Finding Myself

  Sonic obsessed, and on a journey to find out if I'm really autistic. Female/33  

[diary-of-a-full-time-autistic]

Neurotypicals have the strangest beliefs about us, especially regarding our physical appearance. Not that beauty is a virtue, but it pisses me off when NTs believe autistics - chiefly autistic women - to be physically unattractive.

First of all, autism causes differences in how our brains our wired. Nowhere does it cause any changes in physical appearance. And even if it did cause changes in physical appearance, it’s shitty to act like people who don’t fit society’s beauty standards are flawed: even more so if disability is involved.

Grammar and stylistic corrections are welcome, but please be kind: I’m still learning English.

[round2withtheblue]

Firstly, you’re doing well with your language skills learning English. Great Job!

Secondly, I agree about more awareness on this stigma of style and comfort.

I grew up (undiagnosed) and there were many times where I was either told that I wasn’t ladylike enough or most thought I was a lesbian just because I didn’t dress, talk, or act like the typical ‘girl’. 

Makeup made me itch and it still does. I preferred wearing comfortable clothes instead of fashionable, and the push to look more ‘feminine’ or be more ‘lady like’ was horrible. All of these things can make you feel worthless or undeserving. 

It’s damaging to the psyche to be told over and over again how much you don’t fit in. You have those breakdowns in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering why no one wants to accept you the way you are. Putting on makeup only to take it off later. Wearing the clothes to fit in only to feel awkward and wrong all day. 

There needs to be earlier diagnosis criteria for girls so they can get support and not feel like outcasts. There needs to be more normalacy around being comfortable and being allowed to be comfortable. 

[ramm-zeppelin-mode]

Just autistic things; I have a wallclock in my room but haven't put batteries in it because the ticking noise overwhelms me 😂

[round2withtheblue]

There are several ‘ticking’ clocks without batteries because they look pretty but I hate the ticking noise.

[allthebooksandcrannies]

things i did as a kid that really ought to have been a clue i was neurodivergent:

asking for the same exact story to be read to me every night (to the point that when my parents tried to skip pages i’d be like “no mom, you forgot x” and proceed to quote the skipped pages from memory) (it was Summertime in the Big Woods or Fox in Socks if you’re curious)

getting super distracted every three minutes when my mom made me clean my room

Freaking Out everytime i had to touch dirty dishes or wet food that had been sitting in the sink because It Was On My Hands

being able to recite the plot, subplots, and every characters distinguishing traits and history in the series about any book i had read and then being confused that not everyone had such an in-depth knowledge of the character dynamics of Nancy Drew and Magic Treehouse novels

willingly spending hours on the baseboards and cabinets when we did spring cleaning because i couldn’t move on until they glowed

having an extensive list of foods whose textures were EVIL and that would literally make me gag and cry if i was forced to eat them even though i was generally an overly accommodating child (i gotten where i can make myself eat corn and peas as long as mixed with other things that hide their textures, but i still cannot make myself eat mushrooms or fat/gristle on my meat without genuinely wanting to puke)

getting inordinately upset if we changed our holiday traditions/routines

came up with super elaborate play-pretend games specific to each group of friends/relatives

hating eye-contact with a fiery passion

losing everything the minute i set it down and not being able to find it for the life of me once that happened 

getting super upset/offended by unfairness or by people breaking the rules because i liked rules and just couldn’t comprehend why others didn’t

constantly accidentally hurting other kids feelings or annoying people because i was totally oblivious to all those unspoken social rules and cues

being unable to wear my socks if the seems weren’t perfectly lined up

being unable to stand certain clothing fabrics if they smelled or felt weird

There were so many things lol. How the fuck was i a senior in high school before anyone even suggested the possibility that i was autistic? Figuring that out about yourself after you’re old enough to drink is a trip lemme tell you.

[round2withtheblue]

Relate to quite a few things on this list. 

