jotaro's not going to fuck you, beloved.

taking requests / submissions!

[realisticjojoxreader]

this blog is parody

requests / submissions are: OPEN

content can be found here

answered asks are here

non-content is here

ask box is here

submissions page is here

rules for submissions are here

like my stuff? want to support me? tip me on ko-fi! want to see my other stuff? check out my neocities!

[realisticjojoxreader]

i get this is parody and the concept is funny but i can’t tell if your writing is ironically ass like you’re writing actually sucks

it took me forever to understand what the hell i was reading but if that’s the point of it then go you !

weaksauce anon hate

[realisticjojoxreader]

if requests are open….jotaro getting jealous over some guy flirting with y/n🥺🥺

IGNORE THAT THIS IS OVER TWO YEARS LATE.

jotaro x reader (?), kind of an au i guess. he's part 4 age, 1.3k

"Hi, honey," says a voice, clearly directed at you. When you turn around, you see some guy standing there, shooting you a frankly stunning smile. He's not just some guy… he's Some Guy, and when he winks at you, you feel yourself flush despite everything. You're normally less susceptible to flirting from random strangers but holy shit, this guy is cute as hell. What's a person like you to do? Not react? Ridiculous. Perish the thought. "Come here often?" Oof.

Despite never having seen this man before, and despite the completely generic, awful pickup line he just used on you, you decide the guy is worth your time. He's just too damn hot to let go. If you don't shoot your shot, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. So what if he's kind of an idiot? Look at that jawline! Those curls!

"Hi," you reply shyly, twirling your hair around your finger. If he's allowed to be ridiculously cliche, then you are, too. It's called equality. "I do, actually."

His eyes light up with delight, for some reason, even though your reply was incredibly boring. You guess that makes sense, considering the guy's opener. He's probably just kind of a boring guy. At least he's gorgeous. "Does that mean you can help me out here? I'm kind of lost."

…Lost? How is he lost? This is a boba place. There are menus on every available surface. Ordering boba is really not all that complicated but hey, it's a foot in the door with this sexy, sexy man, so whatever.

In an extraordinary show of patience, you walk Some Guy through every step of ordering bubble tea. He is very hot but he is not very smart.

When he asks you what your favorite flavor is, you smile shyly and tell him your exact order. With a big dumb grin on his face, he turns to the cashier and orders what you helped him decide on, as well as your favorite, confirming your suspicion that he's buying you a drink. (That basically makes this a date, right? Right.) The cashier, clearly thankful that the two of you are finally done holding up the line, rings it up and shoos you both toward the pickup end of the counter.

Over on the pickup side, you damn near have a heart attack. You don't know how you didn't notice it before, but the employee here—who has apparently been here the whole time—is the most handsome man you've ever seen in your life. He is so beautiful he makes Some Guy look like just some guy. (Wait, wait, he gave a name for the order… Daniel? You think it's Daniel. Let's go with Daniel.)

The employee is just kind of standing around, waiting for the drinks to be made. To fill the silence, Daniel chats mindlessly, standing a little closer to you than is probably warranted, but you don't mind.

Handsome Employee, however, looks at Daniel like Daniel killed his fucking family, all narrowed eyes and furrowed eyebrows. You think that if Handsome Employee looked at you like that, you'd pee your pants, but Daniel doesn't even seem to notice it. Hot, dumb, and ballsy, that Daniel. He's like an anime character.

Daniel, all smiles, wraps his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into a side-hug. While this might have been nice earlier, when he was Some Guy, now he's just some guy and you're not really loving him touching you unprompted. Handsome Employee doesn't seem to be loving it, either, which is interesting. He looks… Well, more than pissed, he looks kind of jealous?

There's no way, though, right? He must be seething over something else.

Blithe as anything, his arm tight around you, Daniel looks at Handsome Employee and teases, "Everything good? Y'got a mighty frown."

Somehow, Handsome Employee's expression sours further. He looks like he's trying to blow Daniel up with his mind. "Kinda handsy," he says, voice like gravel. And what else could it possibly be? He's jealous.

But why? Does he… Oh, God, he likes you, doesn't he? This is the best day of your life!

