NEATO

P R O B L E M A T I C... // ooc blog

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Greeeeat....Now I gotta spin a lie about needing to fly by myself.....

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I love my family, like deep down but we don’t always get along. My mom showed up for that event on the 14th and I don’t know what she was expecting but she was disappointed. I think maybe she saw how the other members were with their moms and wondered why I wasn’t like that? Me,Kris, Namjoon and all our moms were sat at the same table. The other four were talking. My mom and I were trying to remember why we’d come in the first place. Anyway, we stuck around until a little after six and I took her back to her room. She randomly started crying and talking about how I didn’t love her and how ungrateful I was. I can’t handle shit like that, it just annoyed me. I snapped and it turned into this big thing...I said some shitty things to her...Flash forward to now and she’s disowned me or something. I ended up calling my brother out of desperation. He’s fucking oblivious. Didn’t bother with my father. Things were hard growing up and I know my mom did the best she could. I’ve never held anything against either of my parents but like...we just don’t have that dynamic. I didn’t know what I thought mattered so much to her until now. I’m taking a train to Daegu to try and see her. Here’s hoping that’s not a fucking mess.

Because I don’t need another thing going wrong. Really on a whim, I took one of Kris’s cars and raced it illegally. It was a fucking beauty and it handled so well. I won, got like 20K out of it but at this point that’s nothing to me. I was probably a little too high when I decided to run my mouth about it. Then Kris and Namjoon went into parent mode, haha. Namjoon deals with me like I’m a rebellious teenager, bless his heart cus he’s trying. Turns out Kris found my gun. I think he went looking for something to confirm his suspicions and struck gold. I didn’t tell him about me dealing drugs but he’s not a stupid guy. He knows I’m up to no good when I disappear at night. We agreed not to tell Namjoon. I don’t want to shatter this happiness he’s finally found with the two of us. I love both of them to death but I know Kris can handle himself...both of us are just so concerned with making sure Namjoon stays inside a bubble of bliss. I feel bad for fighting with Kris in front of him. He reeled everything back in. It’s crazy. I guess he is the leader for a reason.

It’s not as dangerous selling E. I end up hanging around in seedy clubs mostly. No street corners -- no getting jumped. Was getting real tired of that. I even gave some to Hoseok. I’ve yet to ask him how he liked it, though.

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Yoongi's Secret

BACKGROUND&SECRET:  Min Yoongi was a no one before his try out with BigHit. He was born in Deagu, South Korea, to poor parents who now had one kid too many. His brother was book smart, that was his out but Yoongi was someone who spent more time doodling than studying. Suga didnt know if he had talent but he had drive and he was determined to get out of his situation. But there were only so many avenues he could take. His exam scores werent good enough to get him into the good schools and he wasnt good at much else. So he turned to the streets. He joined up with one of the smaller local gangs. They extorted and intimidated money from people. For a while he was satiated but even then, thay wasnt enough. He left home and went to Seoul to try out as a BigHit trainee. He was lucky enough to make the cut but between english lessons, dance practice and voice, he wasnt making any real money yet. So, he turned to his connections in the underground and got himself a gig selling coke – mostly to foreigners. He did that all the way up to his debut with BTS and still does so now. However, with the band going international, it’s become harder and harder to keep up his business. And, beyond that, rivals both in the industry and the drug trade have arisen to further complicate things. It’s not a life he can so easily leave behind. The money only being a facet, his gang also pulled strings to get him his audition and debut. He’s in too deep and other things in his life suffer as a result.

REPERCUSSIONS (1 paragraph): His duties to the kingpin of his gang have always come just after his dedication to BTS. Thats because, obviously, his life could be at stake if he messes up the numbers. It takes his toll. He falls asleep whenever he gets the chance and when hes forced to stay up he uses a combination of energy drinks and bumps of cocaine to do so. For the most part he’s not an addict but, when especially stressed or upset, he can disappear for days on a bender. Then, he has to bail himself out of trouble and put out any fires that would put his position with BTS at risk.

[realeyesrecognizereallies]

We just broke Bangtan

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Ughhhh. Sleep hit me like a ton of bricks. I slept more today than I have collectively the whole week. Shit’s getting tight....lemme explain

Apart from the same love triangle drama, I’ve gotten comfortable with Namjoon and Kris. And every time I do, it’s like they sense my happiness and proceed to try and fuck shit up. I move coke for them mostly but because of the festival, they’ve got me selling psychedelics. Not gonna lie, they’re easier to move around with but who the fuck knows what chemicals are in them? I took one tab and fuck, I think I had a bad trip. I don’t usually have a conscience about this kind of thing. Like, if you choose to do drugs or drink or whatever, you’re well aware of all the risks that come with that. But sometimes with these synthetic psychedelics you just don’t know what you’re getting when you drop acid. People can die sometimes....That’s a lot of bad karma I don’t fucking need.

