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#ifttt #Pinterest #September 30 #2015 at 11:02AM

Testing Someone’s Love is Self-sabotage at It’s Worse

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

In Victoria-era England, women devised a complex system using their fans to let men know whether they were available (fan quickly), interested (rested on right cheek), taken (fan slowly) or horny (ripping bodices). The courting rituals of other societies across the globe and history get much stranger. In old-school Scandanavia, women looking for a partner started to wear a knife sheath. Men would make knives to slip into the sheath of the girl he loved. Subtle, I know. If a girl wasn’t into it, she’d give it back.

These traditions may seem totally unnecessary, but the fact that we don’t have a common language to simplify the dating process is causing self-inflicted heartache and unnecessary anxiety.

Without a decent courting process we’ve had to hack together our own system of answering the most basic question in relationships – “do you like/love me?”

We instead set up complex scenarios to test our partners loyalty or interest. We bait them with the promise of more intimacy. All they have to do is prove their affection.

At first, it’s easy to tell whether someone likes us. We look for obvious signs of affection. Whether someone smiles at us from across the room. Whether they plan a thoughtful first date, or immediately text us back after the first kiss.

When things aren’t clear we are tempted to force situations that would make our date’s intentions more obvious. We tell an intimate story about an ex and look for them to get angry or jealous, which is proof that they care about us. If they aren’t visually annoyed, they must not really give a shit. We dump them.

Essentially, we build individualized sets of rules or conditions that our partners must follow. But we can’t tell our partner about the rules. That would defeat the purpose!!

I had a client who dumped her new boyfriend after he forgot her birthday. Romantic birthdays were the ultimate sign of commitment to her. Of course, they’d only been on 3 dates and she had never actually told him about her upcoming birthday. But she did tell him to connect with her on Facebook and tested to see how deeply he would dig to find out about her. He hated FB and never friended her. She was irreparably disappointed.

We’ve all done something like this at some point. It’s a sadistic but normalized part of our dating culture.

We do it because we fear rejection.

We’re constantly on the lookout for signs that the person we’re dating is using us, playing a trick on us, or ready to upgrade to a thinner, prettier version of ourselves. So we are suspicious of new partners before we even say “want to grab a drink sometime?” It’s not a surprise since we’ve all experienced the trauma of a terrible heartbreak that we never saw coming.

We’ve learned to be vigilant in detecting the early signs of disinterest so we can move quickly to be the first to end things without getting hurt.

Avoiding being hurt has become the goal for many daters. Which ironically, makes it impossible for them to experience the one thing absolutely necessary for a good relationship. Vulnerability.

New lovers ride the waves between total bliss and complete terror. It’s thrilling to be with someone you can open up to and be vulnerable with. That vulnerability is also a stand-in emotion for the things we are most afraid of. A whiff of vulnerability is enough to make some people want to hurl.

Unfortunately. our tests and rules are terribly flawed.

The best lovers see through your BS

Most relationship tests are not very subtle. They feel obviously forced and inauthentic. As a person being tested, you can feel your partner pull away, communication comes to a standstill while they are waiting for you to fail. You are probably staring at an ominous text message or an unexpected moment of drama and you know there’s a right and a wrong thing to say, but you don’t know what it is.

The best partners, the emotionally intelligent, kind, caring and thoughtful ones; they can smell this drama from miles away and choose not to participate. They will kindly opt out of the relationship.

By playing games and testing partners, you immediately eliminate the ones who are worth dating.

The creeps and drama-queens are the ones who know how to play these games and manipulate the rules. These are the people you will inevitably end up with when you test your partners.

Two people constantly testing each other isn’t love.

I’ve seen whole relationships built on the ability to pass these tests. It’s a shaky foundation at best. I talk to women in abusive relationships that stay with their boyfriends because 3 years ago when they were having a meltdown, their boyfriend left work to buy them a bottle of wine and chocolate (hence passing the test and proving their love).

I’ve met people in 10 year long relationships exhausted from jumping through hoops and having to prove their loyalty over and over, under constant suspicion that they’re cheating or that they loved their ex more than their partner. They don’t leave because they’re giving the same tests. They’ve invested too much time to turn back.

