Reflections of a complete nutcase

How I decided to stop being a self-pitying wuss and write about it. Jesus take the wheel...

[the-doobiest]

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Considerable WORK IN PROGRESS

I haven't written in  a really long time... 6 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days to be exact.. and I guess there are several reasons for that..

1) I got back on my grind and become very consumed and busy with work

2) I was feeling happy and things were going well ( I finally found an apartment with my friends :)! )

3) It all crashed and burned and I went into a low zone again...

I'm realizing that this last statement was much more mental than anything else... but that saying "when it rains, it pours" just felt sooo real at times...

Who knew life would be so damn hard... even though we've advanced in medicine and technology, the whole concept of Darwin's survival of the fittest is clearly still relevant ... although instead of being physically fit or adaptable, its more about mental toughness, and the competition is yourself...

How much are you willing to fight and advocate for yourself? For a long time and even now a days I feel like everyone went through this "course" of self love and advocacy and although I feel like I do do my part, somehow I'm the one here that failed it, but I will have to remind myself over and over again that it takes time... I struggle with the concept that things don't just happen over night.

I'm also afraid to even read my previous posts, because I feel like I'm writing the same thing I wrote 6 months ago.... but in a way its good to write it again because its showing me that even though it's kinda like I'm in the same position... at least I can visually see it...

I feel like I'm filling this post with a lot of clichés and ramblings, but I'm a little rusty and this is how my brain is working at the moment... anyhoo - back to my ramble... the saying "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" ... this is why I'm a complete nutcase... I keep doing the same thing.... I get the "umpf" to write or take a leap, things go well for a little bit, I start getting shaky, and then I retreat into a hole... I cop out.

I cop, the f** out, every damn time.

I go into self-loathe mode, and clearly I'm having a good moment because I'm writing, but there is no telling if this is going to keep up...

Sometimes I don't think I have the mental toughness to duke it out... I do want to quit, all the time! There are many times I do just want to be buried..

and it's a shitty realization, and it's a hard one, to know that the person who's supposed to be your number one fan (yourself) gives up on you, constantly.

But it's these moments, where I kiiiinda get a little burst of energy and enthusiasm, even though I'm well aware of the looong journey ahead, that help...

Maybe one day I'll look back on this blog post and say, thank God I'm in a better place, but I'll have to acknowledge the fact that it took me several years, to get out of this funk (blog posts are time stamped...)

So far I am surviving...

Some days its by a string... other days, I have this crazy amazing confidence where I don't believe I'll be that insecure "pitiful" Jadira anymore... but she comes back..

and is it worth it??

Today, I want to say yes and I have to keep reminding myself, it takes time... I need to let go of the fact that I will not get immediate results or satisfaction from what I'm doing...

I have to stop trying to self-analyze and just seek consistent guidance until things are ACTUALLY better... I'm not a damn psychologist and I have to stop thinking I am.

There are projects I am working on for myself... right now I don't want to share because .. I just don't, I was going to write an explanation and realized, I don't have to... deal with it.

BUT, this is reminder to myself:

THESE PROJECTS WILL NOT BE FULFILLED THIS YEAR, THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE TIME AND ACTUAL PERSISTENCE.. JADIRA STOP HALF ASSING SHIT AND JUST KEEP AT IT, DO A LITTLE EVERYDAY AND EVENTUALLY IT WILL GET DONE YOU ARE 25, NOT 50... STOP QUARTERING ALREADY!!!

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Good morning IG!!!! Next time you shop at #amazon please use the link http://smile.amazon.com/ch/13-3568672 to help support my organization, Harlem Educational Activities Fund @heafnyc ... Thank you!!! #support #doitforthekids #heaf #ilovemyjob #harlem #nyc #college

[misstanwyck]

[annetdonahue]

The importance of consent: a narrative.

[maxontrax]

I will forever reblog this gifset.

[forsciencejohn]

look at how badass she is though i mean some of it gets on her too and doesn’t even give a fuck

[yamumsahamster]

She pours hot liquid on her own leg she’s that badass.

[avatargrimes]

fire cannot kill a dragon.

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

A braver form of self-definition dares to be affirmative.

Dr. Meg Jay

[catsbeaversandducks]

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Made my morning

[coral]

[jensenacklesmishacollins]

Surprise us, surprise yourself with what you do - we can’t wait to see your videos and photos. We’ll share ours with you, you share yours with us; thanks for participating. [x]

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

March 1st!!

[shortvideosandstuff]

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Cute

[veryfunnymemes]

[veryfunnymemes]

Motivational quotes

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

👍👍

[realitytvgifs]

me

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

LET ME BE CELIBATE IN PEACE!

