat, I wonder...

Why don't hearts come with safety belts...

[rayonsdelunelove]

On moving on and not

This is a poem that I wrote while trying to find a reason why we moved so far apart. In truth, it was a gradual process making me feel that maybe we were not together in the first place... It was a fight of principles in the end, or better yet core values. What do I say about core values? I keep on going back to the day when we talked about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. For her kissing in the morning before we left the house didn’t figure on the list at all. Food, clothing shelter... An un-opioninated person at best. What drove through in the end was a lot of chaos due to her indecisions. She couldn’t commit to something because she could never decide for herself was right or wrong. She was always afraid and my need to try and being the best didn’t help at all. Patience from me was weary and wore thin at best. 

And now here I am trying to move on. I can’t describe it, what or how it feels. As I try to do it, it feels very sad at times. Things that are my own evoke emotions of her... or my time with her. More than her, I miss how I was with her. How we were... coming back after long days outside and trying to make sense of what goes on every day... We were broken in many ways... And yet it was peaceful and happy. 

I stray a lot in this post... but I will leave with this poem that I wrote for her. I try to highlight what it meant and how it felt in the end. 

Walking the alleys of this place

Wonder if it is a white heaven or a personal hell 

Standing dazed in a flurry 

Carpets of glistening beads all around me 

Strangers run past me

Feeling obligated to hurry 

Lost in a dazzling gleam 

Can’t hold their gaze

  Never too strong enough to say 

I was yours and you were mine 

In what's right and what's not 

Through muffled cries and things implied 

You lost me...

[rayonsdelunelove]

To post or not to post

I feel paranoid right now. I’m unsure about whether my posting will somehow make the world feel I’m sad or depressed. If yes, what will happen then. What will change. How will people look at me. Will they console me, but I don’t want to be consoled. If I just had a puppy maybe my sadness won’t be as bad? I need a puppy, but I don’t have the time for one. Nor the place. I need time and I don’t seem to have it. I need money but I only seem to blow it away on frivolous stuff.

And here I’m trying to make up things and trying to find love. Today after listening to a very powerful poetry by Sabrina Benaim, where she says poignantly, everyone loves me but nobody is in love with me. If I post this, will they know I’m mourning a breakup? Will they even care? My mirror is a judgemental self that I look others through, a friend of mine who does that a lot. He is lucky to have his life in order or is it that, it’s due to me that my life isn’t in order?

This is another shout into the void it seems, with nothing gained or lost. Is the shout into the void by itself worth it? Yes and no. Inspire of everything I want someone to find this, just to make sure my experiences mattered. Life makes you feel insignificant. I need to find the energy to go through the motions. I need to find the time to get things in order. Nothing has blown over yet, I have to learn a lot and I have to gain a lot.

And yet I stand transfixed with my experiences amounting to nothing. I look at the trailer of the movie based on Emily Dickens life and I’m ported to another space inside of me that feels empty. It’s a nagging hole and it won’t be filled by someone else, I will need to do it all on my own.

As I see it, people will always be judgemental. Even your friends all the more so. In the end, whatever you do, it doesn’t matter. You can be good to people and people will be fake to you. The way I see it, people pretend all the time. And it’s bad to see myself in a place surrounded by people who don’t care... or maybe they do and I can’t see it.

I feel paranoid because I try to give the benefit of the doubt to everyone. And the thing is, things are not bad around me. But they aren’t good either.

[rayonsdelunelove]

On breakups and lost love

Where does the love go? I don’t know.

I never thought I would say this again, but I have broken up. We were going through rough patches since some time, but the actual breakup came as a surprise to me. Over a long walk, wandering through the streets of a town after a nice dinner, we came to the realization we were incompatible. Not in the sense that there was no love, but she a lot to grow for herself before we could on the same page. Lack of experience on her part and lack of patience on mine. And I feel incredibly stupid to be ending this. She was the one. I loved her hard and deep. When I held her, our hands fit each other perfectly. And I was so happy at times... Yet there was always something missing. Something that didn’t make it seem worth it. 