Though I’m only finding out about me being autistic now at the age of 33 instead of when it should’ve been caught when I was still young. 

[round2withtheblue]

This hits me hard some days

If any of you remember a Garfield Christmas... there’s a particular quote that sticks out to me when there’s plans to go ‘visit’ others.  I know, I know, it shouldn’t be such a big deal but I feel comfortable in my space.

“Why can’t they come where my warm bed is?”

I don’t like last-minute plans or plans that I didn’t make. I know it’s silly, but I just want to stick to what I know. Even if I planned to do nothing, I still planned to do it. 

[m00n-gl0w]

Does anyone else go through food obsessions? Like only eating one food for weeks at a time, or just me? Idk if it’s my ed or autism but I’ve been doing this since I started living alone and not having anyone monitoring my eating

[round2withtheblue]

You are not alone... I went at least two weeks, every day at around lunch, having cup noodles. Like, it’s all I wanted. (I know they’re horrible for you, but I just wanted them.) I still have ramen kicks every once in a while.

When I was younger there was this box microwave meal I ate regularly and when they stopped selling it I was so upset. It was just pene with chicken and alfredo sause. But I had to have it. 

[round2withtheblue]

*sigh*

It’s been a while, I’m aware, but there have been a lot of things going on since the last time I posted. Life has been busy but everything is going all right.

Though, I do have to vent about something. 

I’m not great socially. I understand that it’s supposed to be this thing that you ‘know’ and you’re supposed to comprehend it. 

Well, I don’t. I’m not a bitch, I’m not. Yet, it happens because I don’t ‘understand’ what you want from me. I can’t just wave a magic wand and be normal. I just can’t and it’s hard for others to understand that. 

I try, I really do, but it seems that those efforts are not seen. It’s always, “Why did you say that, why did you do that? What’s wrong with you?” 

Being on the spectrum is not a cakewalk. Everything you say or do, if you don’t ‘understand’ then it’s always a lecture on how you need to behave.  (This happened often when I was younger. I didn’t understand, a lecture wasn’t going to help.) I constantly thought there was something wrong with me and I was screaming on the inside because I had no answers. 

The ‘whys’ always outnumbered the explanations. I had none. I couldn’t say what I needed because not even I knew and nobody else knew. I’ve flown under the radar for so long, how was I even supposed to put it into words?

I sometimes blurt without thinking, especially if I’m comfortable around others. I often forget that some might see that as rude, or weird, or bitchy. I say what I mean, not what’s comfortable. 

If I’m around those I don’t know, I try to curb that process and think, but it still doesn’t feel good to hear ‘stop being a bitch’ all the time. Like, I can’t help how my process is interpreted. 

I also sometimes think that maybe if I’d have been diagnosed when I was younger and got the therapy and help I needed then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be a twisted tangle of anxiety and actually somewhat comprehend social normalities and not be ‘bitchy’. 

Social situations are my cryptonite because I don’t ‘get it’ and I can’t just be told what’s wrong because even if I’m told I still don’t ‘get it’. It’s not something I’m capable of getting. I can’t recognize it.

[round2withtheblue]

*sigh*

I’d like to preface this by saying all my life I’ve hated washing dishes by hand. There’s just so many things I hate about it and it’s not because of laziness. It’s always the point that people make to me is that I don’t want to wash dishes because I’m extremely lazy. No, that’s not it. 

I hate the way the soap makes my hands feel, I hate the feeling of the food debris on my hands, the particles of food left after you wash them in the sink water or just stuck to my hands. I hate how my hands are always dry afterwards and no amount of lotion can make that feeling go away. I don’t like having to clean out the food debris after either. It all makes me feel ... yeah, it’s hard to describe sensory issues to those who don’t understand. It just sounds like excuses but it’s really just feelings.

Bless my husband, the dishwasher’s broken and he’s offered to wash the dishes while I dry them and put them away. He doesn’t mind doing it until the dishwasher’s fixed. 