It makes sense, you think. You look unusually adorable today—Daniel approached you, too, remember—and this is your favorite boba place. You're here, like, all the time. It's not unreasonable to think Handsome Employee noticed you! You definitely notice regulars at your job, so why wouldn't he notice his?

His gaze is pure poison. It makes you giddy. You feel stupid with it. You know you should step away from Daniel, should try to clear up the misunderstanding, should flaunt your availability, but… Well, it's kind of nice to be wanted!

As if reading your mind, Daniel pulls you even closer. "This one doesn't seem to mind," he says, jostling you a little.

You blush. You nod. Handsome Employee looks apoplectic. Instead of commenting, though, another employee arrives, two cups in hand. They hand them over to Handsome Employee and quickly turn away, perhaps sensing the rancid vibes. Voice caustic, Handsome Employee holds up your drink and the monstrosity that Daniel ordered and grits out, "Order up."

Neither of you move to grab the drinks.

Handsome Employee's eye twitches. "Order up," he repeats meaningfully, his knuckles whitening around the cups. "Let go of that freak and get your damn drinks."

Wow. It's kind of a wonder the guy hasn't been fired, with customer service like that. Calling Daniel a freak right to his face! You forgive Handsome Employee, of course, because he's so handsome, but still. It's a little rude.

Daniel smiles wide, opens his mouth, but Handsome Employee cuts him off with, "You're not cute, Devin."

Oh. It's Devin. You were close!

"I'm the cutest," says not-Daniel. He looks self-satisfied and punch-drunk. He looks like today is the best day of his life, though you can't fathom why. He's about to lose you to a lowly boba shop employee! "And you're jealous!"

"If you don't come grab these drinks," growls Handsome Employee, his eyes like fire, "I'm going to throw them."

Upon hearing that, you spring into action, because this is your favorite top and you'd really rather it not get covered in milk tea and that toxic slutch Devin ordered. Wiggling out from under Devin's arm, you zip over to the counter, arms outstretched. You only grab yours, though. Devin's on his own.

Instead of just letting you take your drink, though, Handsome Employee grabs your arm and pulls you towards him with a frankly unwarranted amount of force. His skin is so warm it almost burns. He leans forward, and you can't help but lean in, too.

You feel giddy. What's he going to say to you that he couldn't say in front of Devin?

"Touch my boyfriend again," says Handsome Employee, "and you're going home in a body bag. Now get the fuck out of here." And with that, he lets you go. The sudden release sends you flying backwards. You land heavily on your ass, probably bruising your tailbone.

Looming over you with a smarmy grin is Devin. "Thanks for all your help, you were a peach," he says, and he has the gall to fucking wink at you. "It's hard to get Jotaro riled up, you know? So I appreciate your sacrifice." He grabs his drink from his boyfriend, punctures the lid like a pro, then takes a long pull. "Delish! Alright, babe, I'm outta here, I'll see you at home. Byeeee!" Then he's out the door.

A beat of silence. You feel dizzy. You want to cry. "How long are you going to sit on the floor?" Jotaro asks acerbically, and you just can't take it anymore. You fling your drink at him. As if on instinct, he punches it away from him, and it, of course, explodes in a shower of milk tea and tapioca pearls.

Scrambling over the counter, Jotaro is on you in a flash, grabbing you by your collar like a naughty kitten. He drags you out of the door. "Never come back here!" And with that, he tosses you bodily, and you land with a wet splat in a nearby drainage ditch turned canal with the recent rain.

All that and you didn't even get to drink your boba.

[realisticjojoxreader]

HELLO EVERYONE I'VE JUST REMEMBERED THIS ACCOUNT. SEND REQUESTS

i'm up to date on jojo so any part goes

[realisticjojoxreader]

the way i posted this and then didn't actually post any new writing.

that changes soon. just finished up an answer to an ask from 2 years ago. will probably finish at least one more. keep an eye out for it either later today or tomorrow, once i do final edits

[realisticjojoxreader]

HELLO EVERYONE I'VE JUST REMEMBERED THIS ACCOUNT. SEND REQUESTS

i'm up to date on jojo so any part goes

[realisticjojoxreader]

About the matchups is like: someone gives information about themself (like genre, sexuality, personality, etc) and then you match them with a character and describe what kind of relationship you would have, ihope that explains

oh hmm that could be fun..... bearing in mind that my replies would be satirical and therefore probably a bit on the rude side, would anyone be interested in this? like this post / send me an ask if you are!!