And it was mutual. She agreed that she felt more confident about herself living apart from me. But does a mutual breakup make it any less sad? Does it justify how shallow I feel, and how completely useless and ‘don’t know what to do with myself’ feeling. What am I supposed to do? How do I mourn? I still love and respect her so much. And there such a huge lack of people who understand anything, or even try to. Its very easy to understand people when you are happy, very difficult to do it when you yourself don’t know what is right and wrong and where to go from here. So yes, everyone has their life and their problems. And all I want to do is to pickup the phone and call her. Or for my phone to ring and to see her number flashing. And yet I know thats the worst thing to do right now, I am inconsolable and I know she is too. I have no freaking idea what to do. I want to shout and I know I can’t. I am grown up and yet I can’t feel a thing. Is it better to cry out loud or be numb? I do not know. 

I miss her arms holding me, reaching out to me in the middle of the night and just gently being placed on my shoulder as if everything is alright. And yet now nothing is. 

In all of this, I would say I have been glad to be on good terms with my previous relationship. I have just called her once but given the fact that she knew me, it has been a great help. It has been great to know that there is someone out there no matter how remote or how detached who might still know me a bit. Otherwise I couldn’t stop crying or maybe I could. I am trying to laugh and its all dry. There is a void in my stomach. I try to eat for sustenance and its still taking its toll. There is something amiss and I do not know how to set it right. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

Road to nowhere?

Its almost seems every few weeks we keep on walking in circles with nowhere to go. Things have become better from what they were, the loneliness I used to feel is gone and I am able to work much more properly, though sleep has been eluding me for the past week. Its almost like I work day in and day out to tire myself out so that I don’t have to feel.

I know they say its supposed to be hard. But how hard? Shouldn’t at one point, it should feel easy? Or easier? What are we doing here? Are my expectations too much? Or her response is too less? And why? She swears she loves me and doesn’t think about anyone other than me, then why do the words don’t translate into action? Is it so that some people are just better at doing things than others? Even if I do know that, the lack of effort  is what bothers me most. 

And I still can’t believe she hasn’t talked to her ex. Not that I want him to know or that I feel insecure about him. Least of all, him. I don’t think she wants to go back to him. She had promised me thrice that she will talk to him (on her own just for the record) but nothing. She has a lack of a way to mend something that is broken. 

I feel like I am at crossroads day in and day out. Not knowing what to do or where to go. Something is making me stay, I hope its more than just the thought of disappointing her. Because that would make little sense... Given her lack of experience in a relationship, and giving her some leeway, I do not know what I want now. There is a sense of unease and unhappiness. And I don’t like it.

[rayonsdelunelove]

Familiar voice with a face unknown (part 2)

Today I am posting her version of the poem with the same title. One night at 2 am we were sitting on my sofa and just during the initial days of when we started going out, that we spontaneously felt some connection. And we started writing a poem with this title, to capture that feeling. She completed hers recently and since then feeling of the same is lost and different, however it is definitely a beautiful poem. My poem is a feeling while hers is meticulous and beautiful, worthy of being included in a book. Do notice the scientific analogies!  Here it goes : Familiar voice with a face unknown Faintly whispers in the dark

Fleeting shadows of flames Fireflies, like, in my flurry heart

Fabrics starting to entangle in knots Fibers imbibe vibrant dyes

Frosty walks ending the fog Fractals emerge from random talks

Faraday field begins to converge Fluctuating frequencies begin to resonate

Fragile fingers strengthen their grip Focal planes find the sweet spot

Forfeiting my fabricated walls Followed the voice and it lead me to your soul

[rayonsdelunelove]

Road to nowhere

I write this at 10:58 pm, sitting beside her. She is doing her own work and is not mindful of what I write. I hope some day she sees this, until then this is hidden. Almost.

What I am writing today is a bit weird, a bit full of melancholy and almost unbearable to contain. And yet words fail me. Generally I am good with words, almost every feeling I have, I can conjure up something to express myself. Especially the written word. And yet now I am at crossroads, completely lost. 

The truth is simple - I love her. And I love her a lot. I have no reason for it. And I can’t even express myself as to why or how. There is an intense feeling to keep her safe and make her happy all the time. And I want her to live her life and my own insecurities are getting in the way. I would like to think of myself as infallible but the truth is that I am not. I am more broken than I would like to admit. And more than that I don’t know what to do about it. 

This is one of those moments in life where I feel lost almost all the time, except her arms. Or when she holds me... And I feel that for a person who is averse of touch, an achievement. An achievement of a different kind because I seem to want it even when she doesn’t. And the funny part is, I can’t stop myself. It feels like I want to be lost. And I only want to be lost with her. 