[wlfgrrl]

[round2withtheblue]

Can relate. 

Me just wanting to talk about Sonic or Gears, or anything special Interest related.

[round2withtheblue]

Woof

I’m sorry, it has been a while since I’ve said anything here. I’ve been busy with work and projects and dealing with just the general day to day grind. I’m fine, safe, and besides a little tired from working a lot, everything is good. 

Just putting it out there.

[round2withtheblue]

Well, it finally happened and my state is now in lockdown with enforcement. Please, for the love of all that is holy stay home!

You’re endagering your family and friends by not social distancing. Don’t go out unless you absolutely have to. Please, just do as they ask. Don’t be like those in New Orleans. Don’t be like those on Spring Break. Don’t be like those that fill the stores hoarding food. Just please, don’t. Be kind, be safe, and just stay home. 

[autistic-reptile]

okay so I just wanted to share this kinda weird thing that I did recently, because it felt dumb at first but I’m so happy I decided to ignore the stigma and do it anyway 💕

background info: so ever since I was a baby I’ve had this security blanket/stuffed animal that I called Lamby. she had a satin bow on her neck that I would rub in between my fingers constantly. it was definitely my first stim, along with sucking my thumb. Lamby’s bow had to get resewn often because I pulled on it so much. at some point, when I was a teenager, Lamby’s bow got lost in my basement while it was waiting to get resewn by my mom. I still ask her every time I see her if she’s come across it, but it seems like it’s lost forever.

lately, I’ve been pretty stressed and I’ve been having a lot of trouble controlling my stimming. some of my stims involved rubbing my skin and I’m leaving red bumps and callouses from all my stimming. I realized that many of my stims involve stimulation between my fingers, and that having something like Lamby’s bow would allow me to keep stimming this way without rubbing my skin together and hurting myself more.

SO, after doing some searching online, I found Lamby’s brand and found some original ones being sold on ebay. MEET NEW LAMBY!!!

her bow is exactly the same as my original one and I couldn’t be happier (it doesn’t have that “worn” feel yet but it’ll get there). it’s exactly what I wanted!!!! new Lamby has blue accents instead of pink, as well as a sewn nose, but she’s otherwise identical. here’s a comparison picture with the old Lamby:

basically I just wanted to share that I, a 23 year old woman, spent money on an infant’s stuffed animal, AND IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT. I encourage everyone to embrace their “childish” wants and just do what makes you feel good 💜💜💜💜

[total-biscuit-deactivated202309]

This is my octopus that I bought at age 26 because I like the feeling of the tentacles wrapped around my arm. 10/10 would do again.

[round2withtheblue]

This is my stim plush because of the super soft fabric. The one ear is a little worn but the texture is what I like. I really love super soft things and I refuse to be embarrassed by it. Fuzzy plushies are 💖

[round2withtheblue]

Archie Sonic ... Oh, Here We Go.

Okay, I’m going to bump and butt some heads with people here but good God this grinds my gears. 

Okay, so I’m sure that a lot of Sonic fans out there are familiar with the Archie comics debacle with Ken Penders. 

In regards to that, let me say that I’ve read and researched quite a bit on this topic ... Especially because of everything and anything about Sonic is my special interest. 

Now, let me get out the facts here. Sonic Archie was the longest standing comic for a video game and won a Guinness Book World Record. 

The writing on these comics was a hit or a miss. Some things were good, some things were bad, and some things were just down-right weird. Most of the story was written by Ken Penders who had pretty much free reign to do what he pleased with no repercussions. 

When Archie and SEGA started to want a say in the comics because of popular media reasons and trying to actually get involved Penders didn’t like that. He really didn’t like that. He left the comic book and that’s where Ian Flynn took the helm and tried to detangle the convoluted mass that was Archie Sonic canon. 