But hell, it’s really moving fast. I wanna ask for 200K to take my boys on a nice ass V-day trip to China maybe, haven’t really worked out where we’re gonna go. I love them. I wanna keep them safe. I want to give them the world. I want to keep them as far away from this bullshit as possible. I’ve been doing okay so far....I just keep thinking about when this is all gonna fall through. Keeping a secret from Namjoon is easy but Kris....eh, not so much. I don’t know what my excuse will be for not coming back to the hotel room at night or going missing for half the day after our set is over. Kris hasn’t asked yet...but he will...he’s smart and just skeptical enough to call me out on my shit. Namjoon’s always saying things like “He’s never lied to me.” ....and it makes me feel even shittier. 

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NO ONE is killing my fucking vibe tonight, alright? I wanna go party and be wild and do crazy shit. I’m not coming back to the hotel til the sun comes up.

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You deserve to always be smilimg, even despite my petty ways. I love you.

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I'm proud of you. Maybe I'm too shy to say it but I admire you.

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HAHAHA Well, I gave it a fucking try.

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I’ve been mulling my feelings over for a long time and am no closer to sorting them out than I was yesterday or the day before that. It’s so problematic. As if it wasn’t hard enough being emotionally candid with one boyfriend, now I have two. My life is more full of love, love that I would fight and sacrifice for but some part of my brain just won’t click with it. That part makes me worry and makes me angry and it’s really only a matter of time before I start taking it out on the two of them. In a passive-aggressive way, I already have. I’m not really sure what taught me to brush people off this way but I’m really good at it. It’s easier than admitting any sort of weakness because, I don’t know, I’m not supposed to be the person that has those. I think I only told Tae because, well, I can share that kind of thing with him. He’s always been an uninvolved third party, the only one I’ve never fancied as anything more than a friend. He said what I was feeling was valid, in the least. And it’s not like they wouldn’t hear me out...but would they really hear me? Listen and not just start throwing consolations at me? But then, what else are you supposed to do in a situation like that? This is fucking lame.

[memorymisread-deactivated201807]

kinky as fuck but with a soft heart

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I should talk about all the shit I”m feeling. Like I talked to Tae about it...but I just can’t.

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Dishing about everyone else’s shit makes me think less about my own.

Taehyung messaged me which was honestly the surprise of the fucking century. I got busy before we could talk much but it was just nice hearing from him and knowing he wasn’t pissed at me...or wasn’t still. He and Jimin took a vacation to Cabo Verde and maybe it was the combination of the sun and Chimchim that snapped him out of whatever funk he was in. Now, if only he’d make nice with Namjoon.

Shit between me and Namjoon was at the most comfortable level of commitment. He was my boyfriend, I was his -- that was settled and it was back to just living. The only thing that ever pissed me off was his friendship with Kris but fuck now that whole dynamic has changed because I’m starting to like him too. He’s hung up on Hobi, and part of me thinks he’s only jumping into my and Namjoon’s arms because of that fact but I don’t care. I’ll take whatever he gives me. And right now, it’s at a point where if he did change his mind about this polyship, I wouldn’t even care...pretty sure it’s at that point.

So, that leads into deets about this fucking love pentagon. Me, Namjoon, Bambam, Hobi and Kris. Like I said before, Kris is hung up on Hobi and he said that Hoseok suggested a polyship with he, Bam and Kris. So, he was happy for a day and was holding out hope. Buuuuut Bam wasn’t feeling it so he was back to square one: stuck with me and Namjoon. My thing, though, is that there’s a lot of hearsay going on. After Kris told me about Hoseok’s polyship suggestion, Bambam came and told me his side of the situation. He said that Hoseok said that the polyship was KRIS’S idea and that Hobi only even brought it up because he felt sorry for Kris and wanted him to stop feeling sad. And Kris got his hopes up hella it’s kinda sad. Then the fucking gossip blog is adding fuel to the fire by suggesting Kris would INTENTIONALLY try to break the two of them up. I told Bam that Kris wasn’t that kind of guy but I think the impression is pretty much like in his head already? Hopefully there’s not beef between them now?

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[HOSEOK] Shit’s gucci between us. He’s happy as fuck -- I can tell. He’s my friend, so that means I’m happy as hell too. Bammie’s a sweet kid and I think he’ll be very good for Hoseok. It’s kinda nice to go from being emotionally closed off to finally finding that one person you really vibe with. That’s kinda how it is between us but he’s just like my best friend. I could really tell him anything, even the shit he doesn’t wanna hear. I wish him only the best in the future. He deserves it.

