Update
I had a date last night and it was by far my best one. I've gone on 'dates' before but it was always with people who called them 'unofficial dates' due to strains on our friendship, so technically this was my first official date. I think it was about damn time too.
I've been growing. I'm not the same person I was when I cam out of the closet in eleventh grade, Im not even the same person who lost their virginity at the age of 18 my freshman year of college. Im 20, I'm a junior now and a lot has happened in the last two years since I became sexually active. At first I was a love sick little puppy who wanted a fairy tale ending. Before I lost my virginity, I was trying to save it for someone special in a relationship. In hind sight, I came off as pretentious and stuck up because of it. I thought I loved every guy I was involved with, but I now know it wasn't love it was lust. Even though I didn't think I was looking for sex, I lusted after them and didn't think.
I spent more than nine months after the same guy, the guy I lost my virginity to. I let him control my life too much. Maybe it was intentional or maybe i let it happen, but in the end he was simply controlling me with my emotions. It was toxic, but now I've learned what I did wrong and I'm mindful of what not to do and what to look out for.
After my first, I did sleep around a little. Im still in the single digits as far as partners goes, but I experimented with the same people on many occasions. I even had a threesome.
I had the opportunity to be in a relationship around this time but I turned it down. I was hurt from the scars of my nine month involvement and I needed space. I recognized my dependency/attachment issues with him thus I wanted to embrace my freedom and new found independence. I wasn't ready.
Now, I've experienced a lot. I know what I want in a relationship and a guy. Ive had hot and kinky sex and I've had a diversity in partners, I want something I haven't had yet. I want intimacy, but I don't want a childish high school relationship, I want one where I am still independent. I want to be able to trust someone, because my past has made me not put trust in people at all. I want to be able to trust them and be able to not talk with them for an entire day due to work or school and not be worried that he's cheating on me. I want a relationship where we are mutually independent and equal, not me being the only one who can drive or pay for dates (he best have a car and job). I want to jump right into the normal every day things associated with mature adult relationships.
I want a mature adult relationship. I think the guy I had a date with last night follows the aforementioned criteria. I feel different about him and he treats me differently than the other guys did. At the same time Im going to have to fight buried demons like my attachment, suspiciousness and insecurity. Heck, even now I am facing those things with him and right now we are just mutually crushing on each other and had one date (we agree we aren't talking yet). I feel I'm ready but if I were to get into a relationship it would be a test for the beginning to see if Im actually ready, but the results of the test are worth it to me.
Im only writing this to distract myself from over thinking and being untrusting.