My drama is not your drama

These tests are triggered by our own past trauma. For me, this trigger happens at exactly the 6 month mark. That’s when I start to feel too vulnerable. Too comfortable. I start to doubt my relationship and whether my bf is with me for the right reasons. I start to question his relationships with his exes. That’s my first test. That’s because my first 3 boyfriends bailed on me at about 6 months for their ex. That’s my trauma/drama.I build rules and conditions based on the exact story that I tell myself about why those men failed me. Those rules test that my new partner isn’t anything like those other shitty guys.

I can see that’s my MO now. I do everything I can to avoid being a shitty partner at 6 months. It blows over quickly. There is no way for my partner to know that is my history and my story. It’s different for everyone.

We run our partners through the tests based on our old stories and our biggest fears. Unfortunately, that’s completely different for everyone you meet, and there’s no way to know what a person’s story is. So the expectation that your partner will be able to see the test and pass it successfully completely depends on their ability to guess and dodge bullets.

To be clear, there is no correlation between your partners ability to guess your trauma and their ability to love and respect you.

Testing people throws off the balance.

There is nothing more humiliating than failing a test you didn’t know you were taking. Even if a partner passes the test (thanks to sheer luck) they feel disrespected and suspect. They realize that you don’t trust them. They might start to doubt you in ways they didn’t before. It’s the start of an unhealthy cycle.

It can cause an imbalance in the relationship when one person is constantly proving their affection. It’s easy to get used to the easy on-demand attention you get when someone is being tested. Having a man prove his love over and over must feel powerful in a way that is sure to crush a person’s soul. Not exactly the relationship that I would want for you!

Insecurity is not sexy

The simple fact is, testing your partner comes from a deeply rooted insecurity. Maybe you don’t feel like you are worthy of love from your partner (or anyone). Maybe you feel like you aren’t smart enough, or experienced enough, or gorgeous enough for a great relationship. So you need someone to show you that you are smart, you are experienced, you are gorgeous.

The problem is – no person can say or do anything to fully convince you.

You don’t need them to prove their love – you need YOU to prove your love.

Building your self-worth and trust in yourself starts with creating rules, but not for other people. You need to make rules and conditions for yourself. To make sure you are honoring yourself, your body and your emotional self.

Would you pass the test you are giving your lover?

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#ifttt #Pinterest #D'aw #September 21 #2015 at 11:56AM

Testing Someone's Love is Self-sabotage at It's Worse

Why do we test our love? We bait our partners with the promise of more intimacy. All they have to do is prove their undying love.

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#baiting #lovers #self sabotage #testing

Bare Minimum Boyfriend

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

How many times have you spent an evening out with friends, staring at your phone on the table amongst wine glasses. stifling your disappointment. waiting.

“For the love of god. just text back.”

While conversations happen around you, all you want to do is dissect the excuses and replay every happening that got you to this place. Stuck in a quasi relationship with a partner who is amazing in theory but who has yet to put it into action.

You’re in love-ish, if only they would do that one thing that proves that they care. But they don’t. They do the bare minimum to keep you in the relationship. Enough to make you care, but not enough to trust them.

When you’re ready to break it off (for real this time) they show up with your favorite bottle of wine or introduce you to someone in their family. Not all hope is lost, and you inflate the experience to be a sign from the gods that love is inevitable.

It’s not a sign – people are good at reading these moments and doing just enough to perpetuate the situation you’ve created in your head. We’ve learned as a culture when and how to do juuuuust enough to keep people hanging on.

Just in case you turn out to be the best option… sometime in the future.

This is a plague of our society and one that we perpetuate by clinging desperately to these pseudo-relationships without ever saying “hey – what’s our deal?”

There is a better way.

Call people on their non-committal bullshit.

You will get left by people who were going to leave anyway, but the good ones will step up.

Instead of asking for what we want – we turn inwards and blame ourselves for not being “enough”. Not beautiful or skinny enough to make them fall head over heels for us. Not smart or interesting enough to make someone commit for good. Not sexy enough for them to stop sleeping with other people.

Believe me, you are enough.

But our FOMO dating world has made it easy for non-committal turds to keep playing this game.

And these turds are not bad people – we have all been on both sides of this at one point or another. I’ve been a turd more than a few times.