[realisticjojoxreader]

reminder to weigh in on this!!

[realisticjojoxreader]

About the matchups is like: someone gives information about themself (like genre, sexuality, personality, etc) and then you match them with a character and describe what kind of relationship you would have, ihope that explains

oh hmm that could be fun..... bearing in mind that my replies would be satirical and therefore probably a bit on the rude side, would anyone be interested in this? like this post / send me an ask if you are!!

[realisticjojoxreader]

Do you make matchups? That would be funny as hell lol

i’m not actually sure what you mean by this? i’m kind of out of touch with fandom stuff lol!! if someone explains it to me and it’s something i think will fit into this blog, i might try it out :)

[realisticjojoxreader]

This is honest-to-god one of the best blogs I’ve ever seen

thanks lol

[realisticjojoxreader]

IM IN LOVE WITH YOUR BLOG AHAHAHAHA sometimes im kinda sick of seeing the typical romance stuff duff so founding the more realistic fanfic makes me so happy shsjhd

thank you lol i think earnest self shipping stuff is very silly and this blog is my way of poking fun at the concept

[realisticjojoxreader]

For writing requests: Hugging the Crusaders!!!!!!!! 😳🥺👉🏻👈🏻

this was very fun to write lol these guys suck

stardust crusaders x reader (?), part 3 obviously, 1.4k

JOSEPH:

You ask for a hug and he obliges instantly, starved for affection since his grandson will barely speak to him. His arms are warm around you, stronger than they should be at his age, and he holds you tight, like you’re the only thing in the world that matters. It feels like you’re the center of his universe.

Taking a deep breath, you wrinkle your nose. What is that smell...? Is that his aftershave? It’s like dust, almost, mixed with wet paper. Where on earth did he get something like that? Why does he use it? It stinks.

The hug is so comfortable, though, and you feel so loved, that you can ignore the weird old man smell. His shirt is scratchy against your skin.

After a long moment, he releases you, hands brushing gently through your hair. Then, something snags, tugging on your hair. Hard. Like, really hard. It actually really fucking hurts. You recoil instinctively, which just pulls your hair even harder, making your scalp burn.

“Oh no!!” screams Joseph, so loudly that you flinch, which just tugs your hair yet again, and you yelp. “Oh shit!! My prosthetic hand is caught in your hair!!”

“Why aren’t you wearing your glove?!”

He hisses apologetically. “I, uh, took it off when I went to the loo.” Oh my god, ew. What the fuck, dude? For a long moment, he stands there trying to undo what he's done, wiggling his fingers in your hair completely ineffectually. “I don’t think we can untangle this ourselves," he says eventually, taking the L. "Let’s go get my grandson.” He turns toward where the others are all standing and takes a slow but confident step forward.

Then Joseph, graceful as ever, trips over absolutely nothing and falls like a sack of bricks. You thoughtlessly brace yourself with your Stand to make sure he doesn’t drag you down, too, forgetting that his hand is very much still stuck in your hair. He falls and takes a hand-sized chunk of your hair with him, leaving you partially bald and sobbing from the pain.

You collapse to the ground, screaming, and the others rush over, finally noticing that something’s happening over here.

“Oops,” says Joseph, holding up a fistful of your hair.

“Nice haircut, idiot,” says Jotaro, looking at you with a tiny smile on his face, like today is Christmas and your partial baldness is his gift from Santa. God, fuck the entire Joestar bloodline. You hope DIO kills them all. They'd absolutely have it coming, though you'd miss Holly.

The only reason you don't abandon them is a promise from Joseph that he'll cover all your expenses until you're back home.

ABDUL:

You ask for a hug and he squints, for second, as if unsure you meant it. When you smile encouragingly, he smiles back and steps forward to wrap you up in his arms.

