Ā Ā Ā june 19th.Ā the weather is warmĀ --Ā the type youād want to enjoy, sit out in the sun and stretch as you wave springās uncertain weather goodbye.Ā oda enjoys the summer;Ā he has an excuse to go to the ocean he loves so dearly, and more importantly, itās in the middle of june that a day he holds dearly must be attended to : dazai osamuās birthday.
dazai is not a man who is much for celebration, even less when itās related to his own existence.Ā oda knows and understands this, knows that dazai will rarely everĀ --Ā if at allĀ --Ā find genuine anticipation in the day he was brought into this world, but it is for that very same reason oda feels inclined to do something for it.Ā the only difficult part...Ā that would be doing it without dazai knowing, the all-knowing, mischievous man he is.Ā the element of surprise is useless if oda were to prepare something at home, so this year heās taken a different route : hiding it at someone elseās, someone unrelated to them both, a young girl who lives down the street from his book shop and visits him often enough to even call himĀ Ā ā odasaku-niichan āĀ .
the pang of guilt he feels when treated so lovingly by children hasnāt faded, and perhaps it never will, but oda has grown to accept that weight on his chest.Ā self-assumed atlas that he is, he sets his concerns aside for the sake of the man he loves the most, is willing to dieĀ ( and live )Ā for.
oda remembers asking idly on a day some time in the pastĀ --Ā what flower do you love the most?Ā ( dazai answers with oleander of course, and oda frowns, having to rephrase himself and ask what non-lethal flower is his favorite.Ā it takes longer than it should for dazai to come to a decision, dramatic humming and rubbing of his chin included. )Ā Ā
red camellias, he had said.Ā red camellias, known as a showy kind of flower; a flower that can bear a meaning so innocentĀ --Ā in love --Ā or a meaning so like him, mirroring the struggles he still faces beyond the surface -- perishing with grace.Ā selfish as it is, oda intends to make it the former, even if dazai will think in the days after this that they are to represent something else, if that is what he thinks at all.Ā people may change and evolve, but as oda evolves, so does dazai; perhaps oda will never truly understand the complexity of dazaiās mind, but if he may understand dazaiās heart, heād be satisfied enough.
odaās hands are calloused from too many days spent gripping at a gun, pulling the trigger in between the eyes of men.Ā he fails at first in the gift heās intended to make, but with help and coaxing from his helper, it comes together in time for dazaiās birthday.Ā dazai comes home a bit earlier than usual, no doubt someone having said he should celebrate accordingly with the man he loves, and oda is thankful for it.
ādazai,āĀ the call of his name is the only warning the agency member gets as oda approaches.Ā a circlet of vibrant red flowers is rested gingerly atop a head of brown hair, hands lowering just enough to rest on his shoulder and the nape of his neck to pull him closer.Ā oda inhales a second before their lips meet in a tender kiss, one he knows dazai surely hasnāt anticipated in all of his calculated brain, and revels in it just a bit more knowing that.
when oda pulls away, he brushes a few strands of hair out of dazaiās eye.Ā fingers trace the side of his face, against a youthful cheek. his head leans forward, pressing their foreheads together lightly with a smile.Ā this is the face of a man in love, a man who finds solace in the ruins of himself, if only because dazai is there with him in the pieces.
āthank you for being bornĀ --Ā iām happy that i met you, osamu.āĀ i love you. thank you for making it through another year. iām proud of the person youāve become.