[TAEHYUNG] He and Namjoon got into it over....I’m not too sure. Like, I saw it happen but I’m still not sure what fucked Taehyung up in the first place. So, Namjoon apologized and Taehyung essentially threw it back in his face. I’ve fought with all of them but there wasn’t a point when I wasn’t willing to dish an apology or accept one. Because we’re brothers before anything else. We’ve been through it together. We’re still going through it together. And now, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I suppose I should approach Taehyung with some sort of peace offering but I just feel awkward. Like, is he mad at me too? I feel like it stemmed from something I said in the past but that was such a small blip on the timeline of our friendship that it never mattered until now. He feels embarrassed or something about the dynamic of his and Jimin’s relationship when the one between me and Namjoon is the exact shame. Plus, there ain’t shit that’s gonna make me feel bad for liking what I like -- loving who I live. I don’t know. It’s like a quiet smolder now. They just don’t talk and I guess neither do we.

[JIMIN] I reached out to Jimin after all that went down and he said that neither he nor Taehyung had anything against me. He’s just easier to talk to, I guess, because I know anger wouldn’t be his go to emotion. I really couldn’t deal with anyone being angry at me I feel a little sorry for Tae and Jimin, though. We really try to include them and joke around with them but somehow I feel like it just doesn’t work. That’s my fault and I’m trying to do better. I just hope they get that.

[NAMJOON] I keep thinking about what Namjoon told me about his little brother -- how much, how deeply it hurt him. There’s nothing I can do about it, it’s long past now, except making his present as happy as possible. But how can I do that when an essential piece of myself and my life goes on unbeknownst to him? And he’s always saying ‘I know everything about Yoongi’. I even blatantly said to him that he didn’t and yet....I feel like he didn’t take me seriously. I’m lying to him -- majorly. He trusts me not to do that and yet day in and day out I make excuses about why I’m not coming to bed at night or why I’m busy all day. This shit’s crazy but it’s never been more important for me to be on top of shit. Because if I slip even a little I know they’re coming after him first.

[KRIS] In my last update or whatever the hell, he came to mind. Intentionally I left his name off the list, though, because I was resigned not to call this dude my friend. I didn’t like him. Didn’t like how he fawned over Namjoon, didn’t like that maybe he was a better lay for Hoseok than I was. I was jealous and holy fuck I secretly hated him. Maybe he knew -- I definitely feel like there was a tension between us. At some point, though, I let it go and now things between him and I are weird. I’m flirting with him a lot. Which is fine because Namjoon admitted he has a crush on him. I’m not sure it’s that deep for me yet but he’s entertaining and sexy -- I don’t mind. Namjoon propositioned both of us about a threesome. He’s bringing some major emotional baggage to the table so the idea fizzled out but Joonie and I still went to visit him. We’re hanging around still now. I don’t feel threatened but I wonder if Namjoon does.

[JIN] Jin opened up to me in a real way. He told me what he does in his second life and fuck...it was just nice realizing that someone can fucking understand. I told him about my affiliations and all the shit I do for a gang I joined when I was too young to think. It felt so fucking good to admit that and not be judged or feared for it. And I know he won’t tell anyone. I won’t tell anyone either. I don’t think any of the others could handle it , anyway.

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This is my lock/home screen now.

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🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Tomorrow may rain…. So, I’ll look toward the sun..

[realeyesrecognizereallies]

JAN 19 2018 // Self-para

Triggers: guns, drugs

My phone buzzes at 2:17 a.m. I was already awake. Namjoon isn’t. I untangle myself from him to go look. I already know who it is. Only one person hits me up at this hour. 

...: Time to clock in.

What kind of fucked up work pun is that? I roll my eyes and get out of bed, trying not to wake Namjoon. When I turn back to him, it hits me heavy that I don’t want to leave. When I was a kid, I never really minded the random calls for jobs in the middle of the night but now there’s a reason why I want to stay. I crouch down by the edge of the bed to run my fingers through his hair, kissing him softly on the forehead before I go to what was previously my room. I didn’t spend a lot of time here anymore but everything is exactly how I left it. The false back panel behind my bookshelf is still there. The cash and the coke and the pistol are all still there -- all still illegal. I grab the last, tucking it into the waist of my jeans, sliding the bookshelf back against the wall. And again, it’s just a place to hold all my records and speakers.

I pass by Namjoon’s room door and seeing his sleeping form makes me stop. Not long ago, he broke down in my arms while telling me what might be his deepest secret. And here I am after that, blatantly living my mistruth, having no intentions of ever telling him or anyone else. I don’t want to leave....but I do anyway. Hopefully, I’ll be back before the sun comes up.