The hug is warm, like sheets that have just been pulled from the dryer, complete with the clean smell of fresh linen. You’re not sure how he smells so good, seeing as you’ve been traveling in the desert for days, now, and everyone else stinks to high heaven, but you won’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

His jewelry rattles as bit as he starts to sway, still holding you tight. You’ve never felt so safe before, especially not since the group made it to Egypt, closing in on DIO in Cairo. As long as you stay in Abdul’s arms, nothing bad can happen.

He pulls back a bit to look you in the eyes. His expression is so hopelessly kind that you have to look away, overwhelmed with it. “Look at me,” he says, voice soft as anything, and you oblige. He says half of your name before his face contorts, as if he’s in pain.

“Abdul? Are you—” you get cut off when Abdul sneezes, right on your face, right into your open mouth. “FUCK!” God, it was so wet, you're going to fucking lose it. You can’t help but punch him in the shoulder.

Because he’s a nice person, Abdul is horrified by what he’s just done to you and also graciously ignores you hitting him. “I’m so sorry!”

It was an accident, so you really can’t get too mad, but you’re still upset. That was so fucking gross.

Something smells weird, now, too. Like smoke.

“Hey, noroma,” says Jotaro, calling you the little nickname he has for you—you don't know what it means, but you're the only one he calls that, which you kind of love. It means you're special to him. Him and the others are finally back from the gas station convenience store, arms full of snacks and water. Jotaro looks bored as ever when he tells you, “Your jacket’s on fire.”

Ah. That explains the smoke smell.

Ultimately, your jacket is ruined and you have minor burns on your wrists. You ask the Crusaders to drop you off at the Cairo airport, because you can’t keep fucking doing this, not after what Joseph did to your hair yesterday.

But then Polnareff makes some revolting-ass puppy dog eyes at you, imploring you to stay, and for some reason, you cave. Anything to get him to stop making that awful face.

POLNAREFF:

You ask for a hug and he grins at you, big and stupid and pleased as punch. That's the expression he makes any time anyone is ever nice to him.

His hug is a little awkward, like he's not used to having someone so close to him. It'd make you feel bad for him if he didn't stink to high heaven. You kind of expected that—he's French, after all—so you're able to ignore it, for the most part. It's not like the others smell like a bag of roses, either, except Abdul, because he rules. (Destroyed jacket and burns that still smart something awful notwithstanding.) It's been a long journey.

After not very long at all, Polnareff starts to get antsy, almost vibrating in your arms. What is he, five years old? Can't he relax long enough for a single hug?

Then he starts giggling, which puts you on edge instantly. Nothing good can come out of him when he's snickering like that.

Before you can pull away, though, you find out why he's giggling.

He's still cackling when he presses his wet, sweat-soaked palms against the bare skin of your arms. You violently recoil and, with more anger than you felt even when Joseph partially balded you, you punch Polnareff right in his stupid fucking nose.

Blood erupts from his face like a geyser. Before you can even laugh at him, something hits you with the force of a moving train. It feels… naked?

Oh. It's Star Platinum. Great. Great! That's just what you needed today, to get your ass beat by Jotaro and his mostly-naked guy of a stand.

Maybe DIO's taking applications.

You almost walk off yet again, but Joseph reminds you of his promise and promises that you're allowed to sit in the front of every car from now on. He also stops Jotaro from kicking the shit out of you, so you stick around, though you suspect you'll regret it.

KAKYOIN:

You ask for a hug and he looks at you like you have two heads. “Me?” he asks incredulously, looking around as if searching for the person you were really talking to. The others are all in the restaurant's restroom right now.

“Yes, you. Who else?” There’s literally no one else around.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t really do hugs. Could you go ask Jotaro or something?”

JOTARO:

Instead of asking for a hug—you know he'll just say no—you ambush him with one, waiting for him to turn the corner and walk right into your open arms. This wouldn't normally work, but you made sure to spring your trap when he was in a heated (though still playful) argument with Polnareff about whale sharks.

Just as you planned, he notices you far too late to stop you, and you grin wide as you wrap your arms around him. He feels solid and warm. You never want to let go.

Jotaro doesn't give you much of a choice.