Not out of intentional manipulation, but because not breaking up was easier than having one difficult conversation. And it was better than being alone. I thought it was worth hedging my bets. It wasn’t.

And we can get away with it because no one ever asks us the tough questions or has definitive conversations about relationships. We assume and hypothesize and drop subtle hints (that are never picked up).

Until we collectively raise our expectations of our partners – even just in casual dating relationships our pseudo partners have no reason to do more than the bare minimum.

So just ask:

Hey – I really like you – but it’s not ok that you’re always canceling plans last minute. It’s rude.

I like our late night booty calls, but I want to see you during the day too. I need more than just sex to have a relationship, even a casual one.

I don’t date people who don’t text me back. Ever. See you around!!

Tell your person that you’re upset or annoyed when they do something that doesn’t work for you. It’s not a threat, it’s common courtesy. Let’s all start standing up for what we need. Let’s all take responsibility for how we make other people feel. Having these simple conversations out loud will raise the collective bar for everyone.

Imagine if we all had higher standards and people who didn’t text back or treated partners with disrespect were the outsiders instead of the norm. That’s a possibility.

Let’s raise the bare minimum.

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Bare Minimum Boyfriend

How many times have you spent an evening out with friends, staring at your phone on the table amongst wine glasses. stifling your disappointment. waiting.

“For the love of god. just text back.”

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#bare minimum #commitment issues #non-commital #relationship problems #texting

Practice strange love.

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

Practice saying “I love you.”

Practice all the damn time.

Tell your Mom you love her. Not just “I love you” but give it some explanation. Tell her you love her in a way that feels frustrating but will last for literally ever. Tell your friends that you love them in a way that makes you miss them in the middle of the day even when you’re meeting them later for drinks.

Tell your dog and your neighbor and the guy who delivers pizza. This expression of love is strange, but it’s honest. And tell them what kind of love it is. There’s no shame in saying I love you. Love doesn’t come in a one-size-fits-all package.

Practice saying I love you – so when you find yourself in that moment, scared out of your mind to say those words, they don’t feel awkward or unfamiliar.

Let those 3 words stand on their own.

If you practice, you’ll never have to say “that came out wrong” or feel the devastating regret of not saying it at all.

Of course you’ll screw it up, and forget to say it. But your Mom and Kyle the pizza guy will understand.

Too many people wait until it’s do-or-die, the eleventh hour, the moment of truth. If you’re staring down the barrel of your failing relationship, it’s not the time to be practicing “I love you.”

Better to say it too early, than too late.

So start saying it now. Look around you – who’s in the room? Tell them! (I’ll wait…)

Make it a daily practice. A necessity. Love should feel like brushing your teeth.

You’ll never need to search for the words to describe your love. You won’t have to resort to cliche’s when you describe the way your person make you feel after your first night together. You won’t answer “nothing” when they ask you “what are you thinking about?”

You will be able to say “I love you, but I don’t think this is a healthy relationship.” “I love you, but I don’t want to have a baby.” “I love you, and I am ready to make this thing official.”

These moments are too important not to practice.

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#Practice strange love.

Practice strange love.

Say I love you all the damn time. Say it too early and say it often.

Practice saying “I love you.”

Practice all the damn time.

Tell your dog and your…

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#love #saying i love you

Libido-based decision making

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

So, you’ve got a big decision to make.

Maybe you’ve been offered a big (but risky) job opportunity, you’re deciding to stay in a relationship or go, or you’re putting an offer in for a new house…

There must be a thousand voices telling you what you should do. External voices like your parents, your partner and your boss, reminding you not to fuck things up.

Internal voices like your inner critic, your inner mean girl, and your enthusiastic inner child, telling you that you don’t have what it takes, that everyone’s watching, that maybe you need more time to prepare.

Sifting through those voices and their diametrically opposed opinions is a nightmare.

Where is your true Self in the chorus of voices?

Unfortunately, our true selves are often quiet (they’re low talkers for all you Seinfeld fans) that get drowned out by the screeching of our fears and the booming voices of possible disappointment.

Your body has this amazing barometer for decision making that often goes completely unused.

Your libido. seriously.

When you make decisions that resonate with your true Self – your body gets this buzz from your fingertips to your loins. If you’ve ever walked into a crowded room and immediately connected with a person – you know the feeling. It just turns you on. Without saying anything or making out, it flip the switch that lights you up.

