Stop calling the crumbs shit. None of you realize how hard it is to photoshop crumbs falling mid-air via a birds-eye perspective. They don't just have 'mid-air granola crumbs' on google, no one has ever thought of photographing that before. I had to color a bunch of boulders brown. I had to find images of various boulders and color them brown, whnich yeah, when I say it out loud, does make it sound like a funny euphemism for shit, but it's really more of a light brown color and it took a lot of time and effort, so stop.
okay so, guy at work, who i find out afterwards is famous at this place for being a sex pest, comes up and starts with what i also learn is his favorite opener to conversations where he’s going to be a sex pest, namely: “Do you know where the term ‘blow job’ comes from?”
and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!
his second error: approaching a little autistic freak with what he intended to be an uncomfortable sex question that would make me feel weird and gross. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I Have Never Misjudged A Man’s Intentions So Incredibly In My Life. because i did not realize he was trying to harass me. because i love talking about sex facts, albeit not usually at work. unless. someone prompts me. my coworkers are the kind of people who are generally online enough to know terms, but not exactly what they mean, and they realized they could ask me a while back and get good answers without the resulting awkwardness because i do not experience shame. i am primed to answer questions like the one he has proposed.
So I Answered It.
and well, really, what happened is that I began answering it, then realized the answer required a bit more context. I mean, you can’t just say “oh, well, the term first appears in writing in the 1940s” without first explaining that ‘blow’ by itself already had sexual connotations for centuries, and then, really, are we talking about the origin of the term or the origin of the act. and well we have a ton of literature and art depicting fellatio throughout human history, did you know a lot of it was men performing it on other men? oh, that reminds me, there are a multitude of latin words for oral sex performed on penises, and hold on let me quote you the entirety of catullus 16 from memory and explain it’s fascinating insights into the roman world of homosexuality-
i do not know how to turn any of this ^ off, by the way. i’m sure some people out there have a switch that disables their infodumping mid-speech. i do not. and i also didn’t realize he wasn’t looking for a real answer until my other coworker explained so hours later. he could not excuse himself from the conversation he started, and i made a conservative man at least 30 years older than me to listen to my catullus recitation. i will sodomize and facefuck you, indeed.
anyway, i think i got a bad grade in being sexually harassed. my pro tip is maybe don’t start with what a very autistic individual will misconstrue as you earnestly asking them to explain sex to you. the special interest shield will cause splashback damage.
#I went to the liquor store with my husband when we used to drink #asked him if he wanted to grab a box of wine for him to drink while playing with the boys later #some creepy old guy came up behind me saying "I didn't drink in front of my kids until they were 16 years old" #good for you dude? # it took two weeks before I realized he was judging our parenting. # "the boys" my husband was "babysitting" are in fact a group of 35 yr old navy vet buddies who play D&D and drink pinot grigio
Shame I've never touched instagram. Would've followed this. Also, I think my eyes are broken. For a moment, when I saw the owl in the tree, I thought it was a cat. My brain must be equally broken, because as soon as I realized it was an owl, I think "ooh, tree kitty."
Just went and found out that the only reason I wasn't diagnosed as autistic as a child was because of my good grades, which makes no sense??? Like, they deadass told my mom that. Congrats, guys! I was one of you all along!
Forgive me if this is rude, but as I sit here, looking at the sun setting behind an asphalt-laden wasteland, I can't help but to envision how much prettier it might be if every trace of human-interference were wiped from its view. We are bereft of God's glory, trapped within our own hubristic birdcage, a self-concocted prison of plastics and concrete, crushing our spirits and deafening the soul. A flat, thin crust weighs down the bones of countless bird and elk, it suffocates the soil, now-toxic to every living thing. All so, so another Subway might be erected to meagerly meet their quotas, month-after-month. So that a few employees might pay-off an invisible responsibility to a service they wish they never used - surrounded by an omnipotent-force of ugliness and power that they feel inclined to grovel under, in place of justified scrutiny. Why don't we just wipe it all out? So that I might appreciate the view?
