i feel like i’ve been making solid efforts to protect my peace but i was successfully rage baited by my dad yesterday and it ruined my day and it’s now ruining the next day and im wondering how many more days will it keep ruining. i always tell myself that if im going to get over it eventually i should just get over it now but my god. this is going to be one of those things that sticks.
for some reason, in our family group chat, my mom asked me how she can give me the settlement money for the car that was written off. remember that accident i was in in february? well the settlement cheque was finally sent to her, because the car is in her name, because i was too lazy to transfer it over to myself for the 14 years that i drove it. and i have been dealing with hell since the car accident. anyway. so the cheque was sent to her and she asks how she can send me the money. she had already said multiple times that she had no interest in keeping the money because it was effectively my car. as in i did all the maintenance and paid for the insurance and had to suffer through the fucking accident that was not my fault.
i don’t know why she put it in the group chat but for some reason my dad decided to chime in and say that mom should keep the money because it was her car. this made me so fucking mad. i couldn’t pay attention to anything. i was so mad. my whole fucking life has been spent listening to my parents justifying their way into taking things away from me. they realize that one of my siblings needs something and they take something away from me that is mine so that the sibling can have the thing they want. obviously i’ve never benefitted from this arrangement. i’m never the one that receives at the expense of others. i’m always the one who loses out.
my older sister told my parents that’s she’s leaving ontario with her two kids and moving into their house. she needs support. the kids need support. my only question is why would you move into an unsupportive household if you’re seeking support? my parents were terrible parents the first time, they are certainly not going to be any better this time. and it’s true. they’re doing very poorly and my sister is bleeding them dry. she tagged along on a costco trip with my mom and filled up a whole cart and my mom had to pay nearly a thousand dollars to cover her and my sister has no intention of paying her back. that’s where my car settlement money is going. that’s why my dad thinks they should keep the money. to cover for my sister who cannot get her shit together. not even for the sake of her two kids, one of which is joyriding in her car all night at the age of 13.
it’s so embarrassing to think that this is my family. it really drags me down to think that this is my burden till i die or till my parents die. i can’t get away from it.
i tell myself that if i’m going to get over it eventually i may as well get over it now but there are things that my parents have done that have become core memories for me. when i was 14, i had missed my 9pm curfew while i was out with my older sister and my dad locked us out of the house. this was our punishment. the only thing i learned that night was that i have parents that don’t care if im safe. that’s all it boiled down to. my sister and i ended up staying at a friends house. i think this was why i was always so irritated when, as i got older, my parents would text me at night asking me where i was or when i was coming home. why would they care, when the first time i was ever late coming home, they locked me out and left me to fend for myself? i didn’t even have a cell phone at that point. and these are the people that my sister thinks will be good at helping raise her children. as an adult when i think about the situation and if i saw that anyone else did that to their kids, i would say that the parents should feel incredibly ashamed of themselves.
i don’t know. i can’t overstate how grateful i am that i moved out when i did. i am ashamed of my parents. i’m ashamed that this is the kind of family i have. i’m ashamed that i have to deal with them for the rest of my or their lives. i’m ashamed that they’re so close minded they’re effectively halting my sisters wedding because they don’t support her relationship (and they’d never support mine) and they are prioritizing our other two sisters well being over hers. i keep wracking my brain to think of something im grateful for from them and the only thing i can think of is the stability of a roof over my head and yet, that situation of them kicking me out showed me that it was precarious and tore apart that notion.
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