So I'm sure many people have been in that situation where things are starting to go pretty well for you and a significant other and then BAM.. it's like every past hook up is coming out of the wood work to see "how you're doing"...

It's sooo weird right? and I know this happens to both men and women ... and its unexplainable - either you have stalkers, or when you hook up with someone, something is implanted into that person so that his/her radar goes off whenever you're "moving on"... I guess it's just one of life's little mysteries and I'll admit, I've been guilty of it too... I've randomly texted a past person... and I have no idea what made me do it... but I did it...

Well anyways funny thing, it still happens, even when you're CELIBATE. 

As I'm taking this time to work on me and learning to love myself.. I've noticed past relations are starting to resurface... it's like, "Oh, hello there, haven't talk to you in years"... -__- ...  and I swear, its the same damn fucking conversation (more or less) with each one..

Past Participant: Hey, how are you?

Me: Hey, I'm well and yourself?

Past Participant: I'm good too.. we need to see each other, its been a while. I would like to see you, but you're lost. (if you read that and it sounded weird it's because its a rough translation, really the person said, "Tu esta perdida" ... which is just saying, you're lost, aka you've been MIA)

Me: Lol yea, I go MIA a lot... (then it depends if I care enough to explain why I'm MIA - usually I'll say I've been busy or I've had a lot going on etc...)

Past Participant: That's not good, I miss you, we should hang out again.

Now, I'm starting to actually like this part of the conversation because the responses are sometimes pretty comical:

I think I've mentioned before that I'm a pretty straightforward person, and I have no time for games nor subtleties, so by this point I usually put the conversation out of its misery and take out any coy/flirtatious chances... 

Me: Well, I'm not sure in what context you want to see me but, just in case you're trying to be sexual.. I should tell you now, I'm celibate.

Usual response: *Crickets* ......

Other responses have included: "What is that?" (which honestly, doesn't put either of us in a good light), "Why the fuck?," and "why did you decide to do that?"

Sometimes my favorite is: "Why does it have to be sexual/ Why do you have to say it like that for?"  

*In my mind: because I'm not stupid*. .. and the best is when I do give them a chance to "redeem" themselves and ask them why they hit me up.. it's some lame response like "Oh, I was just thinking about you." ...yea...at 1 am... you're not fooling anyone.

So to make the record clear... I am celibate... does that mean I've decided to take the habit as my new uniform and enclose myself in a nunnery to live the rest of my days.... if that's what you think, you're either ignorant or too literal of the biblical definition... the basic definition of celibacy is simply "abstaining from sexual intercourse"

It does not mean I've taken God as my ultimate husband and vowed my chastity to him... 

It does not mean I'm waiting until marriage...

It does not mean I've decided to become a lesbian (as someone inquired)...

It just means I'm taking time to appreciate myself and understand that I deserve great things...as does everyone.

I deserve to become involved in a relationship where my mind is the main attraction... where quality time is not only about exploring each other physically, but emotionally as well.

What I'm ultimately saying is, I've outgrown the casual hookup phase. 

There's nothing wrong with still being in that phase - the one of just wanting to have fun and be frisky (it feels so wrong saying this word considering my last cat's name was Friskie ... but the spelling is different, so I don't think he minds, R.I.P Friskie) without any commitments, if that's where you are...but I'm just not in that phase anymore.

Although as a friendly reminder: "Over 110 Million Americans have an STD - one of the most concerning findings was that there are nearly 20 million new infections each year and half of those occur among young people (aged 15 to 24)" http://health.usnews.com/health-news/news/articles/2013/02/14/more-than-110-million-americans-have-an-std-report

So if you are in that phase...just play safe ok?! ... don't be a statistic... protect yourself...

Ok... now that I'm done with that Public Service Announcement back to me:

I'm just not into it anymore... I want substance... I want to take it slow and appreciate a guy.. and be appreciated in return for my quirks, my personality, and my intellect, instead of just my ass. 

I might be making a wild assumption as to think that most people my age have matured to this level of relationships > casual hookups... but I'm a little behind and in all honesty I don't have much "real" relationship experience .. I've only had 3 real boyfriends... the rest have been a mixture of casual dating and being in a relationship without the title type things...  

So to my past participants trying to make a comeback into my life... there's a reason we ended, so let's just keep it at that... I wish you the best and hope you find what you're looking for...

as for me, I know what I want and what I deserve and I plan on staying on that track.

<3 JMB

[amethyst-wings]

Awesome!! So True!!!

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Ticking time bomb...( I realize after I've written this, I didn't really talk about a time bomb but I still like the title so I left it. deal with it)

A while back I stated how I have this horrible tendency to either take on too much at a time or try to speed things up... well in my journey of self love and awareness I'm realizing what's probably been my biggest downfall is that...