And she loves me also. I know that. And yet I can hear my heartbreaking a bit when she replies ‘I love you’ to my ‘I love you a lot’. Because I can’t quantify ever in life what that ‘a lot’ means. Nor that love can be quantified. Actually I don’t necessarily agree to that. Feelings can be quantified, maybe just not in metric terms. Because sometimes I wonder, do I keep on feeling a storm when all she feels is a drizzle?

[rayonsdelunelove]

Dear Sad Song

(This is love letter to something I hate, because we can only hate the ones we truly love. Or something thereof. Part of NaPoWriMo Challenge, Day 10.) 

Dear Sad Song,

You make me feel things that I didn’t know were possible. I associate you with tears and sadness but only because you take me to places inside me, I didn’t know existed. The truth is I need you, because many times it better to feel something than nothing at all. 

You can be a pop song, that talks about breakup. You can be a dark song, that talks about loss. You can be just a sad melody, that makes me transcend the bounds of words. In the end, you make me feel. And as a human, I find that important. 

You can be a big distraction on days when I am in a jolly mood, but catch wind of you maybe on the radio or my iPod shuffles to you. On those days, I realize the unknown power you hold over me, like a distant lover, that keeps reminding me of her presence. 

You are needy, like the words in you. You need people to be complete, and without people you are nothing but random frequencies jostled together. In itself  you call out to people and make yourself heard. Its something I don’t like, but as lovers go, you are better than most. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

To do or not to do?

The thing about this feeling is the incompleteness that I feel right now. For no particular reason, I feel that the person that I am with is not with me. I constantly worry about what is the right thing, and I constantly deny myself the pleasure of just breaking down. Because I have not reached my breaking point yet. And even if I have, I will overcome it. 

Having someone in your life makes you weak. I have always felt this. When you talk out your emotions and they are reinforced by people around you they become more real and become like excuses and more than just mere things that happened. The mind is a terrible place to lose yourself in. My mind keeps on conjuring images on trying to quantify what is going on, with no particular outcome. Because the threads of the story break into hundreds of strands and I can’t follow each one of them or even reach a conclusion. That’s the point of being more intelligent than most. 

When she hugs me, it doesn’t feel she is there. She doesn’t kiss me in the morning when we leave. Or is she just sleepy, or do I over think this? She doesn’t pour me juice when I take care of her every little thing that she wants? Now that I write this it seems trivial, but of all the trivialities, something does bother me. And this is the most disarrayed article in this whole thing and sorely incomplete because I can’t a finger on what I feel. Nothing at all. 

There is also the tale of January beginnings and things getting sour by April. Nobody can match my expectations, is it so because they are too high? Or too random? Or too incoherent. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

Ringing in my ears

This is a song that I wrote while listening to a video of her laughing. Its weird and if I ever end up singing it, it might resemble the song ‘Two’ by The Antlers. The thing about this song is that I sometimes feel I am deeply in love with her and there are sometimes where I am restricted by the thoughts of my own narrow mindset. It amazes me as to how shallow people can be. And how shallow I can be myself. Should one change the person they are in love with? Or should one let them be who they are?  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a ringing in my ears I think it's the sound of your laughter

And this is something real As we float in a space Thats dark and clear I try to reach you I find your hand I hold it dear

And the ringing remains As you complain About the world and its things And I want you to know But I don’t want to say Things that I hold dear

We both know We aren’t sleeping and we turn to each other I find your lips As you are still laughing And its lovely and broken

There is a ringing in my ears I think its the sound of us falling Falling too deep And rising suddenly As if the fall was all We ever had

To find a way To our home

[rayonsdelunelove]

Familiar voice with a face unknown

This is a poem of two parts. One part mine and one part hers. I think hers is incomplete. However I post mine. 

Familiar voice with a face unknown Calls out to me in the shadows And here I sit lost in the magic around Its wonderful and weird How one can make connections in the darkness

And how you find peace in someone’s laughter On a joke unheard, on a joke unsaid On a joke in between And amongst the giggles, I feel something I didn’t know I could feel And for the longest time Though life isn’t sad, I didn’t know it could be this happy

It transcends to a silence As you stare out to the lights And you glance over And the eyes meet And they say so much…

[rayonsdelunelove]

