Death…quiet…calm….to turn off my mind for long enough to know what normalcy and tranquility truly mean, to pause the pain and anguish of a tortured mind, hurt…traumatized…all by itself…self inflicted and self made….yet at the same time, a desire for life, adventure, love, feelings, emotions, interaction, new friends, faces, places, foods and experiences….as if the rift between this constant rip tide of desires…the subduction of my mental homeostasis of positive thought, towards the deep dark trenches of perilous reaches of my Unfathomably creative, vivid, irrational and destructive psyche….Again-Fetty Wap…a night spent dreaming in these lonely halls I call dream state is filled with creatures so horrifying it brings the heart to a dull thump…the skin to a crawl and the soul to a cold, cold wasteland of fear and regret….yet you turn a corner in these hallowed halls and find warmth, light, love in its deepest and most inspiring forms, the type that people write novels, film movies and get married and live together for ever…a type of love I only know exists, because I had it…and had it taken away….Faxing Berlin-Deadmau5…you can never truly appreciate love until you’ve fallen madly in it, fallen painfully out of it, or watched the one you love fall out of it with you….to me anyway, those standout as what drives the human emotion to its left, and right lateral limits so to speak….when the heart is so fond of an individual, that the sight of them sends you dangerously close to cardiac arrest, yet the loss of their feelings, touch, care and love spirals you into a comatose state fit for your deathbed, or hypothermia….as if your heart is literally dying from the pain, slowly letting go, as the warmth, the feeling, the hope drains and doesn’t come back, like the blood it pumps….Into the past(reboot)-Nero….but even with all that, I manage to stay warm, stay positive, even within massive loss of said happiness at my core, as if the main reactor had melted down and lost all power, sending deadly and fatal radiation across my mind, body and soul, a sure fire way to kill the spirit…yet amongst the disparity, the devastation there was salvation, in the form of the door that had opened, when the one I cared for most, slammed shut in my face….the rest of my life was ahead of me…20yrs old and already lost the war of attrition to a shitty girlfriend I valued almost than life itself…a woman I cared so deeply for, I’d cut my beating heart out if it would have let her live ½ a second longer….yet I found out she wouldn’t do nearly the same for me….to her I was comfort and “easy”….Always-Killswitch Engage….to her I was a pawn…I made her feel loved and cared for in a way she never had…she ran with it and then eventually ran away when I enlisted….oh well….time has told a better story than I have…or can….like a shitty romance novel had break up sex with a romantic comedy, and birthed the story that is my adult life after 21, it’s been a shit show…but even within the blaze of glory my love life has gone down in…one can only keep their head higher and their standards higher. Life doesn’t have to reward you for anything….you reward yourself…..and by letting one shitty person, in the only “functioning” relationship I’ve had….set the tone of my life….is appalling…with now rounding my 3rd year in the marine corps…it’s been a blast….ups that can’t be touched, and downs that cast my mind, soul and heart into the cold expanse of hell itself, so…teardrops on my guitar-TS…..cold, painful, dreadfully real, and abrasively sorrowful…brought me to my knees, bouts of soul tearing depression, alcoholism that only made the pain worse, that turned pain to anguish and remorse, and remorse into a desire to die….to let the demons win…let them drag me to hell and my ultimate demise….but as I sit here and type, and it be on a couch and not the worst realms of hell….Plush(acoustic)-STP….I know how strong you must be to win those battles, for at one time in my life the battle was lost….yet the war wasn’t…there was a day the demons won, the fallen angels took hold and the darkest parts of my mind and soul got the best of me, and those little pills that thrill surely didn’t thrill, but tried to kill….2009/2010 wasn’t a good year(s) to say the least….but now, many a moon after, many a laugh, cry, orgasm, wave, shot, tattoo, sailor and coke, jeep and surfboard later, the strength to never stop moving forward, healing, dealing with the pain, stress and profound emotions in life is ever apparent…679-Fetty Wap….Anthony hat’s off to you, jack of all trades but a master of none, Procurer of fun, habitual drinker of rum, never a man to run, only chasing swells and trouble, and the fast wills of his heart, deepest desires, living by the sun but loving by the moon…Everlong(acoustic)-Foo Fighters….never a moment too soon, like the phases of the moon, always there but not always seen….with style and grace, putting non to waste, always looking forms taste of something new, a brew, maybe a few…maybe just something new…hat’s off to you