In this regard, he fixed a lot of things I had found tiring in the comics, especially Penders’s open-ended plot points and fixing characters that had no depth. 

So, Penders's response to his characters being used was to start copyrighting them. Which, he had no right to do working for a licensed property where any and all of his creations were the property of the said licensee. 

Now, Archie should have kept up with their contracts, which is definitely on them and is what cost them the lawsuit for the characters Penders took with him. But the subsequent CR and lawsuits with Archie shouldn’t have happened. 

Penders, 1, should’ve just walked away and stayed away. Now we have this twitter nightmare of him gloating about these Sonic characters he pretty much stole and made them into these ugly uncanny valley-esque characters that are just so nauseating to look at. I mean, seriously, these LSU comics are not going to come out. Penders has no deadlines to meet, no pages to show, and even though he’s tried every which way to separate these aliens in design you can still tell that they are based of Sonic and are Knuckles recolors. 

But, there are people out there, the small devout few who stand with Penders saying that he had every right (Which he did not) and that those characters were his property. His pettiness is what caused an entire comic run to crash. He caused the continuity reboot and subsequent canning of the comics by SEGA from Archie. 

Of course, this could've been avoided by these things. 1) Archie actually giving a damn and backing up their worker freelancing contracts and keeping a hold of the copyrights. 2) actually trying to rebuff Penders in his copyrighting and stopping him from doing so since he had no right in the contract stipulations of writing for a licensed property. 3) Paying Penders his royalties for reprints of his stories, which is not unfair. 4) Keeping a reign on Penders from the very beginning so he didn't have so much creative freedom in the first place so his ego wouldn’t run wild leading to said events. 

Then there’s this doozy of a conspiracy theory which some fans of Penders state that Flynn was sent in by SOJ (Sega of Japan) to disassemble the SOA Sonic continuity and get rid of the Freedom Fighters and reboot the series from the ground up to make the games the only continuity, and that being the Japan games. 

Now, this theory makes me laugh because Ian was brought on to clean up Penders’s mess. Yes, he had some questionable things in his past with fan comics, but what fan of any series hasn’t written some strange stories? 

But let me break it down for you. Penders is the one who was in the wrong and he cast the first stone by copyrighting contracted properties under the licensed brand. He’s the one who got over 200 characters removed from the comics, and he’s the one who gloats on technicalities. Ian gets shit-talked for trying to fix something that got broken. He had to deal with the aftermath of long convoluted political story plots and 1-dimensional romances in a Sonic comic. A comic about a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog with a need for speed. 

Put blame where it belongs, which is on Archie and Penders. Penders for being a petty jerk and Archie for not having their shit together to keep their property. It’s no wonder why SEGA won’t touch the FF and other companion stories after this fiasco. 

[round2withtheblue]

People are not practicing social distancing and it's very frustrating to see. I mean, I know that life goes on but you're not slowing the spread of you're constantly outside in public. Even before the social distancing I only went out occasionally and stores are more crowded now than they've ever been and people aren't distancing at all.

Shelves are wiped clean and the poor people who are trying to keep things stocked can't keep up and it's caused stores to have limited hours. Now, I know this is serious but there's a difference between stocking up and hoarding. When you're rolling 4 carts down to checkout and not sharing with others that is wrong.

I know that this is going to be hard on people... Being an introvert I can't really relate because I almost never go out but people need to seriously SOCIAL DISTANCE themselves from others and be smart! Think real hard if you need that 7th pack of toilet paper or bottle of hand sanitizer. Only buy what you're going to use, not what panic tells you.

[round2withtheblue]

I know there are people struggling with social distancing right now. Hang in there, it will get better. 

[round2withtheblue]

My Hedgies be Green ...

[irishthehedgehog]

Need a hug?

Your ol' friend Irish is here!

[Reblog to commit give hug to the Irish hedgehog]

[inthetags]

reblog and put in the tags something that you were looking forward to and can’t do it because of coronavirus