All we do is play it safe

There are moments when we question ourselves, ‘Who are we really?’ And today seems to be a day that I am doing the same. For no particular reason, I have been pretty happy and sad in my own way. The happiness is because I am out of the shadows of my past. For real this time, there is no burden on my head nothing that holds me back and nothing that I would go back and change. And now here I am sitting ‘going out with a new person.’ I don’t know how most things are supposed to go, but I have a good feeling about this. And the thing is that most things that you have a good feeling about, you are also scared about them turning out to be the wrong thing for you. Is it just someone’s affection that I want? Or am I in this for something real?  The truth is, for me this is something real. That has always been without question. However it wasn’t until recently that I decided to pursue it. There is willingness on the other persons part, but how much does it really last? How much will she really feel for me? And am I supposed to be just patient? What if my patience runs out? How do we even know if it does run out. I am feeling incredibly inconsistent with my own feelings. The thing is... is this about my expectations? To a certain degree yes. Some people love to do things, while others love to receive. The truth of the matter is that, in most cases, its very hard to find a match. I think she is very tired in her own life to be thinking about me. So why do I think about her or do things for her? Is it because that I just do stuff? Maybe I am being too negative. Another thing that concerns me is that she is inherently darker in thought. I have been there too. And I was myself proud of the way I was. Because that is what I thought I should be! However in time doesn’t one think that one should be genuinely happy and not romanticize one’s sadness? My mindset of being happy and her’s of being comfortably numb, does it cross at any time? And what do we do with the silence, when do we become comfortable with it...and why?  Most of the times, its great! However at times my own insecurities overpower what happens. Its sad somehow, because I am incomplete. And I am inconsistent. Since a long time, I have not felt this way. And I am trying my best to see the light and make her see it too...if she wants. No forcing... I just want her to let her be! And I want her to grow on her own accord... Its looking at oneself through ones own lens...and still failing...because what you look might not be what you wanted. Or was it? Its really hard to know. Going and running has been one of the saving graces of my life recently... I don’t know what I am sacrificing... And I don’t know how to reach my own level... I don’t know. I truly don’t. 

PS - I have spent some amazing times with her, truly memorable and amazing! Even wrote a poem. But there is also this feeling sometimes...and I think that’s why I write this. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

The Inconsistent Muse

In love and life, as might occur a number of times, you have no idea of what is going on. And there is little way that you can actually judge and find out what its all meant to be.  Here I talk about the same. So it turns out that the the person on whom this blog is named is dating someone. And its funny I can’t even believe it. She was truly in love with me, though we never really were able to have anything real. We tried. We tried a lot. And it seems she has moved on faster than I have. Not that I still love her now, but the act of actually moving on has been done by her. My problem lies with the fact that I can’t imagine her with anyone else, though I might not want her. And it might seem random and stupid. Maybe I just need to go out on a date to get it out of my system. 

And again on the other hand, the other one still seems to be into me. And I have no clue what I am doing there. I can be inconsistent as fuck. And I am my own muse. 

PS- I am planning on writing letters. Drop a message below if you want one. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

The Juggler that never existed.

So today I write sitting in my class at 10 am. Its a major departure from most of the conversations we’ve had. So this is about how the relationships of my life (till now) are fearful of each other and how ironic it is. 

So lets start at the beginning. While I was initially involved with the first real one in my life (the one on whom the first post is about), I kinda asked the second girl out. I knew the second girl from back when I was in 10th Standard. She had written a really good essay that the teacher read out to the class, and suddenly she was interesting. Well coming back, being fearful of the commitment to the first one and some more fucked up things, I asked the second one. A douchebag move, totally I get it. Moving on, this made the first one fearful of the second that ‘If I am here with him, why is he still going for someone else?’ combined with some childhood insecurities, that never left here no matter what I did. That led to the downfall of the real relationship I had. 

Anyhoo, coming to the next one. Only when I left for a distant place did the second one realize my importance. And if you have read my previous blog posts, you would realize why it is. I moved away in time and the feelings from her side came haunting her back and today she wants us to be committed somehow. Though I still kinda like her, almost all the feelings have passed. Like is the wrong word here. I would say care is the one more likely. And so the previous weekend, we sort of got into something. And yesterday I made the mistake of texting the first one of the Ramen eggs I perfected. And well, it didn’t go down well with the second. 

So as things stand, the first one is afraid I will go the second one and vice versa. Life is ironic and hilarious. Here I sit and type away. 

[rayonsdelunelove]

rayons de lune turned 1 today!  Did not post a lot! Need to start being more regular. Need to post anything and everything. Need to let go.