Even Jung and Freud defined libido as something more than just sexual.

Libido denotes a desire or impulse which is unchecked by any kind of authority, moral or otherwise. Libido is appetite in its natural state.

Following the source of that appetite is how they recommended humans make healthy decisions.

The libido has, as it were, a natural penchant: it is like water, which must have a gradient if it is to flow. [“Symbols of the Mother and of Rebirth,” ibid., par. 337.]

Your libido is a flood of energy that is just waiting for you to open the gates and give it a place to go. It will light up your life in whichever direction you send it.

Last week I got unexpected news that my boyfriend needed to relocate to China. He knows that I adore travel, but China has never been on my bucket list. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn’t know how I would react until the moment he asked me to go with him. My whole body turned on. My creative energy kicked in. My face lit up. I was in.

Even though my inner critic was screaming that I would never survive without speaking fluent Mandarin, my inner mean girl told me that I’d never find a friend, my inner parents told me that I was leaving everything important behind; I could clearly hear my true voice, my Self, saying “go, it could change everything. if you hate it, you can always come home.”

And the flow of libido can work for you or against you.

When you consistently ignore and resist that calling, that natural urge to explore something unfamiliar and new, your libido slows. You dull your ability to sexually connect to people and to yourself.

We blame age, familiarity and monotony for killing our sex drive, which isn’t always true.

Perhaps it’s your procrastination towards your creativity and art work. Maybe it’s that you never make time to hike or swim or dance anymore. Maybe your

Want better sex? Reverse engineer it!

Pick up a book you’ve been meaning to read, go for a run, draw something, sing in the car! Wake up that libido and start using it everywhere you can. Inside and outside the bedroom.

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Libido-based decision making

Have a big decision to make? Get sex and trust your libido.

So, you’ve got a big decision to make.

Maybe you’ve been offered a big (but risky) job opportunity, you’re deciding to stay in a relationship or go, or you’re putting an offer in for a new house…

There must be a thousand voices telling you what you should do. External voices like your parents, your partner and your boss, reminding you not to fuck things up.

Internal voices like your inner critic,…

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#making decisions #sex #sexual intelligence

Squirters: The Elite Few

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

Is female ejaculation really a thing?

uhmmm, obvi.

I think what you’re trying to ask is “how can I join the elite few and become a squirter myself?”

Because you can.

Every woman is capable of experiencing female ejaculation (FE). And it’s worth the experience. It takes your orgasm to an extraordinary level of connectivity and pleasure. Most women learn to experience orgasm, but many stop before they can experience the big FE.

The answer seems simple, but brings up the most challenging issue that women face in the universe of sexuality.

Openness.

The feeling of total openness and physically losing control is scary. It requires totally trusting yourself and your partner to hold you and see you through a mountain range of orgasms.

To be embarrassingly personal – It takes me 3-4 orgasms before I am open enough to let my flow go. So for the many years that I spent with mediocre partners who lasted 3 minutes and rolled off to pass out, FE wasn’t an option for me. I thought I was just not that sort of girl.

Bullshit. I am absolutely a squirter. It just takes some warm-up. It takes practice.

Other women I talk to experience the same ebb and flow of orgasms before experiencing the big release. And then it’s hard to stop!

Orgasm is easy to achieve, but absolute openness; not so much.

The simplest things keep me from reaching that place of open. My mind, soul and body have to be completely unpacked of baggage. I have to leave that shit on the floor outside the bedroom next to my overpriced panties.

If I’ve left an article half-written, if I’m annoyed with my partner, if I’m nervous about how my thick thighs look in a contortionist sex position – these are all mental blocks that keep me from being open.

I’m not just talking about spiritual openness, although that’s crucial. That 60’s free love approach helps your mind open. You also have to let your physical body open up to the experience of an explosive orgasm.

Here’s the science:

Some studies show that all women ejaculate during orgasm. But instead of being released, the fluid is forced back into the bladder when our muscles tighten post-climax. This retrograde orgasm is common for men, but it’s a constant reality for women.

And there are a lot of reasons that we tighten up after climax.

We’ve trained our bodies to recoil, to hold back and to stay in control. Something as small as feeling nervous or self-conscious reverses our physical openness. We let our inner critic speak louder than our pleasure and anxiety replaces openness. We suck all the feelings in.