I think I can do it all.... which I don't want to think negatively and say that I can't...but perhaps I'm not utilizing the best methods to reach my full potential.

What happened though? In high school, even with my bad days, I was still on top of my game... for the most part... I was in school by 7:30 am, out by like 6 pm  - had to get those extracurriculars in ya know? Couldn't just be a student... had to be on student council, do a different sport every season, be part of the Unity Club, French Club, Ballroom Dancing Club, and also have a job and babysit on the side... how else was I going to get to college and pay for my car's gas? (Its no wonder now thinking about it why Tia always stole my phone and put it on silent when I took my 4 pm nap).. I will, however, give myself a pat on the back on being quite the hustler when it came to money... anyone that's ever attended one of my house parties knew the three rules:

        1. You had to be in my grade (if not, I needed to really like you, which for the most part I didn't really dislike anyone... except one asshole in the year above me who once trespassed on my property and drastic matters were taken to scare him off the property... but I didn't really enjoy the grades the year above or below me as a whole, most of them just had so much drama and it was annoying)

       2. You had to call me and tell me you were coming, I liked having a rough idea of how many I was expecting (being on student council, I was privy to class size information, not that it was confidential or anything, in a small town, everyone knows everyone...)

       3. Most important rule... any bottles and cans that were brought onto the property... stayed on the property!!! Some might think... "works well for me, I don't have to clean up after myself, Jadira's a fool" ....  fool no - I definitely averaged about $50 - $100 a party cashing in those cans and     bottles... which may not seem like a lot, but back then, I didn't really have expenses and the extra cash lasted me a good amount of time... (for those of you doing the calculations 5 cents per bottle/can, let me help you out... IT WAS A LOT OF FUCKING BOTTLES/CANS .... I'm not saying I'm proud outing the amount of consumption but overall I will say I am still to this       day very proud of my class and all the crazy amazing people in it ( Class president forever...)

So yea, you could say I really fucking loved high school and I'm scared to say that I feel like that was my peak.... but I have yet to feel as on top of the world as I did back then!

College for the most part, I will admit, despite going to an amazing school... I wasn't prepared, nor did I do enough research to truly understand everything that my university could offer me (besides its name) and I will say this past year, that has been one of the most self-defeating realizations.... I'm pretty sure I cried for a week straight and was on suicidal watch by the twins in my head... and my Tia, who put me on antidepressants, because all I could think about was how much of a fucking waste I was for not taking full advantage of my education...

Here I was sitting on a couch, unemployed, letting Charlie walk all over me and getting tangled in my hair, thinking about all the ways my present situation could have been avoided... thinking about all the opportunities I let slip by... thinking I was a worthless idiot for ruining my chances... and thinking I will never amount to anything because I'm an idiot who wasted her education..

Shit was real... You ever look at yourself and realize you are no where near where you wanted to be when you imagined yourself at your present age? If you answered this, "No, I'm exactly where I want to be and following my life plan to the T" ... well even though I'm proud of you and I mean this in the most congratulatory way possible, Fuck you.  The rest of us, I'm realizing are in the "Plans? What plans?! They died!" category. I say this because after having a conversation with my coworkers today, I realized I am not the only one stuck in this stew of misgivings.

However, back to how this tangent started, I was saying that high school was my peak, I'm never going to amount to anything, why could I handle everything then and not now? The simple truth is... even though it may not have seemed like it was back then... shit was easier... I've always had bad tendencies of taking on too much, it's just it was actually manageable then...

In college I tried to be in a bajillion clubs, work, have a social life, and of course stay on top of my academics... FAIL ... by junior year I was burnt out and ended up taking myself practically out of everything. So thanks to this whole process of reflection, I'm finally just realizing how far my bad habits of management have gotten me and its just one more thing I'll be working on this year on my road to improvement.

Of course I write this as I currently have 3 major events to plan for work, 2 workshops I'll be presenting in less that a month, and about 10 meetings and outings to plan around - some of which are double booked... (fack) ...but I believe I can do it, it's just going to take some diligence and sacrifice of sleep on my end (not that I sleep much anyways due to my insomnia) ... but I'm feeling good about it...right now.. I don't know what tomorrow's going to look like...

Ending on the positivity vibe: this is my first post on my newly bought Mac Book Air 11" :) my 2nd baby (after Charlie) ... it feels good to feel on top of my finances right now... I feel like I'm actually growing into my adult shoes ... and also... extra positivity... Charlie's actually sitting next to me... pretty sure this is the closest he's come to cuddling with me ever since he became too big to force to cuddle:

I still think he's abnormally big for just being almost 7 months old... but I love him, even if he grows to the size of a tiger and mauls my face... look at that sass... Charles Kensington, you are a force with which to be reckoned... alright I've managed to be sufficiently weird and transparent about the love for my "kitten"...

