Relationship Gandalf With Epic Tits

Wherein I solve your relationship/life dilemmas with violence and extreme profanity.

[relationshipgandalf]

The Best Video Advice #1

[relationshipgandalf]

Open Advice #1: So you've been dumped

So you've been dumped and it sucks balls doesn't it?

Everyone has at least horrific dumping tale - mine involved being dumped on Waterloo Station.

But how do you go from dumped to awesome?

Well it isn't easy.

It's a bit like mourning except the person you're mourning for is (annoying) still alive

Things to remember though is ALWAYS BE CLASSIER THAN THEM

They dumped you. They deserve your scorn but not your amazing stalking techniques and inventive insults.

This goes for any future partners/friend/acquaintances the dumper will have.

Don't worry if you have made an arse of yourself in this case. Say sorry and leave it alone.

Join a gym, take up a hobby, learn things, meet new people (not potential partners but friends).

It will take time but you'll wonder what you ever saw in that cunt who dumped you and look at yourself one day and think 'FUCK YEAH! I'M A BAMF!'

And you know what? You goddamn will be motherfucker!

[relationshipgandalf]

My boyfriend won't tell me what he wants for his 30th birthday. He keeps saying "I don't mind". What do I do??

It's his 30th so he's either expecting some spectacular shit or will be drinking his feelings and moping like it's the end of fucking days.

I would think an experience would be more epically 'FUCK YEAH!' than a gift.

Personally I would love to drive a tank or pretend to be a spy or some awesome shit like that than some boring item of jewellery. ("THANKS! A shit necklace WTF? I ban you from my vagina FOREVER!") It would generate some awesome stories to brag about - "I've driven a TANK motherfucker!" *people gaze in awe*

Failing that a huge fuck off awesome party would be cool. Fancy dress would be both embarrassing for everyone and produce lols and embarrassing photos.

Failing that - Cook his favourite food and give a blow-job

[relationshipgandalf]

Can we see those tits then?

Are you a certified Epic Tit Invigilator?

I think not!

No I think you're some perv off the internets

Anyway at least buy me a pint first you cunt!

[relationshipgandalf]

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

The cast of The Only Way Is Essex

[relationshipgandalf]

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Well Bot this isn't a problem but I'll answer anyway you electronically programmed little shit!

I would like to go to the Reading Festival this year (plz buy me ticket) or hovercraft in the mud at Glastonbury whilst flicking v-signs at my muddy friends.

Or New York and Berlin.