Subconsciously we’d rather minimize our orgasms than risk full emotional and physical exposure.

We are open to feeling good, but not that good.

We recoil

Our society has a homogenous depiction of orgasms. A man collapsing and rolling over while a woman breathes heavily and tries unsuccessfully to cuddle. Often, we follow this pattern set by the typical male orgasm. The exhausted collapse. This is not how many female orgasms work.

Our orgasms are long and energizing rather than draining. Instead of recoiling after sex, focus on expanding and opening up your body. Keep going and try for another. And another.

….and one more…

The reason most women are grabby and cuddly is not because they are emotionally needy and desperate, it’s because they are ready to go again!

We scare ourselves

Honestly, I also believe powerful orgasms are scary the first few times we experience something new. It feels so big and whelming that we want to stop. Don’t!

I remember the first time I reaaaaaally orgasmed, I felt bigger than myself. I felt like I took up the whole room. I felt exposed and vulnerable and freaked out. I’d always played small, and all of a sudden I felt like I could take over the world. I immediately talked myself back to small-ness by letting my inner critic tell me how gross I was for peeing on the bed (which is obviously not the case). I told myself I looked flabby and sweaty and should get dressed and escape ASAP.

My partner had to convince me all was good. But I had never felt that before and it was supah scary. I had to let myself feel energetically big and worthy of an orgasm before letting my body open to the flow.

We aren’t taking care of our body

Your sex drive (or lack there of) is often the canary in the coalmine for larger health issues. Some women and men self-diagnose themselves as having “low/no libido” and continue to eat bags of low-fat chocolate chips while watching Netflix.

If you struggle to get turned on, have never orgasmed or are seemingly incapable of FE, consider improving your lifestyle and investing in your health. You would be surprised how much more energized you are in bed when you are taking great care of yourself.

Ironically, a healthy sex life is also the best way to motivate your body to get out and exercise or eat healthier.

It’s cyclical. Better health, more sex drive. More sex, better health.

We’re not fucking enough

Sluts have better orgasms. As a slut, I know this to be true. I am slutty because I love having sex, and I need a lot of it.

Sex begets more sex. And better sex. And explosively wet orgasms. Like any other skill, sex takes practice.

And having a partner has nothing to do with it. My greatest and most explosive ejaculatory orgasms happened during my 30 Days of Orgasms experiment during a stretch of single-ness that changed my sexual life.

So get to it lovers.

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Squirters: The Elite Few

Is female ejaculation really a thing?

uhmmm, obvi.

I think what you’re trying to ask is “how can I join the elite few and become a squirter myself?”

Because you can.

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#female ejaculation #love #sex #squirter

How to stop dating all the wrong people

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

We’ve all been there. When the “newly single” excitement wears off and we realize we still have our old bad habits. The realization happens after dating two or three shitty people in a row that all seemed “different” but all ended up exactly the same.

We don’t notice it until we’re sitting with our friends having literally the exact same conversation about needing “someone who has their shit together” or “someone who isn’t scared of commitment” two weeks in a row about two different people. You know it’s bad when your bestie stops you midsentence to ask “Wait are you still talking about Jake or David? yikes.

So we sit down and write a list of the things we really need in a relationship. What does a great partner look like. Maybe we might create a list of “How I want to feel in a relationship” for the more evolved women. I have a notebook full of these lists.

(Hopefully – after reading this you’ll never want to do that again.)

Relationships fail when we create rules and expectations. Those rules are often disguised as “needs” and “wants”. Don’t worry – there’s a better way to get to the same result.

I want someone creative

I need someone who loves me unconditionally

I need to feel fully supported

I need someone who’s open and honest

I need someone who deals with my crazy family

etc.

Without these rules we feel like we would let someone walk all over us, take advantage of our love and break our heart. It’s a well-meaning effort to find a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. But it isn’t fixing the real issue.

The problem isn’t that you can’t trust other people. It’s that you don’t trust yourself.

We create these rules to ensure that we don’t let bad relationships slip past the gatekeepers of common sense and rationality when we are caught up in the throbbing chemistry experiment of new love.