"Ew," he says before summoning Star Platinum, who grabs you by the scruff of the neck like a naughty kitten. "This is why I call you noroma. Fucking dipshit." And with that, Star Platinum flings you bodily into the dirty ass canal running along the side of the road.

DIO is, in fact, taking applications. You get rejected.

[realisticjojoxreader]

okay so i have 1 more already completed thing for this blog, then i’ll be fresh out, so..... send more requests!! (NO MORE MILK ONES, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

[realisticjojoxreader]

Jotaro beats the shit out of your boss 🥺🥺🥺

sorry this took so long lol

jotaro x reader (?), probably between parts 3 and 4, 1.1k

"This guy bothering you?" asks Jotaro, eyes flashing. He looks about ready to kill a man, which works out for you, honestly, because you have a man in desperate need of a gruesome end.

Your boss smirks that awful smirk of his and says, "No, we're all good here."

"I wasn't talking to you," Jotaro says bluntly. "I was talking to this one." He gestures toward you, and you feel yourself blush ever so slightly. Truth be told, he's never given you the time of day before this, despite your best efforts. You're not even sure if he knows your name. It's nice to have him acknowledge your existence after weeks of you subtly making goo-goo eyes at him. "This guy bothering you?"

Uh oh, you think, watching as your boss's face starts to get red and splotchy like it does before he blows his lid. He's going to kill Jotaro.

Jotaro could probably defend himself, if it came down to it, but you would still prefer things didn't escalate. It would be nice to see your boss get his stupid face beat in, though. That might rule, actually. The more you think about it, the more you kind of want it to escalate, because Jotaro would almost definitely kick your boss's ass, and that would fucking shred.

"How dare you speak to me like that!" shrieks your boss, obnoxious and ear-piercing as ever. "Get the hell out of my restaurant!"

"This isn't a restaurant," Jotaro points out quite fairly, "it's a coffee shop. And no, I'm not leaving. I already paid. I just need my other drink. Leave your employee alone so I can get Jiji's nasty coffee and leave."

In your wisest move of the day, you say nothing, skirting around your boss and trying to finish Jotaro's order. Professional legend over here.

Your boss, though, won't let it go, because of course he won't. He's a fucking moron and you hate his guts. "Absolutely not! I want you out of here right this instant or I'm calling the police! You hear me?! The police!"

"For what? I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't even curse at you. You can't just take my money like that."

"Out, out, out!" howls your boss, so angry that he grabs a bottle of liquid vanilla flavoring and hurls it at Jotaro, who lets it hit him right in the chest. You wonder why he doesn't dodge, because you know he can. You've seen him react almost instantaneously before, most notably when you nearly spilled hot coffee on his lap—he moved so fast it was like he teleported. Why not get out of the way?

The answer is this: Jotaro is now allowed to snap. Having been hit with something, having been attacked, having been assaulted, legally speaking, he's not the one who escalated. Now it's self-defense. Now he's free to beat ass. "You wanna take this outside? Fine." And with that he leans forward, grabs your boss by the collar of his idiotic polo shirt, lifts the man over the counter, and drags him out the front door. The casual display of strength makes you a little hot under the collar.

You quickly finish Jotaro's second drink and grab both of them with your sweaty hands. As soon as they're safely cradled in a paper tray, you hurry outside under the guise of giving Jotaro his order, but you know full well you're really going to gleefully watch your boss get his ass kicked. It's gonna fucking rule.

Outside, Jotaro and your boss are standing across from one another, both doing weird poses that look worryingly unstable. You wonder if a freak gust of wind would be enough to knock one of them off balance—with the way your boss's knees are positioned, you're almost sure it would be. How is that even anatomically possible? And don't even get me started on Jotaro, who's leaning back like the goddamn Tower of Pisa and pointing like he's Phoenix fucking Wright. Are you an insane people magnet? You thought Jotaro was normal, for Christ's sake, but now he's just yelling in the street and doing some kind of elaborate LARPing.

When you came out here, you expected to see someone getting punched. You did not expect to see two grown men just stand and scream, flailing wildly as if they're dodging imaginary punches. Maybe you should go back in and empty the tip jar while your boss is otherwise occupied.

Then, it happens. "Fuck this," says Jotaro, before rearing back and punching your boss square in the face. Something cracks. The sound echoes.

