I had the pleasure of talking this through with you, @cerosin, and the end result is…. definitely unhealthier than your initial request, but I hope you’ll like it anyway :) I also certainly took my time with this, thank you for waiting and thank you for the request 🖤🖤 (Kapkan/Glaz, Rating E, angst fluff + smut, ~4.6k words)
I've talked about this a bit beforehand already in posts, so this is just to lay out my thoughts about the character. Again I cannot stress this enough this is just my version of krueger and how I've been headcanon-ing him for the past (looks at calendar) oh my god 6 years. So, behold this fuckin essay bc it's long. ft. drawing from last year
(disclaimer: when I put quotation marks around "normal" and "abnormal" it's BIG quotation marks; it's just shorter than saying "as compared to the vast majority of people".)
As I said a couple times, basically, I think Krueger can't feel the full range of, let's say, "normal" human emotions and especially not negative emotions such as sorrow, guilt, sadness or even actual anger. It's like what he feels (again, particularly with negative emotions) is dull in intensity as compared to someone "normal".
For example he'll feel more disappointment than actual regret. More light nostalgia than longing or sadness. More annoyance than anger.
However, I do think that he's 1) aware that he doesn't feel strong emotions 2) has a really deep understanding of how these emotions work, how they're triggered and how they are processed in other people... but in a purely logical way. i don't know how to explain, to me it's like, Krueger does have empathy but it's purely from understanding thought patterns.
So what he himself actually genuinely feels on the other hand is more… immediate? pragmatic? feelings. Such as comfort (or discomfort), contentement, satisfaction. (satisfaction which is the one thing he chases always). That's his version of happiness basically.
"and what about feelings towards PEOPLE... such as love..." I hear u ask. Well for the most evident example I don't think the thought "I love Nikto" can even traverse his mind in these words. Well it can! BUT it's materialised in a different way, Krueger instead relishes (satisfaction. deep deep satisfaction and comfort) in knowing exactly the places he occupies in Nikto's life/heart/mind. His referential is just odd but it's comparable to love for a "normal" person. LIKE it sounds corny as fuck but I think that's more accurate to describe Krueger's attachment like so than "just" the "normal" feeling of belonging associated w the traditional vision of love. My god I just do be typing words here.
... And another point that's important to my vision of the character is that I think he's entirely aware that he's "abnormal" in the way he processes things. But that still does not make him long for feeling the full range of human emotions, because he's perfectly content with how he is.
I don't really like using labels and mental illnesses because it feels very reductory and my version of the character doesn't tick all the boxes of any condition anyway; but this is why I prefer saying that I imagine him to have psychopatic traits only, not to actually be a psychopath or a sociopath or having antisocial personality disorder for example. Which are all rooted in a very psychophobic & ableist history of personality disorders and I don't like them anyway.
If you read until there uh congrats. hope this made sense 👍
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