THE SCENE IS OPENED UP WITH A SET FOR A CHAT SHOW. THERE IS A SOFA (BY SOFA I MEAN THREE PLASTIC CHAIRS WITH CLOTH THROWN ON IT, THERES A BIT OF PLASTIC STILL SHOWING). THERE ARE 4 CAMCORDERS ON TRIPODS SUROUND THE SET. EVERYTHINGISA COMPLETE MESS.
ADAM IS PACING UP AND DOWN MURMERING WITH A PANICING TONE IN HIS VOICE.
ADAM: Brian! We need a tripod!
BRIAN RUNS ON THE SET HOLDING THE TRIPOD LIKE A GUN. HE STOPS TO FIRE IT.
ADAM: Brian!? What the hell are you doing?
BRIAN: (Snapping back to reality immediately) Nothing.
ADAM: Just get that tripod to the set. Surely you can’t forget where that is.
BRIAN: Of course. What do you take me for? An idiot?
CRASH NOISE FROM OFF SET.
ADAM: Trust me. I know worse.
BRIAN: Oh, Jesus. I'm off.
DOG walks on set while Brian walks off. Looking back to where the crash noise came from.
DOG: Adam? Could you remind me why I can't be the host for our chat show?
ADAM: Because we'd all like a good grade. Thank you very much, Dog.
BRIAN: Adam. You're not gonna believe this. Gregg's just knocked over one of the lights and it smashed.
ADAM: Oh for the love of that spark that set off the big bang! (He and Brian walk off the set) Oi! I don't care who did it! Just get it cleaned up! (He walks back on) This is just like the last production all over again.
DOG: I don't remember that.
ADAM: Exactly, you were drunk.
DOG: I can't have been that bad.
ADAM: You were holding up a random kitten singing "The circle of life".
DOG: Oh. Adam? Could you remind me again why I can't be the host for our chat show?
ADAM: Because, no offence, you're a bit on the thick side.
DOG: What would make you say that?
ADAM: (sarcastically)Gee, I don't know. How about you're nickname to start with. Why did you call yourself Dog?
DOG: Because its "God" spelt backwards. (Stupid laugh)
ADAM: (Face palms) Why me? Why now? Its like my life is a sitcom.
TEACHER: How's everything going?
DOG: I'm not thick, am I sir?
TEACHER: I'm sorry, Dog. You are.
DOG: No I'm not. I'll prove it. Ask me a match’s question.
TEACHER: You mean math’s, ok. I have six bottles in one hand and five bottles in the other. What do I have?
DOG: A serious drinking problem?
TEACHER: It's not a problem. I only drink socially, ten bottles a night, five days a week. (Adam and Dog look at him awkwardly) And twenty bottles on Sunday. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'll be in the background.
ADAM: Please tell me you haven’t got more bad news.
DOG: I haven't got anything.
BRIAN: No. I was gonna ask if you'd like anything else.
ADAM: Has anyone set up the big boys toy?
BRIAN: The big boys toy? Oh, you mean the jib.
ADAM: What are you standing here for? Lets move! (Brian leaves) Dog, do you have the script?
DOG: Um..............Oh, yeah
DOG DOES A 360-DEGREE TURN TO TAKE THE SCRPT FROM HIS POCKET. HE HANDS IT TO ADAM.
ADAM: Dog, This is the script?
DOG: I was running out of time.
ADAM: What?! It takes longer to hand...Oh, never mind. (Reading to himself) What does this word say?
DOG: (Reads the word) I don’t know. I can't read it.
ADAM: Then tell me how the hell I'm supposed to shoot in a few minutes a chat show with a script no one can read for a deadline that’s a few hours away! Um, how are we doing sir? Everything ok?
TEACHER: Yeah everything’s fine.
TEACHER THROWS HIS FOLDER AWAY. ADAM RUNS AFTER HIM TRYING TO GIVE HIM BACK HIS FOLDER.
DOG: Adam! You're forgetting the floor plan.
ADAM: Finally! You have some sense! Lets have it then.
DOG GIVES HIM A LARGE OBJECT. ADAM STRUGGLES TO HOLD IT UP.
ADAM: Jesus. What did you write this on? The floor?
DOG: Gasp) How did you know?
ADAM: Am I the only sane person in this bloody building!?
BRIAN WALKS BY HOLDINGTHE JIB LIKE A SURFBOARD.
BRIAN: Excuse me! Lifeboat coming through.
BRIAN: I said Jib. Jib coming through.
ADAM: Its a crane you imbisil!
DOG: Where’s the pulley then?
ADAM: That’s it! Give me that!
ADAM TAKES THE JIB AND HITS DOG AROUND THE HEAD WITH IT. DOG LIES ON THE FLOOR STILL.
ADAM: Uh, oh. He's not moving. Help! Any help with a little help would be really help full!
ADAM: Yay! No murder charge!
ADAM: Nothing. How are you feeling?
DOG: I don't know. Who are you? (Pause) Who am I?
ADAM: Dog? You know? "God Spelt backwards"?
ADAM: Brian, do you know what this means?
BRIAN: Yes! He’s not well! Dog! Come back to us!
BRIAN HITS DOG AROUND THE HEAD WITH THE JIB.
ADAM: Brian! Why did you do that?
BRIAN: I was helping him.
ADAM: No! That could have been the best thing that ever happened. He wasn't stupid anymore!
DOG: Look. It’s the crane with no pulley.