i really do hate coming on here JUST to vent, basically, but what is a kin blog if not something to encompass every feeling that comes along with it? (cut because hole lee shit its long. i just needed to get things out)
my current struggle is that its been. well over a year. probably close to over two years since I got a full on new kin. and I don't know how to process any of it.... most of whats happened in the past couple of years is an uptick in headmates, but no new kins, so this all feels so weird to me. how do I know what feeling is a kin feeling , and what feeling comes from a headmate? how do I know that I'm not wrong? the fact that I actually got flashes of mems and I react to sad scenes is telling enough (note to self: compare what it was like watching heath's canto with heath (I was mostly level while he wasn't, and I could feel that emotional presence mentally "behind" me, even if I still needed external grounding to help him) vs watching the 3.1 and 3.2 stuff (trying not to cry, feeling very personal)) but there's always that lurking thing of, oh, I feel like I haven't been alone while playing the game, am I wrong and he's actually an introject? its possible I've even felt like I've seen him around, but did I really? was I just mistaking what I felt for someone else, which has happened before? logically the answer is to seek guidance with the gatekeeper but I.... haven't gotten that far. and its not impossible for it to be literally anyone else as we have a generally fair quantity of headmates from the source. but. i guess that's enough on the feelings of being unsure about the kin itself, its present enough, I just worry that if he were to introject id lose this part of myself too
the real thing is just thinking about how lonely I was. how hard it was to spend every waking hour fighting. fighting and then dying and then fighting against death and then fighting and dying and rinse and repeat and repeat. never seeing anyone else. never getting to process what I had actually wanted, to tell people things they should have known. dealing with the fact that one day I would likely lose myself to that same madness I had to fight against, and then someone would have to take my place, when I didn't want that place to have to exist at all. if only there had been a better, a different way, one that let my people gain their freedom, let me have a life of my own without the constant weight of being the king everyone wanted... but then the seat would be left vacant and there was no one else to take it. if only it wouldn't have been bad to let it just crumble. and forget the whole thing. i don't even know if I would have wanted him to have that same fate, if he had passed the trial, but maybe that means he was left with an even worse one. i just know that I felt so lonely.
there were brief moments, maybe days, where the swarms of armies would cease, and id be left there alone, to sit, to reflect, to think about everything I left. everything I didn't get to do and would never get to do because I took up a different duty. things I could only hope for in another life that would likely never come.
knowing that i had to die at some point, that something happened or something knew my weakness, and I was able to stay dead, and not succumb to the madness, but be able to move on to a new world again. I've seen people talk about "oh what was the og my///dei like was he ever ruthless when taking over cities and stuff" but they misunderstand that that wasn't. how the loop worked. i always had the same circumstances. unless some how there was a time where I was never cast into the sea, never denied by death, and actually raised to be like - ugh - my father, then maybe, but that's just not.... that's not how the loop and the history even worked.
but yeah.... the main thing is just thinking about how lonely the fight was. how heartbreaking it was to have to shove any of my own wants aside for the greater good of the entirety of the world. i didn't even get to tell him things that I wanted to, if I had just had more time.