Your boss howls with pain and you can't keep the grin off your face, glad to see the man who's treated you like shit for so long finally get what he deserves. You're not sure why Jotaro got involved at all, but you're so, so glad he did. ...Hopefully this won't have repercussions for you.

Crumbling into a broken heap on the ground, your boss says nothing more. He's not dead or anything, though, just injured and embarrassed.

Jotaro says his catchphrase and rolls his shoulders before walking over to you, one hand in his pocket. "Those mine?"

You nod, handing over the paper tray, face burning. You've never had someone stand up for you like that before. Standing there, looking up at Jotaro, you're overcome with the need to say something, anything, to express your gratitude. "Thank you," you say emphatically, though it doesn't feel like enough.

"Whatever," says Jotaro, not even looking at you. He takes the drink and turns on his heel to presumably walk away.

"Wait!" He stops. He turns. He looks at you, eyes narrowed. "Um. Seriously. I owe you one for standing up for me like that." Okay. Time to shoot your shot. The worst he can do is say no, right? You'll probably survive a rejection. "Can I make it up to you with coffee sometime? Or maybe dinner?"

He looks at you like you're the dumbest person alive. "You think I did that for you? I just wanted my stupid drinks."

"Oh, but I thought…"

"You thought wrong. I wanted my shitty drinks and your ultra-capitalist boss was getting in the way of that. If there was another barista there, I would've asked them to make it, since I'm sick of you making that nasty face at me, but you were the only one there."

So he did notice the goo-goo eyes. "But—"

"Yare yare daze." And with that, you feel yourself lifted off the ground, but Jotaro's not touching you. Before you can get even a single word out, you're flying through the air, landing with a splat in a nearby canal.

Wait, what the fuck?! There are no canals around here! There should be an Ulta here! Where did this canal come from?! How did you end up here, is Jotaro fucking telekinetic?! And WHAT IS THAT BITING YOUR ANKLE—?!

[realisticjojoxreader]

almost finished with my last request........ feel free to send more............

[realisticjojoxreader]

if i had a dollar for every person who reblogged that baby jotaro post, presumably not having read it, and then later deleted their reblog..........

[realisticjojoxreader]

gotten a few new followers and just wanted to say hello....... this is a parody account........... send me requests if u want....... submit your own parody x reader shit............... why not go mad

[realisticjojoxreader]

Omggg if ur really taking x reader reuqests...... can u mayb write something about joot turning into a baby?? and like... mayb he has star plat like carry him over to u.... and he wont let u put him down......... plz plz 🥺🥺

*one finger on the monkey's paw curls in*

jotaro x reader (??), part 4, 1.1k

“Look,” says Josuke, voice imploring, “I need you to watch him for, like, ten minutes tops. I gotta go find who did this to him.”

You look down at the toddler Josuke is trying to hand you, wondering why the kid looks so fucking pissed off. He’s gotta be like three, max. What does he have to be so angry about? “Did what to him? Piss him off?” When you grab the toddler, he clings to the front of your shirt, probably because Josuke was holding him rather precariously. Even though you're now holding him securely, the furious scowl doesn’t leave his face. Maybe he’s just a grumpy baby. At least he's cute.

“He’s 28,” Josuke says, not even looking at you as he scans the area. “He just got turned into a baby. Look, it’s complicated, can you just make sure he doesn’t die before I can change him back?”

28? “Oh my god, is this your hot cousin?”

“My hot nephew,” corrects Josuke. “But yeah. Have fun!” And with that, he’s off, jogging down the road toward only God knows where.

The kid’s tiny hands tighten on your shirt and you look down at him, chuckling at his furrowed eyebrows and exaggerated pout. What a drama queen! “So are you still yourself but in the body of a baby, or are you just, like, a baby now?” You figure it can’t hurt to ask, even though it seems unlikely that this is really Jotaro. Then again, you’ve seen Josuke magically fix shattered doors, so who are you to say what is and isn’t possible?

“Ora,” says Jotaro, looking about as murderous as a chubby toddler can look.

“Is that a yes, or…?”

“Ora!”

