Today I have a ten year old, a nine year old and a 5 month old.
In three days it will be a ten year old, a nine year old and a 6 month old.
To this day I have no idea if Sky and Noah know about Neo.
People associated with the matter have reached out to me as they always have as if I should just move on, get over it, act... "normal".
There is no "normal" without Sky and Noah.
No pictures. No messages. No visits. Punishments handed out to my children for reaching out to me on devices I provided to them and that they were able to have and utilize without supervision until it was known they used them to reach out to us.
It was advised to me to contact police in order to have access to my children. Something that could heavily traumatize them as well as disrupt their education considering the advice was provided during December.
Another factor heightening my anxiety and restlessness in regards to my decision in trusting my mother.
She justified not telling the kids right away about us being back in Chicago with not wanting to shock or traumatize them. 1 year later after the non court order temporary guardianship was up she advised to contact police.
Hypocrisy and manipulation is not a new trait for her.
It's the literal reason for our estranged relationship. She loves throwing stones while living in a glass home while telling herself that's not the case and everyone around her (now, that she's not in the eye of her own created storms) are a bunch of "yes" men.
We love our children. We want our children. We are working hard to overcome the adversities faced that literally no one in either sides of the family can/have relate to, provide guidance on, nor provide the graciousness to help.
We've figured it out and continue to do so.
I may have access being withheld from me.
.
.
.
I will always be their mother. No one can take that away from me. When I asked for help in order for my children to not witness the adversities faced I was their mother. I continue to be their mother by choosing to not fall into the temptation of being a pawn of my own mother's chaos.
To focus on getting better while being in a constant state of fear and anxiety has never been easy. It wasn't easy as a child and it's harder now as an adult... but I'm getting it done.