But common sense and rationality aren’t the voices you need to listen to. They work with the information that they. That info often says “there’s no reason NOT to date this guy, I guess”.

It’s your intuition that’s always spot on. It can see and feel things that won’t become rational for another six months.

Too many people beat themselves up by asking “How could I have not known? or “Why was I such a blind idiot?” “How did I miss all the red flags?” Because the flags didn’t show up for a year and a half. It’s not your fault for not seeing them.

The better question is “Why didn’t I listen to my intuition?”

We listen to our rational brain and it fails us, but our intuition is always right. ALWAYS.

We have been trained to analyze every interaction and text conversation to make sure the relationship is “working”. We need to justify that sense that things “just doesn’t feel right”. Why? There’s no need to overanalyze when you trust that your gut feels something you can’t see (yet).

Everything changes when you start listening to your gut intuition and start acting intelligently – not just rationally. Emotional intelligence is saying:

“this guy is amazing on paper – he checks all the boxes on my list – but he feels kind of dodgy. I’m out. No explanation needed.”

I believe having a list of criteria is important. But not a list of rules that a relationship needs to follow. A list of promises that you make and keep for yourself.

The way to build self-confidence and self-trust is to make small promises to yourself. And keep them!

Seriously, fortheloveofgod, keep those promises.

Here are a couple of my most recent promises to myself.

I promise:

not to date anyone who relies on texting to communicate – call me, yo.

to occasionally question my assumptions

to always make my own plans for life and then be flexible to fit with someone else’s

to never prioritize convenience over awesomeness

to accept that I can’t fix everything

to say things that are awkward

to say things that are important even if they hurt feelings

to ask myself “is this really important” before nagging. And to nag if the answer is “yes”.

to expect better sex. And ask for it in detail.

to say “i don’t know”

to accept that not everyone needs to get along

to know the difference between being hurt and not getting my way

to love myself first

to get out of a relationship early

to get back in a relationship if it was right

to surround myself with people and things that make me feel

to eat chocolate even when I feel chubby

to take responsibility for my own life

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How to stop dating all the wrong people

Stop dating all the wrong people. An easy exercise to break old habits and trust yourself again.

We don’t notice it until we’re sitting with our friends having literally the exact same conversation about needing “someone who has their shit…

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#bad relationships #dating #self confidence #self trust

The dating mantra for people who give zero f*cks

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

If you’re searching for “The One” – you’re fucked.

Since long before Jerry McGuire uttered “you complete me”, we’ve been obsessed with the idea that there’s one person on earth who is capable of giving us everything we need.

Our Soulmate.

And it’s not simply that our Soulmate exists. That person needs to live in our city, speak our language and be tall dark and handsome. Obviously, the odds are not good.

You might be thinking “not me, that’s crazy”; but it is you! Whether we like it or not, it’s the tale we’ve been told. It’s imprinted into our childhood stories, TV shows and movies.

We have this assumption that we’ll meet the perfect partner. That flawless human will fall head over heels for us. Then they’ll love us despite our many imperfections.

What could possibly go wrong with that? …right??

It’s this double standard that causes so many relationships to spiral into a series of failed expectations, insecurity and eventual resentment.

So often I hear couples say they’re disappointed when their partner doesn’t live up to their high standards of communication or in the bedroom, but they’re also hurt when their partner questions their own flawed actions or intentions.

It’s a lose-lose situation. A constant see-saw between disappointment and feeling like you’re letting your partner down.

It perpetuates our cultures chronic illness of feeling like we’re “not enough”. Doing enough, being enough, sexy enough, thin enough, funny enough, smart enough…

To be clear, “you complete me” is not cute – it’s clingy and pathetic.

I’ve replaced the idea of a Soulmate with this mantra.

It has given me the power to give zero fucks.

Whenever I start to get sucked into the expectation spiral, I repeat this to myself. I say it outloud. My friends and clients have started using it and it has a powerful effect on so many relationships.

It keeps people from giving away their power in a relationship too quickly, and also keeps their own ego in check.

It’s a phrase you can use in those moments of indecision. When you’re questioning whether to go on a second date, break up with someone or propose this mantra acts as a guidepost when the options become overwhelming.

I am a whole looking for another whole.

You are not looking for your better half. No person could ever “complete” you because you’re already whole. You’ll fit a partner into your life, but you don’t need to change a thing.