Nutcase out *peace sign*

<3 JMB

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

Someone posted this.. Speaks exactly to my last post !!

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

No action, until I achieve mental satisfaction..

I haven't written for a bit and I'm not sure as to why... whether it's that I've been busy, lazy, or lost my writing frenzy... either way its time to write down my thoughts again. To update, this past week has been good and dull. The week was good, I got out, met up with people, went to the gym (back to planet fitness again!), however, the weekend - I hit a lazy patch. Not sure what to account it to, but I just did. I had my second session with my therapist - to be honest, I know it's too early, and I'm trying to be open minded, but nothing's really happening, except that I kinda feel glum afterward... of course I can blame it on the fact that 30 minutes just isn't enough time to talk about ANYTHING in-depth and it just so happens that times always up after I inundate her with all this information and the response is, "well that's all for today, [insert mini conclusion of insight here]." So she had me talk about my relationships... big whoop. Without exacerbating all the fuddy duddy details... I kept it plain and simple, until we talked about the one that broke my heart this year. Am I just really good at playing the "nonchalant" card or is this guy just really stupid... stupid might be too strong, oblivious? No, I know he knows exactly where my feelings were. Or perhaps he just doesn't give a fuck. Either way, it hurts.. relationships are so fucking weird. I can't even say we were in a relationship.. but I know I cared a lot about him. I even had a lasagna recipe ready so that I could cook for him (Ps, lasagna is his favorite dish, so yea, I put thought into it!). Point is I WANTED to COOK for him... I'm sure by now I've made it clear that cooking is not my expertise nor my favorite thing to do... so for me to want to cook for someone is pretty much me telling you I love you - I never even cooked a meal for any of my previous boyfriends... I think what hit the hardest is that after a year and some change of talking, visiting across the country, offering support when his grandpa died, and being overly excited for him to move back to the east coast (mind you, the excitement wasn't about seeing me, but just being genuinely happy that he was happy to be back near his family) it's just I feel so.... erasable... and of course it came at a time when I was already down on myself. Of course there's also a lot I'm leaving blank, mainly because its just too much and I don't know where to start... but the point is, I genuinely loved this guy... I could see myself with him as an equal... that is until he told me to shut the fuck up, then all hell broke loose and I stopped talking to him... but that's when it hit home that I really didn't matter... he let me go that easily; I'm sure on his end, and I can picture him laughing thinking I was being crazy and that it would blow over, but it didn't. The one time will power worked in my favor was that month and a half that I didn't contact him (nor did he contact me either).... until the day he was back in town, of course that's when I get the, "Jadira, watsup" text -___- and it just so happened that, that was the day I was gallivanting around midtown dressed as "Santa's hipster elf" day drinking with the rest of the Santaconers... and had enough liquid courage to tell him to fuck off, which was then followed by me being "politely" asked to leave the current bar as I was moody and decided to hide under my hood, which was mistaken for me napping, which apparently is verboten.... But back to feeling erasable, it just hurts to have put so much effort into showing someone you care about him, only to realize that he doesn't give two shits whether he talks to you ever again... and I do want to add the disclaimer that I don't know his thoughts, I don't know what he really thinks, except I know he thinks I'm crazy cause he's verbalized that thought many times and that this is how I feel about the situation... but I want to say that I've made peace with the fact that... it just wasn't meant to be...(You win some, you lose some) So, as my therapist suggested (although its kinda already been the theme of this whole endeavor) I need to just focus on me and putting all that effort I give to other people, onto me. So, I'm renewing my celibacy vow... its not like I've been getting any action anyways, so its basically just admitting out loud that I'm going through a dry spell, but now at least its a dry spell with an intent that I am actively refusing to break the spell in order to focus on me and no one else.... Although, when I think about it... this should be interesting because the last time I invoked the celibacy vow, I ended up in an almost 3 year relationship... (pretty sure I still owe some people a dinner on the bet that was made... but unless they bring it up, I'm not saying shit!) So cheers to me and peace of mind... and cheers to celibacy, just in time for Valentine's day decorations to start slapping me in the face.... (If anyone plans on hosting an "Anti-valentine's day party" feel free to send an invitation my way) <3 JMB

[tedx]

We are deeply saddened to learn that TEDxMidAtlantic speaker Sam Berns passed away Friday night at age 17. Sam had progeria, a rare rapid aging disease that affects approximately one out of four to eight million children.

Above, moments from Sam’s TEDxMidAtlantic talk, in which he shares his advice for living happily, no matter the challenges. Sam’s talk displays his great courage, infectious positivity, and wisdom beyond his years. He will be missed.

Watch the whole talk here»

[reflectionsofacompletenutcase]

RIP Sam Berns