Okay, this is getting nowhere. “How about you blink once for yes and twice for no?” He blinks once. Wow, alright, we're getting somewhere. “Okay. Are you still yourself?” He blinks once again. “Alright then, do you want me to put you down?” He blinks once yet again so you oblige, gently setting him down on the ground. You’re glad for it, honestly, because he was kind of heavy.

You stand back up and put your hands on your hips, wondering what to do now. Josuke probably expects you to stay here so he can find you again, since neither of you have cell phones, but what are you supposed to do in the meantime? Jotaro’s still himself as far as you know, so it’s not like you have to entertain an actual toddler, but you still don’t want to just stand around doing nothing. Maybe there are some fish in the canal nearby that the two of you can look at. Jotaro’s a marine biologist, right? He probably likes fish.

That in mind, you take a few steps toward the canal, peering into it.

Unbeknownst to you, since your back is turned and also you're normal, Jotaro has summoned his stand, which is larger than him but still far smaller than you. Star Platinum lifts Jotaro about two feet off the ground, heading towards you with the wobbly gait of a child who just learned to walk.

When you turn away from the canal to check on Jotaro, you see him floating in midair, getting closer and closer. “What the fuck?” you ask, but you don’t move, simply holding out your arms to receive the baby.

Star Platinum hands over Jotaro with a self-satisfied smile, but you can’t see that.

“Changed your mind, huh?” you ask Jotaro, who blinks once at you, because you’re an idiot who still hasn’t realized that babies (and all humans, actually) blink once all the time. It’s called blinking. He wasn’t answering you—he was just blinking normally. You, of course, are still totally clueless, talking at this toddler like he knows what the fuck is going on.

Jotaro leans up and grabs a fistful of your hair, tugging on it a little harder than is comfortable. “Ora ora,” he says petulantly, still looking pissed as hell. That’s pretty normal for him, though, so you don’t pay it any mind.

“This is kind of nice,” you tell him, lightly pinching his cheek. “You’re really cute—ah, what the fuck!” Did he just bite you?!

He did! He just bit your finger like a real toddler would!

“You’re a real piece of work, dude. Just ‘cause you look like a baby doesn’t mean you get to act like one. You’re 28 years old, man, get it together,” you tell the toddler who can’t understand you, drawing (quite justified) concerned looks from a couple walking by.

Frowning even further, somehow, Jotaro pulls harder on your hair. You grab his wrist and gently pull it away from you, because that shit hurts.

That was, apparently, the final straw. When your arm gets within range, Jotaro launches a counterattack, biting your arm with all of the strength in his tiny toddler body, which is far more than you would’ve expected. “Ow, fuck!” you yell, flailing, dropping Jotaro in the process.

Star Platinum is, unfortunately, too slow and too clumsy to catch its user, so Jotaro lands like a sack of potatoes on the concrete sidewalk. He, of course, starts to wail.

It only then occurs to you that there was perhaps an issue with your ‘blink once for yes’ system. Jotaro may, in fact, actually be a toddler.

Mortified that you injured what could be a real child, you take a step toward him, arms extended to check the extent of the damage. He doesn’t seem to be bleeding or anything, which is good. Your arm certainly is, but you probably won’t bleed out from that, so you don’t worry about it. As long as you don’t fall into that dirty ass canal or something, you’ll be fine.

Unfortunately for you, Star Platinum is smaller, yes, but not much weaker than its usual self. Especially not when its target is a normal ass person who can’t see Stands and hasn’t gone to the gym in six years. When you get too close to the (still sobbing) Jotaro, Star Platinum rears back and punches you right in the solar plexus, hard as it can.

Since you can’t see Stands, you’re completely blindsided when something knocks the wind out of you and sends you flying right into the aforementioned dirty ass canal.

“Oh my God!” a voice shouts, one you recognize as Josuke. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll live,” you croak out, “As long as there’s no flesh-eating bacteria in this water.” I, uh, won’t tell you if there is or isn’t flesh-eating bacteria in the canal, but you might want to go to the hospital, just in case.

“Cool,” says Josuke. “I found the guy, so I’ll be taking Jotaro. Thanks for your help!” And then he just fucking walks away, the asshole.