This is the mantra that has kept me out of bad relationships and guided me towards unexpected, but amazing men.

Wrapped up in this phrase are many of the ideals we hold true when we have clarity of mind, but forget when we’re caught in an awkward dating moment, or during a stressful relationship talk.

You don’t want a relationship built on co-dependency. Gross.

You’re not alone – you’re just single.

You’re actually happy being single.

You have something unique to offer someone.

You understand everyone is a work in progress.

It’s not your job to fix people, just to love them.

Mediocre relationships aren’t for you. You’re one badass whole looking for another badass whole.

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#The dating mantra for people who give zero f*cks

The dating mantra for people who give zero f*cks

The dating mantra for people who give zero f*cks.

If you’re searching for “The One” – you’re fucked.

Since long before Jerry McGuire uttered “you complete me”, we’ve been obsessed with the idea that there’s one person on earth who is capable of giving us everything we need.

Our Soulmate.

And it’s not simply that our Soulmate exists. That person needs to live in our city, speak our language and be tall dark and handsome. Obviously, the odds are…

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#enoughness #love #mantra #sex #soulmate #zero fucks

Commitment without suffocating my freedom

This was originally written by the smart and sexy women at Red Lipstick Project.

We all want one of two things from our relationships.

We either want freedom or commitment.

In many partnerships, one person needs one and the other wants the opposite. You can see where this would be problematic.

The push/pull between the two dynamics can seem irreconcilable.

It’s not.

Freedom can mean different things to different people. It might mean freedom to be yourself without judgement, freedom to travel at the drop of a hat, freedom to explore taboo sexual desires, or the freedom to just speak your mind without constantly second guessing yourself.

If you think freedom means getting what you want, when and how you want it – then you’re right. That’s unmanageable. Take a minute to figure out what it is about freedom that you reeeaaally actually want.

People who crave freedom often believe they can only have if outside a committed relationship.

Commitment is more solidly defined by our society. It typically means having an agreement that binds you to another person. It means exclusivity, love, trust, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior. We often assume it includes sexual monogamy.

As committed relationship-ers, we spend time, money, and emotional energy to build strong walls around our commitment. We think building commitment means shutting out things that we want, but can’t or shouldn’t have.

We have to trade our freedoms to prove our love and commitment over and over. It’s the price we pay for the security of knowing we won’t be alone forever.

I can’t believe this is true.

I want total freedom AND I want to feel secure in a completely committed and loving relationship.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I see couples who have figured this out. I know people who have both.

I’ve recognized the glue that makes both of those things work together. It makes you capable of committing to a longterm relationship, marriage even, without sacrificing any of the freedoms you enjoyed as a single woman-about-town.

I know couples who let their personal curiosity, adventure and spontaneity rule their relationships and watched how it’s brought them together more than it pushed them apart.

They have trust.

In each other and in themselves. They trust that their partner isn’t going to leave them if they speak up about something, travel for a few weeks or introduce some freaky sexual desires.

They trust themselves to know that compromising on logistics and personal priorities won’t mean they lose their sense of Self.

They don’t see making compromises or even sacrifices as conflicting with their own freedom.

They accept that there are times when they’ll need to listen to their partner’s kinks and priorities and desires without judging them and threatening to leave. Which is harder than it sounds.

You have to be willing to say “that’s interesting – we can figure this out!” and then actually figure it out.

It starts by taking longer than usual to find a partner who shares your ideals of freedom. You can’t jump into a relationship with the first person who says “you’re beautiful”. You have to be willing to get into and out of committed relationships often. Leaving a relationship too early is better than too late. You leave with both your freedom and your relationship-optimism in tact.

Then get honest with yourself. Understand which side of the freedom/commitment coin comes most naturally.

Admit you’ve got room to grow. Maybe you’ve been chasing commitment as a serial monogamist who can’t define what freedom feels like. Maybe you’re after total freedom as a nomad who’s Tinder-ed their way through relationships but has never seen one through.

Embrace either freedom or commitment, whichever scares the crap out of you.

You get to freedom through embracing commitment.

You get to real long-term commitment through allowing yourself to be free.

The post Commitment without suffocating my freedom appeared first on Red Lipstick Project.

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